Need to share...just to get it out..

The Christmas I Truly Grew Up....

I thought it was the year I learned the truth about Santa. I thought it was the year that I had the flu and we had to cancel Christmas because I had to stay in bed. Then I thought it was the first heartwrenching year without my precious father. And while all of these years threw me into adulthood that ripped the magic of Christmas from my heart and soul, NOTHING could prepare me for the Christmas I TRULY grew up...
And ironically as I was pushed into growing, my baby had stopped. “Fetal demise.” “Stopped growing.” “The sac is empty.” Who would have thought mere words could force someone into a world of reality at a time when its supposed to be filled with wonder and amazement for children and adults alike.
Last weekend, I was rubbing my belly. I woke up and would talk to you as I sipped Sprite and prayed not to get sick. I would panic for a few minutes and then ask myself why I was letting myself feel any fear. God had placed you there. God had felt it was meant to be. Who was I to question? So I let myself go. My mantra became, “Whatever God decides. I leave it in his hands.” And when I did, he took it away from me. I feel broken. I feel empty. I find myself rubbing my belly only to realize its empty now. I find that I talk to myself instead of talking to my baby. I find myself searching for songs and images that force me to cry. I need to get it out. This feeling within cannot be trapped inside me. One second I feel that I am going to burst into a ball of flames with anger and WHY'S???? WHY ME? Why didnt we deserve this? Why did this have to happen? Why, God, did you decide THIS WAS BEST FOR US? The next second I find myself giggling, because this just cannot be real. This has to be a sick joke. My God wouldnt be this hurtful to people who arent the best of human beings but we are good. Good people who love each other and deserved this blessing. My daughter has grown up alone and this was her chance. So not only did God rip it from two grown adults, but from a ten year old, who has no idea it was even happening.
I sat home and watched helplessly as I lost you. I went to the hospital with the hopes that it would be different news. I knew Sunday morning this was it. There wasnt a doubt in my mind. But I held onto the hope that we would be recognized for being decent people who were blessed with something that we werent even trying for. So I held my stomach, I looked at that screen and at the sonographer's face. The gut wrenching faces she made made me instantly sick. I fear if I ever see her in the street I will completely lose it. I never want to see her face again. The twisted ways she put her lips, how she squinted her eyes to see something that wasnt even there anymore. How she whispered to us in the dark room that she should be seeing something more. “Wheres the heartbeat? Shouldnt there be a heartbeat by now?” Her answer was so flat. So matter of a fact. “I dont see anything, I'm sorry.”
FETAL DEMISE. Thats what the papers said. As I laid on that hard gurney with an iv inserted in me, not even hooked up to anything because nothing would have saved my baby, I prayed to my Dad. Because if anyone could make this better, it would be him. Didnt he have direct access to God now? But I guess even in heaven, there are certain things you can't control. I was cold, shivering, doubled over in pain. I was petrified, embarrassed and most of all, BROKEN. I had been defeated. Just a day ago, I was pregnant. And now? My symptoms were disappearing as fast as they had appeared a month prior. How could I go from one day thinking about baby names and talking to my little one, to being so empty. EMPTY...there are no other words to describe it. The world goes on. People laugh and talk and especially at the holidays, they enjoy. HOW??????? How are they laughing and just living life? I feel like I am inside a bubble looking out. I want to be normal. I want to be full of Christmas magic and wonder but I am empty. I go through the motions for my daughter and my family and even my friends. But when I stop. When it gets so quiet around me. When I am alone in my head and in my heart, I find myself telling myself to breathe. I cant even breathe. An involuntary function such as breathing..how can you forget how to breathe? How can a breath hurt your heart so bad?
The procedure ended it all. Before that, I thought there was a chance. What is that about Christmas miracles? They happen right? They are real for other people arent they? Why wasnt it coming for me? What could I have done to be more deserving? What could I have changed? YOU, GOD surprised us with this blessing. Why give us something to just take it away? How can such a wonderful, loving being be so hurtful? These thoughts haunt me and I try to turn to my faith. But I am having a difficult time. My faith was ripped from me, just like my baby. I lost it all in those few days. With those few words I kept hearing over and over....
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” A quote I keep coming across in conjunction with miscarriages. Is it wrong that I want to scream with any energy I have left, I DONT WANT TO FEEL MY BABY WITH MY HEART. I WANT TO FEEL HIM IN MY ARMS! I WANT TO SEE HIM AND TOUCH HIM. MY ARMS ACHED FOR HIM. ITS ALL MY HEART EVER WANTED! WHY, JUST WHY????????
I tried to complete Christmas. Everything was bought. Everything was wrapped. Everything was decorated. I didnt fail. I didnt faulter. But the magic was gone. I still looked at Christmas lights with wonder and amazement, like I had done as a child. I still listened for those bells because thats how much I always believed. I listened for his footsteps on Christmas Eve night because I always felt that a part of him was real. I even asked the Santa in my heart to give me a miracle. This was the Christmas I truly grew up.....I was left with nothing. There are no bells. No footsteps. No miracles. Theres only emptiness. And a feeling that I need to wake up from this nightmare. But no matter how much I beg, instead I wake up soaking wet. How can one wake up crying. How is it physically possible? I come down the stairs and get my coffee that I had to stop drinking for the past month but now apparently I can just do it again. I stop myself from taking an advil because after all, I am pregnant and cant. And then it hits me. You can have a glass of wine. You can take an advil. You can have the coffee. Because in an instant, theres nothing there to stop you. I WISH I couldnt do those things. Id give up everything just to have my miracle...
They say times heals all. So I go through the days, minute by minute. I look into my daughters eyes and know that I have every ounce of love I need in her. I look ino my boyfriends eyes and see the pain he is suffering. Its his loss too. I look at my family and find that I cant even look in their eyes because I feel like Ive let people down. Why couldnt I do this? So I pray for time to pass. I pray to find some sort of faith again. I pray that this pain isnt this bad forever. I pray for those who have been through it and those who have been through worse. I try to be empathetic to others because I know I am not alone. But right now, I FEEL ALONE. I feel empty. Just a few days ago, I felt heavy. And I started worrying. Was I gaining weight too fast? But then it made me smile. I would be showing sooner rather than later. I would be pregnant to the world. My baby would be here in August. Just like my first. And now I have to find a way to survive August 2nd. The day you would have been born. I need to find a way to breathe. I need to remember not to rub my belly. I need to not think about the perfect name. I need to realize that you are gone.
I hope one day I can get my magic back. I hope I can feel magic and belief again. But for now, I need this time. I need to feel this or not feel this. I need to feel empty and broken. Because there is no denying it. I AM EMPTY AND BROKEN. I will be forever changed....and this will always be the Christmas that I truly grew up. Whether I wanted to or not.

Re: Need to share...just to get it out..

Re: Need to share...just to get it out..

I'm so sorry. This really hit home for me. Last year I started spotting on Christmas Eve and the next several weeks were an emotional roller coaster with spotting on and off, then bleeding, then a confirmed miscarriage which was later discovered to be an ectopic pregnancy and then emergency surgery to remove my tube. Although it has gotten easier as time has passed, it was impossible to not relive last year's roller coaster during this year's holidays. It was on my mind constantly.

Wishing you peace and comfort during this extremely difficult time. Take time to grieve and lean on those who are there to support you. It's normal to go through a range of emotions. Even when I thought I was doing better, something would set me off and I'd break down again. Give yourself plenty of time to work through everything. I hope you find your happy ending.

Need to share...just to get it out..

I'm so sorry. Its so rough and heartbreaking. I'm going through a loss too and July won't be easy this year. So unfair. Hang in there.

Need to share...just to get it out..

I'm so sorry. I also had a loss recently. Its terrible...

Re: Need to share...just to get it out..

Oh, I'm so sorry. You are not alone. We have been there too, unfortunately for us all. Last December 21st, I lost my baby at 8 weeks. A mere four days later on Christmas, we had been planning to tell our boys and families. But it was all taken away in an instant when we were told there was no longer a heartbeat. I had to pretend everything was ok for my boys, when all I wanted to do is crawl into bed and cry. It was the worst Christmas of my life. Know your sweet little baby matters, he will not be forgotten, and you are definitely not alone.

Re: Need to share...just to get it out..

I think this is the most honest and humbling responses to loss that I have read.

There are no words that can help, make you feel better, etc....the fact of the matter is....this sucks.

Right before the holidays, I found out that our baby had no heartbeat at 11.5 weeks and had a D&C 6 days later. Two years ago, the day after we buried my grandmother and my last grandparent, I lost a daughter at 27 weeks.

After that loss I felt that gut wrench every time I saw a pregnant woman. I tried not the think "why me", but who can help it? So many people here are fighting for the chance to be a mom and I had a beautiful son at home. When I had my loss last month, I have two beautiful sons that I thank God every day for.

I have learned a few things...

1. December sucks

2. Keeping busy and focused on my son(s) was my way of getting through

3. Look ahead and not back and making goals....never forget, but it cannot change at this point


So now, my new year's resolution is to get back on the horse (so to speak)...I hope my husband is ready

Realize that you are not alone...we are all here for similar reasons and you can always vent and share when you need to.

Re: Need to share...just to get it out..

I am going to offer a bit of advice and hope it helps.

My Rabbi had just started with his new congregation (my shul). And had just been hired being a Rabbi in St Thomas.

He told his story of almost dying with his whole family.

Basically. There were living in St Thomas when a monster hurricane hit. He and his wife and 3 kids. All American citizens. I can't fill in all the details, but they could not get out of St. Thomas.

At one point all 5 of them were in the bathroom in the bathtub with a mattress on top of them. Winds howling. The condo they lived in getting ripped, literally from around them. They could HEAR all the destruction going on.

At one point his middle daughter Talia looked at him and said "Why is God doing this to us?". To this day I will never forget his response.

He told her that God is NOT doing this to us. Its mother nature. Its a natural disaster. God has NOTHING to do with it. On the hand God is mommy and daddy's love surrounding you. God is all of arms together protecting each other. God is the love we have and the strength we have.

THAT is God.

not the hurricane. But the love and protection they gave each other. THAT is god.

As far as your faith. Keep your faith. Keep your love of God. God is you writing this story and getting strength from others. Your dad isn't to blame. God isn't to blame. Mother nature took its course and God had NOTHING to do with that.

God is us telling you that you have support and love. God is your husband standing by your side. God is the love your daughter has when she just LOOKS at you.

THAT is my god, and I know its your God too.