not sure whats the right thing to do

My daughters dont know that my stepdad isnt my biological father
my biological father died when I was 3 but he left my mother before I was born and I think he only met me a handful of times and my "DAD" has been my Dad since I was 3 years old and I forgot that he wasnt my biological Dad and then was told when I was older and it broke my heart so I never want to tell my children that he isnt my Dad but I also dont want to lie to them
they ARE very close with my Dad and I think this would crush my oldest daughter if she found out

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

I believe that if you consider your stepdad your dad, then your children should as well especially since they are close to him. You are not really lying since he has been there for you since you were a little girl.

Message edited 6/4/2006 11:40:57 PM.

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

How old are your daughters?
Do you think you can wait to tell them until they are old enough to understand? Because I think when they can understand that it will not change how much your daughters love him!

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

Why tell them? You consider this man your Father. He raised you, loves you, and has been there for you throughout your whole life. He is your Dad.

I think you need to take the lead on this one and just say he is my Father and that's that.

What I mean to say is if your children sense you feeling weird or whatever because he is not your biological father, they will sense that.

I am not sure if I am explaining myself correctly. I just think if this man raised you and loved you, he is your father whether or not he is your biological Dad.

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

I think they would understand.

You can explain that your real daddy went to Heaven (if this is your belief) and that your stepdad was wonderful and became your daddy and you are so lucky to have him. You can explain that even if someone is not your "real" daddy, if he loves you (like you love your daughters) he can become a daddy.

I think they could more "shocked" if you tell them when they are older vs. you can explain now and they will fully understand later.

Message edited 6/5/2006 1:32:13 AM.

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

But he IS your father. Biological or not, he's been your father for basically your whole life. I don't see why your girls need to know any different. Then when they are grown, like much older, if you still feel you need to tell them, then go ahead. I do not really think a child can understand that. Especially if you are making the distinction of saying he is not "really" your father. THAT will confuse them because you would be telling them that he isn't your father, but he is. Get what I'm saying? I just think it's too confusing for little kids to understand.

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

I dont think I feel a "NEED" to tell them but I just worry if they find out from someone else I dont want them to feel like I have been lieing to them their whole life

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

I don't know that you need to tell them, but I also don't know what the big deal is.

Why do you think your daghter will be crushed? He's still her grandpa, he still loves her. If you think they'll find out some other way, then definitely tell them now, explain that your dad died and this is your stepdad.of course its going to rbing up a lot of questions...but I am NOT a fan of the wait until their older approach. I know this is not the same thing, but I found out I was adopted at 15 from someone else, and it was devastating. If you think it really would be an issue, then tell them, but I don't think you need to. He is their *real* grandpa.

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

well I just remember how I felt when I found Out that he wasnt my biological father and I was devastated I felt like I had been lied to my whole life (even though they say I knew he wasnt but I was only 3)
I just dont want my kids to feel this way.....As of right now I think I will just leave it alone
Last night I was so emotional I think that is why I was thinking about this so much
But thanks for all your opinions and support
love you girls

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

I think it's a lot different with a parent than with a grandparent.

If you feel the need to tell them, then tell them and tell them you idnt tell them earlier because you completely thinkof him as your father, so it didn't even come to your mind, but you still want them to knoiw

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

We've eased in "grandpa in heaven" into our kids lives. DH's parents were divorced when he was young. His mom remarried. His dad was very active in his life up until his death when DH was 17.

Since we've always referred to his stepdad as "Grandpa", they didn't know anything about DH's dad. So I introduced Grandpa's day (which was his birthday). I explained that they have 3 grandpas - my dad, grandpa from FL & daddy's daddy who is in heaven.

I know the circumstances are different with your family but maybe you could start with on Father's Day - talking about how your dad (real, not biological) was the best dad. When your parents split up, Grandpa married your mom & took care of you, etc.

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do

I agree. My grnadmother got re married before I was born and her husband was ALWAYS my grandfather. I never really had anything to do with my biological grandfather.My son is actually named after my poppy (grandmothers 2nd husband)

Re: not sure whats the right thing to do