Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

Here's the scenario:

I live in Brooklyn, parents live in Suffolk. I can really only see the family on the weekend and it's been a few weeks since DH and I were there. At the beginning of our marriage we got pressure from them (my parents and sister) to come out more often. So I in turn put the pressure on DH. He finally agreed to make an effort to see them more often.

Now, we go out to visit them. I let them know that we might be stopping by on Sunday. We get to the house in the afternoon and my sister and her BF go to the movies (at 5 PM mind you). So I am annoyed. I get all this pressure to spend time with the family and then she blows us off to go to the movies. My mother said that plans weren't definate so I can't expect her (sister) to sit around and wait for me.

So I said well then I guess I just won't go out of my way for her anymore.

I mean, if she showed up at my house I wouldn't be like "well Rich and I planned to go to the mall, see you later". No, I would stay and spend time with her.

Am I wrong for being annoyed??? I am trying so hard to balance two families and then I just get it thrown in my face.

I am not saying that my family has to drop everything when I come around. If she had something important to do like a party I wouldn't care. Or even if she was already out I wouldn't care. But is it really that important for her to go to a movie over spending time with me, especially since she put so much pressure on me in the beginning?? I just try so hard to make everyone happy, but only when it's convenient for them I guess.

If you think I'm overreacting be easy on me.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

how old is she?
if she's late teens, early 20s, its typical. Trust me.

I have 2 of them
(eta: siblings that feel they're so important - a 16 yr old brother, and a 21 yr old sister. Sister is far worse!)

Message edited 9/27/2006 11:21:24 AM.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

I would be annoyed but would ignore any pressure from her in the future. It seems like it wasn't that important to her to spend time with you, so go when it is convenient for your parents.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

I definitely hear what you're saying. But your sis probably doesn't realize the connection. She wanted to point a finger at you, but doesn't want to go out of her way, because it's soooo important for her to go to the movies. I would be really annoyed and upset too.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

I don't think you're overreacting, I think you're right. It's not like she had a party to go to, like you said. It was a movie. Go next weekend, go during the week. You trekked in from Brooklyn, why can't she see you? Why can't she go to the movies when you leave?

I completely understand your reaction and it feels a little like (don't mean to sound harsh) they're punishing you for not coming out enough. Your sister takes off and your mom defends her.

Why can't they every once in a while come in and see you?

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

i agree with you, and i don't think you're overreacting at all. my mom lives in SI and sometimes lays the guilt trip on me that i don't' come see her enough, and that she misses her grandaughters...so if i made the effort to go over there, and got blown off by her, or a sibling, i'd be pizzed too. what i would do is nicely suggest that THEY come and visit YOU for a change. you'll see how quickly the pressure eases up once the traveling is on the other foot, so to speak.
good luck

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

I agree with the above posters. I don't think you're overreacting at all! It's not like she had someplace to go, she could have gone to the movies at another time. It does sound like they have higher expectations from you and were upset that you didn't come when they wanted you to.

I would do the best you can to accomodate them. You can't make everyone happy. The most important people are you and DH. You have to make yourselves happy first.

I would invite them in where you are every once in a while.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

i get ALOT of pressure to visit

and its very hard to balance my family, his family and alone time

and when i was home last time my family was away and i ended up at my parents house by myself

its annoying but it is what it is

you are probably better off inviting them to see you ahead of time

anyway, i know the presure- i feel it often, and it bothers me too.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

Thanks ladies.....my mother was making me feel like I was completely wrong.

Good to know I'm not losing my mind.

Re: Need Your Opinion...kinda long...

Posted by Shorty

how old is she?
if she's late teens, early 20s, its typical. Trust me.

I have 2 of them
(eta: siblings that feel they're so important - a 16 yr old brother, and a 21 yr old sister. Sister is far worse!)