Oh my gosh, does anyone read this blog???

DOOCE

I am hysterical laughing. At work! I'm trying to contain myself but it's too friggin funny.

I used to read it months ago and realized she was pregnant and due over the summer so I went back to read her old posts about her new baby.

I just have to post some quotes from her blog posts that i've been reading today:

And then, after pleading endlessly, "Come on, baby girl, you can do it! You can smile! Smile for me!" my mother paused for maybe a half second to catch her breath when suddenly the sides of Marlo's mouth turned up almost unnoticeably. Everyone in the room gasped, and my mother raised her fist to pump it in the air only to have Marlo sh*t her pants so violently that poo started leaking out the sides of her diaper onto my mother's pants. It was a poop smile. The Avon World Sales Leader elicited a poop smile.



Any breastfeeding mother knows exactly where this is going. Because, oh my god, was that one of the dumbest mistakes I have ever made as a mother. And that night Marlo had one hell of a time processing all that fiber or whatever it is about beans that gives you gas. It was one of the most sleepless nights we've had since her birth, full of toots and poots and all the moaning that goes with trying to push it out. I mean, she's a loud baby anyway. Throw in that amount of farting and it sounded like a trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba.


when suddenly my cramps become a bit more noticeable. Before there were all, hi! I'm a cramp! Nice to meet you! And then suddenly they're all HELLO. I AM HERE. DO YOU LIKE MY FANCY BLOUSE?

Not three minutes after taking that sleeping pill I get hit with a contraction that knocks me to the ground. TO. THE. GROUND. Those cramps go from NO, REALLY, I GOT THIS BLOUSE ON SALE! to MOTHERF****NG SNAKES ON A MOTHERF****NG PLANE!!!!!!!!!!


Fortunately for all the patrons browsing the produce section I had remembered to insert absorbent breast pads in my bra, because I could have spray painted the walls a slightly yellowish shade of white with the fire hose of liquid that dropped into my boobs so forcibly that I almost fell face-first on the floor.

Re: Oh my gosh, does anyone read this blog???

"Throw in that amount of farting and it sounded like a trombone being raped repeatedly by a tuba"

Re: Oh my gosh, does anyone read this blog???

I've been reading her blog for about a year now. Soo funny!

When she first started Monetizing the Hate I liked it but I'm not so into it anymore.