Problem with a neighbor

Hello all...I'm new to this board...just looking for some anonymous advice on what to do with this anger I have for a neighbor of mine. It's been eating away at me and I don't know how to let it go. Please excuse me ahead of time if this gets long.

I have two children, ages 5 and 6. My younger son has special needs, he has ADHD and can be very impulsive and exposive. Since he was a little baby he's been hyper, and we've been getting him help since he was 3 years old. He's gotten early intervention in preschool, we've worked with a social worker/psycholgist for 2 years with behavior plans, etc. It's been a challenge and he can be exhuasting at times, but my hubby and I know it is our job to do all we can to help him. We are always on top of him and his behavior issues, correcting him, punishing him when necessary and giving him reminders.

Anyway,he's come a long way and is really a wondeful kid. (I'm not just saying that because I"m his mom either ) He is not an agressive child in the sense that he wants to harm others, but he is easily excited and impulsive, and he has a poor concept of phsyical boundaries. He tends to get too close to other kids, poke them, tap them, and otherwise annoy them when he is excited. He also will hit and push at times (again, driven by impulse).

He starts kindergarten in September. This summer, I enrolled him and my other son in a summer enrichment program through the public school. He rode a full size school bus for the first time, and apparantly he was getting overly hyper on the bus and misbhaving the first week. I had no idea anything was going on because the drivers did not say anything to me, until the first day of the 2nd week.

There was some kind of altercation between my son and another child who is 2 full years older than him. I should mention here that my son is very tall for his age, and could easily pass for 2 or 3 years older than he is.

So one day, I was talking to the mailman as the bus from camp pulled up. Both my son and this older child the were hysterical crying when they got off the bus. Well the other child’s mother started SCREAMING at my son, telling him to “leave my son alone” and then telling her son “I want you to hit him back!!! Do you hear me? Hit him back!!”

I was completely taken aback and just trying to figure out what had happened. Her son was crying and saying that my son had hit him. My son was crying and saying this other child hiit him first. The bus driver said she didn't see who hit first, all she saw was my son hitting the other child.

So this chaos was happening and my neighbor is screaming at my son and she turns to me and screams “YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR KID”!

My hair stood on end but I tried to keep calm. Her kid and mine were still crying. I said “Ok let’s all calm down”.

“Don’t you tell me to calm down!” was the response, followed again by “Control your kid and there won’t be a problm”! I could feel my self control slipping away with every heart beat but I gave it one last try. “Look” I said. “I am aware that my son has issues,we have been working with him----“

She cut me off. “IF HE HAS ISSUES THAN HE DOESN’T BELONG ON THE BUS--DRIVE HIM YOURSELF!” was the response, and she swiftly started walking away towards her house.

No. OH NO. She can not just insult my child, my parenting skills, and disrespect my entire family and then WALK AWAY without even giving me a chance to speak! NO, I don’t think so.

It just went down hill from there. This miserable woman did not have any interest in hearing a word I had to say. All I could think to say to her in my rage as she waked away was “I hope to God your kids someday have a problem and that you come across someone exactly like you!” In my shock and hurt I also shouted some choice curse words out her, in full earshot of my kids and hers. Not my style. But this woman had pushed all the wrong buttons in me. She took away all of my dignity.

I was SO upset after that incident I can’t even describe it. God this is so horrible but true—I wanted to kill her. Literally. I truly and seriously wanted to choke the life out of this person. I was so full of rage it scared me.

She has no idea how hard we have worked to help our son, to stay on top of his issues. We are so on top of him that some people have said we are TOO much. When he misbehaves, we NEVER let him get away with it, there is ALWAYS a consequence. Neither of us witnessed the incident on the bus and all I was trying to do was get to the bottom of it before I punished him accordingly (if necessary—remember, he was and still does insist that her son hit him first).

Well here we are over a month later and I am still upset over this incident. Funnily enough, the woman never brought her kids to the bus stop again for the rest of camp. She drove them. But she lives only a few houses up the block from me, and every time I go past her house my blood secretly boils. I cannot get past this.

I have since found out from other neighbors that this person has serious issues herself. She has apparantly had other fights with neighbors over similar issues (where she yells at their kids and critisizes their parenting skills). I was relieved that it wasn’t just me, but at the same time, I am still so incredibly angry. Today I happened to drive past her house and she was out washing her car and she looked up as I went past with a mean, nasty snarl on her face.

I don't like the hatred I am feeling for this woman. I want to let it go, I want to forgive her and move on. I find myself fantisizing about things I can say to her the next time I run into her to make her feel as bad as she made me feel. I know inside I am a good parent and am doing my best. I know it's her problem, not mine. I realize that she must be deeply disturbed to be so angry that she did this not just to me, but to other neighobrs as well. But knowing that has not made it easier to let it go, and I don't understand why.

If anyone has gotten this far, bless you! I needed to get that out into the universe. Any advice is appreciated!

Re: Problem with a neighbor

First I would like to say that I am very sorry this happened to you and your son. I do not have children but this would bother me greatly as well. I think you handled it well. This woman sounds like she has anger issues. I think if you were to approach her she would just react that way again and it might escalte into a screaming match. She sounds unstable. Since you have learned that other neighbors have experienced the same thing with her, at this point I would just let it go. I know it's going to be hard but I really don't think she would be able to be stable enough to even hear you out. If you do decide to approach her I would bring your husband with you or someone so that there is someone there should she decide to act irrational. Do you have any friends that are cops? Perhaps bring them along with you and start off by calming tell her how you feel.. which I am sure you would do since you sound like a smart, rational woman.

I am going to say a prayer and say that I hope the kindness of god enters her heart..

I wish you the best of luck!

Re: Problem with a neighbor

I can, honestly, say I understand how you feel. I, also, have a daughter with learning disabilities and special needs. While I was reading your post, I thought to myself how much it sounded like my child 15 years ago. I have walked the road you are taking and I know how hard, frustrating and overwhelming it can be. I, also, know the heartbreak and the tears that are shed. It's bad enough when other children are not kind, but, it is, completely, infuriating when it is an adult.

There is, absolutely, positively, nothing you can do as far as this woman is concerned. People like this act as they do out of ignorance and are not interested in what you have to say. She doesn't care about your child and all she can see is that your child is at fault and her child is an angel. Approaching her will only make matters worse. There are unenlightened, unperceptive, asinine, ignorant people in the world and this woman is one of them. You have to learn to turn a deaf ear. I know this is hard and you want to let these people know that your son is a good, kind person who is just a little different, but, they couldn't care less.
Personally, I would have given her a big "F You" and walked away. Let her stand there and make a complete a** of herself. You've found out from others that this woman has had other problems in the neighborhood. It's not you or your son. It's her and, sadly, her child, as well. If you can avoid going past her house, do so. It doesn't do any good to let this fester. You can't worry about what you are powerless to change.

You have a good handle on your son's condition and are doing, from what I see, a great job. Believe me when I tell you, he will learn what he needs to get along in this world. It will take time and it will be hard, but, he will get there. My daughter is 20 years old now, holds down a full-time job at a daycare and goes to college full-time. Her major is Psychology and this past semester she made the Dean's List and the Psychology National Honor Society. She was, exactly, where your son is now. I can guarantee, that with you behind him, he will be a shining star and will succeed in everything he does. Just don't let the morons of the world get you down.

Re: Problem with a neighbor

Thank you TorrieRae and Maathay for your very kind and heartfelt replies. I truly, truly appreciate it. It's one of those situations where I know how I should act (Ignore the woman, move on with my life, she's deeplly disturbed and I can't change her) but knowing something and feeling it are not one and the same, ya know?

Maathay, thank you for all that you said, I really needed to hear it, especially today. It was a particularly rough day for him today, his self control was no where to be found. Sometimes I feel like we're on the one step forward- two steps back plan.

How awesome that your daughter made the deans list and is doing so well! It must be like a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel for you. In my heart of hearts, I know my son will be OK too...he's SO bright, so funny, and so special. And SUCH a handful LOL. I know some day both of my sons will make me say "it was worth everything...including the heartache and tears.

Thank God for people like you guys who truly understand. Thank you for the support!

Re: Problem with a neighbor

For being upset, you are 100% right. What she said to you was really a "low blow"

I don't have kids yet but I am a special education teacher- as much as my kids drive me crazy- a lot of times i felt angry and defensive when an "outsider" had something negative to say about them.


We live in a very judgemental society-- this woman is probably very ignorant to begin with and is obviously quick to fly off the handle.

I always say this but a supportive parent is 100% if the battle- seeking the help you have for your child will do leaps and bounds for him in the future!

Best of luck and don't let this witch get you down!!

Re: Problem with a neighbor

I have definetly been there! I believe you controlled yourself remarkably well so you should be proud of that! I dont think there is a parent out there that wont second guess themselves once someone has criticised there parenting. Only time will get rid of the anger and every so often it may flare up again but also dont feel that you need to tell people your son has issues because your son may be ADHD but there are situations that the ADHD may not be the factor. This only hurts you, your son and gives the other person an out - a way to blame your son. Good Luck to You and Your little boy!

Re: Problem with a neighbor

You have forum mail.

Re: Problem with a neighbor

I'm so sorry that you were verbally atacked like that- she had no right to yell at you and especially not at your son. I would be livid too. Unfortunately, there's no too much you can do about it other than try to stay clear of this woman and her child. Explain to your son that you are going to take the highroad and teach him by example. It sounds to me like you're doing a great job with you son. Don't let some stupid lady make you question yourself.

Re: Problem with a neighbor

Lucky,

I agree with what you said about not mentioning he has ADHD. In retrospect I wish I hadn't. (I actually didn't say ADHD to her, I said "We are aware he has issues). My son is a 5 year old boy and hers is 7 the incident on the bus--issues or not-- could happen between ANY kids that age. The fact that I mentioned he has issues only gave her more ammo against me. I guess I said it thinking I could calm her down and discuss it rationally. I never expected she was going to go postal on me LOL.

One of the things I didn't mention in my original post is that I had been getting somewhat friendly with this woman in the days before the incident, chatting with her at the bus stop as we waited. I was starting to think that maybe this person could become a friend, making the exchange even more humiliating and painful, this was someone I was starting to build trust with.