Personal question.... (LONG)

I thought this would be the best place to ask. I was having a conversation with a friend last night and we were talking about babies and about Connor. She asked me if we wanted another baby. Of course I said yes I want another one and my DH said it depends on finances. Of course this is when he's working again! We went into how I'm taking the BCP to control the Endo and how now that I'm taking BCP he's not careful at all anymore. He used to be EXTREMELY careful. Well, she asked if I was taking them like I should and I said most of the time. I might be late taking them or forget the night before and double up the next day, etc. I don't do it intentionally. I'm just busy and tired and I forget sometimes. Well, she says that well if and when you do want another baby I can just "conveniently forget" to take them around the time I'm suppose to ovulate and see if it happens? She said that it's not really going behind your DH's back, it's just forgetting to take your pill when you're suppose to? She said the chances of it actually happening are slim to none, but at least you'll have a little bit of a chance.

I didn't know how to respond to that. I know I forget or I'm late on taking the pill sometimes but it's not on purpose or anything? I guess there is a chance of getting PG. I highly doubt it though, but I guess there is. But I couldn't "forget" to take the pill on purpose during my fertile times of the month hoping to get pregnant. I would feel like I was betraying my DH you know? I know he has said he would love to have another one it would just depend on money. I do have to admit that for one split second I actually thought about it. I'm really upset that I did too! I feel so guilty about me even thinking about it. She just kept saying how it might be the only way you'll get to have another one? I guess it just made me feel bad thinking that Connor might of been my last baby/pregnancy. I know it's wrong and I know I could never do it, but what do you girls think? Has anyone here not completely intentionally on purpose try to get PG without telling DH? I don't mean lie to him or anything, but just nonshalantly (sp?) forget something to make your chances of getting PG better? She just didn't seem like it was a big deal so I was just wondering how others felt about it. Now don't bash me on this, it was just something that bothered me yet part of me thought that wow my DH may never say it's ok to have another baby. Thanks ladies! If I offended anyone on here I'm sorry!

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I would say that is betraying your husband if haven't decided as a couple - because you are unilaterally making a decision for the both of you.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

No, I honestly would never do that. I would only want to have another child b/c we BOTH want to have it. I feel that conveniently forgetting to take the pill would be deceitful and completely wrong.
If you can't remember to take it on a regular basis, you should be on another form of BCP.
JMO.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I could not personally do something like that in my own marriage. I would never want to create a child with my husband through deception. For me personally, it would have to be about love and a mutual desire to expand our family.

I understand how difficult it is when finances become the deciding factor in the size of your family, but at the same time, it is the responsible thing to do. We have decided to stop at two children b/c that is all we feel we can comfortably provide for. But if money wasn't a concern, I definitely think we would have more than two.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Thanks ladies! That's how I feel. Even though I REALLY want another baby badly I couldn't get PG on the sly. It's just like a friend of mine years ago suggested that I could poke holes in the condom. Sorry, can't do that. Morally it's just wrong! Well I'm glad that how I feel about it seems to be the norm. I just don't know how she can think it's ok and suggest it to me? At the least it would have to be a mutual "if it happens it happens" kind of deal! Thanks again ladies!

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I would not intentionally deceive my DH where this is concerned either. If you both weren't ready for another I would say that you should wait. But I have to admit, DH and I decided that when we moved into our house that we would start trying. Well, we had our closing date set and I stopped worrying about the dates (we only used the "rhythm method"). Well, lo and behold -- along came Marron! DH could not have been more excited!!!

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I absolutely think that's betraying your husband. And I don't think you're wrong for thinking about it for a minute or two, but what kind of friend encourages that? How sad if that's how her marriage works. Nothing like tricking your husband into having a baby

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I could never betray my DH like that. I also think adding the extra financial burden and adding the strain to the whole family is just wrong. I would love to have more kids but it has to be a decision of both people.

Message edited 12/11/2006 6:48:25 AM.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I dont' think it's a good idea to keep something like that ("forgetting" to take your pill) from your DH, especially right now. As much as you'd like to have a baby, your DH is right you should have the finances to do it. It's only fair not for yourselves but the baby too. And you don't want to add any stress to your lives, not having an income is one thing, not having it and knowing you're having another child can be quite stressful. I would try to be very vigilant about taking the pill every day, when I was on it I did when I went to pee every morning and I kept them on the counter so they would be right there to remind me every AM.

You're not wrong to think about it, and if you really DID become pg unintentionally, that's one thing but to try to get pg w/o DH knowing is just not a great idea.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

I would never do that intentionally to DH. If the roles were reversed and *I* did not feel ready or stable enough to bring another child into the world and my DH had his heart set on having another and poked holes on condoms to get me PG, I would be FURIOUS.
No one has the right to make that choice for another person. That is what you would be doing.. taking away his choice and forcing something he may not want or be ready for on him.

This is not something that is up to just one person on the marriage to decide. Both of you have to be in it 100% together in agreement.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Thanks again ladies!

I completely agree with all of you!!! I'm just a little upset that my friend would suggest something like that. But then again they already have 4 kids and can't afford them or living as it is so I guess it's easy for them to say it since not having any money isn't a concern of theirs. Just so everyone knows I would NEVER do this to my DH no matter how badly I might want another baby down the line. I want him to want another baby! I was just asking because she just made it sound like it's a normal thing!

Anyway... thanks for the opinions! And let's hope that my DH will want another baby in the future!

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Total betrayal-I would feel guilty the rest of my life.

Re: Personal question.... (LONG)

Seems like a recipe for disaster....I think that in an honest and open marriage, having children is a big decision and a big responsibility as well and should be made together, not deceitfully. I have actually seen marriages end because of it. (having too many children, not financially secure , one partner wanted the 3rd child, the other didnt, all of this can put a strain on a marriage etc)

Message edited 12/11/2006 2:50:52 PM.