Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Feel free to say yes if you feel like I am

As I have posted before, my in laws are nutty. And my MIL wants to come visit after the baby is born. So, my MIL lives in Florida and refuses to fly by herself, and her girlfriend probably can't get off of work, so her and SIL came up with this cockeyed plan where she would fly from Tampa to Baltimore and they'd drive here (I live on Staten Island, so it is about 2.5-3 hours)....here comes the control freak part: They don't want to pick a weekend to come.

I am a planner and I'd like to have a ballpark estimate of when I will have vistors. I am due May 3rd, my doctor told me that she wouldn't let me go more than a week late. So, that is May 10th. We are allegedly moving on June 1st, so I tell SIL yesterday if they are really thinking of coming, can they come around the weekend of May 19th or so? Now they are acting like I am make unreasonable demands on them. MIL asked DH last night (over IM, god forbid anyone CALL each other in that family) if I really wanted them to come at all and if I really only wanted my family around, she'd wait til we could come to Florida.

Am I asking too much? I feel like between having to move and I am trying to fit in a visit with one of my best friends who is moving to Sicily with her kids and husband in June and trying to accomodate these loonies I am going to just lock the door and tell everyone to go away

Thanks for the input and the advice

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

OMG Kate you are a saint, seriously.

You are NOT being a control freak!! I wouldn't ask when they are coming - I would give them one or two weekends to chose from and tell them you will be very bogged down between the baby AND moving (God bless you!!) so they need to let you know which of the 2 weekends they would like to come. Or they can put it off until after you are moved in and settled.

The nerve, honestly!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

IMo .. i would just let them come they are family and they want to see their grandchild/niece/nephew. tell them they may have to stay somewhere else.. but you really can not tell people when they can visit.. As much as it makes you crazy.. they are family and they are your Dh family.. like it or not .. you knew this when you got married....I think it is great idea for them to drive.. this way they can leave when they want and you do not have to worry about the airport..etc...

My Entire family.. mine and Dh came to the hospital to see DD when she was born . It was nice to see my family

Let your MIl fly up to baltimore around your due date and when you give birth let them drive too see you in the hospital.... You can not really "plan " when people are going to see the baby esp family...


You are going to want tthe family around they may even be a help and you can get breather....

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....


let me share a story and you will feel so much better.


the morning i was to come home from the hospital from having DD, my mother and her other grandmother were both in the room. "other" says "I will call you later and see how you are feeling and maybe come over." [i had not even needed the advil they'd been pushing on me, so for the most part, i felt amazing] I say, "sure, just call first, i might be too tired by this afternoon."

jump ahead to that afternoon:
I AM EXHAUSTED. I hadn't slept too well in the hospital and it caught up to me even though DD was just sleeping. So I asked her father to please tell his mother when she called that I was too tired and actually asleep and so was the baby [which was actually true, we were out cold when she called]. Unfortunately, he took a shower and she called. She didn't wait until she got in touch with anyone, she jsut drove over and then had a "yelling" match with him as he refused to let her in our apt.

They didn't speak for about 5 weeks over this, but she would speak to me.


The truth of the matter is: I just didn't feel like visitors that day, I was tired, just had a baby and wanted to settle back into my life a little.

You are NOT being a control freak. This is a hectic [although beautiful] time in your life...control what you can [visitors/visits, hours they come...] as really, from the moment you go into labor, you lose all control you once had.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Message edited 3/22/2007 7:37:40 AM.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Message edited 3/22/2007 7:33:17 AM.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

A birth is of a child is a celebration.. not a time to get people angry and annoyed at you....

This is why I say it is nice to have people around.,....
The day we came home from the hospital my inlaws called and asked us if we wanted them to come over.. I am so glad they did.. Dh and I were so tired that the MIl took DD and rocked her to sleep while Dha nd I took a nap and FIl made dinner...We had a horrible first night becasue DD was severly Jaundice and we actually ended up back in the hospital the next day.. she crfied all night.. i was trying to breastfeed and finally at 3 in the morning i was sterilizing bottles and giving her formulka that I had gotten for free from similac and she finally quieted down . And then the following weekend my parents came to stay for the whole wekend.. it was nice to have people clean for you

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

I would let them know that they come earlier if they please but they will need to make arrangements to stay someone where else because you will have boxes everywhere and you do not want them to feel like they are in the middle of a box war.
If they do not like the idea of staying somewhere then I would give them the days you are comfortable with having guests. I don't think they should be the one's telling you when they are coming.

ETS: When I delivered my son I had a great delivery and felt great just was so emotional it was horrible. I cried everytime I saw a picture of him even though he was sleeping in the nursey (hospital and home). I new people had wanted to come by the day we got home so I waited about hour to call them from when we got home that way it gave us a little more time to get settled in. I love company and really thought I would be ok with everyone (everyone was 14-16 people) being their. DS took 45 minutes to feed each time as I was bf in his room because it was quiet and eating every 90 minutes. They really didn't get to see him much which I felt bad about. I felt very overwhelmed by company.

Every parent is going to have their own story on how they feel and you do not know how it will go until the baby comes unfortuntaley.

Message edited 3/22/2007 8:03:26 AM.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

As long as they are not staying with you, it shouldn't be a big deal. You'll have just had a baby---- it is NOT your responsibility to make sure the house is all pretty and cook meals to entertain them. They are coming to see the baby....let them come, and order in.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

wow. i thought my IL's were bad. god bless you for the way you are handling this. to say they are not coming on a weekend is stupid and inconsiderate to everyone.

i would have dh tell them what dates work for you two and if they don't work for them, oh well.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Whaaaat?

No WAY!

Everyone needs to know when they are having guests even if they are not friggin pregnant and moving! That is absolutely ridiculous!!!!

You are in NO way being a control freak!!!!

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

I have BTDT. My parents came for Thanksgiving. DD was born 11/10 (6 days after my due date.) They had their trip planned & booked for awhile. You are definitely not a control freak. They need to understand that you do want them to come (sorta) but need an exact date so that you can be ready for them, etc. It is just rude and completely inconsiderate as well as disrespectful to plan a trip like that to visit a new mom & newborn. I'm not sure if they said this, but I assume they are staying with you too, right?

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

I don't think you can tell them when to come. It's their grandchild and they are excited. While I can appreciate wanting to see your friend before she moves and that you are moving and all the stress that goes along with that, I don't think it's right to tell a grandparent they can't see their grandchild. This is coming from someone who hates - and yes I realize that's a strong word - my MIL.

I do think you can tell them they can't stay with you. IMO it's important that you get into a routine and get used to caring for your child, since there isn't always going to be someone around to help.

When my first child was born, my ILs came up for a month. They stayed part of the time with us, and part of the time with BIL. They insisted on coming over everyday. My MIL told me that I did EVERYTHING wrong. I mean literally everything. I was stressed, Sarah was crying all the time. I finally tossed them out of the house and said that I needed a break. IT HAS FOREVER CHANGED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH DH AS WELL AS HIS PARENTS. I should have handled it better, I should have gotten DH involved since they are his parents and he wants them in our lives right now. I don't agree, it's the only thing we argue about, but at the end of the day I want to be with my DH so I have to accept them.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

To answer a couple of questions, I am not telling anyone they can't see their grandchild, I am just trying to nail down a date for them to see him.

And secondly, yes, they would stay with us. And if MIL flies to NY or into Newark (we are on SI) we would have to get her, meaning I would have to get her if she flies in anytime in the evening.

I completely and totally understand that they want to help, don't get me wrong, I just don't understand why they can't pick a date. What happened when my neice was born was that they waited, paid an arm and a leg for a flight and then complained about that the entire time.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Just tell them that you want them to come and visit, but you also have other family friends that want to visit also. Since you are moving shortly after the birth, you want to try to limit the number of guests staying with you at one time. Say you are not trying to discourage them from coming, but knowing the weekend they are coming would be really helpful to you.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Many of the points I wanted to make are above. They do need to pick a date and stick to it. I also believe that it's DH that needs to put his foot down. It's his family. Tell him to grow some balls.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

I think it also depends on how "helpful" they will be around the house and witht he baby. If it means you will be able to hand the baby over and get some rest, great. That is not how it would be in my situation so I am imagining the older MIL way -- my mom is 76 and MIL is 80. They would NOT be a help around the house.

Either way, I would want to know when they are coming.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

Have DH tell them of course you want them to come and meet their grandchild. Explain that are stressed because you will also be moving, have a newborn etc. and it would be helpful to you if they can come around the 19th... maybe this way they "feel like they're helping and also feel welcome".... also let them know, they'll prob get better airfare if they book their flight now instead of waiting for the last minute.

its an emotional time for everyone - just remember its happy emotions i hope this helps.

eta: while they are there, you can ask for help either by letting them watch baby or helping you pack etc.

Message edited 3/22/2007 10:26:31 AM.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

How unreasonable THEY are being! I can't believe they want to come into your home with a new baby without it being planned!

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

I don't think you are. I would be the same way.

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

I don't think you are being a control freak at all! I think it would be common curtesy for them to tell you when they are planning to come in advance whether or not you have a newborn - the fact that you will have a new baby and with everything going on - insane!

Re: Ok, Am I being a Control Freak?-LONG

My inlaws drove up as soon as my first baby was born and it was disasterous. I mean, disastrous. I will not allow that to happen again. SO not only am I finding out when they are coming, but I am actually telling them when they can come. ( Not exact days or anything, but ballpark....Baby has to be 4 weeks before I can deal with my in-laws. Of course they will be staying in my house.) So I guess I am the control freak!