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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Mother in Laws....
GRRRRRRR... The second part is what sent me over the edge last night.
Mine is nuts. She misinterprets EVERYTHING I say and I KNOW she talks to her family about me. She talks NASTY about every other memeber of the family and how they do everything wrong, to me... so I know I am no exception to her gossiping ways.
FIRST: I sent her an email asking her if I should send her mother an invite to the shower even though she won't be able to make it. She was very nice about it and said please send one. So I wrote back, "SHould I send one to your son's fiance?" She wrote back, I fowarded her your registry, I'm sure she'll buy you something....... OMG THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!! BIL and FW have been having major problems, postponing the wedding and all and I didn't want to be nasty to her and exclude her, so FSIL didn't take nto getting an invite the wrong way.......
SECOND: (same day) I just had the exact same conversation, over email that I have already had with her twice verbally!!!!
This is what I wanted to say to her... but, of course, I made it all mushy and nice... and then fought with DH about how nuts his mother is..... Which I feel bad about.. CUZ she really is nuts and spent a lot of his life in physch wards. BUUUUUTTT... I just hit the roof sometimes............
There will be no FORMAL invitation for you to come see the baby. You live in TN. We want you to come WHENEVER you want. When the baby is born.. book a flight and tell us when to get you at the airport. I will not worry about whether or not I am offending you by not extending the proper invititaion. I want you there.. please come when you want..
STOP ASKING WHEN YOU SHOULD COME!!!!! I cannot predict when the baby is born. Just come when it is born. GEEZ!
And, NO, it is NOT appropriate for you to stay on the couch of our ONE bedroom home, two feet from our bedroom door, when we have a newborn. It is not happening.
We did offer my mother's home to you but, that was before my aunt moved in... ON HOSPICE WITH A LIVE IN NURSE!!!! No, she cannot have you stay with her. You will have to get a hotel. I cannot believe you even asked.
Message edited 2/19/2009 10:07:27 AM.
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Posted 2/19/09 9:59 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: Mother in Laws....
oh my. sorry she is so nuts! i hope your DH doesn't cave and let her stay with you... 
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:03 AM |
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jennarose023
Jack's gonna be a big brother!
Member since 11/08 7769 total posts
Name:
Jenna
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Geez...all I can say is take deep breath
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:03 AM |
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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Re: Mother in Laws....
This was in response to a LOOOONG letter from her asking, again, when she should come.. She doesn't want to intrude. She doesn't want to screw up any bonding time with my Mom My mom lives a mile away and we are super close.. don't worry we'll be fine...
I am just so sick of holding her hand about this. Just freaking come when the baby is born. We love you and want you here. Why is that so difficult to understand.
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:03 AM |
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JennyPenny
?
Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Honestly, I can see why you are frustrated, but if the woman literally spent half her life in a psych ward- i'd cut her some slack.
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:04 AM |
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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Posted by headoverheels
oh my. sorry she is so nuts! i hope your DH doesn't cave and let her stay with you...
OMG NOOO! He would never. He feels the same way. She is such a nosey, know it all and she would drive him nuts with all the things I am doing "wrong".
He is totally on board with that. 
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:04 AM |
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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Posted by JennyPenny
Honestly, I can see why you are frustrated, but if the woman literally spent half her life in a psych ward- i'd cut her some slack.
I know.. But, I guess I dealt my whole life with a sister with the same issues and I just find it to be so overwhelming sometimes.
Plus, she is the MOST passive aggressive, condescending person on earth. She seriously calls me to point out how I could do everything better. (once she told me that my windowsills needed to be varnished and I wasn't cleaning my sink properly... in one breath)
I am sweet as pie to her... I just need to vent sometimes.
Message edited 2/19/2009 10:09:58 AM.
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:06 AM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Posted by sfp0701
Posted by headoverheels
oh my. sorry she is so nuts! i hope your DH doesn't cave and let her stay with you...
OMG NOOO! He would never. He feels the same way. She is such a nosey, know it all and she would drive him nuts with all the things I am doing "wrong".
He is totally on board with that.
okay good 
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:07 AM |
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angnick
Life is So Wonderful!
Member since 8/06 6663 total posts
Name:
Angela
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Re: Mother in Laws....
She sounds nutso.. I'm sorry.. sending you hugs..
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:24 AM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Tell her to stay in TN...
I'm kidding...of course...
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:25 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Mother in Laws....
I'm going to translate MIL speak (not a MIL here just speaking from experience):
She doesn't want to screw up any bonding time with my Mom = she is worried about being able to bond with her grandchild because she doesn't live close OR possibly has a strained relationship with her child (wishes it wasn't) but hopes it won't affect her seeing the baby.
She's offered to stay on the couch in our 1 bedroom = she wants as much time with the baby as she can / wants to be helpful (which includes getting up in the middle of the night so you can get some rest) / wants to save money
She's asked numerous times when she should come = she wants you to tell her you WANT her to come. She wants to be wanted to but also doesn't want to interfere. Give her a timeline. Come when you know the baby is here / come 1 week after the baby is born / come 2 weeks after the baby is born. Don't give her a date, give her a timeline.
--or she is a manipulative woman who like to play martyr. Either way, it sounds like she already loves your baby & has a whole mess of insecurities. Sounds like her only diabolical master plan is that she wants to bond with the baby.
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| Posted 2/19/09 10:29 AM |
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Waste06
Waste not, want not
Member since 6/06 7219 total posts
Name:
Lois Mom Mommy Mama Ma
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Re: Mother in Laws....
I'm sorry. You sound so stressed over this.
Could her constant questioning about WHEN to come be based on the fact that she needs to book a plane ticket and would prefer to do it sooner rather than later? Is it a matter of her getting the time off from work?
My inlaws live in Florida and plan on driving to NY as soon as I have my first contraction. They are retired, so they're a bit flexible with their time, but I could see a working grandparent who lives far away wanting to have a more structured timeline.
Perhaps giving her a timeline after the baby is born in a good idea like Barb suggested, like have her come 1 week after the baby is born (or longer). That will give you a few days to get adjusted. Or perhaps tell her to plan on coming 2 weeks after your EDD, that way you'll pretty much be certain that the baby will be born and she will get to see her grandchild?
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| Posted 2/19/09 11:16 AM |
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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Posted by nrthshgrl
I'm going to translate MIL speak (not a MIL here just speaking from experience):
She doesn't want to screw up any bonding time with my Mom = she is worried about being able to bond with her grandchild because she doesn't live close OR possibly has a strained relationship with her child (wishes it wasn't) but hopes it won't affect her seeing the baby.
She's offered to stay on the couch in our 1 bedroom = she wants as much time with the baby as she can / wants to be helpful (which includes getting up in the middle of the night so you can get some rest) / wants to save money
She's asked numerous times when she should come = she wants you to tell her you WANT her to come. She wants to be wanted to but also doesn't want to interfere. Give her a timeline. Come when you know the baby is here / come 1 week after the baby is born / come 2 weeks after the baby is born. Don't give her a date, give her a timeline.
--or she is a manipulative woman who like to play martyr. Either way, it sounds like she already loves your baby & has a whole mess of insecurities. Sounds like her only diabolical master plan is that she wants to bond with the baby.
Those things sort of make sense. But, I tend to think there is more behind it. I don't think she has a master plan however, I am really tired of making excuses for the poor behavior of the mentally ill people in my life, while I have to sit there with a pretty smile, trying to appease them all!
I tried to tell her to come within a few days of the birth. Just get on a plane. She has a big trip in the third week of June and I am due the first week. She doesn't have much time to play with there, especially if I go late. I just told her to come as soon as she can. I have told her we WANT her to be there as soon as possible. She planned a trip to Ireland for 3 weeks after the baby's due date. That is her doing.
As for helping out the in the middle of the night. I am nursing. She thinks that is a direct insult to her since she didn't..  She thinks I don't need to do that. SOOO she is not welcome in the middle of the night. I don't need to be dealing with breastfeeding woes and a screaming baby and bleeding nipples at 4 am with her standing over me telling me to just give up and FF.
I welcome all her daytime help with open arms. She can let me take naps and cook and clean to hearts content. She just can't stay overnight in our house. Bottom line. I'm not caving on that. Niether is DH. We need people who are supporting us.. not undermining our plans.
If she thinks she is going to get a few days without my mother around so she can have the baby to herself.. she is sorely mistaken (especially in the first few weeks when she is available to come up). My mother lives very close and is a breastfeeding isntructor. I will be using her a lot. Also, the fact that she is hinting to me that she wants time after my mother is DONE bonding...and that she wants to stay with my Mom at her house is unreal!!
I am sure that a few months after the baby is born she can come and have her alone time. But, in the first few weeks we WILL have a lot of visitors. I have a HUGE family AND so does DH. His parents divorced and FIL remarried into a big family. The live in NJ. I can't tell those people to stay away because she needs to bond alone. KWIM? My family is over each others houses on a daily basis as it is. Not a day goes by that I don't see a member of my family or extended family. I can't and won't change that. I already told her my Mom won't be taking off work, she can't. So she will have weekdays to herself with me, DH, and the baby.
But, She will have to deal with that fact that there are 6 grandparents in this situation and that all of them are going to want to spend to time with the baby. I can't be policing who is acting like a 3 year old and doesn't want to be over when thier ex is there or the other grandparents are there. They all have just as much of a right to thier grandchild.
It just becomes exhausting. And honestly, usually I am the FIRST one in the family to stick up for her. But, It is just starting to wear me down. 
Thanks for trying to put some insight on this.. However, I just don't think this is a case of a sad insecure woman who needs reassurance.
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| Posted 2/19/09 11:26 AM |
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sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Posted by StayForever
I'm sorry. You sound so stressed over this.
Could her constant questioning about WHEN to come be based on the fact that she needs to book a plane ticket and would prefer to do it sooner rather than later? Is it a matter of her getting the time off from work?
My inlaws live in Florida and plan on driving to NY as soon as I have my first contraction. They are retired, so they're a bit flexible with their time, but I could see a working grandparent who lives far away wanting to have a more structured timeline.
Perhaps giving her a timeline after the baby is born in a good idea like Barb suggested, like have her come 1 week after the baby is born (or longer). That will give you a few days to get adjusted. Or perhaps tell her to plan on coming 2 weeks after your EDD, that way you'll pretty much be certain that the baby will be born and she will get to see her grandchild?
i don't think so. She has plenty of money and her job is super flexible. She has a trip to Ireland planed for the end of June. So she kind of has to come last minute. My midwife will let me go two weeks after my EDD... and almost every woman in my family has gone late. So I can't predict anything. I just told her to come as soon as she can get on a plane. I think she deserves to see her first grandchild within days of it's birth. She could try just booking something a week or two after the EDD but, then if things don't go according to plan.. she will be all upset and angry with us. That's just how she is.
She is angry with me for "risking my child's life" by using a midwife and thinks we should switch to an OB. That way (according to her) I won't go past my EDD without a section or an induction. 
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| Posted 2/19/09 11:30 AM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: Mother in Laws....
She sounds like a PITA, I'm sorry you have to deal with her.
My MIL is a pain too, she asked my DH when she could come visit, and wanted to know if anyone else would be around or not because she said she feels like "second fiddle". W-T-F! its not our fault she has her own issues ....She is one of the grandmothers, so come visit when you want, and yes, get a hotel room
She doesn't live close to you right, she's in TN..at least that's good, right?
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| Posted 2/19/09 11:44 AM |
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Waste06
Waste not, want not
Member since 6/06 7219 total posts
Name:
Lois Mom Mommy Mama Ma
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Posted by sfp0701
i don't think so. She has plenty of money and her job is super flexible. She has a trip to Ireland planed for the end of June. So she kind of has to come last minute. My midwife will let me go two weeks after my EDD... and almost every woman in my family has gone late. So I can't predict anything. I just told her to come as soon as she can get on a plane. I think she deserves to see her first grandchild within days of it's birth. She could try just booking something a week or two after the EDD but, then if things don't go according to plan.. she will be all upset and angry with us. That's just how she is.
She is angry with me for "risking my child's life" by using a midwife and thinks we should switch to an OB. That way (according to her) I won't go past my EDD without a section or an induction.
Oh brother....she sounds like a gem!
Here's my advice:
1) Scream, yell, even growl if you have to when you're home. Get it all out.
2) Take a deep breath and laugh.
3) Shake your head and realize this will be the first of many growls you'll be doing.
4) Compile a list of 2-3 hotels nearby and send it to MIL letting her know what options she has.
5) Do something nice for yourself and take care of that baby growing inside of you.
Message edited 2/19/2009 12:16:16 PM.
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| Posted 2/19/09 12:15 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Mother in Laws....
Give her a time frame -
"Come a few weeks after my due date"
"Come on my due date"
"Come a week before I'm due" .......whatever it is you want
it's not unreasonable for her to want to book her flight in advance, if she hops a flight the day the baby is born is going to cost a small fortune !! -
I have learned w/ my MIL I have to be VERY specific otherwise she's in effing lala land .......I know what YOU're doing, you're trying to let her know she's welcome to be Grandma and visit the baby w/o an engraved invitation, but unfortunately, like my MIL she NEEDS you to TELL her "Do you want to come over on X day?"
We painted the baby's room, told her about it, got the furniture, told her about it, did all of this other stuff, excitedly told her about it ..........do you think that ONCE she said "Oooh !! I want to come by and see !!" ??? - No - not once. She had to wait for me to call her up and say "Do you want to come over and see the Nursery?" My Mom was at the house while they were delivering the freakin' stuff (well, she and my Dad also paid for it, but that's not my point) They ASK me if they can come over, but they also tell me "I WANT to come over, when can I come?"
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that she's not up my arse and intrusive, but I've NEVER given her any reason to feel that she can't call us and say "can I come over on X day?" KWIM??
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| Posted 2/19/09 12:23 PM |
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