Need to share...and seek advice

I feel clouded and overwhelmed. Tired, not rested. Irritable and on edge. I had a miscarriage 3-4 weeks ago after my 1st pregnancy, after 6 IUI's, I Fresh IVF and 1 FET. It was awful. I cannot even fully recall it as it was such a searing pain that I have put a wall up around it. The trouble is that as I consider trying again, I am unable to properly connect to the emotions of why I wanted a baby in the first place. The joy is gone and the optimism dead. It all seems like too much trouble and risk to me and I start to consider “what is childfree living like?” Have you googled it? It’s interesting – Childfree by Choice and Childfree by Circumstance. What comical statements to delineate how one ended up without children during that always asked question at a cocktail party.
I am clearly in a bad place without clear focus. The irony is I thought I was doing fine until this weekend. I consider a vacation however the burden of cost weighs on me as I am self pay. That money could be my next FET. I am out of shape, having gained weight in my “who gives a sh#%” phase with wine, ice cream, chocolate, you name it, I ate it.
It is so hard to do the right thing for myself right now. Why? Because I don’t believe I deserve it. I blame myself. I feel guilt somehow and shame that it happened. Rationally I get when people say I didn't do anything to cause it but honestly deep down I must hold myself responsible. I am angry at myself. Is it because there is nowhere else to put it? Who do you yell at when your body betrays you? Who do you yell at when you have tried so hard to get pregnant? Who do you yell at when you are left with no pregnancy after experiencing the life changing joy of “congratulations, you are pregnant!”? Who do you yell at when you sit here debating the future and try to sort your head out? Who do you yell at when you have no idea how you are going to have to find the strength and clarity to try again? Who do you yell at when the thought of risking your heart again to give it another shot is terrifying? Who do you yell at when you realize the next FET may not work? Who am I supposed to yell at? Does God think I am underserving? Am I so wrong in my instinct and belief that this was the path for us?
I am frozen in fear and I hate this place of uncertainty and pain. Thanks for listening - I am sure some of you have felt this as well and I just don't want to feel so alone in all of this today.

Need to share...and seek advice

Wow, thank you for opening up to us with such raw emotion. I'll speak for myself here. I became so consumed with having a baby the moment we got married. The longer it took, the more consumed and worked up I got. There was a time that I was so focused on the getting pregnant part that I lost sight of what having a baby would actually be like and why I wanted it. Then you have the constant questions of when are you having children. Someone even asked me when my due date was when I wasn't even pregnant. Salt to the wound to say the least.

I went through 7 medicated cycles, which felt like eternity to me and a race with no finish line. This included 4 iuis and 2 fresh Ivfs. I'm one or the lucky ones and the second Ivf resulted in my dd. not a day goes by that I don't think about what a miracle she is. That she even exists. When I found out the first Ivf didn't work I was gutted. I thought, we tried everything and it didn't work so now what. I threw myself a quick pity party, picked myself up and got a slightly diff protocol from my re. Dh also dragged me to couples therapy after that first Ivf bc it really took it's toll on our marriage...and everything really.

You're not alone. None of this is your fault. Have you thought about talking to someone? There are a lot of therapists that specialize in infertility.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I am sorry you are felling this way. I can relate to all of if. Every word you wrote are words I've said to myself at some point or another. I have no magic answer. I wish I did. For me, every day got a little better and easier to deal. Day by day. That's it.

Things that are working for me at the moment:

I found a new focus and that's my health. I exercise every day and eat right. It's helping me regain my confidence.

My new friends. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have people in your life who KNOW how you feel and what you are going through. You should try to get to our next GTG. I promise you that you love it and feel a little better.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I agree 100% with Phyllis.
Know that you are not alone. I swear if you search back a couple years, you'll see my "pity party" posts. I have said your words, felt the same emotions, more than once and at different points in my journey. It's not uncommon. Loss just heightens those emotions. Reach out to some of the ladies on here. For me, having friends who can relate to my experiences proved to be the best shoulder to cry on and my biggest cheerleader. It took me a while to accept my journey but ultimaely that's what kept me going. If you're loosing yourself to infertility, this ******* of a disease, take a step back. Take a break. Refresh. It's not easy but you'll be thankful you did. These meds can wreak havoc on your entire being.
I share my advice because I am a success story, I am a survivor of miscarriage, 6 IVFs. And I'm doing it all over again because that's how "worth it" it truly is.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I think many can relate to your post. I also suffered miscarriages 1 after my 1st ivf & then after my 1st FET. It was a feeling of despair that no words can describe & I remember waking up on most mornings depressed & thinking I can't believe this is my life. I prayed, I searched the internet for success stories, I cried, I tried to think of other things to occupy my mind & kept reminding myself to stay hopeful. It was very hard & my point is you're not alone. I think everyone copes in their own way & my best advice is figure out whatever is best for you right now . I will never forget the pain I felt during that time period but it was all worth it because I have a baby girl as the result of my 2nd FET & she is the joy of my life.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I am so sorry for your loss. It has only been a few weeks and is still very raw. I had 3 losses last year (two early, one after a heartbeat) and they -- especially the later one -- were the most pain I ever experienced. I could barely function for weeks, months. It is very very difficult. I dont think I would have gotten through it without a good support network (what helped me most was talking to friends who had also gone through it). I also started a small online support group which helped a lot as well. If you ever want to talk, message me any time. I am so so sorry. I was lucky enough to get pregnant on my own without the added layer of fertility treatments on top of it, which I can only imagine makes things even worse.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

You are definitely not alone. I'm in a very similar place emotionally and I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth (or keyboard, as the case may be). I know it's nobody's "fault", but I'm mad at the world and mad at myself for feeling that way. I feel cheated of so many experiences that so many other people just take for granted. And after suffering for so many years from endo and now dealing with this, I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me.

I think some of what I'm feeling is from my hormones being out of whack from everything. At least that's what I'm attributing the wanting to cry at the drop of a hat to.

We're also OOP, so the financial burden weighs heavily on me. I'd desperately love a vacation right now to be able to decompress and regroup, but we just can't afford that plus another round of IVF. If this next round doesn't work, our only other option would be to try donor eggs, which is another huge chunk of money.

I know that nobody ever promised that life would be fair, I guess I was just naive enough to think that it wouldn't be this unfair.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It is still very recent and raw. I think you need more time to heal. I also think it would really benefit you to talk to someone. Many therapists specialize in fertility issues. Some REs even require therapy before they will proceed with IVF. I think it can only help you to get your mind straight again before making any decisions on ttc (or not).

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

Honestly I can't even write much because your post has me hysterical crying right now but I needed to at least acknowledge your post it was so so powerful and I pray that we all find the strength in this horrible journey to push through and overcome it. Sending a million hugs to you.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

sending u hugs ....im so sorry for your loss.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I am so sorry for your loss. You are still raw right now so allow yourself to cry and feel. In time, and I know this is hard to believe, you will feel a little better. You have so many girls on here who have been where you have and know that you will be okay!
What gets you through it? For me it's prayer, talking about it to others who have been there, working out and trying to eat right, and taking breaks. Try not to google too much and when you feel that overwhelmed, chaotic feeling coming, just shut the computer, take a few deep breathes and try and change your thoughts into positive ones. None of us have the answers to IF but staying positive will keep you moving forward. I have had 5 failed IUI's, 1 failed IVF and 6 miscarriages last year alone. Part of me wants to crumble at times but I just keep going. If it works out that I will not have a baby in the end, at least I will walk away knowing I tried everything I could. It is worth fighting for.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

I'm so very sorry for you loss. Let me say thank you for sharing this, you've put into words what most of us are and currently going through. There will days like this and there will be "regular" days. It's just one of those things that we have to cope with.

For me, every day has been torture. It becomes oh so very consuming. I try to say to myself "this too shall pass". I sometimes pick myself up and sometimes I just can't seem to. I've come to accept that this is just how it is.

I do hope that this road will eventually lead to a place of content. One day.

Need to share...and seek advice

Thank you ALL for your kind replies and for sharing your experience too. I cannot imagine having another miscarriage and to know that many of you have had more than 1...I do not know how you guys did it...I suppose you just have to.....ugh, this sh$# sucks! You are all inspirations to me and such a positive reminder that 1) I am not alone 2) my feelings are not crazy 3) I will get through this...somehow. I just can't believe how it hit me so hard this weekend. I do see a therapist and actually saw her on Saturday which was the trigger for me actually facing what's happened and the loss and pain that I experienced. She recommends taking some time to regroup, suggested a vacation. I feel like I've so been there, done that....a huge part of me just wants to rush into the next FET so I can get it over with and know one way or the other the outcome. However, with this attitude I suppose I shouldn't be rushing anywhere.
Reading your replies lifted my spirits and I am again indebted to you on here. I have few people in my life that understands the stress of the IF journey, combined with the miscarriage as the icing on the cake.
By nature I am usually a positive person and don't like to be a complainer, but I think I need to grieve too and allow the sadness to be present. It's SO hard working and smiling and connecting, meanwhile its all right below the surface. Thanks again ladies - this is beyond helpful to process what's going on and take small steps forward. with gratitude xo

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

Need to share...and seek advice

I totally understand everything you are saying. This is my 10th medicated cycle and I'm tired. This is probably our last shot. The whole process is exhausting and so unfair. I always wonder why me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm physically and mentally exhausted and don't think I can take much more.

Hang in there. Thats all we can do....If you need a break take one. I took a 3 month break and it was nice to get back to being semi-normal. I hope everything works out for you.

Re: Need to share...and seek advice

Posted by KMCGK

I share my advice because I am a success story, I am a survivor of miscarriage, 6 IVFs. And I'm doing it all over again because that's how "worth it" it truly is.