Question for those who have had a m/c

I'm very sorry for those of you that this has happened to and my heart goes out to you.

I have a question that I hope is not inappropriate. I found out today that my SIL had a m/c. She was almost 13 weeks along already...so close to being virtually in the clear. She was going to tell her parents and inlaws at Thanksgiving.

Anyway, the thing is her and her DH initially had decided they didn't want children. They were married for several years when they decided this summer to TTC. She had just turned 35. They got PG on the first try. DH says that because of this, they probably will not try again.

So my question is...if you had a m/c did it make you not want to try again (maybe for just awhile) or did it make you want a baby even more?

Another question - what did you need most during that time? Did you want to talk to someone or did you want to be left alone? I'm just not sure how to go about comforting her...

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

Sandra...

in my experience where our baby wasn't even a viable PG (but to me it is still a loss), it made DH Want to wait awhile to try again. I wanted to get right back in the swing of things, all the while knowing that waiting was the best thing to do. I just wanted to be PG and have a baby. We really needed the time to mourn, and I knew at some point DH would be ready again, but we were on different pages. It took him 3 months to want to try again, and when we succeeded, he was still very cautious. We were both afraid of losing this one.

What I needed most? I needed someone to tell me that they knew how I felt because they had been through it, not because they had nothing else to say. I needed someone to just say, I'm sorry for your loss, I know it sukx. It truly does. I needed someone to cry with me, to mourn with me, to give me justification as to WHY it happened (which you can't predict, but others' theories really help put some perspective to the situation).

Just sit with her, let her cry, let her talk....if she wants something to take her mind off it....take her for some pampering. There were days I didn't want to think or be reminded of it. There were days I'd just cry over and over again and needed a hug.

The one theory that brought me peace, well 2 actually was that God wanted my baby more than I did AND that I tried for so many years NOT to get PG, that once I was, my body had no idea what to do with it--it was something foreign and therefore saw it as an invasion. But, remember, I had a blighted ovum--only a sac, a fetus never developed, but my body still viewed it as a PG and naturally miscarried.

It's SO hard being the friend in this situation....you NEVER know what to say and what you do say, you don't know if it will comfort or hurt. Just hug her.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

Thank you for sharing that Shana.... it was very insightful and touching.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

My friend had a mc and they waited a few months before trying again. I know that I felt helpless as her friend and I didn't know what to do, so I did something that may sound silly, but I treated her to a manicure and pedicure. I just wanted to pamper her a bit.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

I am sorry about your SIL. I just had a m/c on Saturday - found out the heart had stopped beating - I was 9 weeks. We too had gotten pg on our first try. I had a d&c, and so the worst part was afterwards when I knew it was actually a reality that I was no longer pg. My first thoughts were that we would start trying again right away..but now I am changing my mind. I think I might wait a little now - not sure why really. I think I am so scared it will happen again. What has been hard for me is that all of my friends are pg right now - so hearing them talk about it is difficult. The one thing I hate hearing is..."don't worry, it is very common for this to happen - one out of 4 women, etc." Yes, thanks, but that somehow does not make me feel better...
I think everyone is different, and as long as you reach out to her in some way she will be appreciative. Even those who have said things that come out wrong, etc., had good intentions. I think offering any sort of support is better than not saying anything.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

I posted a list of things a person does or doesn't want to hear during a miscarriage, on the infertility board.

I think the grief goes in stages and the stages are not clear cut they... overlap.

Sometimes being alone is what's best and sometimes being with someone who is supportive and loving is what is needed.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

I am so sorry your SIL has to go through this

I too had a miscarriage in July and felt like the biggest failure to my DH and my unborn baby, even though my mind knew that something was just wrong with the "code" of the forming baby, my heart wanted that child so badly.

I grieved, cried, let myself actually feel the death of loved one. Having the m/c actually made me want to try harder, and not give up because what i wanted more than anything was to be a mom.

DH and I were scared to death and still are that something would happen when we became pg again. Experiencing a loss takes away that ignorant bliss that women who dont experience a loss have when they become pg.

What helped me was for my close family and loved ones just to hug me, listen to me, tell me it wasn't my fault, and what helped the most was knowing my baby is looking over me, a "spirit baby".

What didn't help was people who meant well tell me, "it wasn't meant to be, it was god's will, it wasn't a real baby yet, better off it happening now than later in the pg, and my favorite, you can always try again" No i don't want to try again, i acheived a pg, I wanted that one! From the moment I found out i was pg, i had such hopes and dreams, and in a moment that was ripped away.

Here is sit about 13 weeks pg, still scared to death and slowly coming to terms with this baby will be in my arms soon.

What helped me get ready, I read a book called "Trying again" It goes over the feelings you have after m/c, infant death, made me feel i wasn't alone in having these feelings, and that i was normal. It also tested my will and strength to go through that TTC cycle again.

I became pg right after my m/c, no AF cycle in between.

I am soo very sorry for the loss my heart goes out to you SIL

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

For me after my miscarriage I didn't want to try again. My baby obession was gone. It took me almost 5 months to be ready to try again. Once I got pregnant I was petrified throughout the first 2 trimesters. I calmed down once I could feel the baby move all the time. The cliques annoyed me to know end. I liked some of the things that my doctor had told me and they helped me get passed it, to a degree. Am I 100% passed it? NO. But I would say about 90% I can't help but think about my baby that would have been from time to time. My due date was hard for me. I think as a woman a miscarriage is one of the hardest things because we naturally blame ourselves and think what did I do wrong and question our womanhood and view it as a failure when it's not.

Sandra my best advice to you is to listen to her when she is ready to talk and be there for her with simple e-mails that just say I am thinking about you and such. It might be hard for her to be around you now since you have your baby.

When I miscarried my 2 best friends at the time were both pregnant and I needed to step back from them, it was too hard. I was lucky that they both completely understood and respected that I would not be able to be comforted by them at the moment. It wasn't that I didn't love them or that they didn't care it was just too painful. I hope that makes sense.

Good thoughts for you SIL ~~~~~

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

Im sooo sorry to hear about your SIL... and everyone else's experience

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

First of all.. Sandra , I am so sorry for your SILs loss And Jillybean, I am sorry about your recent M/C as well

As you know, I lost my baby at @13 weeks this past September. Similar to your sister in law, I am 35. The only outwardly difference between your SIL and myself is that the TTC process was a long road for us, and it took us nearly 1 year to conceive. But honestly it does not matter if you get pregnant on your first try or if it takes years to get PG -- the loss is just as profound. Nor does it matter if you lose your baby at 5 weeks or a few months into the pregnancy. It is one of the most difficult things a woman will ever have to endure... not to mention the effect it has on our husbands and our relationships on a whole.

Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since my D&C, and I have to say that my "recovery" and emotional state towards my loss is still a work in progress. I am sure your SIL is just in shock right now, since as you said once you past the first trimester you start feeling you are "safe" I have days where I am full of hope and happiness and am very reflective and logical about the past and future.. I can talk about my pregnancy and talk to other PG ladies and I am unphased. But then there are those other days where its all I can do to keep my head above water and just cope with the profound loss I still feel every waking moment having lost our Its those days that come without warning and I often find myself rehashing everything and I feel reverted back to square 1.

I truly wish I could give a concise answer as to how the grief process works in terms of M/C, and what is the best way to "be there" for a friend or loved one who is going through this. I also wish I could honestly tell you how I feel about our plans to TTC again but I don't have those answers either. I don't know if I am ready for thoughts of TTC again. I'm still unsure as to WHEN I'll be ready for it again. I will be 36 this December and I worry that time is running out. I am scared beyond belief at the thought of being PG and the constant anxiety that I know will come along with it. The fact that I am on a 'forced break' or sorts (have to wait 2-3 cycles to officially TTC again, post D&C) is actually a blessing in disguise, since it has allowed me to really grieve and attempt to heal and get my mind and body back together again. But again, many ladies have gotten PG right away after a M/C and had beautiful children.. its all relative and depends on WHO you are and if you are ready or not.

Yet the soul searching I've done these weeks always takes me back to that same place in my heart - how much DH and I want to be parents, how much we want to experience a part of each of us in the form of our child, and how much I just want to feel this little life growing inside me. I certainly cannot predict or guarantee that it will EVER happen for us, I can only leave that part up to God. I feel like my "spirit baby" is up in heaven, looking out for me and her Daddy right now..but yet she is so eager to return to this earth that I would be remiss if I did not try again to bring her back to us. I have faith that the day will come and DH and I will know in our hearts we are ready (emotionally/physically) to try again to fulfill this dream

As for the things you can do to help a friend in need who has gone through this. Its so hard to really say what is best. After I first found out about my loss, I immediately turned to my close friends and family. I simply could not cope by myself. They cried with me and supported me and allowed me to pour my heart out, without question or comment. That is all I asked and needed from them. But once the initial shock wore off, I found myself needing space... I went 'Inside" myself and really shut a lot of the world out. I could not even bare to post on this forum. It hurt to talk about it, and it hurt NOT to talk about it (as if that makes sense) so it was easier just to isolate myself. I felt sadder when I embraced my grief, yet felt too guilty if I allowed myself happiness. It was quite an array of emotions.

I also really bonded with a few ladies on this board , who have gone through very similiar situations in terms of M/C and infant loss... and while I hate that we share these common losses, just talking with these ladies and sharing our feelings has helped me in SO many ways,mainly to make me feel less alone and KNOW that everything I feel and described here is normal. Your SIL might find that exploring chat boards/websites regarding loss and M/C is beneficial....

Sweetness/Michele said a few things I feel bear repeating: while people only mean well when they say "these things happen for a reason", I found these statements impossible to endure. Hearing that "your baby would have never been healthy, so its better off this way..." Or "miscarraige happens to SO many people, no biggie, you can always try again".. these statments would burn me up, because there is NO such thing as replacing the child you lost...it is a death, it is a loss - period. When someone loses a sibling, you don't immediately say "well you have other siblings, be grateful for that"... and this is no different. Any children I might be blessed to have in the future will still never fully heal the wounds and the pain I feel whenever I think about losing her.

IN the end, the only real "advice" I can give is this. You have probably already expressed your sorry towards her and acknowledged her loss.. but beyond that, let your SIL know (be it by email or a phone call or a card) that you are there for her on her terms. Let HER dictate what it is she needs from you... she might want to talk .. she might never want to talk. She might distance herself and you should not feel badly for that. Just know this is such a struggle and everyone grieves differently. No matter what your SIL needs or wants, her just knowing that YOU are on her side and there for her will be more valuable to her than anything you could ever say or do.

I wish you good luck and your SIL much love and peace during this difficult time in her life

(Gosh I am SORRY that was SO LONG !!)

Message edited 10/26/2005 3:13:49 PM.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

Message edited 10/26/2005 8:33:25 AM.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

I had a m/c in April at 10 weeks. In the short time I was pregnant I went from - learning I was pregnant, thinking I miscarried only to find out I was having twins, the loss of one twin, and then ...the loss of the other. It still makes me cry as I write this, but I do think these things happen for a reason.

My Dr. told me to wait 3 cycles, and then start trying again - that I will be most fertile the first 6 months after a mis. Well here it is 6 months later and nothing. I am sorry I waited as long as I did to try again.

You see, I am 39. I will be 40 in August. I feel like I am really under a huge time constraint here. I am also afraid that when I do get pregnant (we got pg naturally), I may not carry to term. But, I will not let that fear stop me.

I appreciated people's sympathy. You should just reach out to her, tell her you are here for her if she wants to talk. Maybe she will, maybe she won't - everyone is different.

I am very sorry for your SIL's loss, and for everyone else's who has posted here. It is so common, yet so painful....

Message edited 10/26/2005 9:40:09 AM.

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

OMG...Felicia...your post made me teary-eyed! I'm so sorry....

But thank you so much for all that you wrote...it really helps me to understand what she's going through a little better....to understand what you've all been through. I know each person grieves differently and I can't expect to know what type of griever she will be.

I did exactly what you all said... I know that she is like me in many ways so I will not call her, I will let her call me when she's ready. I sent her an email telling her that I am here if she needs anything at all from me, that I am sorry, and that if she also doesn't want to talk, that's fine too.

Her step-sister has suffered 2 miscarriages in the past 2 years and continues to TTC. So even though I can't give her the same comfort, I know that she will find empathy in her.

It's just so sad because her sister (yet another SIL of mine) just had a baby in April, then I had a baby in July, and then she got pregnant. We were all so excited and thrilled that our babies would be so close in age. Now I'm sure she feels that loss because I feel it too for my son.

I will definitely look up that list on the Infertility board of what not say. Thank you for that and thank you all for sharing your stories. I said it before but I'll say it again, my heart goes out to all of you and I wish you all as many happy and healthy babies as you wish to have!!

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

Posted by FeliciaDP


IN the end, the only real "advice" I can give is this. You have probably already expressed your sorry towards her and acknowledged her loss.. but beyond that, let your SIL know (be it by email or a phone call or a card) that you are there for her on her terms. Let HER dictate what it is she needs from you... she might want to talk .. she might never want to talk. She might distance herself and you should not feel badly for that. Just know this is such a struggle and everyone grieves differently. No matter what your SIL needs or wants, her just knowing that YOU are on her side and there for her will be more valuable to her than anything you could ever say or do.

I wish you good luck and your SIL much love and peace during this difficult time in her life

(Gosh I am SORRY that was SO LONG !!)

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

Re: Question for those who have had a m/c

I am in a different situation as I M/C at 5 weeks. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a baby at 13 weeks. I can really just repeat what the other ladies said. I really had to deal with it in my own way and for me it was harder to talk about it with friends and family. I really just wanted to grieve with my husband and try to move on. She seems to be in a different situation as her DH doesn't want to try again mine is ready. We will probably try my next ovulation in about 1 week. It is scary as hel* but I felt that I really had to move on. I am 31 and we would like to have at least 2 children. I only knew I was pregnant for 3 days before I started to bleed and then my levels would not go down so it has now turned into a much more clinical thing. No one could really tell me what had happened as they think I had an ectopic but they really don't do anything as long as your levels go down after the methotrexate shot which they have. My advice would be don't say any of those things like the other ladies said. Just tell her, I am here for you I can imagine how hard it is. I would suggest the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. When I read that book I felt so much more empowered and learned so much about my body. It is sad to say in the medical community there is not a lot of knowledge about m/c and fertility. I often find I know more than the nurses! The reason I suggest this book is because it opened a whole new world for me not just for conception but realizing there are non-chemical alternatives for birth control. Good luck and my thought are with her.