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chelle
It's a Good Life
Member since 8/06 15404 total posts
Name:
Isn't it obvious?
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Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
DH decided to spring on me last night that he invited his mother to stay with us after the baby is born (he did not say for how long).
We have 9 days to go.
Now, he never even discussed this with me. Didn't even ask if I would mind. Granted, I love his mother to death... but don't you feel as though those first days home are for the 3 of you to get adjusted and get to know one another? We're going to have tons of visitors at the hospital... I just want to be alone when I first get home.
And it's not about needing help...because my parents live 1 minute away. If anything... I want MY mom with me. Not my mother-in-law, no offense.
I just don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home when we first get home. I'm not good with "visitors" to begin with and I can't imagine what this is all going to be like.
Do you rhink I'm wrong for wanting that time to be "ours"?
He seemed to take great offense that I didn't want his mother to stay
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Posted 5/26/07 10:53 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
No, I think you are totallly right. You will exhausted from the delivery, BF, etc... I think the first 2 weeks should only be you, DH and baby.
Men do not understand that the last thing we are going to want to do is "entertaining" people. I know it's always, "she won't be trouble", "she will help you out"... but the bottom line, you have someone in your house and you cannot rest.
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| Posted 5/26/07 10:58 AM |
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chelle
It's a Good Life
Member since 8/06 15404 total posts
Name:
Isn't it obvious?
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
The problem is, I don't know how to say "no" without them both taking it personally!! 
But I feel like MY feelings were violated by him (them) just assuming it would be all right for her to stay.
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:00 AM |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Oh man, I feel you. My MIL wanted to come right away, but luckily she couldn't get out of work, so she came when DS was 3 weeks old.
Can you just ask that they push it back a couple of weeks? Say that you don't know how you are going to handle everything with a guest in the house and that you'd like to be able to be more settled before you have visitors.
That is SUCH a man thing to do!!
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:04 AM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
You definitely have the right to be annoyed!!!
Men just don't get it!! Anyone staying in the house is always more work for the WOMAN! Not that your MIL would intentionally create more work, but I know when I have guests - you go crazy cleaning, cooking, food shopping. You have to be "on" 24/7 when you have guests - and who the heck wants to do that after giving birth??
Definitely try to push it back a few weeks. Is your DH able to stay home with you the first few days? If so, I would totally play up that angle - like it doesn't pay to have 2 people with you 24/7, but after DH goes back to work, you would love for her to stay.
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:14 AM |
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MrsBumbleb
it's me
Member since 5/05 11234 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
I felt the same way and told DH. My mom came for a night or two afterwards because of medical complications I had but otherwise I wanted to just bond the three of us. My MIL came for a few days after my mom but didn't stay overnight, which I didn't mind.
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:17 AM |
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Binxyboys
LIF Infant
Member since 10/06 237 total posts
Name:
~J~
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
WOW!! I would feel the same way you do. He didn't even ask you beforehand?? I would be fuming
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:44 AM |
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MrsBlueSash
Love my sailor
Member since 6/05 5793 total posts
Name:
Christian
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
I understand both points of view, you want your mother, he wants his, you are both equally the new parents. I think the late notice is more of an issue than your MIL being there. Maybe she can stay at your folks since they are so close, that way the grandmas are in place and you have your space. Just an idea.
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:46 AM |
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Palebride
I am an amazing bakist
Member since 5/05 13673 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Can you say that you appreciate the offer for help, but you'd like to see how you feel after giving birth before making a decision about visitors being there right away?
And then, after the birth, decide that you're not up for visitors just yet 
That way - you're not saying "no" right away....but you have that option.....
(and he was totally wrong for doing this without speaking to you about it first)
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| Posted 5/26/07 11:58 AM |
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chelle
It's a Good Life
Member since 8/06 15404 total posts
Name:
Isn't it obvious?
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Posted by Palebride
Can you say that you appreciate the offer for help, but you'd like to see how you feel after giving birth before making a decision about visitors being there right away?
And then, after the birth, decide that you're not up for visitors just yet
Oh I did! I made my feelings clear just before. We talked about it and he's going to tell her not right away.
I just don't understand how we're supposed to "know" how we're going to be after this. I said... "I'm the one that just gave birth... can I have a say as to how I want to be when I come home?"
He still doesn't really "get it", but I said my peace as best I could and I hope he understands without getting offended, his mom too. It's not that I don't appreciate it, or the help... but I just want to be "me" when I come home. I don't want to have to worry about a 4th party in my house while I'm trying to get used to our new baby!
And the role of "helping" should be his role, no?
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| Posted 5/26/07 12:06 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
I dont think your wrong at all. I would be upset. I dont like Visitors that stay too much either. It DOES make you uncomfortable.
I think the help will be great, but that the fact that shes there and your uncomfortable might overlay the help being given and just not a good situation. 
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| Posted 5/26/07 12:08 PM |
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bayla
Love my two kiddos :)
Member since 8/06 7178 total posts
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
i totally agree that your not going to want too many people staying esp in the beginning. Try to maybe push it back a couple weeks if u just want it to be the 3 of you.
My mom is staying with us the first 3 or 4 days and truthfully i thought it was going to be to help cook, clean, etc. however when we were talking i realized she's under the assumption that its going to be to take care of the baby, meanwhile i am going to be breastfeding and wanting to bond with him and DH, so i had to let her know if shes going to stay i need her more to help out wherever needed so ME and DH can concentrate on the baby. My MIL and SIL are off all summer and i already know they are going to be by a lot to help, luckily they both are cleaning and cooking FREAKs, so DH's mom already said i can call her anytime and she would be more then OK helping out. I guess i will play everything by ear and just wing it all.
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| Posted 5/26/07 12:20 PM |
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Palebride
I am an amazing bakist
Member since 5/05 13673 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Posted by chelle
And the role of "helping" should be his role, no?
totally!!
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| Posted 5/26/07 12:31 PM |
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snuggleupagus
I'm a rolling machine.
Member since 9/06 2064 total posts
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Posted by smdl
No, I think you are totallly right. You will exhausted from the delivery, BF, etc... I think the first 2 weeks should only be you, DH and baby.
Men do not understand that the last thing we are going to want to do is "entertaining" people. I know it's always, "she won't be trouble", "she will help you out"... but the bottom line, you have someone in your house and you cannot rest.
Dead on.
As a BTDT mom, I can tell you that it's nice if someone comes over with food, stays for an hour or two and LEAVES...but those first few days really are hectic and tiring enough that you may NOT want anyone there other than DH and baby. I had this luxury with my first and it was amazing and perfect for ME, I knew in advance I would want time to develop a routine (see what hours the baby slept, ate, how laundry would work, how I was "healing" and what not). I personally agree with you and feel this is special time for our family, not extended family. I am glad that no one will be staying with us this time either because we get to bond, just the 4 of us.
I know some women revel in company that stays, but if you are already not great with visitors staying (I'm not either), then you need to express your desires/wishes NOW. It is a bit inappropriate of your DH to spring this on you...you have enough going on/about to go on, he should have been more considerate and asked...and if his mom just sprung it on him and he's really the messenger pretending to have planned this, well then, they both should've been more considerate. Do not worry about hurt feelings, if you feel you need this time alone, say so and be comfortable. Like you said, you don't want to feel uncomfortable in your own home right after giving birth.
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| Posted 5/26/07 12:34 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
I would be so mad at my DH. He needs to understand that this is a huge adjustment - not only to you - but to the both of you, and that you need to get used to it as a family - not with your MIL there. How far does she live? Does she have any friends/family nearby who she can stay with?
I am all for visitors - but not someone sleeping over who I will have to entertain and clean for. I would hope that your MIL would understand this also.
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| Posted 5/26/07 12:53 PM |
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Eleanor
LIF Adult
Member since 2/06 2223 total posts
Name:
Ellie
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
no way - its a very confusing time and you need to figure what works best for you. I agree with others that having visitors makes you do more work.
I even had my mom with us for the first one and she would knock on our door when she heard crying in the middle of the night - NEWBORNS CRY! and that was my own mother - no way MIL. And grandchildren changed my MIL. I used to love her, but now I can't stand her.
On the other hand, my friend had her mother stay with her. In the middle of the night when the baby would wake up, she would hand her to her mom and go back to sleep (she wasn't BFing though)
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| Posted 5/26/07 3:22 PM |
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KSJ1210
LIF Infant
Member since 7/05 259 total posts
Name:
shannon
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
I would be upset that he did not consult with you. But I can understand he is just excited and I am sure he wants to share this with his mother. I would talk to him and compromise maybe a week or so after you come home. You will need to get into your own routine. You may not even want your own mom there for a few days. It is so confusing and others add to the confusion even if they mean well.
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| Posted 5/26/07 5:54 PM |
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johnsae
Sip.
Member since 3/06 18677 total posts
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
You are right. He is wrong.
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| Posted 5/26/07 5:58 PM |
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
I knew I did NOT want anyone in the home for the 1st few days - especially since I had DH with me - I just wanted it to be the 3 of us getting to know the baby and taking care of him in peace and quiet - you are 100% right!!!
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| Posted 5/26/07 6:59 PM |
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alexlynn7
Big brother to be!
Member since 9/06 6314 total posts
Name:
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Posted by smdl
No, I think you are totallly right. You will exhausted from the delivery, BF, etc... I think the first 2 weeks should only be you, DH and baby.
Men do not understand that the last thing we are going to want to do is "entertaining" people. I know it's always, "she won't be trouble", "she will help you out"... but the bottom line, you have someone in your house and you cannot rest.
perfectly said, totally agree. anyone in my house besides my mother (and maybe my sister or brother) is a guest who i feel obligated to "entertain". and i don't think i will even want my own family over right after the birth, let alone my in-laws... 
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| Posted 5/26/07 7:17 PM |
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karacg
Babygirl is 4!
Member since 5/05 17076 total posts
Name:
Kara®
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Re: Opinions needed...(tiny vent)
Looks like you've taken care of it - good for you!! Suggest she come after DH goes back to work - that's when you may need a little help.
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| Posted 5/26/07 7:42 PM |
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