Random thought and question.

I wonder often why it's so hard to tell someone how you're feeling. I fall into the trap myself, but I mean, if someone hurts your feelings, whether it be your spouse, your friend, you neighbor, etc., why is it so damn hard to just spit it out? I mean, wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just say how you feel? And I'm not talking like blurt out that you hate someone, I'm talking like your feelings. For example, if my husband does something to hurt my feelings, I have the hardest time just saying, "You know, when you didn't ask how my day was, it really hurt my feelings." or whatever. Just a random thought. I've been trying to be better at being honest about my feelings, but sometimes, it's just so damn hard.

Re: Random thought and question.

i think sometimes people are more fearful of confrontation than anything else. if you tell someone they hurt your feelings, then you have to deal with them responding, and either they will agree or disagree with you---if they don't---then you have the awkward confrontation on your hands.

i've learned that i'd rather have that awkward moment of saying how i feel, than hoping my DH (or anyone else--friend or family) is a mind reader, and just say how i feel.

Re: Random thought and question.

I don't have too much trouble telling someone if they've hurt me.

Maybe it has to do with whether or not someone has felt "heard" in the past?

Re: Random thought and question.

I really do not have problems telling people how i feel or what's on my mind

Re: Random thought and question.

I have a hard time with this. Whether it's something that was imposed on me or something I bring on myself, I always feel pressure to be the "easygoing" person who is always "nice" and non-confrontational. It's very hard for me, but I used to become very passive-agressive at times, which I don't do any more, so that's some progress, I guess.

Re: Random thought and question.

I agree with MrsPJB I think it has more to do with confrontation. Generally speaking it's unpleasant (obviously) and so having to deal with it is not easy.

I also think sometimes, especially as women, we tend to down play or even dismiss our emotions. I can't tell you how many times I've second guessed myself or asked myself "are you over reacting?" and sometimes yes, but sometimes no.

I guess there's this thought or really fear, that maybe I'm over reacting and so sometimes I refrain from saying how I feel.

I will say this much, the more I've worked on being up front the better I've gotten at it.

Re: Random thought and question.

i have more issues telling a friend how i feel rather than DH... i actually never have a hard time telling DH how i feel lol

but with friends i do... so i hear ya!

Re: Random thought and question.

I always assume that the person in question didn't MEAN to hurt my feelings - and I don't want to make them feel bad by calling them out. For me it isn't at all about avoiding confrontation or my feelings.

I don't have any compunction about telling my husband or close friends when/if they hurt me.

ETA: I have noticed that the folks who don't say anything sheerly because they dislike confrontation are the ones who tend to be seriously passive aggressive.

Message edited 12/28/2008 8:28:11 PM.

Re: Random thought and question.

Posted by MeeshMosh

i have more issues telling a friend how i feel rather than DH... i actually never have a hard time telling DH how i feel lol

but with friends i do... so i hear ya!

Re: Random thought and question.

i have no problem telling dh, but when it comes to other family members i dont want to upset people so much

I will say, my mom has actually said things to her Brother and Mother in Law- and she really felt alot better after airing things out

Re: Random thought and question.

I think its the fear of response.
I mean not everyone is going to respond the way you want them to.
Like if you said I hurt you, most likely you would want me to say i am sorry or how it was misconstrued. You certainly wouldnt want me to start screaming at you that it is all your fault and not mine. I think people fear outcome.

Re: Random thought and question.

Yup... my DH takes everything to heart and takes everything to blame, so it's easier to not say things like that then see him get all upset about it.

Bt with friends and family I have no problem with it.. .they all know I ma the way i am lol I like having everything out in the open.

Re: Random thought and question.

I HATE confrontation IRL...I avoid it at all costs.

however with DH, I can and do tell him how I feel, no holds barred

Message edited 12/30/2008 12:28:53 PM.

Re: Random thought and question.

I think it's hard because it makes you vulnerable - exposing your true feelings exposes your true self, and opens you up to rejection. In some ways, it's a self-defense mechanism.

Re: Random thought and question.

I also struggle with it - but I have been really conscious lately about really truly being present and honest with people in a kind fashion, and you know what? It really seems to be working - for me, and my relationships.

Re: Random thought and question.

I think it's about your past experiences. I also have trouble telling people how I feel if the feeling is anything less than pleasant, but I've have more than a few experiences where I summoned up the courage to say something and was honest, and it backfired completely on me. Even though in each of those cases the other person was the one who blew things out of proportion or reacted negatively, for me, bringing up my own feelings is now perceived as a risk, and often I feel that I'd rather shoulder the burden on my own than take that risk of making things way worse than they need to be. I'm actively trying to work on that.

Re: Random thought and question.