Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

i realize this may not be the ideal board for this, but i didnt really know where to post this to get the most opinions....

so here i am 6w4d and im still completely petrified as well as super excited all at once.

we saw one heartbeat but two sacs at our 6w sono on saturday. the second sac was smaller and didnt appear to have anything in it, but we couldnt see it very well so we go back this saturday to see what's going on. i do admit, the bonus of going through infertility is weekly sonos early on... but the worst part about it is that you NEED to go because there is always the dread that im not going to see a heartbeat. the first few days after seeing the one heartbeat i was elated. now the fear of it all being gone is starting to creep back in.. my other losses were before i saw anything, now that i know theres a beating heart in there, there's that much more to lose. that's all besides the fact that it took my 18 months and IVF to get here

i am so grateful for that one beating heart. it was amazing to see. but i cant stop thinking about that other smaller sac too. i dont want to be greedy, all i asked for was A healthy baby. but i cant help but wonder if that sac is going to have a heartbeat or not when i go this week. i was told the chances are slim. i had a dream last night that i was going in for surgery and right before the doctor stops and says "cancel the surgery, we have a second heartbeat, she's having twins." dr. B was there too although i dont think he was the one doing the surgery .. ahhh i hope its not just my mind playing with me, my dreams are often telling. before my BFP from one of my chemical cycles i dreamt of a BFP. this cycle at like 2dpt i dreamt of a BFP. the last two cycles before that i dreamt of AF and both were BFN cycles...

back to the point, i am so nervous that the sac will end up being nothing. but because of my history i have a hard time accepting vanishing twin or any of the other reasons. i have known blood clotting and immune issues and it scares me to think that maybe THOSE are the reasons the other sac didn't/won't develop. and does that put the one with the strong heartbeat in jeopardy?? i know this is the reason dr. B will see me every week until he releases me, and hes been super thourough... but i guess i just wont feel comfortable til this baby(ies) is in my arms!!

anyway i know im ranting now and sounding like a crazy person.. but i just needed to get that out and didnt know which board would be most appropriate.. so here it is!! thanks for listening!!

Message edited 11/9/2010 10:07:11 PM.

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

I just want to wish you so many hugs and prayers and to let you know that everything you're going through and thinking and feeling is perfectly reasonable and normal, and you are always welcome to vent / express yourself here!

I also can't wait to hear an update from you, which I know will be positive and bright and cheerful and amazing because you are going to have a wonderful healthy and happy pregnancy!!!

Sorry I don't have any advice... I don't know the first thing about this stuff, and I still have dreams where I worry or wonder what's going on in my belly and I'm almost 32 weeks! But I do want to wish you all the best!!!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Tons and tons of and for you. Of course, you are worried. It was a long road for you to get to this point. And I know I don't have to tell you, but I will anyway , the best thing you can do is limit your stress and negative thoughts. There is a little one in there. A perfect little with a heartbeat. As for the other sac, is it possible that it is a corpus luteum cyst? I have that, although I don't know if that is a possibility in your case.

I pray that everything goes perfect for you and you will have a healthy, perfect baby in your arms in 9 months!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Tons of prayers for you. It seems only natural to feel the way you do. Totally not ranting or crazy. I will be saying prayers that you have a wonderful visit on Saturday!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Going through IF (and miscarriage) takes all the innocence out of pregnancy. There is no "oh wow I'm pregnant" and then the absent minded rubs to your belly as you think about the life that is starting in there.
Instead you rub your belly hoping there is nothing wrong. Hoping that that there is really something there. Trying not to think about it every second as you wait for your beta results to come back. Trying to control your nerves and beating heart as you go for each sono - praying you hear a heartbeat and that your little one is developing as it should.
Even as your pregnancy develops, it is a constant state of worry.
It is so unfair, but in the end when you DO hold that baby in your arms, you know it was all totally worth it.
Hang in there.

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

The same thing happened to me and when i went back it was there, same size, he said it may be a vessel or something else, i was glad to hear that it wasnt a sac at all..i felt badly about it...I would guess since you did IVF should they implant together or can one be behind??? IDK?

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

The way you are feeling is absolutely justified and I would probably feel the same way if I were in your position. The important thing is that you have A BEATING HEART inside of you!!! I know it is hard to be excited at this point bc you've had losses in the past, but let go of all that and just take it day by day. There is still a chance that the second sac will develop, but for now try to concentrate on the baby that you have growing inside of you. I can't wait to hear an update!

I really have such a great feeling about this for you and I'm so happy to see you here!! I've been following your journey and I truly believe that you've made it!!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

I think you are completely justified in feeling that way. I never had IF problems but I still worry about my baby all of the time. I think the worry will always be there. I can't imagine how you feel though. I'm sure it must be hard on you.

Like the other girls said try to focus on positive only. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking of every single "what if". Be positive that you and the baby WILL be ok. I think you are incredibly strong. You've dealt with so much to get here and I truly believe everything will be ok. You deserve nothing but happiness and I continue to pray for you everyday.

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

All of your feelings are completely justified! Just try and take it day by day. I hope all the best for you and will keep you in my prayers!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

There isn't anymore I can say that the girls haven't. So I am sending you some

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Your feelings are completely normal I went through a very similar experience with my son. It ultimately took 19 months, 5 IUIs, 1 m/c and IVF before I got PG with my son. I also was PG with twins. Sadly, I did lose one It was hard because while I felt so fortunate to be PG with one healthy baby, I still mourned the loss of the other. The PG was hard because I was constantly paranoid that something was going to go wrong.

It's really hard but like some of the other posters said, just take things one day at a time and focus on the positive

I that all works out for you and FM me if you want to talk

Message edited 11/10/2010 9:43:28 AM.

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

I agree with everything everyone has said!! It will get better each day and every time you get to see you LO you will be able to relax even more.

You are not wrong for secretly hoping for twins...you have had such a long road and it would be an amazing surprise!

Keep your head up and focus on the positive..a nice strong heartbeat!!

lots of for you!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

While I am not pregnant right now (just had a chemical) - I also had a chemical a few years ago before getting pregnant with DD. And I do agree that it takes the excitement away and replaces it with fear. While I did enjoy my pregnancy, I was always worried. I even rented a fetal doppler (which I HIGHLY recommend) so that I could hear her little heart beating every day. I was even using this the night before my scheduled c-section!!!

But try your best to think good thoughts. As your pregnancy progresses you will feel better and more confident. It is such an exciting time, but I know about the worry. The worry never fully goes away, but you will feel better, I promise!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

I dont have a lot of advice, but just wanted to send over some hugs and good vibes! You have been through a lot to get here and what you are feeling is so normal and valid. I hope you have a wonderfully happy and healthy pregnancy and when you hold that baby in your arms every minute of worry will be worth it!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

I transfered 2 blasts with Dr B back in July. I'm currently pregnant with a singleton. I did wonder "hmm, what happened to the other embie" but Dr B said it best - the ones that are supposed to implant DO and the ones that dont stay around weren't meant to be. Dr B gave us weekly sonos up until 11 weeks and then released me as I was going to enter my 2nd Trimester.

After 2 years of IF (IUI's, an Ectopic, 2 rounds of IVF) it took awhile to bond with the fact that I really am pregnant. I didn't want to let IF take away the joy of pregnancy. I think it was around the 14 week point where something clicked and I started to feel just like any other pregnant gal! I allowed myself to daydream about the nursery and baby names, etc. Yeah, I still stick my self with Lovenox shots every morning but gosh darn it, I'm HERE - I'm finally pregnant. One day,on your own time, you'll bond with the fact that your preggers. As everyone else said - a whole new set of worries will come along. Where you used to worry about the timing of your shots, your lining, quality of eggs, retrieval/transfer dates all that will be replaced with what's that pain? is it normal to feel this or that? Can I eat deli meat?.

Best of luck on your brand new journey!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

First, for getting that BFP and hearing the beautful, miraculous sound of your baby's heartbeat!!!!

It's completely natural to be feeling the way you are. To be elated and nervous at the same time; a mixed emotion I think we all share. I would imagine it's that much more severe with your case of IVF, so don't think you're a crazy person for feeling the way you do.

We all understand where you are, no matter what journey was taken to get here, we all want strong, healthy babies in the end. No one will fault you for wanting to hear a 2nd heartbeat in that other sac, we all understand. For now, trust that what will be will be. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, if you're meant to have twins you will and if your baby is meant to be a singleton then that's ok too.
Meanwhile, we'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers that this Saturday goes well. Please update us!!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

I had the same situation. My IVF cycle was crazy totally unconventional and it was our ONLY shot(we depleted an IRA to do it and really had no other source of the 16K we spent-plus another 17 on other treatments) I got a positive on an HPT at 7dpt and had my beta at 10dpt-*I think* You can look at my IVF journal on here to check the dating.

Anyway the Dr said you have one HB here and the very beginnings of what looks like a sac but can't say for sure. Right now you are pregnant with one baby. I had another sono the next week or so...they said oh you have another HB but its lower than we like to see(99-they like 100 or better) At the end of my pregnancy I got my medical records because we were moving and it stated that my baby Ronan was a high possibility of vanishing twin syndrome. Well-guess what he is here, strong and totally healthy and is an amazing little boy. His HB was always lower than his brother he was consistently smaller. At birth they were 6.3 and 5.14. Now at 2 they are 32 and 28 lbs.

I would just use some visualization-imagine that sac starting to contain a healthy baby and getting all the nutrients it needs. You may be able to find one online-I believe I did.

Here is a link to my IVF DIARY which may be helpful to you. I believe i have a link for visualizations in the beginning.

Keep the faith Sorry so long!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

thanks everyone. i really am pretty positive most of the time, it's just after all of this a loss would be so devastating (not that its not devastating for ANYONE at ANY time).

i am hoping (and dreaming about) for that second heartbeat, but not at the risk of a healthy singleton pregnancy. its just so hard not to wonder whats going on in there all the time!! its a weird switch from wondering about my follies to wondering if my baby's heart is beating!!!

i guess ill know more this saturday as far as the other sac goes. thanks so much for the and well wishes!! they really do help me stay sane!!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Posted by AMPirate
As for the other sac, is it possible that it is a corpus luteum cyst? I have that, although I don't know if that is a possibility in your case.

I pray that everything goes perfect for you and you will have a healthy, perfect baby in your arms in 9 months!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

When I got pregnant this time around I was petrified... every twitch, every move- every symptom scared the SH!T out of me!!! My first IVF attempt resulted in a miscarriage- it was one of the toughest things I had to go through especially because you get to SEE the heartbeat... it becomes REAL... But when it was time to move on and do an FET, I began to really have faith in these embryos (hence her middle name is now faith )... I cant say it will get easier cause you always have that worry- but always stay positive and know that you are doing your best at your end... Congratulations once again!!! Enjoy your pregnancy!! You deserve it!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Like everyone else said, you're feelings are perfectly normal.

I lost 6 babies in between my DD and this pregnancy. Not a moment goes by now, @ 28 weeks that I don't fear seeing something when I wipe etc. I never "announced" I was pg, figured, I'd announce being a success story, after I'm actually a success w/ a baby in my arms.

One of my losses started off as twins. I lost one. At the time, I was sad, yet, happy to have my one baby. Well, at 12 & 1/2 weeks, was given test results of the baby having trisomy 18. Devastated, to say the least, doesn't even touch the tip of my heartache at that point.

I got pg again, only to go to Dr. B @ 9 weeks and see no HB. After being hysterical, again, called Dr. B after the D&C for test results as we tested the baby. He said it was inconclusive b/c the results came back of that of a healthy girl. Which to him, meant, they tested my cells, not the babies. We'll never know. I said, "I guess these things just happen". He said, "I don't believe in 'these things happen, this is most likely a genetic issue'".

I got pg this time. At my first appt. we saw the HB and cried. Some were tears of happiess, some of fear, some of the "could this really be it?". I decided that I wasn't taking any more chances, and also signed up to see Dr. Kofinas. At my 1st appt. w/ Dr. Kofinas, they found another sac w/ a HB. I was in fact, pg w/ twins. The 2nd sac however, was much smaller than the first one. Well, Dr. B couldn't believe that he missed a twin pregnancy and asked me to go back so he could see for himself. When he saw the 2nd baby and the HB, I knew by the look on his face that this wasn't a late implanter. He told us right then and there, that sadly, he didn't think that Baby B would make it. It was far to small, which means it wouldn't be viable. 3 weeks went on, and I was still pg w/ twins. Baby B's HB was getting slower and it finally stopped. I can only tell you this. Of course a part of me is sad b/c I lost yet another baby, that goes w/out saying. But, if it wasn't a healthy baby, perhaps God didn't want Baby B to be born unhealthy and with any issues. After having to give up my baby @ 13 weeks to Trisomy 18 2 pregnanices before this, it scared me to think of having a sick baby. It's not fair for any baby to be born w/ issues, they didn't ask for that.

I'm still scared something could go wrong w/ this pregnancy. I'm actually more scared of what a PSYCHO Mom I'm going to be, over protective and over bearing to my ( )
The Dr.'s all know I'm not even breathing at my appointments until I hear/see the HB. I'm a little bit better now that I can feel him moving, but the fear will not disappear until I have him in my arms.

Listen to Dr. B and know that whatever is meant to be is meant to be. If it is a "good egg" and strong and meant to develop, it will.

If you ever want to talk/write... you can always FM.
Big hugs and congratulations on your BFP!!!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

So I typed out a long reply and BAM it went away....

Here's my story.

DD was born via IVF after 2 years of trying. I did manage to get pregnant on my own before seeing the RE after a round of clomid and timed intercourse. It resulted in a chemical. After 2 IUI's with my OB, we moved to a RE where I did another 3 IUI cycles. All of which ended with me getting my period.

In February 2008 I started my first IVF cycle. We put back 3 perfect embies (I'm of "advanced" age). I got pregnant, but miscarried (on my birthday of all days). As soon as my beta was below 5, I did another fresh cycle (we had nothing left over to freeze the first time). Again, we put back 3 perfect embies. I got pregnant again. GREAT first beta #, but my 2nd didn't rise the way it should have. A week and a half later, went for a sono and saw the beginning of 1 sac. They had me come back 2 days later and there were 2 sacs and a possible 3rd. The following week went back for another sono and saw 2 little heartbeats beating away, and nothing became of the 3rd sac. Again, the following week, saw the 2 heartbeats. My last appointment at the RE... only 1 heartbeat. My husband was really affected by it. I was sad, but surprisingly okay with it. I had a healthy little one growing there. Of course I did spend the rest of my pregnancy worried about everything I felt and/or didn't feel. I also had complications along the way.

6 months after my DD was born, we were back at the RE going for #2. The week after Thanksgiving, we put back my only remaining 2 healthy embryos. We knew they were healthy because we did genetic testing on the 6 frosties we had. 9 days later, I was pregnant again. Beta numbers were okay, nothing indicitutive of twins. First sono, there it was.. 2 babies. I was panicked.... 3 under 2!!!! However, this time the sacs were not measuring the same, one was much smaller. The following week, again saw 2 heartbeats.... the following sono. Only 1 heartbeat which is now my almost 3 month old DS.

I don't really have a point, I guess I just wanted to share with you. It's hard when you see the heartbeat and then it's gone. I think it would have been "easier" to have not seen it. My take is that I have 2 healthy children, and feel that G-d wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle. I'm dealing with some heavy stuff right now and I look back and actually feel that THIS is the reason I did not have 2 sets of twins. (Although, I most likely would not have gone to TTC #2 if I had twins the first time). Mourn the loss of the twin, it's natural and healthy to do so, but always keep the end result in mind!

Re: Pregnant After Infertility (an assortment of misc thoughts..)

What you are feeling is perfectly natural! I would be having many of the same worries about the second sack and I didn't have fertility problems or any mc history. With your situation, it is more than reasonable to be worrying. Like you have heard 18 millions times, try not to stress, and just relax. Whatever is meant to be is meant to be, whether you have or , you will still be ecstatic I'm sure. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Best of luck!!!