Question for the Childless Couples

Hi Ladies, Just want to start off by saying that everyone is welcome to participate in the post and give their opinions or any experiences they may have had. I do not discriminate!!

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to have children. Even through my 20's, I obsessed over having kids and told my DH (boyfriend at the time) that I wanted children without a doubt. He has 2 and is content but agrees that we deserve to have at least 1 child together but it has always been for more important to me than to him.

Moving forward, we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. As more and more time goes on, I find myself pushing off having kids more and more. At first it was because DH was ill and it wasn't the right time. Now, I find myself enjoying the time we have together. I find the idea of having to find a sitter, wake up all night with kids, listen to their bratty whining and crying all day, just not as enticing to me as it once was. As i'm aging, i'm losing the urgency to have a child. I would never have imagined that this would happen to me in a million years but I just feel so content right now and 'dont want to deal with it.'

Is this common? I love marriage and the fun times I have with my husband. I don't want to take away from that. I feel like a selfish turd.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

You sound like my DH a few years ago He initially told me kids were a deal breaker, we had to have them, the sooner the better... and then after the wedding he completely lost interest, didn't want them at all, maybe in the future but not sure when. At this point he's back to thinking children are OK again!

I think the "idea" of having children while you're still thinking of it sometime in the future is one thing, while the "reality" that you start to anticipate when you consider actually TTC now is a little different. Having a baby is life-changing, and if you like your life the way it is, I'd say it's perfectly normal not to want it to change. And I also think it's common for your feelings on the subject to change, maybe even several times, as time goes on.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

ill have to quote DW from the On the fence about having kids thread

Message edited 6/24/2010 2:28:05 PM.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Message edited 6/24/2010 4:13:05 PM.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I always wanted to be a mom.
When I was younger, I wanted a tribe of children. Well maybe not a tribe, but at least two and maybe four.

Then life happened, and other stuff, and I didn't get married until I was 41.

It just wasn't meant to be for me, and there is an emptiness in my heart that I can't seem to fill.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Posted by AnaMaree77
I love marriage and the fun times I have with my husband. I don't want to take away from that. I feel like a selfish turd.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

When I was married, having children was my obsession. My ex wasn't ready so I didn't put any pressure. Needless to say it's a good thing b/c now that we are divorced, it's hard enough to take care of myself. LOL
Now that I am in a serious relationship, the topic of kids comes up often. My BF wants them yesterday but he knows that I want to be married before. It's just something that I want...
Now I find myself not even thinking about when I would like to have kids. I'm kinda like "if it happens, it happens" and when I mentioned possibly only wanting one child, my mother shot me a look that could kill a person!
I want to enjoy being married without obsessing this time around. I want to do things that even without children, I never got to do in my first marriage.

Message edited 6/24/2010 3:50:20 PM.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Posted by PrincessVonTrockel

Call me ----> Selfish Turd





I LOVE my life the way it is right now and I just don't want to deal with responsibility like that..... DH & I like to go out and not have to worry about ANYTHING whose life depends on us. (not plants, pets, kids, anything)

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I hate that people who think that they may not want children are made to feel selfish for it --

I thought I wanted them when I was much younger but I was never the type that was all about marriage, kids, etc.


If I ever marry again, I want to enjoy the marriage without crazy pressure to get PG. Hell, I'd probably rather have a kid on my own since men are children to me anyway

It sounds like you are happy with where you are with your DH. That's awesome. Enjoy each other. You can change your mind - or not. Either way, you are responsible for your own happiness and it sounds like you are quite happy!

Message edited 11/16/2011 2:13:39 PM.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I don't think it's selfish to enjoy the time you have together. You just like your life a certain way, and society is what makes women feel "selfish" for not wanting a bun in the oven.

If DH came home tomorrow and said "I don't want kids," it would not be the worst thing in the world to me. I absolutely LOVE the life we have together. The traveling, the spontaneity, the fun times together....it's all wonderful!

He is the one who needs to be a dad. While I know once it happens, I will be happy, I am not jumping up and down and saying "Omg make me pregnant NOW!"

Sometimes he goes back and forth where he admits he's terrified of how life will change, and our freedom will be drastically reduced. But ultimately he does want a baby sometime in the near future.

Do not feel you are being "selfish" for not wanting to turn into a baby factory. If it's meant to be, it will be and the urge to become a mom will come again. Just make sure you are communicating about this with DH to ensure that you are BOTH on the same page, at the same time.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Posted by maxsgirl

Posted by PrincessVonTrockel

Call me ----> Selfish Turd





I LOVE my life the way it is right now and I just don't want to deal with responsibility like that..... DH & I like to go out and not have to worry about ANYTHING whose life depends on us. (not plants, pets, kids, anything)

This is DH and I w/ the exception of the pets and plants. I don't want to have to make the sacrifice of time and money on children. Then again, I never had that deep urge to have children.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I never felt the urge to have kids, be preggo, get huge(as my mom did), none of it.

Please read Baby Boon:How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless for a very in depth discussion about the politics of being child free in this country. Fascinating book.

Don't feel selfish!!!! There are people who choose to have kids for selfish reasons too.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I once said NEVER ever do I want children.. then about 6 - 8 months ago... I said MAYBE

Then I went back to being a selfish turd I am VERY happy we do not have children right now. I do not think we are going to ever plan to have kids. I would be in shock if I was ever preggo.

I love being able to pick up and go. We have a small dog and plenty of people in our family who would watch her if we needed it for a vacation or trip.

Thinking about taking care of a child for the rest of my life is just not appealing to me. I have 2 sisters that I adore (12 & 7 years old) and we do plenty with / for them. For me and DH that is enough right now.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

here's my reply from the "on the fence" thread..

When I was younger I always wanted to get married, have kids & be a SAHM...then in my 20's all my friends got married & had kids (I was 34 when i got married.)...and I saw the reality of having kids & how it just takes over your time and life and realized it's not for me..

I think people who have kids and spend no time with them are the selfish ones...at least my actions aren't impacting someone else's life.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Yes as I am getting older I am starting to think the same way...

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I am someone who always wanted children, and I still do.

But I am in no rush. I thought I would be, honestly bc I have always wanted to a mother but I LOVE my life right now. I love being with DH, traveling, going out, staying out too late if we want, having to much wine if we want , having our friends over etc.

I figure I am young, well kind of . I have friends getting preggo, I have many people asking me when we are having kids, whats going on (I don't blame THEM really as I said I always thought I WOULD want kids right away too )

For us we are happy, we like our life. We DO plan on having children but want some more time for US.

Is that selfish? HELL NO...

If you decide you never want children that is YOUR choice, YOUR life. The worst thing is having children "bc you feel like you should"

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Posted by DiamondGirl

I am someone who always wanted children, and I still do.

But I am in no rush. I thought I would be, honestly bc I have always wanted to a mother but I LOVE my life right now. I love being with DH, traveling, going out, staying out too late if we want, having to much wine if we want , having our friends over etc.

I figure I am young, well kind of . I have friends getting preggo, I have many people asking me when we are having kids, whats going on (I don't blame THEM really as I said I always thought I WOULD want kids right away too )

For us we are happy, we like our life. We DO plan on having children but want some more time for US.

Is that selfish? HELL NO...

If you decide you never want children that is YOUR choice, YOUR life. The worst thing is having children "bc you feel like you should"

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Posted by KittyGags

Posted by DiamondGirl

I am someone who always wanted children, and I still do.

But I am in no rush. I thought I would be, honestly bc I have always wanted to a mother but I LOVE my life right now. I love being with DH, traveling, going out, staying out too late if we want, having to much wine if we want , having our friends over etc.

I figure I am young, well kind of . I have friends getting preggo, I have many people asking me when we are having kids, whats going on (I don't blame THEM really as I said I always thought I WOULD want kids right away too )

For us we are happy, we like our life. We DO plan on having children but want some more time for US.

Is that selfish? HELL NO...

If you decide you never want children that is YOUR choice, YOUR life. The worst thing is having children "bc you feel like you should"

I could've written this post myself, to the point that when I went to quote you, I clicked "edit post"

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I was never the type that dreamed of babies or played with dolls. I was a workaholic, career minded independent woman. I swore I would never be a SAHM. Flash forward to today, I have a two year old, another on the way and am currently a SAHM.

It took some time for DH and I to adjust to all these changes but now we have just as much or more fun going to the Zoo as a family and watching our DD experience it all for the first time and we did going out for dinner and drinks with friends. Not to say that we don't still do stuff just as a couple and with our friends. We do and adore our adult time.

I think the least selfish thing a couple can do is know in their heart they do not have the desire to raise children. There are way too many children born each day to parents that do not want them. If you know that this is definitely something you do not want in life, do what is best for the two of you. Just don't decide not to have children because you are afraid of the changes or not 100% ready. You will never be 100% ready and change is a part of life that we all adapt to when we embrace it. Raising children is amazing and for me worth all the blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice. However it is not for everyone. Good luck in what ever decision you make.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

We just didn't want. My stepson is 30 and if he wants childern then I'll be a sexy stepmom.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I spent a lot of time around children before I had one of my own and I still wasn't really prepared for how completely it would change my life. My life isn't over but it is dramatically different and I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes dream about my life pre-child.

I think it's much less selfish to be realistic and choose not to have children if you don't want them or think you are not ready for the responsibility than to have them just because you are "supposed to".

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

My response falls into many of the posts already said but I will add this... I generally don't trust anything I believed in pre-25. You think about the personality and life changes you probably went through during those years, and it's hard to take stock in a lot of things you thought then.

I know sometimes we hold on to thoughts of old but what matters is right now and the next few decades for yourself and your spouse. Take the external pressure and old ideas and cast them off. None of that should factor in such an important life decision.

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

I think quite a few stated it well. I'm enjoying this time as US. I love our life and no I don't want to wake up early or all hours of the night right now for a crying baby. It's just not what I want right now.

I get enough pressure from DH's family as it is and they don't understand the words BACK OFF.

Do I think I'm selfish? Absolutely not. I would be more selfish if I didn't devote time to my kids that they deserved. KWIM?

Re: Question for the Childless Couples

Never wanted kids and now I am heading toward my 35th birthday and still have no desire for them. Neither does DH. I think our friends consider us odd-balls but the fact is, I just would rather have a puppy instead of a screaming baby. I felt the same when I was 22 years old as I do now. I can't explain it!

Message edited 6/28/2010 4:53:20 PM.