Popular.. or Not.

My son has entered Middle School and with that rite of passage has come a sudden interest in being ‘popular’. He has a group of friends that he’s had since kindergarten.. but now he is keen on expanding that circle and it’s VERY important for him to fit in and be viewed as relevant or whatever.

I am frustrated by the fact that this appeals to him and I have tried to discuss the importance of schoolwork over socialization. He is very smart and has never had any issues with grades at all – but I worry that his newfound interest in being viewed as ‘cool’ might come at the expense of his good grades and desire to be the best academically. Case in point.. this weekend he kept finding excuse after excuse to not practice his instrument (and he LOVES playing) because he had to be in the middle of a telephone/text/instagram flurry discussing lunchroom seating. I finally had to tell him I was taking away his iPod and restricting his phone use if he didn’t get off NOW. Last night I got annoyed because he has pushed the envelope (AGAIN) with regard to his Xbox live time frames. He’s only allowed an hour a day and he must be done by 8pm because he’s got to be ready for bed by 8:30. He threw a fit and told me that I was ruining his social life and making him look like a loser because he had limits that no other 6th grader has. I wasn’t shocked that he didn’t want to stop playing.. but I was kind of surprised that his reasoning has evolved from “I was in the middle of a round” to “I want my friends to have a certain image of me”.

Anyway I discussed this with Rob and told him that I just hate this whole popularity thing and wish that Robbie would realize – sooner rather than later – that status in middle school and high school means ZERO in the grand scheme of life and has no bearing on future happiness or success. My husband disagreed with me. He feels that he was quiet in school and it effected his enjoyment of school and had a negative impact on his experience and grades (my husband was actually a really good student.. so I don’t know how he can justify that argument but whatever..). He doesn’t feel like Robbie should sacrifice his schoolwork for popularity, but he thinks that it is important to be well liked and active socially.

I – on the other hand – feel that social life is secondary. I think it’s good to FEEL well liked and to have friendships.. but I think that a preoccupation with fitting in can be detrimental to the truly important things and is a sign of weakness. I guess I don’t want my kid to CARE what anyone else thinks as long as he’s doing the right things and being the best person he can be. He’s a smart, funny, sweet, cute boy.. he doesn’t need to prove it to anyone.

We are at an impasse here. We aren’t ‘fighting’ about it, but Rob is clearly not on the same page as me when it comes to my conversations with Robbie about his need to just be himself and not worry about anyone else.

So.. what about you? Talk to me about ‘popularity’ and how important it is to you in the context of parenting and your children.

Were you ‘popular’ in school? Do you feel that it is important for our children to be viewed as popular? Do you think your own experiences contribute to the level of investment or caring you have with regard to their popularity?

Popular.. or Not.

I think most important to me is that DS is happy. He just started 2nd grade, and the teacher told us at back to school night that at this age, they will change friends frequently and its normal (I've already seen this with DS - his best friend from last year is not even in the picture, and he is in the process of finding new friends). So far, he is choosing friends that have common interests and he doesn't care about being popular. In a few years, that may change. I will always tell him to be true to himself and not care what others think. He is truly an individual at this point (does not care about video games or watching sports or professional wrestling, etc) and it does make it a little more difficult to find kids with similar interests, or those that can overlook that fact that he doesn't care for those things and that's okay. DS seems fine with this at the moment. I won't steer him away from trying to be popular as long as it doesn't compromise his interests and his beliefs, but I will tell him that it doesn't matter. I was not in the popular crowd but I did socialize with them at times. I had close friends in school and that's what was important - not having a huge crowd where you're not really close to anyone. But I know we will have to navigate this from day to day, month to month and year to year because things and people change. I just hope he doesn't change who he is just to fit in or to belong to a particular group. Once you leave school, you get a fresh start in that regard so it doesn't really matter what group you were in - as long as you're happy.

Re: Popular.. or Not.

I agree with you that his grades should be most important, but that doesn't mean he can't do well in school and be popular at the same time. It almost seems like you would prefer him to be different and unique, rather then popular- as if popular were a bad thing. He can still be independent and have his own mind and have a ton of friends also.

Re: Popular.. or Not.

Message edited 9/12/2012 7:55:42 AM.

Re: Popular.. or Not.

I don't think your crazy at all. I totally get what you're saying. You can encourage him to stay true to himself- his values, his talents, his strong points. But after that, you'll have to let him make his own way.
There is not a single child in the world who will not conform to their friends at some point- popular or not. Friends are influential, no matter what "crowd" or "group" they run with. I dont think whether you're popuar or not matters. Kids will always want to fit in. You just have to trust that you've done the best job you can, and trust that when it comes to the important stuff that he will make the right decision- even if that means going against his friends.

Re: Popular.. or Not.

Posted by nferrandi

I don't think your crazy at all. I totally get what you're saying. You can encourage him to stay true to himself- his values, his talents, his strong points. But after that, you'll have to let him make his own way.
There is not a single child in the world who will not conform to their friends at some point- popular or not. Friends are influential, no matter what "crowd" or "group" they run with. I dont think whether you're popuar or not matters. Kids will always want to fit in. You just have to trust that you've done the best job you can, and trust that when it comes to the important stuff that he will make the right decision- even if that means going against his friends.

Re: Popular.. or Not.

I think that you should do what feels right to you as a mom. You also have to remember that he has to be true to himself as well. Even though maybe you think he's trying to conform, in his mind he was probably just born to be popular.

I totally understand what you're saying. You don't want him to give up his great qualities to fit in with anyone, and I'm sure deep down he won't. Even if it appears that way for a short time, people who are truly meant to shine usually do. IMHO.

I would give in a little bit. Compromise. 15 minutes more on the xbox live, 20 minutes longer at the mall, but he keeps the gifted program. To *me* that would be most important I think, but whatever you value most really matters. A little more freedom and independence, but maintaining your core values and the things that are really important. I think that's the middle ground.

You sound like a great mom, your boy will be fine.