Question for you girls

Sorry if you don't want to be bothered with this but what would you do?

I had a m/c last year at 12 weeks. The PG was a woops. The m/c devestated me beyond belief. I desperately wanted to TTC again right away but DH owns his own business with no benefits and I was covered through the state because we weren't married earlier that year and I was in grad school. He wanted me to get my teaching job first to provide us all with benefits and I understand that but that could take years and I mentally can't handle waiting years. I am already in therapy and on anti-depressants. I have considered just going and getting any old job so I can be on the road to TTC but that isn't what I truly want. I want a classroom, and I don't know if I am willing to give it up. I suggested HE go get the job with benefits since his business is new and small and there are times he has no work and it is going to be my career that provides us with stability, a steady income, benefits, and a good home with a MOM raising the child instead of day care and my mom (who lives upstairs), and saving $$$$$ by being off during the summer.

Have any of you had to wait to TTC after a m/c and how did you deal? Should I give up my dream job for now or wait it out? I am afraid it is going to ruin my marriage but my husband acts like I am being like a 2-year old (his words) I want a baby and I want it now! sorta thing. But after a m/c I was almost a mom and now nothing.

Re: Question for you girls

Well, first

You know.... it is hard to put oneself in another's shoes, but from what you describe, it sounds like your overwhelming desire to have a baby right now is taking a toll on your marriage... if you did get your husband to agree to TTC, would it be because he just wanted to "shut you up" (for lack of a better phrase), or because he really wants a baby too? The last thing you would want to do is bring a child into a troubled marriage, and if you think that having a baby would have a bad effect, then maybe now is not the right time.
Just like you don't want to give up your dream of being a teacher, it is not right to expect him to give up his dream of his business either. How old are you? I know your age doesn't take away the desire to have a baby, but if you are on the younger side, then maybe its not such an "emergency" right now.
I don't want this to sound horrible, but from this posts and others I have read from you, your husband clearly does not want a baby right now. And I truly think to force him into it would NOT be the right decision. I think it is extremely important for both of you to be on board.

Message edited 8/9/2007 9:53:32 AM.

Re: Question for you girls

Re: Question for you girls

Re: Question for you girls

We had this plan to start TTC a year ago and then all of a sudden we had to move becasue my DH go t a new job and I needed to find a job since mine would be the one that had the benefits. And even though I wanted a baby really bad we decided to wait beacsue it was just not the right time. It was a tough decision for us beacuse i really didn't want to wait any longer but we did. And I couldn't imagine moving, buying a new house starting a new job while being pregnant. Plus we had no health insurance for a few months. Now we are ttc and this year has gone by so quickly I didn't even realize it had been a year until i started writing this.
But its really up to you and whats good for you, only you can decide when is the right time ttc.

Re: Question for you girls

I usually don't post much, but needed to give you my opinion. Both of you really need to be on board with this. Period. It seems right now your biggest concern it to get into teaching. I know its easier said then done, but all the energy you have should go into becoming a teacher and from there you can move on to TTC if both parties are on board. You need to realize what's best for your marriage, not just yourself and it sounds like what's best is to focus on your teaching career. I hate to sound cliche, but everything happens for a reason. Learn and move on with the additional knowledge (again easier said then done) Good luck in whatever you decide.

Re: Question for you girls

First

Second, Ok this whole TTC thing can make or break a marriage in my eyes, things happen and we deal. I think since your DH has his own bus, he should look into Healthy NY. It is insurance for small businesses and such. That may help. I think its great you are getting counseling, but I think having a child now with the stress of everything might not be the best either. I think DH is a bit frustrated and so are you, having a child wont make things easier. Maybe you should just ge the job and have something else to think about and maybe it will happen a tad quicker (stranger things have happened). I hope you guys can come to a happy medium. GL to you both.

Re: Question for you girls

That's a tough situation. I understand the feeling you have about being a mom now. Men can't begin to imagine what that feels like. You do need the health benefits though, think about it, not just you and your husband but the new baby will need healthcare. That has got to be your top priority first. See what you want most, the teaching job or being a mom. If you want to eb a mom first I would just geta ny job that gives you health benefits. Teaching can come later. If your carreer is what you want the most then you will need to wait for motherhood. Why is going to take years to geta teaching job? Are you still going to school for it? If so then I would not wait that long. That's my opinion. But you do what you feel is best for you! Good luck
XOXOXO
Kitty

Re: Question for you girls

I dont think you should give up your dream of being a teacher. I takes a lot of hard work, time and dedication to not only land a job but to do well in your job once you have it. I am going into my 5th year of teaching and when I think back to the year I got my job, the first year or 2 of teaching are HARD and there is a lot to learn and get used to... I could never have done as good of a job being pregnant or with a baby. You want all your focus to be on being good at your profession!!! On the other hand.. it can be done, and many new moms are just starting out as teacher... it will just take more balance... instead of staying after school to plan an awesome lesson for tomorrow, you will want to run home to your baby. You willl have to give things up. You have to weigh the pros and cons.
About your insurance . . . look into NY health plus. I konw there are affordable programs for those that dont have ins though employers.

Good luck, keep us updated

Re: Question for you girls

Thanks everyone. I graduated Dec 2006 with my masters and have been subbing since. I just see how hard it is to get a job. We don't qualify for Healthy NY You have an income limit of $2300/month as a couple adnd then from that pay $500/month for the insuance. Tell me how 2 people are supposed to live off $1800 a month in NY

But thank you. And many of you have very valid points. I am sure if I had a job in sight I would feel fdifferent. It's just being in limbo and not know when anything is going to happen makes me nuts.

Re: Question for you girls

I'm hijacking here...

First of all, from what I remember, you are about 24 or 25 years old, right? I could be wrong, but I remember reading your age and thinking - she's so young...

PLEASE don't let age get in the way. I'm 33 and DH is 43. When I was 24-25 yrs old, I was with my ex. I remember wanting a baby so desperately, and would have had one with him if we got married. I didn't want to be an older mom either....

I just want to say that NOTHING puts a strain on a relationship like a baby. Even if things are going well. But - place pressure on needing to have this baby asap, job dissatisfaction, financial strain, and both people not being on the same page, resentment is going to build.

DH was out of work when I discovered I was pregnant. He had to find a job asap. He took a job that he hated before he found the one he loved. He was so miserable. Then he found the job he loved, but now he's out of the house from 4AM-9PM, and sometimes on weekends. This has been very difficult because I'm raising the baby alone. Not to mention our financial strain...

You also have to be in a job that YOU at least like because you are going to need something to wake up in the morning to and make you feel ok about leaving your child....

It just seems like there is not enough stability right now in your life, and waiting until you are emotionally and physically ready may be the best thing for you, your DH, and especially your baby. I don't doubt it will happen, but I feel that you put so much pressure on yourself for everything right now, that it is only going to make you physically and emotionally more depressed....

please don't be upset with me... I have been reading your posts since this whole horrible thing happened to you, and really want to see you give yourself some much needed peace

Re: Question for you girls

Posted by lipglossjunky73




First of all, from what I remember, you are about 24 or 25 years old, right? I could be wrong, but I remember reading your age and thinking - she's so young...


I just want to say that NOTHING puts a strain on a relationship like a baby. Even if things are going well.

It just seems like there is not enough stability right now in your life, and waiting until you are emotionally and physically ready may be the best thing for you, your DH, and especially your baby.
please don't be upset with me... I have been reading your posts since this whole horrible thing happened to you, and really want to see you give yourself some much needed peace