Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

This is going to be long but if you make it to the end I REALLY need advice.

My DS started Kindergarten on September 2nd. He's been going to daycare/Pre-K since 6 months old so being gone all day in a school environment is nothing new to him. The first week everything *seemed* fine. I say seemed because we hadn't heard otherwise.

His Meet the Teacher night was September 10th. His dad (my ExH) and I both attended. We stayed after the meeting to talk 1 -on-1 with his teacher just to let her know about his living situation (we're divorced and share custody so he lives in 2 households). It wasn't until then that she told us that he has been struggling in class and that he hit another student on September 5th. I was shocked to hear that he hit another kid because he has NEVER acted out like that, but moreso I was put off that I was hearing about it 5 days later and only because we decided to stay after and approach her. ExH and I expressed to her that we need her to communicate with us AS SOON AS something like this happens. We expect a note home or a phone call the same day. We let her know that we would work on it at home as much as possible and to keep the lines of communication open so that we were all on the same page.

Well, our conversation went out the window. The following day DS hit TWO kids. I found out from HIM. She sent no note home and did not contact me. So, Friday afternoon I called her classroom. She went on to tell me that he is "too energetic, cant sit still, doesn't focus well, " basically she said nothing positive AT ALL about my son. I finally said to her "he told me he hit a kid" and she said yes. WHY did I have to call her to find out? And why did it take 5 minutes into the conversation to find out? Wouldn't that be the first thing you mention??

So, on mine and ExH's suggestion, we ask to set up a meeting with the teacher and Principal to try to figure out a way to work through his behavior. First the teacher is fine with it, but 2 days later she tells us "the Principal doesn't need to be involved". We had to directly call the Principal to ensure she would be attending because the teacher didn't tell her about the meeting. In the meantime (yesterday), we created a simple form for the teacher to fill out each day. It literally just says "Did DS hit anyone today?" and she circles yes or no. She TOLD us she would fill it out every day. She sends DS home today with the form with NOTHING circled and simply writes "As per our conversation, we will hold off on this until after our meeting".

I'm LIVID. I'm TRYING to help my son here and she's refusing to give us any information about what's going on at school. She's refusing to communicate with us after we've reached out to her and asked her at least 6 times in the past week. On the phone she keeps telling us what WE need to do at home (including how to discipline him) to rectify the problem, but she hasn't given ONE solution that she will task in the classroom.

At this point I want him to be switched to another classroom. I know that won't solve the problem but I think he really needs a more patient and understanding teacher, and we need one who will work with us to communicate how he is or is not improving.

Am I wrong?? How would you react?

Message edited 9/16/2014 4:45:58 PM.

Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I would be very annoyed at the teacher and I would push to get him into another class.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I would be livid! I would start documenting your attempts at communicating with the teacher. Continue to send the chart with a note that says something to the effect of "we want to deal with DS behavior on a daily basis. He needs timely punishment if he is not acting as he should, and we would like to praise him on days where he has good behavior." And again, document this second attempt. When you meet with the principle, reference these specific instances where she is not being open to your attempts.
It should be a teachers job to help your son succeed in school. Not only is it her job, but it should be her basic desire as a teacher to help students. If she is not capable of doing that then I think you have every right to ask to have him moved to a different classroom.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

So sorry your son is having a tough start. Many kids have a difficult time transitioning to K. It's a completely new environment and the expectations are higher than ever.

I would give the teacher a chance to meet with you and develop a plan to help your son. I wouldn't be getting the principal involved at this point. It's just not at that level...you haven't even met with the teacher to problem solve. The teacher May also feel like she's being reprimanded which isn't really going to make things better. I think the teacher and parent always need to communicate first. The teacher might have just wanted to give your son some time to adjust to his new classroom and deal with his behavior herself. I do think she should be communicating with you now though, after your repeated requests. I am not a fan of punishment at home for K aged kids for something that happened at school. Consequences need to be more immediate, but you could certainly talk to him about any behaviors he is exhibiting at school. The most important thing you need to do is get to the bottom of why he is acting out.

Good luck! If things don't improve you could also speak to the school psychologist about any concerns. That's what they are there for.

Message edited 9/16/2014 8:29:19 PM.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

Can I be honest? I think you should have asked first to meet with the teacher in a conference before asking for the principal to be at a meeting. I know you spoke by phone but I think meeting in person to address your concerns and coming at it from the perspective of "What can we do together to help my son?" would have come off better than sending in a chart for her to fill out and then when she didn't, demanding a meeting with the principal. I know in my school, my principal wouldn't even agree to sit in on that meeting. He'd ask the parent if they had had a conference with the teacher first. Even then, I would think meeting with the school psychologist would be more helpful than the principal. I think asking for that meeting was counter productive to what you want, which is to help your son, because now the teacher is annoyed that you went right to the principal to try to "get what you want". I know that's not what you're thinking, but that's how it probably came off. Also, I really don't think they would change a kid's class for this. There are plenty of parents who don't like their kid's teacher and they can't change it every time. I wouldn't expect or ask for that because I think it will paint you as "that parent" and I don't think you want that only the third week of school.

I think the other problem is that often kindergarten parents expect the same level of communication with the teacher that they had in pre-k and preschool and it simply isn't possible. MANY kindergarten kids have trouble in the first month with hitting, pinching, calling out, running in the room/hallway, pushing on the playground, etc. I bet the teacher has a few of those incidents a day in September. It would be hard for her to keep in contact with each of those parents each day. That being said, should she have filled out your chart? Yes, that was super simple for her to do. However, like I said before, she is probably annoyed about the request for the principal.

At this point, I think your best bet is to meet with her in person to discuss what your son's behavior looks like in class, discuss how she is going to address it in school, how she will communicate this to you and how you will reinforce it at home. Document everything that happens and what you say at that meeting. Then see how it goes for a couple of weeks. If after that period of time it doesn't get better, then I would ask for a meeting with the school psychologist and the teacher to get another viewpoint and take it from there. Hopefully that won't be needed.

Sorry this got so long. I hope some of it is helpful!

ETA:
I am the parent of a kindergartener too and I know it isn't easy in the beginning. Good luck!

Message edited 9/16/2014 8:25:06 PM.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I agree with Teachergal.

I don't think she did anything wrong and I wouldn't change teachers. I also agree that the principal should not be involved and would ask for the school psychologist to be present at the meeting.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I understand you being upset, but after reading what TeacherGal said, I thought she was bringing very valid points.

DS had some episodes on Kindergarten that I never learned, until I was at school to see them or, even, when he was on 1st grade and he said to me he was sent to the principal's office when he was on K with "his friend", because they were hitting each other

At the beginning it wasn't fun to learn that, but I'm guessing that if I wasn't told that, it's because it is more common for the teacher than I think (although I didn't like DS being on that situation). DS told me that he was getting time outs at the end of K, and when I asked the teacher, she said that was very common as well.

Transitioning might be difficult for many kids. DS never had separation anxiety, but now, thinking about it, maybe that was his way to deal with it.

Saying that, I spoke with the counselor at school, because DH and I were having problems at that time, and I didn't know how much of that was affecting DS.

BTW, on 2nd grade DS was in the same class again with the kid he wasn't getting along with, and his teacher on 2nd thought it wasn't necessary for them to had been sent to the principal's office and she always asked the parents to talk to her first (out of respect) instead of going to the principal or other person.

I know that sometimes it is difficult to trust what teachers do at school, but I think they are there for the right reasons. Try talking to the teacher on a one on one meeting and see how yo both can work for your DS. Also, reach the counselor… On some public schools they have the program "banana split", that might help the kids and where they meet friends with divorced parents.

GL and I assure you everything gets easier

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I agree with the other ladies.

Please do not flame, but I think it's kind of inappropriate to place a demand on a teacher to implement something for you without even having a sit down first.

I would imagine there may be reasons you don't yet know about why she couldn't necessarily even fill out this kind of tool you have created.

I also don't think it's right to involve the principal at this point.

I have a child that is also in K and has had some issues with behavior, surprisingly not really at school though.

All of our kids are the light of our life, but when I actually volunteered at DS Pre-k last year, I was able to observe first hand that there were kids with much more serious issues and the teacher was able to easily handle my son as a result.

Not saying that's as an excuse, but I tend to feel the teachers are the experts.

I'm in a similar field, and I have had well-meaning parents try to tell me my job, go over my head, as well as attempt to implement inappropriate interventions and it doesn't usually make my ability to provide a good service to their child run as smoothly as possible.

Communication is definitely super important so I would continue to monitor that, but also do some self-reflection and be mindful of what being part of a team involves before you go in there with guns blazing.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

Posted by Teachergal

Can I be honest? I think you should have asked first to meet with the teacher in a conference before asking for the principal to be at a meeting. I know you spoke by phone but I think meeting in person to address your concerns and coming at it from the perspective of "What can we do together to help my son?" would have come off better than sending in a chart for her to fill out and then when she didn't, demanding a meeting with the principal. I know in my school, my principal wouldn't even agree to sit in on that meeting. He'd ask the parent if they had had a conference with the teacher first. Even then, I would think meeting with the school psychologist would be more helpful than the principal. I think asking for that meeting was counter productive to what you want, which is to help your son, because now the teacher is annoyed that you went right to the principal to try to "get what you want". I know that's not what you're thinking, but that's how it probably came off. Also, I really don't think they would change a kid's class for this. There are plenty of parents who don't like their kid's teacher and they can't change it every time. I wouldn't expect or ask for that because I think it will paint you as "that parent" and I don't think you want that only the third week of school.

I think the other problem is that often kindergarten parents expect the same level of communication with the teacher that they had in pre-k and preschool and it simply isn't possible. MANY kindergarten kids have trouble in the first month with hitting, pinching, calling out, running in the room/hallway, pushing on the playground, etc. I bet the teacher has a few of those incidents a day in September. It would be hard for her to keep in contact with each of those parents each day. That being said, should she have filled out your chart? Yes, that was super simple for her to do. However, like I said before, she is probably annoyed about the request for the principal.

At this point, I think your best bet is to meet with her in person to discuss what your son's behavior looks like in class, discuss how she is going to address it in school, how she will communicate this to you and how you will reinforce it at home. Document everything that happens and what you say at that meeting. Then see how it goes for a couple of weeks. If after that period of time it doesn't get better, then I would ask for a meeting with the school psychologist and the teacher to get another viewpoint and take it from there. Hopefully that won't be needed.

Sorry this got so long. I hope some of it is helpful!

ETA:
I am the parent of a kindergartener too and I know it isn't easy in the beginning. Good luck!

Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I agree with everyone else that you need to give it time and that each teacher communicates differently. While some teachers email daily others may not at all. That doesn't mean they are bad teachers but they have a different way of running their classrooms. By contacting the principal and sending in a form for her to fill out, I think you already put the school on the defensive before you were able to even have a one to one with the teacher. It wouldn't surprise me if the principal told the teacher not to fill out your form or add "smiley" faces on his papers until them met with you since the issue has been escalated. I would go to the meeting once it's set up and ask how you can help your son succeed in class and not put the blame on the teacher.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

I am a teacher and I actually am going to disagree with some of the responses.

It's possible that she was told not to fill out the form, but then she should say something to you about it and then suggest an alternative, i.e. "This isn't something I am able to do, but how about x or y?"

If she is that uncommunicative, she is not doing what she is supposed to do.

It's hard to blame you for not suggesting a meeting when she has blown numerous chances to communicate.

Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

^ ITA. Although TeacherGal made very valid points, I think the teacher is also being stubborn and uncommunicative and that needs to be addressed, as well.

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

Re: Need some advice - Kindergartener struggling and teacher isn't helping

The first month on kindergarten is tough for lots of kids and I don't think your son's behavior is too out of the norm. I would be put-off that the teacher made a point to single out your son.

Does the teacher have an overall classroom behavior system? I know my DD's kindergarten teacher last year had one where kids would move up or down on colors depending on the "choices" they made (i.e., good behavior/choices move up, bad behavior/choices, go down). As long as they ended on a the middle (green) or higher, they got a ticket in a little envelope and when they accumulated X number of tickets, they picked from the prize box.

But this was something for the whole class and it seemed to work really well. Other teachers seemed to have some version of this as well.

It sounds like you may have gotten off to a bad start with the teacher (understandably so). At the next meeting, perhaps ask her how she usually handles situations like this? Or ask for her input and say you'd like to follow her suggestions/guidance to see if it helps. I mean, your son is probably not the first kid that doesn't act perfectly in the first couple of weeks of school, you know? But instead of coming to the table with forms/ideas/suggestions maybe listen to what she has to say and then implement it even if it may mean you have to be a little more hands off (like not getting back the form everyday).

But hugs to you--stuff like this is hard!