Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

My mom just informed me that she wants to come down for the first *week* after the baby is born. (She lives in Rochester.) She said she knows we don't have much room so she'll sleep on the floor. I can't ask her to go to a hotel because my father was laid off and they are on a strict income.

As much as I want her to visit, I might want to kill her for being here for a week. She is a neat freak and whenever she comes to visit I always hear about dust/clutter/temp in the apt, etc. She doesn't know how to cook, so she's not going to help with that.

She really wants to help me if I have problems breastfeeding because she remembers wanting some help when she had kids. But DH has a few weeks off during/after birth. We felt that this was our time to bond with the baby. (We rarely have the same time off as we work rotating shifts.) I don't want to have a live in mom. Am I unreasonable for thinking this is too much?

TIA!!!!!

Message edited 3/22/2007 9:55:19 AM.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

You are not being unreasonable at all. Both of our parents live out of state, so we knew when they would visit it would be an overnight stay.

My advice-Set boundaries WAYYYYY ahead of time, that's what we did. tell her what your expectations are and that your new family-you, DH and baby come first and need to bond. She can help in a million ways, but the baby is 1st priority to you and DH first. it's not she won't be able to hold him/her, but just to give you guys the time to bond and learn on your own and when you need to, you will ask for her opinion/advice.

My Mom is very pushy too, she constantly scans my house and it commenting on things. I had spoke to my dad first and told him our feelings since he listens better and wont' get emotional like my mom, and had him explain things to her. She was very laid back and out of the way the whole week, totally out of her normalality!

We are fortunate enough that my bro lives 15 mins away, so even though my mom was up here a week, she slept at my bro's.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

if you are weary of having her there please be honest and tell or and say no. my dh was with me the first week which was great, i couldn't imagine having my MIL who is a complete replica of Mary Barone in my house within the first week. tell your mom that your dh would be with you and that she can visit after your dh goes back to work because you will need her help more at that point.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

I didn't BF, BUT my mom helped me out and it was the best thing!!!!!!!! She lives on the same block as me, so she didn't have to stay over, but she took the week off of work (DH wasn't able to take off), and she helped tremendously! I swear that's what helped me have such a good baby. She helped me clean, helped me cook, helped me sterilize bottles, watched him while I napped. Having my mom there was the best thing.

My suggestion is that you have your mom come. There are some things that a hubby just can't help you with. Mommies have been there before. Hubbies haven't. This is just my opinion, of course. But I am biased because my mommy is the best help!

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

I think it is very sweet of your mom to want to come and help. My mom had offered for me and the baby to come stay with her for the first week or so to adjust and so that she could help. DH insisted I don't do it and come home with him so we could all 'bond'. Well he was MIA all the time those first few weeks and I was kicking myself for not taking my mom up on her offer.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

This is what we did, don't know if its an option for you. I am in DC and mom is in NY...

She came to the hospital as soon as DS was born and stayed at our apartment overnight while we were in the hospital. She was able to see the baby, take pics, and help me with stuff while I was there and she had our place to herself overnight (actually 2 nights while I was in the hospital).

She went back to NY, let me have the week with DH to get adjusted to being the three of us....then when DH returned to work, she stayed for a week. It was great having her here. I felt lonely and sad when she left (hormonal too!!)...just do what you have to but spare your moms feelings. It can be tough, they are there to help and know what it's like to have a baby.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

I welcomed the help to be honest....even when it was from my mom who drives me NUTS.

I gave her guidelines (a time period she could stay and what I expected of her) and she was fine with that.

Maybe you could explain to her that if she were to come down for that long to PLEASE not criticize anything in the apartment and to just be there for YOU when you need some help.

Give her certain things to do....maybe she can clean up for you or cook for you and freeze it so you don't have to worry for a few days about cooking. Getting around to cooking an cleaning is NOT easy with a newborn.

Message edited 3/22/2007 11:41:44 AM.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

Ask yourself this. If you do have a problem with BF would you want your mother's help? If she drives you crazy with other things she may drive you crazy with this too.

If you welcome her support then maybe you should do it. Just let her know that you want no side comments from her.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

Take a BFing class IMO..and get the book A Nursing Mother's Companion. It is a great book and will provide a ton of guidance. We are all here to help you and you should have a professional LC'snumber on your frig IMO. Not everyone just "bfs easily". Some women need to get over a few challenges. I am one of those women. It can take 6 weeks for BFing to establish, even longer for some women.

As for your mom sleeping on the floor...well I would not allow that. Can you and DH pay for a hotel for 2 days? Maybe she can do that instead. I would tell her that you and DH really feel the first week should be just the 3 of you and that you will need the company when he goes back to work instead.
I did not allow anyone to sleep here for a month (an my MIL lives in MA and doesn't think to stay in hotel either) so she didnot see Molly until she was 4 weeks old. I didn't really want or need a lot of help. My mom came and cleaned the bathrooms for me one day and my stepmother came and did all of the laundry and vacumed another. That was help enough to be honest.

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

It may be tough, but its nice that she's coming to help, your lucky to have that!Do what's easiest for YOU-if you think that it may be better if she comes after your DH goes back to work,then tell her.
SHe might really want to help you, but may not know what to do....(since its prob been a while since she was a new mom!)
So if she's a neat freak, then she can help you by cleaning the house so you can take care of your baby.
Use her to watch the baby if you need to run out to do errands, get your nails done etc...
be selfish-this is about helping YOU with your new baby!

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

Thank you ladies for your advice!!!!

Re: Question for BTDT moms about visitors after birth. (LONG)

All I can suggest is set boundaries. Dont be afraid to tell your parents what they can and can't do. I think when you have kids of your own, you all of a sudden earn the right to tell you parents what to do! Its hard, but it is the only way to keep your sanity.