Need advice

I had a rough weekend. DH was working on the bathroom the whole weekend so I was on-call with Alex for both days, meanwhile she had the serious grumps.

So, I've still been spending a lot of time with our neighbor. She calls at night, she comes over on the weekends. She's in the process of getting the divorce, and hubby is totally out of the picture.

The problem is, I'm starting to feel drained. I knew this would happen, but I wanted to help, so I put myself in this position. SHe calls every other night to talk for 45 mins, and I"m just not a phone person.

This weekend and last, she had to work on Sunday, so I watched her three children for 3 hours, with Alex. I understand she has NO ONE to watch them, and can't afford a babysitter, so I'm willing to help, but I'm just starting to feel exhausted, particularly because her oldest, who is 8, has serious behavioral/mental delays and issues.

Yesterday, I had a playdate with friends and invited her over with her children. One of my friends has a 9 month old baby and is VERY overprotective of her. The 8 year old, Yasmine, has issues with giving people space - so I told her when she got to the house that she must leave the baby alone. Useless attempt because she spent the next hour chasing my friend with her 9 month old, getting in their faces, grabbing the baby, and at one point, when my friend decided to leave, Yasmin freaked out, started hitting the mom (my friend), and tried to grab the baby, forcefully.

Now, I know part of the problem is that my friend is not exactly the most patient, understanding or compassionate, and she just reeled in disgust when Yasmin first approached her - none of the other mothers had a problem because they are all very patient and understanding. But, all the same, it really took a toll on me, particularly because Julia, the mom, didn't really get involved. Partly because she feels awful about everything going on in their lives so she doesn't want to discipline them, and partly because I really think she's of the philosophy to just rationalize with the chlidren them to ease them through their issues, which obviously doesn't work in this case.

So, I don't know if I'm seeking advice here, or just need to vent after a very stressful weekend I did call my friend to apologize to her and told her that I would give her a "heads up" next time she comes over if Julia plans on bringing her kids.

Re: Need advice

That's rough. Sometimes you want to do the right thing and help out, and it can turn around and bite you in the butt.
I understand that she has no one else, and that you are obviously a compassionate person, but I would say you need to start drawing really clear lines with this woman. You have your own life with your own issues, and at some point, carrying someone else's baggage becomes too much. I'm not saying to cut ties with her completely, but I'd be very direct with her. When she calls, maybe talk for 15 minutes, instead of 45, and say, "I'm really sorry to cut this short, but I've had a long day and need to get things together for tomorrow." It's polite, but to the point.
As for watchign her kids, maybe just come out and say, "I don't mind helping you out X amount of hours or days (whatever you think you can do), but I won't be able to help you on X days." or something to that effect. Then maybe help her explore other childcare options.
Like I said, you obviously have a huge heart, but when it starts to effect you negatively, you have to think about yourself and your family's needs first. If you're totally drained, what do you have left?

Re: Need advice

Posted by prncss

That's rough. Sometimes you want to do the right thing and help out, and it can turn around and bite you in the butt.
I understand that she has no one else, and that you are obviously a compassionate person, but I would say you need to start drawing really clear lines with this woman. You have your own life with your own issues, and at some point, carrying someone else's baggage becomes too much. I'm not saying to cut ties with her completely, but I'd be very direct with her. When she calls, maybe talk for 15 minutes, instead of 45, and say, "I'm really sorry to cut this short, but I've had a long day and need to get things together for tomorrow." It's polite, but to the point.
As for watchign her kids, maybe just come out and say, "I don't mind helping you out X amount of hours or days (whatever you think you can do), but I won't be able to help you on X days." or something to that effect. Then maybe help her explore other childcare options.
Like I said, you obviously have a huge heart, but when it starts to effect you negatively, you have to think about yourself and your family's needs first. If you're totally drained, what do you have left?

Re: Need advice

Posted by prncss

That's rough. Sometimes you want to do the right thing and help out, and it can turn around and bite you in the butt.
I understand that she has no one else, and that you are obviously a compassionate person, but I would say you need to start drawing really clear lines with this woman. You have your own life with your own issues, and at some point, carrying someone else's baggage becomes too much. I'm not saying to cut ties with her completely, but I'd be very direct with her. When she calls, maybe talk for 15 minutes, instead of 45, and say, "I'm really sorry to cut this short, but I've had a long day and need to get things together for tomorrow." It's polite, but to the point.
As for watchign her kids, maybe just come out and say, "I don't mind helping you out X amount of hours or days (whatever you think you can do), but I won't be able to help you on X days." or something to that effect. Then maybe help her explore other childcare options.
Like I said, you obviously have a huge heart, but when it starts to effect you negatively, you have to think about yourself and your family's needs first. If you're totally drained, what do you have left?

Re: Need advice

Posted by smdl

Posted by prncss

That's rough. Sometimes you want to do the right thing and help out, and it can turn around and bite you in the butt.
I understand that she has no one else, and that you are obviously a compassionate person, but I would say you need to start drawing really clear lines with this woman. You have your own life with your own issues, and at some point, carrying someone else's baggage becomes too much. I'm not saying to cut ties with her completely, but I'd be very direct with her. When she calls, maybe talk for 15 minutes, instead of 45, and say, "I'm really sorry to cut this short, but I've had a long day and need to get things together for tomorrow." It's polite, but to the point.
As for watchign her kids, maybe just come out and say, "I don't mind helping you out X amount of hours or days (whatever you think you can do), but I won't be able to help you on X days." or something to that effect. Then maybe help her explore other childcare options.
Like I said, you obviously have a huge heart, but when it starts to effect you negatively, you have to think about yourself and your family's needs first. If you're totally drained, what do you have left?

ITA. Perfectly said!

Sometimes out of kindness, we get "sucked" into those situations and don't know how to get out of it. Mostly because we get a sense of guilt and feel bad that they have no other solutions. There are always other solutions. If you were to move tomorrow, she would have to find an alternative. Sometimes we are our own enemies.

Re: Need advice

I am the same way...I always want to help people and have a hard time saying no but if it is starting to stress you out, which in turn will affect DD, I think you may need to tell your neighbor you will help her as much as you can but you also have your own family you have to worry about. You also dont want your neighbor to start taking advantage of your kindness and good heart. I understand she is going through a rough time right night (I have read all of your posts) but eventually she has to start putting back together the pieces of her life. And especially if her children are not behaving and hurting either your child or someone else's you need to say something to her. It's not fair! Have you thought about discussing this with her? She may be very understanding considering all that you have done and do for her.