Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

So I was at my SIL's (DH's sister) for a birthday party this past weekend. It was just me, my cousin and my 11 year old nephew hanging out in the backyard. Now mind you, my nephew (sils son) is EXTREMELY bright for his age and very inquisitive, however sometimes he can be downright nervy.

So all of a sudden he asks,
"Auntie Kathleen so what made you try again so soon after what happened. Its like Liam died and "poof" you are pregnant again?" This was me and my cousin . I was so shaken up but my cousin answered that I was so brokenhearted and had so much love for my son we still wanted a family. I didn't know whether I was going to cry or scream. Luckily, I calmed down rather quickly as I didn't want it to ruin my day. What gets me is that I have noticed this kid to ask VERY inappropriate questions before to adults before and his parents just say he is being "frank" . He rubs A LOT of people (both children and adults) the wrong way.

What got me the most is that he used that word "try again". Trying is very personal and touchy and he should not even have the ballz to say that to his aunt 25 years his senior. He obviously knows about the birds and the bees and I felt that was out of line. I was in such shock but I am thinking of perhaps mentioning it to his mother or maybe having a talk with him about boundaries when I see him again (cause he no doubt WILL have another inappropriate question to ask again ) I was raised so differently and neither I or my siblings would ever DARE to ask such things. Am I alone on this?

Am I overeacting or should I let it go?
Thanks so listening to this vent if you made it thus far.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I would probably just let it go. I am not entirely sure that he is coming up with this type of conversation on his own, he is probably repeating what he overhears in his parents conversations. I had a cousin of mine when we were much younger ask my godmother why she didn't have any children and I don't think she would have asked if she didn't hear her mother talking about it in front of her. Sorry that you had to go through that.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I'm sorry - that's upsetting

Honestly though - I feel like he was repeating a conversation he heard. What 11 yr old refers to TTC as "try again"?

Personally, I don't think you should approach him on it now, but if he does it again, I would respond with something like, "that's a very personal question buddy" and make sure his parents hear so they can be sure to explain to him why it's inappropriate.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

oh my god. that is CRAZY!!!

i understand parents talking to children and explaining things to them realistically because they're kids and ALWAYS have questions, but parents should also say something like "but we don't talk about these things in front of other people because it might upset them or hurt their feelings" - maybe it's because i'm a teacher and i have these talks daily with the kids, but...holy cow!!

i am SO sorry that your nephew upset you with his questions. i agree that it was totally inappropriate

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

it's one thing for a child to be "frank" and another to think he/she is "on par" with adults to have an adult conversation.

I have always been the way I am...I speak "frankly" and say whatever jibberish is running through my head.

but you best believe when I misspoke or was out of line with adults, my parents took me to task.

as did my aunts and uncles.

DEFINITELY address that with your nephew next time. it's normal, especially if he's bright to have his brain working and thinking like this, but he has to be taught when and where and WHO to ask these things to.

a bright mind and inquisitive nature is to be celebrated, but it must be also matched with reverence and respect, especially for ones elders, and MOST especially considering the subject matter.

I loved your cousins response, btw.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Posted by SweetCaroline

I'm sorry - that's upsetting

Honestly though - I feel like he was repeating a conversation he heard. What 11 yr old refers to TTC as "try again"?

Personally, I don't think you should approach him on it now, but if he does it again, I would respond with something like, "that's a very personal question buddy" and make sure his parents hear so they can be sure to explain to him why it's inappropriate.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Posted by kathleeng

So I was at my SIL's (DH's sister) for a birthday party this past weekend. It was just me, my cousin and my 11 year old nephew hanging out in the backyard. Now mind you, my nephew (sils son) is EXTREMELY bright for his age and very inquisitive, however sometimes he can be downright nervy.

So all of a sudden he asks,
"Auntie Kathleen so what made you try again so soon after what happened. Its like Liam died and "poof" you are pregnant again?" This was me and my cousin . I was so shaken up but my cousin answered that I was so brokenhearted and had so much love for my son we still wanted a family. I didn't know whether I was going to cry or scream. Luckily, I calmed down rather quickly as I didn't want it to ruin my day. What gets me is that I have noticed this kid to ask VERY inappropriate questions before to adults before and his parents just say he is being "frank" . He rubs A LOT of people (both children and adults) the wrong way.

What got me the most is that he used that word "try again". Trying is very personal and touchy and he should not even have the ballz to say that to his aunt 25 years his senior. He obviously knows about the birds and the bees and I felt that was out of line. I was in such shock but I am thinking of perhaps mentioning it to his mother or maybe having a talk with him about boundaries when I see him again (cause he no doubt WILL have another inappropriate question to ask again ) I was raised so differently and neither I or my siblings would ever DARE to ask such things. Am I alone on this?

Am I overeacting or should I let it go?
Thanks so listening to this vent if you made it thus far.

Message edited 8/18/2009 1:37:02 PM.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

is he one of those kids thats so smart the parents just let them say whatever they want and think its cute?

u should be upset. sounds like he over heard his parents talking about your situation and he's repeating it in his own way.

i think if he asks something like this again, he should be told otherwise.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Posted by Ophelia

it's one thing for a child to be "frank" and another to think he/she is "on par" with adults to have an adult conversation.

I have always been the way I am...I speak "frankly" and say whatever jibberish is running through my head.

but you best believe when I misspoke or was out of line with adults, my parents took me to task.

as did my aunts and uncles.

DEFINITELY address that with your nephew next time. it's normal, especially if he's bright to have his brain working and thinking like this, but he has to be taught when and where and WHO to ask these things to.

a bright mind and inquisitive nature is to be celebrated, but it must be also matched with reverence and respect, especially for ones elders, and MOST especially considering the subject matter.

I loved your cousins response, btw.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I know its upsetting, but children don't have the tools to be socially correct. He's just trying to piece the world around him and just hasn't caught on to what appropriate is.
I agree he could have overheard something, but twisted up completely by his limited understanding.

It sounds innocent to me.

But I don't think it would be wrong to gently explain to him that his words are painful to you. Do it right after it occurs so that the thoughts are fresh in his mind.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I'm sorry you had to endure such an inapropriate question from a child. It does sound like a repeated conversation.

I can relate. In the past year, I miscarried at 12 weeks, then right away again at 9 weeks. DH's nephew (9 years old) knew I was pregnant the first time. After I lost the baby, my SIL (who I do not get along with) told him that my doctor made a mistake and I really wasn't pregnant. I was horrified that she would say something as insensitive as an explanation, b/c then he started saying things to me every time I saw him, like, "remember when you thought you were pregnant and you really weren't?" And my SIL would just sit there smirking about it. It was too much. Hard enough dealing with 2 miscarriages, then having to deal with insensitive IL's?

So after like the 30th time of him saying that to me, I finally told him that the doctor wasn't wrong, I was pregnant, but sometimes things happen, and not every baby gets to be born. (Which was ridiculous that I even had to explain myself to a 9 year old in the first place.) He must've gone back to my SIL and told her, b/c the next time I saw him, it was like 20 questions all over again. He was like, "Were you mad when the doctor lied to you?" And I was like, "The doctor did not lie", while gritting my teeth. This was only a month or so ago, and I'm 26 weeks pregnant, so finally have a bump, and he was like, "Now you're pregnant."

So after all of that, I just don't even entertain any discussions about it. It's my business, and I won't let my SIL trivialize what I've been through.

(Sorry that was so long)

Message edited 8/18/2009 1:47:33 PM.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Thanks everyone for the kind responses.

Another quick story to illustrate this boy's frankness:
My cousin is getting ready to leave and my SIL asks my nephew to not forget to thank her for her great gift (a toys r us gift card).

My nephews response: "Well, I don't know if it was a great gift, I mean it was okay Yah now it was a little young (meaning for a younger kid). His mother kinda sorta corrected him but she really wasn't that fazed. My mom, on the other hand, would have given me a good whack and insisted we spend the gift on a child less fortunate.
I would have been MORTIFIED if this was my child.

On a funnier note, I told my dad what happened, and my dad, always the comedien, insisted he come to the next family gathering. My dad was like, "I can't wait J (my nephew) will come up to me and say "Jesus Christ Vincent, you are one old looking f*ck!!!"

At least I can always count on my family for comic releif.

Message edited 8/18/2009 2:00:36 PM.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I am so sorry you experienced that. I would have an honest conversation with the kid's parents. You can tell them it made you uncomfortable, and ask them if it's ok with them if you talk to their son about it and tell him you thought it was in appropriate and why. The parents might want to raise it with him and send him to you for an apology. I'd give them a chance to do deal with their kid's actions before addressing it with the kid directly myself.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I would say something to your SIL. She needs to know that the comment he made was extremely inappropriate. I don't like when kids try toact much older then they are and try to have adults conversations. I don't think it is cute at all. I would never ever ask an adult anything like that as a child. My parents would of killed me.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Posted by SweetCaroline

I'm sorry - that's upsetting

Honestly though - I feel like he was repeating a conversation he heard. What 11 yr old refers to TTC as "try again"?

Personally, I don't think you should approach him on it now, but if he does it again, I would respond with something like, "that's a very personal question buddy" and make sure his parents hear so they can be sure to explain to him why it's inappropriate.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I would def. say something to his mother. Children need to be put in their place! They also need to be taught empathy which so many parents do not teach them or point out to them. They think its cute when kids say something inappropriate.........NOPE it's not! And it makes me want to find a big kid to beat your little smart ***' butt.

My cousin allows her son to act like that and last time they visited it was so hard not to knock him into a wall.......the funny thing is she wonders why her child is an outcast.....HELLO b/c he is not normal and is very morbid and obnoxious that nobody wants to be around him.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

That kind of phrasing makes me think he must have heard his parents talking about it. I would definitely talk to his mother and ask her to have a discussion with him about privacy and asking questions like that. It's one thing for him to ask when you're alone with him, it's quite another to ask in front of another person. It seems like it doesn't matter who was present, he would have asked the question anyway.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I agree with SweetCaroline in terms of your nephew "parroting"... it seems to me that he in fact overheard a conversation that perhaps his parents (or grandparents, etc.) had with him in ear-shot... or perhaps with him in front of them. Simply because "try again" is too mature of a concept for an 11 year old to know... even if he is a bright boy.

I wouldn't speak with your nephew about that particular statement, but I would (with DH - if he's up for it) approach your ILs about your nephews tendency to be a little too "frank".
As for you nephew - if he does something as insensitive or inappropriate as he has, I would respond at that time.

IDK... as a teacher, children of his age, need to be taught boundaries, even if it isn't done by his parents... in the end, if you speak with your nephew, perhaps he will understand that he needs to mind his "Ps and Qs" with you.

This is just my opinion though.

I am sorry that you had to hear such insensitive remarks! I wish you nothing but happiness.
On top of it all, you and DH will always know that your son has a guardian angel by his side.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I am so sorry you had to deal with this, but I would let it go because I think your cousin addressed it with him appropriately. If you are really bothered, which I would imagine that you are, call SIL and talk to her about it. I would not address him because that might cause this to blow up and it will be longer that you have to deal with the whole situation.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

This is an issue of boundaries. If this kid is so bright, he would know that frankness is rude when it comes to certain issues. I am not above telling a kid At any age when he is asking inappropriate questions. I would have said right then and there that what he asked was hurtful and not his place to ask that of an adult who suffered an unbelievable loss. I would also be frank back and make it crystal clear that this topic is never to be brought up again. If his parents don't like it, eff them. If they are going to allow or excuse this behavior then they have to accept the consequences. Not everyone finds that behavior impressive or charming!

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

I also think he was repeating something he heard another adult say - about "trying again".

I agree that it is inappropriate and I think your cousin handled it well. I will tell you that I know a young man with aspergers, and knowing a little bit about his social skills and interactions, I can see a child like this saying something similar without any prompting from an adult, and also not understanding why it is inappropriate. I may be totally off the mark, but I have seen this child's parents try to explain why certain things are not appropriate to say or do, and it is very challenging.

In your case, if it is just that your nephew is rude, I would talk to him directly. At 11 years old, they do get it, IMO, and if the mother isn't doing anything about it now, she's probably not going to start for you.

Message edited 8/19/2009 10:32:15 AM.

Re: Okay we all know about adults saying inappropriate things but what of children??

imo i would say something to his parents..
on another note, i have just gotten back on this board a few weeks ago (we were also on the board together in 08) and had NO IDEA you were expecting!!!! I am SOOOOOO beyond excited for you and so happy for you and your dh..Congratulations!!!!!!!!! What a beautiful lil miracle!