Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

I have been posting about my sister and I have a final question to ask. I need some honest insight as a decision needs to be made.

If you decided with your husband before you were married that you both agree to have one child, then, after you get married, your husband repeatedly says to you (when discussing the topic) - "I don't want anymore kids, but I will have one with you"...would you have one child with him, knowing that he does not want it, but it's something you want. Or would you look into other options (seperating being an example).

There are 16 years between the two and the husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage.

Thoughts? Advice?

Thanks

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

That is really toufh.

I can only speak if it was MYSELF. I would really need to evaluate the resonsibility of raising a child on my own because quite frankly, you should assume any man that says something like that will leave you to deal with all the raising/disciplining etc. and not want to deal with any of the bad.

If it was something I wanted so terribly that it would make me resent my husband - I would probably seperate.

I personally would not have a child who would deal with a half-a$$ father.

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

wow thats really hard... I dont know if I would want to have a child with someone who doesnt want to have one with me.

on the other hand maybe he is just nervous and once she is pregnant/has a baby he will be very happy.

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

I don't think i could have a child with my husband if that were the case. I think we both would hold it aganist the child, to some extent. that sucks, sorry.

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

Wow that's really tough. I would really prefer not to have a child under those circumstances. If he's not really on board he could end up resenting her forever.

And if she doesn't have a child, she could end up resenting HIM forever.

But it's so hard to say whether or not he's just scared.

Is his willingness to have a child with her for the sake of making her happy enough? I don't know...

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - having a child puts a strain on a marriage where both parents actually wanted the child, let alone a marriage where one has doubts. To raise a child, and maintain a good, healthy relationship at the same time, both parents have to be on board, dedicated and really must WANT the baby. Honestly, in my opinion, it won't work if one goes in with serious doubts

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

Only answering for me. I would probably leave. I say probably because it would take a lot of soul searching for me to get to that point & if he did a huge turn-around, I may also get sucked back into it.

If someone feels that they are making a concession to have a child because *I* wanted one, that's too big of an issue to concede on.

Either he wants one or he doesn't, and from the way it was couched it sounds like it would be MY idea & it would get thrown back at me.

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

Posted by Bxgell2

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - having a child puts a strain on a marriage where both parents actually wanted the child, let alone a marriage where one has doubts. To raise a child, and maintain a good, healthy relationship at the same time, both parents have to be on board, dedicated and really must WANT the baby. Honestly, in my opinion, it won't work if one goes in with serious doubts

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

Thank you for all your input - anyone else want to chime in?

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

When I met my DH he was divorced and his ex said to him that she wanted kids when they were dating but when they were married she didnt want any (they didnt get divorced because of that though).
When we got together and we talked about kids he siad the most he would want is 1 and I wanted 3. We loved each other and I kept telling him he has no idea what it is like to have a child and once he has one he will want more and I was right because he couldnt believe the joy he had in having child and is so excited to be a dad a 2nd time around. It didnt stop me from marring him and honestly I knew he would be a great dad and would want more.
We have a couple friend and when they were dating she said that if she didnt have kids by the time she was 30 she was not going to have any kids. They got married when she was 28. They live in a very large 1 bedroom apartment and another part of the "deal" was that she also needed to be in a house that was completely finished inside by the age of 30. Well she told her husband that she isnt having kids. She is 30 and they still live in the apartment. She's told me that is to set in her way to consider it now. I feel bad for her husband because I know he would be an awesome dad and I think she would be a great mom but once she has her mind set their is no changing it. He loves her enough to still be with her. I don't know if I would be able to do the same in his situation.

Re: Question for you all! Please - need some good thoughts and advice on this.

Age does not matter but if someone does not want a child, that is a different issue.