Questioning my faith (long)

Hi Ladies,

This is my first post after a long absence and I apologize in advance that it will be a whiny one. I figured that this was the place to turn with what I am going through.

My battle with IF temporarily ended at the end of January, when I surprised my docs and got pregnant on my own. When I went for my first pre-natal sono, there was little evidence of my pregnancy in my uterus and a large (softball sized) cyst on my ovary. The following day, I had emergency surgery to end an ectopic pregnancy, to remove the cyst and my right fallopian tube. The surgery was performed laparoscopically and they did a D+C. I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant.

Now to this post. I am having a really tough time dealing with this emotionally. I live on a roller coaster and can't seem to get myself off. Maybe it is too soon. Additionally, I learned today that another one of my best friends is pregnant. I have 4 "best" friends; 3 are PG and one has a 5 week old. I have other pregnant friends as well.

Does anyone ever question their faith in all of this? I used to think that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle, but lately I feel like I fell off His radar screen. When He finally decided to give me something I wanted so badly, he took it away almost instantly.

My coping strategies so far have included whining, crying, shouting and prayer. Instead of being thankful that I was spared (my life was in danger), lately it seems I am more focused on being angry now that the physical pain is mostly behind me.

How do I keep my faith in God through this? It is waning.

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

It is hard, I admit it. Sometimes I don't know whether I still can have faith or not. But in the end, faith wins out...In the grand scheme of things, we are lucky. We have our health, our husbands and our lives. There are many people who don't have that and still have their faith. I truly look at it that way.
Yes this is an awesomely difficult journey and I am so sorry for your ordeal...my friend went through the same thing and it was terrible...but you made it through okay. Maybe some of us aren't meant to give birth to our own children and this is God's way of helping the children without parents...and maybe some of us are going to have a much harder time conceiving than others, but we will appreciate our babies that much more when we do have them.
Let yourself go through the anger and pain, it is all part of the healing process. Even your waning interest in the Church and God are part of the healing process. Just go with it and cry, scream, whine whenever you need to. You'll be better off in the long run.

And many, many to you for having to go through an ectopic and losing your tube.

The bright side is...the friend that this happened to got pregnant a few months later, naturally, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. So there is always hope.

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

I'm sorry for everything you've been through I know it's been difficult going through the ecoptic pregnancy and dealing with all the pain and emotions but don't lose hope in faith. There are a couple of people that I know whom had one of their tubes removed and still conceived. We are here if you ever need anything.

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

I am sorry you have had to go through all of this. Its just not fair, and anger is a part of grieving, so you have every right to be angry.

Sometimes I just think that God fell asleep at the wheel. There ae too many awful things that happen sometimes, that its just so hard to wrap your head around.

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

I question my faith all the time.

Why would God take my son when I was 36 weeks pregnant and now I have to deal with infertility?

Greek mythology, Pandora's box...the last "evil" thing left in the box was "hope." Funny how hope is good and evil at the same time. It lifts you up and brings you down. If it weren't for hope, you wouldn't make it through a lot of things, but its that hope that disappoints you in the end if your wish doesn't come true.

But all I can say is, without faith what do we really have to hold on to? There has to be something that keeps us going, something greater than ourselves. If there isn't, we lose all hope.

I'm sorry you went through such a painful ordeal. Just when you thought you licked this infertility thing, it turned around and bit you in the a$$ again. But there is the light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that light -- whether it be faith, hope or just something you want to believe.

Anytime you need to talk, rant, vent, whatever -- we're always here!

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

Posted by LaurenExp

I question my faith all the time.

Why would God take my son when I was 36 weeks pregnant and now I have to deal with infertility?

Greek mythology, Pandora's box...the last "evil" thing left in the box was "hope." Funny how hope is good and evil at the same time. It lifts you up and brings you down. If it weren't for hope, you wouldn't make it through a lot of things, but its that hope that disappoints you in the end if your wish doesn't come true.

But all I can say is, without faith what do we really have to hold on to? There has to be something that keeps us going, something greater than ourselves. If there isn't, we lose all hope.

I'm sorry you went through such a painful ordeal. Just when you thought you licked this infertility thing, it turned around and bit you in the a$$ again. But there is the light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that light -- whether it be faith, hope or just something you want to believe.

Anytime you need to talk, rant, vent, whatever -- we're always here!

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

I have no advice, and I have not been where many of your ladies have as I am just starting out on this IF journey... I just wanted to offer you some hugs:

Re: Questioning my faith (long)

It is normal to question your faith, especially during difficult times. I went through a dark period when I thought the world had forgotten me. Everytime I went to the doctor I heard more bad news and was sent to a new specialist. I suffer from genetic and aquired thrombophilia and have autoimmune issues. No one in my family has what I have. It took me a while to realise that I am the one that is sick because I am the one that is strong enough to handle it. I admit that if I can not bear a child I will be disappointed but it will not be the end. It just means that my Goddess has something else in mind for me. In time I will be someones mother. It may be genetic, adopted or foster. I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am not alone or forotten and neither are you. You lost your child and anger is part of the grieving process. You are allowed to be angry with your God. He understands and in time will make things right. Just don't lose hope and remember you are not alone. Your church may offer prayer groups and maybe they can help strengthen your waning faith.