Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

I am seriously at a loss right now.

DH and I are Jewish and in the Jewish tradition, we will have a baby naming for .

To preface, our families do not get along.

DH's father is a cantor at a big temple on LI and he will be retiring next December. I guess we always assumed he would do Miss Bean's naming. My father flipped on me saying he wanted to have a naming at his temple and it is not fair that DH's parents always get their way. We had DH's aufruf (Jewish pre-wedding ceremony) at his father's temple, his father and his brother did our ceremony, MIL basically controlled our wedding and left my mom out of a lot, we go to most holidays at his parent's temple (and see my parents after). My father is upset because this is his first grandchild and he this is what he wants. Of course, I reminded him I am the mother and I will decide.

To keep peace, I suggested doing it at both temples to avoid conflict.

I am sick over this. I cannot spend the rest of my life in a tug of war between both sets of parents because we in the middle of it all. We already decided we aren't going to do Thanksgiving with either because neither parent learned the concept of sharing.

It is going to be so hard to raise a child with this animosity.

DH thinks it is absurd and my dad needs to understand that his dad is clergy and this is his last hurrah. He suggested we do a prayer for Miss Bean and something little after and the naming at his parents temple. I said just have her named at both, but I am sure we can't.

Sorry so long. I just see a lifetime of fighting and everyone making us sick.

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

I dont know much about the Jewish faith but is it acceptable that FIL do the naming ceremony at your parents temple?

Im sorry you are having so many issues before the baby is even here.

You and DH have to make both sets of parents know that your little Bean comes first and if they cant learn to compromise they are all going to miss out.

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

Mich - I'm sorry, sweets. I don't know what to say - I do see both sides - FIL is clergy but I totally understand your dad's POV esp since this is the first grandchild on that side! I know this is prob a no, but can you find out if FIL can assist in the ceremony at your dad's temple - sort of like a visiting clergy type of thing?

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

I would love if we could have FIL do it at my parent's temple, but they are at an orthodox temple and FIL is a reform/conservative rabbi.

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

sorry for what you are going through

when my sister and mom were planning my bridal shower, my MIL took it upon herself to try to invite the entire world. my sister and mom could not afford a shower for 100 people (seriously, mil wanted to invite a million peoplee, most I had no clue who they were).. my sister was sick over it. she wanted to keep the peace but it wasnt doable and my MIL wouldnt take no for an answer from my sister.

i had to step in and tell them it will be a certain way and thats it. i said point blank, i dont care who is mad, who feels "slighted" and i am not doing this to play favorites but I will not have family planning something for me and have it be a source of anger or resentment. it wasnt a wedding afterall it was a shower. i set a number that was doable for my mom and sister (since MIL wouldnt contribute) and that was that. after my list of people that i wanted there, mil got to invite the remaining number.

long story short, put your foot down. get them together and let them know that their "whining" for lack of a better word is really stressing you and DH and thats the last thing you need. do not feel bad, they just need a reality check, they need to see the bigger picture.

i hope it works out.

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

I have no words of wisdom as I get stuck between THREE sets of parents, so I feel your frustration, when it gets down to it, you and DH need to do what you feel is right for your little .

It will all work out in the end!

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

First of all, Mazel tov on the upcoming birth of your little girl
Although it will "hurt" your parents, I honestly understand where your FIL is coming from. Not only is this the birth and naming of his Granddaughter, but as the Cantor of the shul, this is HUGE!!! I can not even imagine not doing it at his temple. I really think your parents are not being "fair" in this case.
Once the baby is named, she is named. Doing it at both temples is sort of redundant and not necessary.

What you CAN do, however, is have it at a neutral location (like your home or a restaurant or a catering hall) and then have your FIL officiate. It should appease them both and at least neutralize them a bit

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

Posted by FelAndJon

What you CAN do, however, is have it at a neutral location (like your home or a restaurant or a catering hall) and then have your FIL officiate. It should appease them both and at least neutralize them a bit

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

Thanks everyone. I basically laid into my mother. I explained that this is a big deal because FIL is clergy and it means a lot to have FIL name his granddaughter at his temple.

I then said to my parents that my child will not be used as a pawn so either set of grandparents can slight the other. They need to learn to get along.

Basically, DH and I wanted to do it at FIL's temple. We thought it would be meaningful. We thought they could do a little something at my parent's temple in honor of her birth.

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

This is going to be very unpopular but it's based only on the detaisl you're sharing and my own experiences with stuff like this - It seems like your in-laws take over and you allow them to do it. For example, you say your MIL left your mom out of hte wedding planning. But it was YOUR wedding and as the bride, you should have taken control over the planning and said Hey, this is my mom and I want her to be involved. If you keep choosing your ILs over your parents, there will only be animosity and jealousy. Just because your FIL is clergy shouldn't necessarily mean he gets control over all religious events in the family.

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

I'm not familiar enough with the Jewish tradition, but based on what you've posted above, it's clear that you want your FIL to do this... what I'm thinking is this. As a "compromise" with your parents, is it fair to say that since your FIL is retiring soon, that this will be the last big event he'll officiate? Is that even possible?

Re: Our families are going to drive me to drink-VENT

Posted by LoveyQ

I'm not familiar enough with the Jewish tradition, but based on what you've posted above, it's clear that you want your FIL to do this... what I'm thinking is this. As a "compromise" with your parents, is it fair to say that since your FIL is retiring soon, that this will be the last big event he'll officiate? Is that even possible?