My twins

I haven't posted in a little but things are going well with the pregnancy. Please please don't judge me for this post. I had my 16 week appointment last night and the doctor used the Doppler and couldn't find both heart beats- they are so close, so we had an ultrasound all is ok with the babies and they are both great! We were able to find out the genders last night. Since I got pregnant I was convinced at least one baby was a girl, if not both. I have NEVER had a gut feeling of boy ever, like ever. I had girl names picked out with DH because we were so friggin sure it was at least 1 girl. well the sono tech said she was able to tell us definitively so we had her write down their genders and we opened it at home, just DH and I. I opened it first and I see on the paper twin A and twin B- BOYS. Boys, I NEVER in a million years EVER even imagined having a boy, let alone 2 of them. I should be greatful- after all, happy and healthy is important. We had to go through fertility treatments and I was devistated when I found out I was having twins. Then the twin thing took a few weeks and I couldn't imagine not having twins. Then last night and into today, I have NEVER in my life have ever felt so disappointed and completely unattached to these two babies it is awful. This is going to be my only pregnancy, I only wanted 1 baby, but when I found out about the twins I just knew in my gut or maybe it's just what I wanted to believe that they would be boy girl, and they aren't. I actually feel more devistated finding out I'm having two boys than I was when I found out about the twins. So devistated to the point where I feel the ultrasound tech is completely wrong because I know in my gut one is a girl. Like I don't even want anyone knowing they are boys because i don't believe it. I'm convinced she is wrong I will never get that mother daughter relationship, that shopping for a wedding dress or a buddy to get my nails done with. Now I have 2 boys. My DH is totally on board with a 3rd but I so don't believe in having a child just to try for a specific gender, and I could end up having another boy. What the hell is wrong with me?!!???? I'm fearing that all I've had is shock and anger and disappointment at major mile stones in this pregnancy that I'm going to become depressed.

Message edited 8/26/2016 1:21:37 PM.

My twins

While I have not experienced gender disappointment, I know that is a valid concern to many women, and I think it's probably natural with all the hormones and changes we go through. You have no control over gender, so I think you will have to make peace with it so as not to detach from your babies. They have no control over their gender either after all. It's the luck of the draw. You can't predict having a girl in the future either. You will come to terms with it and you will love and adore your boys and wonder why you ever felt this way in the first place. Just don't dwell on it as a bad thing - it's not a bad thing at all, just different than what you pictured. You have no idea what life will bring you after they are born, so don't start planning for the future children you're not even sure you want. You will go through your emotions, mourn what could have been, but I promise you you will get past it and realize that any baby of any gender is the best gift of all.

Re: My twins

I actually posted something similar a few months ago when I found out I was having my 2nd boy.

My first pregnancy, I was actually excited to be having a boy - I didn't feel gender disappointment at all. And the moment he was born, we had the most beautiful connection - and to this day we share this undeniable bond - its amazing, and i would never wish him to be girl or be any different than what he is.

Yet then when i found out I was pregnant the 2nd time around, I also felt like in my heart, it was a girl. I yearned for what I have with my own mother as we are so incredibly close - I couldnt imagine that I wouldnt get to experience that mother/daughter bond for myself. Well...turns out, its another boy. I cant say I wasnt upset - I cried on the way home from the sono - called my mom and cried some more...but once I got it out and gave it a couple days, I just got over it. End of story. I already had a perfect little boy, why wouldnt I want another? And at the end of the day - i realized I was being selfish. What a beautiful gift to give my first son a brother - not that a sister wouldnt have been special, but to share a same sex sibling is just different and I look forward to seeing them grow up together and I will do all I can to ensure they know how very lucky they are to have eachother.

I am due in 2 weeks and I just cant wait to meet him and grow our family, even though I am now officially out numbered!

I am not sure if we will have a 3rd - and even if we do, its not guaranteed we would have a girl anyway, so its really not even worth thinking about at this point. I am so beyond thankful to be able to have children at all - as there are some who are less fortunate and will never be able to experience it and that is so incredibly sad...

Anyway, like the previous poster said, its totally normal to mourn the loss of something you thought would be - but I promise you, you will see past it and the moment those boys are in your arms you will never ever wish they were anything but what they are!

Re: My twins

I've always wanted a daughter and have always imagined having a daughter. I have 2 boys. While I'd love to have a little girl, I absolutely love having 2 boys. It's hard to describe, but there's something very special about the bond between a mother and her sons. We were Team Green both times so I never really went through the feeling of disappointment, but it's okay to feel that way. Give yourself some time to get used to it and I'm sure by the time they arrive, those feelings of disappointment will subside and you'll be in love.

Re: My twins

Sit with the idea for a while. Start looking at boy stuff and maybe that will help.Think about the dynamic of having two little boys.

My twins

I wanted a girl and was slightly disappointed with a boy. It's a different bond but it's still just as wonderful. Never had a boys name I liked and took a while to find one with both agreed on.

When I got pregnant the 2nd time I wasn't sure what I wanted. I wanted a boy so my son could have a best friend and I wanted someone to wear his hand-me downs (some meaningful clothing). I wanted a girl for all the reasons you do. I got my girl but would have been just as happy with a boy. After having miscarriages I needed to find happiness so overall I was just aiming for a healthy baby. So many woman suffer with infertility and mc that sometimes you just need to put things into perspective. It's normal and before you know it you will be excited for your boys.

Re: My twins

Posted by MrsS2005

I've always wanted a daughter and have always imagined having a daughter. I have 2 boys. While I'd love to have a little girl, I absolutely love having 2 boys. It's hard to describe, but there's something very special about the bond between a mother and her sons. We were Team Green both times so I never really went through the feeling of disappointment, but it's okay to feel that way. Give yourself some time to get used to it and I'm sure by the time they arrive, those feelings of disappointment will subside and you'll be in love.

Re: My twins

Give yourself some time to get used to it, and realize that you can't help your feelings. They are valid.

HOWEVER, trust me when I say you will love your little boys like you never could've dreamed you would love someone.

My oldest is a boy and he's THE BEST. He gives me hugs and kisses and wants to hold my hand and cuddle. I could't imagine my life without him - and I guarantee you WILL feel the same way with your boys.

So what - you won't get to go wedding dress shopping. Go with your DIL! There are plenty of wonderful things you will get to do with your sons.

Re: My twins

Don't be so hard on yourself about how you are feeling. You truly imagined one of your babies was a girl & when you found out that neither was, it was almost like you went into mourning for "her." I promise you will overcome this. You will start to shop for your little boys & fix up their room & once you hold them, it will be amazing.
I have 2 boys, 2 years apart & they love having each other. They have the same interests & the same group of friends. They even noticed something one weekend when DH was busting his back moving heavy things around the basement & my oldest told him "too bad you only have sisters & don't have a brother to help you." And it's true, they will have each other to rely on in pretty cool ways.
And they love chasing each other around the house naked after their bath which I think is pretty hysterical

My twins

Don't beat yourself up. I wanted a boy bad!! Like, bad!! And when the sono person told me, it's a girl! - I did have a second of - really? girl?
It's 100% normal what you are feeling and I predict in a day or two (or even sooner), you will be OVER THE MOON.

Re: My twins

Oh, I'm sorry you are upset. It's ok that you feel this way. I have been through it too. I always wanted a girl. When my first was a boy, I admit I was a little disappointed. Then when my second was another boy, I was upset. Even though I've been through some difficulty conceiving, MCs and medical scares with my second, I still felt this way. I always explained that it's not that you don't love your baby, it's just that you wish to experience having the other gender too.

My advice is to take some time to let it sink in and go through your emotions. You don't have to tell anyone IRL yet. In time, start looking at all the cute boy clothes, toys, nursery stuff, etc. I bought an expensive adorable little boys outfit that helped me get excited. And I bet you'll start getting excited for your blue bundles.
And now having my 7 and 4 yo boys, I can tell you they will be just the sweetest little mama's boys you'll ever meet. Besides, you never know if maybe you'll try for a third in time.

Re: My twins

Oh, I've been there. I totally understand how you feel. I've always wanted a girl for as long as I can remember. I would dream about sharing the things with her that my mom and I shared together, dance recitals, gymnastics classes, getting our hair/makeup nails done.

I have three boys. And I'm done, done, done having kids! I just had my third five weeks ago. And honestly, I still feel that gender disappointment. I think I will always feel a little incomplete.

That said, I love my boys more than anything and I've found that being a boy mom is so much fun. I'm sure you will too, in time.

In the meantime, let yourself feel sad. There's nothing wrong with that and lots of people go through it. In a few weeks start looking at nursery themes and boy clothes and I'm sure it will get you more excited. But don't be surprised if the feelings don't go away until they are here. That's what happened to me. But once I held them and looked at their beautiful little faces I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Re: My twins

This is a very normal feeling. I know of two people who cried and were devastated when they found out they were having boys. It's ok, and just know that when those babies are born you WILL bond with them. It will happen naturally.

But I will also say, I have a boy, and there is NO ONE who has ever or will ever adore me the way he does. Words can't describe how special it is between me and him. So that is a very special relationship that you will get to enjoy. But by all means, mourn the fact that you won't be having a daughter. It's ok to have those feelings. Don't be hard on yourself.

Re: My twins

When I found out we were having twins we were excited (after we got over the shock). Instantly I thought about having a boy and a girl and how they would be my "perfect pair". Once the dr. told me they were identical, panic and fear set in. The thought of two boys was terrifying to me.

I have two girls but looking back, it wouldn't have mattered. I can't change my feeling when I was pregnant but I can guarantee they would have changed once they were born if they were boys.
My girls are my perfect pair.
You little guys will be the best of friends! They will be your perfect pair too.

Once you lay eyes on those boys it will all make sense. You are meant to be their Mommy whether you realize it now or not. You will get there though and you will then find it hard to imagine things any other way!

My twins

Thank you everyone for all the support and advice! I'm really really trying to work through how I'm feeling. The funny thing is, if I was having 1- I probably would be over joyed with either or, but know I don't want to expand our family further than this, it just feels so final which I think is what's getting to me. I know that when they are here I will likely feel differently, I just worry about depression since I haven't felt the happiest this pregnancy. I do like the idea knowing my guys will be close and always have a best friend. DH and his brother are close and know that's how DH views us having the boys. I bought them outfits today but I'm still just not sold. I saw all the girl stuff and wanted to cry, but I just need to spend some time getting used to it. Thank you all for the advice and support

My twins

Thank you everyone for all the support and advice! I'm really really trying to work through how I'm feeling. The funny thing is, if I was having 1- I probably would be over joyed with either or, but know I don't want to expand our family further than this, it just feels so final which I think is what's getting to me. I know that when they are here I will likely feel differently, I just worry about depression since I haven't felt the happiest this pregnancy. I do like the idea knowing my guys will be close and always have a best friend. DH and his brother are close and know that's how DH views us having the boys. I bought them outfits today but I'm still just not sold. I saw all the girl stuff and wanted to cry, but I just need to spend some time getting used to it. Thank you all for the advice and support

Re: My twins

My dh was the same way with our first. Wanted, prayed, needed, dreamed about having a boy. Found out we were having a girl and his whole mood changed. In a word he was devastated. Well she was born and he was hooked. They are inseparable almost 7 years later. Shes his shining star. I know your not attached now. But when you see them for the first time and how little they are. You will know they were meant to be your babies for a reason.

Re: My twins

You are allowed to feel however you want. I agree with the others. Just give it time. I have 3 boys (twins and a 3rd), and I swore my twins were going to be a boy and girl. I went to a $5 psychic at an upstate fair (stupid, I know) who told me also and I had very vivid dreams. Well when we found out 2 boys, DH was like go get your money back from that psychic.

DH and I never had brothers so we had no idea, but my twins bond is so strong. I also love having them match outfits, stuff like that. My 3rd was a huge surprise, as we went through IF also. Everyone swore I was having a girl, DH said from the beginning he knew it was a boy. And yup. so to your point, definitely don't go for the 3rd for gender bc you can pretty much guarantee you will have a boy then.

People are such idiots. They tell us now to have a 4th and go for the girl. I'm like really? No, if I wanted another child then I would. I'm at my limit. 3 kids 17 months apart is enough for me. Plus DH says he only makes boys so he is sure we would have another boy. And then what? Keep going for 9 kids more? Lol.

Just like you got used to the idea of having twins, it will be the same for your sons. And remember boys love their mommys. I love that my boys are super attached to me (they love daddy of course but definitely no comparison to mommy).

Re: My twins

Re: My twins

While I am not in your position, I can understand your feelings. I don't judge you at all. I think every woman has a right to hope for the gender of their choice, although life does not work that way. One can wish and hope and have dreams. I am sure as time goes on you will realize there are some great things about having 2 boys, who can be so very close. And even though you only wanted one child, you cannot say what you would feel in time. You may decide to try again one day, in time. I am glad both babies are ok and hugs to you.

My twins

I think gender disappointment is normal. It took me 3 years and 3 rounds of IVF and when I found out I was having a boy, I was a bit bummed. Now, though, I can't imagine my life without him. He's such a cuddled!! I'm also glad I'll never have to deal with a teenage girl! . Between their drama and the clothes they wear, not sure if I could handle it - lol

Re: My twins

I always said I wanted three boys and then a girl to finish up. The second I found out I was pregnant that changed. I wanted a girl and knew I was having a girl. I was right.

When I got pregnant the second time everything was different. Felt awful and just knew that this was our boy. Everyone knew it was a boy. Sliced into the cake... pink. My husband and I both took it pretty badly and then felt serious guilt about it. By the end of my pregnancy I was very excited for my second girl and honestly would have been upset if she ended up being a boy.

For the third pregnancy we assumed girl and didn't allow ourselves to even discuss boy names until we knew. Sono tech predicted girl at 12 weeks which helped us prepare for the 20 week sono when they confirmed it.

I love my girls more than I can put into words but part of me aches for a boy. I know for my husband it's even more severe. You are human and you have every right to feel however you do. Honestly it helps to give yourself time to emote that way (hormones make it more intense, of course). After some time you can start looking at boy things and I'm sure you will get excited. Once you meet them in person and form a bond everything will be fine. And yes, every baby boy my friends have had has been OBSESSED with his mommy. It's really something special.

Re: My twins

I've been there and you don't need to feel guilty about gender disappointment. When I found out my first was a boy it took everything inside me not to burst into tears on the ultrasound table. My DH was overjoyed but I was devestated. And I felt like a TERRIBLE mother and a terrible person for feeling that way. I knew I was lucky to be pregnant with a healthy baby and that was all that should matter, right? But it was impossible not to be upset. And for me, deep down, I knew it was a boy all along. I never had the gut instinct that it was a girl. I knew from day 1 that it was a boy. But when they confirmed it via u/s, my heart sank and any hope of it maybe being a girl was gone. And I forever heard the "I knew it!"s from DH's family

It took me a few weeks to get excited for having a boy. I forced myself to stop going into the girl section in the baby stores, stop focusing on any girl stuff, and I tried to get myself excited for a boy by planning his nursery and buying some cute boy clothes. Once I started doing that I got over the girl thing pretty quickly. I will tell you that I never saw myself as a boy mommy...NEVER. But once he was born, it came so naturally. And now he's 7 years old and I'm due this time with a girl and honestly...I have NO idea what do with a girl I've been a boy mommy for 7 years and that's all I've grown to know. And there is a very very special bond between a mom and her sons. They don't call them momma's boys for no reason I know it's hard to imagine now, but trust me, you will adore being a mom to boys.