Need advice (MIL related)

I need advice on how to tell my MIL (in a NICE way) that she won't ever be allowed to watch my DS alone. She's offered a few times recently and DH and I both agree she will never, EVER, be able to watch DS or any future kids. She's an extremely sensitive person so I have to tread carefully. She once stopped speaking to me for 3 or 4 months because I asked her to not smoke around me while I was pregnant (in the car, blowing smoke in my face, etc).

Here's the backstory:

DS started eating food recently and while we were there I gave him some linguine. She took an entire piece (whole) and shoved it in his mouth. I grabbed it out of his mouth and told her to stop, that he could choke. She laughs and says "that's okay, if he chokes you guys are here" So it's okay that you shove food in his mouth to the point of him choking? As long as me or DH are there to do the heimlich? ***!!!

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. They come over and he's eating a banana (whole). She tries shoving food in his mouth AGAIN and I tell her no. I'm doing baby-led weaning and DS only eats what he can physically put in his mouth himself. So she and FIL tell me the story about DH's sister choking when they were little. She said "thank God FIL was there, otherwise I don't know what would have happened. I don't do well with choking, I just jump up and down". FIL tells me that DH's sister was 7 or 8 and they were eating dinner. She was choking on something, and MIL stood up and started literally jumping up and down. She didn't pound on her back, try and give her the heimlich - NOTHING. DH's sister ran into the bathroom and gave heimlich on the toilet!!! When she or DH was younger (can't remember which one it was) one of them choked on a piece of hot dog or something. She did the same thing, but FIL was home and he heard the screaming so he ran up from the basement and gave the heimlich.

After hearing those stories coming from my IL's, I cannot EVER let MIL watch my son. I've always felt extremely uneasy with her and DS, mainly because I feel she has no mommy instinct. Which it's quite obvious now that she doesn't.


If you've gotten this far, please help me figure out something to say when she asks to watch DS again. I keep blowing her off, but that's not going to work for much longer. I'm pretty straightforward with issues like this, but it's gotten me into trouble in the past because she's SO sensitive.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

i would probably have DH tell her that since she doesn't know the heimlich she can't be alone with your son. end of story. Just like i would never hire a babysitter who isn't certifited in CPR i also would never allow anyone who doesn't know how to handle a crisis sitation alone with my child.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I'd just keep blowing her off. I think to tell her outright, would be devastating (although I totally see your point)

Perhaps have her around a tad more when your or DH are home, so she isn't missing out.

If you do tell her, then be prepared for the consequences - but also know that she will just have to get over it.

Don't feel guilty - you know what's best.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I agree with speakthetruth. I don't think you need to tell her she can never watch the baby. Just don't ask her to, and if she keeps asking, say you got someone else. Just have her around when your DH is there.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I'm unfortunately in the same position as you. MIL will not be allowed to watch DS for multiple reasons and DH is ok with this decision. She talks about being able to play with DS at their apt when he gets older, but she smokes in the apt and I will never allow him inside. She's also very sensitive and doesn't react well when I've softly mentioned the smoking thing. I have DH talk to her when I need her to stop smoking before she comes over to see DS. It's really hard but my advice would be to keep putting her off, that's worked for me so far.

FM me if you ever need to vent. Trust me, I understand.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I agree with the coward's way out!

My DD is 6m old and has never been alone with my MIL, and for no good reason - it just never happened. We go over there weekly so she gets to see her but no reason for her to babysit yet SO, its not TOTALLY impossible that it won't happen.

I have someone who constantly says seh cant wait to have the baby over, in the pool etc. and she will NEVER be alone with DD EVER, not even for a minute, I won't even go to the bathroom while she is over - ughhhh. . .well anyway, i plan on never officially telling her. . .

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

i wish my MIL wouldn't speak to me for a few months!!! lol

that said, whenever DH takes DS over to their house, i stay home. Watching her with DS drives me nuts! She was a good mother (as far as how her kids turned out) but we DO NOT see eye to eye on raising our child

I think you should make it sound like you're doing her a favor by not leaving DS with her. "oh mom, he's such a bother we don't want to put you through the torture" or some version of it. Would sitting her down and talking to her about it work? Explaining your concerns based on what she has told you?

not much help but wish you luck!

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I would just say, "Oh but what about if he chokes or god forbid something were to happen, could you help him?"

Obviously she would say "no" (cause she jumps up and down-- LMAO, im sorry but that one made me LOL).

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Posted by speakthetruth

I'd just keep blowing her off. I think to tell her outright, would be devastating (although I totally see your point)

Perhaps have her around a tad more when your or DH are home, so she isn't missing out.

If you do tell her, then be prepared for the consequences - but also know that she will just have to get over it.

Don't feel guilty - you know what's best.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I would be honest - I'm a terrible liar and couldn't keep it up. I would just tell her that you only leave your dc alone with people who are certified in cpr and the heimlich because you never know what could happen and you need some peace of mind while you are out running errands or whatever.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Uggh, sounds so annoying! My MIL will also never watch my DC but for different reasons. I (hopefully) won't have to tell her that though.

I think since you kind of have to say something, maybe take all the blame?Tell her that you are just way too paranoid and are having such a hard time with the thought of anyone else watching DS. That way it is about you and not her.

If it comes down to it I would tell her the truth. As much as you love her you just don't feel comfortable, god forbid DS chokes. It is a valid reason and if she gets upset, it is kind of on her. OR have your DH do it!

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Would she take a CPR course? I'd tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby until she takes one.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Posted by Momma2Be

Posted by maybeamommy

Would she take a CPR course? I'd tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby until she takes one.

Crissy, I agree with this. In the meantime, if you ever need anyone to watch T, just let me know. I've taken an infant CPR class

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Posted by OrganicMama

Posted by maybeamommy

Would she take a CPR course? I'd tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her watching the baby until she takes one.

That's the other thing...she was a heavy smoker until 6 months ago, and she has irreversible lung damage. She has less than 30% lung capacity, and the doctor has been pushing her to get an oxygen tank. So besides the choking issue, if she ever NEEDED to give CPR, she wouldn't physically be able to do it

And besides that I don't think a CPR course would make any difference. From what I've seen with her around DS (and stories from when she was raising her kids) she has no mommy instincts, so even if she knew CPR or the heimlich I don't think she would actually do it. She seems to freeze up and do nothing.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

sounds like your MIL & my mom are long lost twins. My mom has tried to push large food pieces on him when he was just starting off. Other things ontop of that that I just didn't feel comfortable......

I'd say push it off. Since you said she'll have to know.... let dh(Her son) tell her. It might soften it that way. He can say that since the pediatrician has warned you guys how lifethreatening it can be for a baby to choke, and given the past track record you two don't feel comfortable with her watching him solo, but look forward to visiting her...maybe institute a Sunday dinner every other weekend, or once a month.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Posted by Momma2Be


Crissy, I agree with this. In the meantime, if you ever need anyone to watch T, just let me know. I've taken an infant CPR class

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I wouldn't phrase it that the only reason she can't watch DS is because of her lack of emergency skills- because I bet she would run and take courses Crissy. It's more than that and so I don't suggest using that as the only way out because she could take 435436 CPR classes and it wouldn't matter LOL. I would just avoid it. You know if DH gets called into work, you can call me! I would just avoid it altogether or tell her the truth (which could get ugly).

Message edited 1/29/2011 10:39:27 PM.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

I agree with the PPs who say not to say anything. I don't think there will ever be a nice way to say such a thing. Just keep blowing her off. Eventually she will stop trying.

Re: Need advice (MIL related)

Different reasons, same situation for me. My step mother just is never allowed to be alone with her. Over my dead body. She's super offended and thankfully super stupid. But never will she watch my child. I tried once and she took a nap. AJ was less than a year old. She left her on the floor and just went to sleep. Hubby came home and was like W..t f? She said she did it with her kids, same diff.

Yup.. no go here.

Now we just find every reason under the sun. She's called me out on a few times "You just don't want me alone with her do you" I mean POINT BLANK. I reply "what gave you that idea?" She'll push back at me things I've done and I usually say "And?" I mean you can't say that my reasons are totally unlikely or unreasonable, right?