really, mom?

this week i just can't deal with her.

she is angry with me for getting a divorce. angry.

i went to visit her over the weekend to spend some time alone with her since my dad was out of town. and she was relentless.

another one of my cousin's is pg. "i guess all of my brothers and sisters are grandparents now." she paused. her silence said, " and i'm not."

she took digs at me over my failed marriage, as though i didn't make myself ill trying to fix it -- but it kept coming back to this grandchild that i never gave her.

she apologized after i calmly told her that a baby wouldn't have healed a broken marriage and a slew of other things.

i don't know if i'm asking for advice exactly - i'm just still really hurt and this happened days ago. i don't even want to see my family this weekend because i don't want to deal with it again.

like i'm okay with my divorce (took a long time to come to terms with it) and i'm okay with not being a mom. why can't she just be happy that i'm taking care of myself?

thanks for reading.

Re: really, mom?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sucks when are parents disappoint us

Re: really, mom?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Re: really, mom?

I'm so sorry that your mom was so hurtful. Sometimes I think parents may not look at the big picture or not have faith in their children to make the right decisions. Did she really take the time to think that your divorce was not made in haste, but instead was done because there were no other options?
Don't even get me started on the grandchild. I can only imagine your divorce was painful, but to involve a child in that situation would have been even more difficult. You made the right decision for yourself and absolutely no one, not even your mother can tell you different.
I can only chalk your mom's dissapointment to the old school of thought that marriage and children is the definition of a happy life. I'm just hoping down the line, she'll realize you made the right decisions for yourself and will take pride in that. Heck, I don't even know you and it's clear to me you've got a good head on your shoulders.

Re: really, mom?

That really sux of her to say things like that! ¥ou shouldn't feel guilty about

anything. You went through the divorce not he.

Re: really, mom?

Sorry you had to deal with this...sounds like your mom is being selfish and thinking about what she wants as opposed to what is best for you...it takes so much more strength to leave in my opinion that it does to stay!

Re: really, mom?

I am so sorry she made you feel that way. But I wonder where it came from- from what you've mentioned, your family has been supportive of you.

Re: really, mom?

Re: really, mom?

Ugh. That really sucks!
I can see my mom being like that if I ever got divorced.
It's like they want this perfect little world that they can brag to their friend about. "Oh yes, our daughter is happily married, has a great job, lives in a great house, has the perfect husband, the pefect life"
And if it deviates from THEIR idea of what your happinees should be, they take it personally.
Rather than being more concerned with YOUR happiness and the fact that divorce was the right thing for YOU and YOUR life.
I can totally feel you- I have often made decisions in life based on what my parents would think or what they would approve of- even as an adult.

What parents need to realize is - it's OUR lives. Having a baby, not having a baby, getting married, divorced, etc...is not for them to say.
We only get one life- this isn't a dress rehersal. It's sad that others try to dictate to us how we should live that life and what should make us be happy...

Sorry you are dealing with this...

Re: really, mom?

i am so sorry you are going through this.. especially because you need the suport more than ever right now.. and talking about babies should be the last topic to discuss..

Re: really, mom?

I just have

Re: really, mom?

Diva, you really got it - my mom isn't from this country and can revert to very old school thinking.

J - you're right, too. My outwardly perfect life to her has been shattered.

Message edited 9/3/2009 5:13:19 PM.

Re: really, mom?

Moms usually give us their opinions whether we want to hear it or not bc they think they are always right.. I am sorry she isn't being supportive at this stage of your life right now..

Re: really, mom?

I hope I can crash your board....

When my parents passed away, I was the only one of my siblings that wasn't married and I KNOW my mom really worried about that. I had a good job and was the only one of my siblings that didn't move back home after HS except for college breaks, but she was still concerned that I needed someone to look after me. I think she also wanted me to have children and experience the things in life that made her happy, even though I was very happy in my life.

I think sometimes that parents are disappointed that the life they dream of FOR you is not the life you end up living. I don't think it means they love you any less, or that you are a failure, it's more like they are grieving for the things they wanted for you, if that makes any sense.

A good friend of mine went through this in a way when he came out to his family. His dad in particular had a hard time with it because it meant no biological grandchildren, no carrying on of the family name. The dad still has a hard time with it, even though the son is in a wonderful relationship with a great guy.

I am glad she apologized to you. Sometimes parents don't realize how much their words can sting.

Re: really, mom?

I'm not saying it should be your main concern, but there's another facet to consider. How she feels she looks to her own brothers and sisters. Most people don't want to be pitied or looked down on, and maybe she feels like your aunts and uncles are gossiping about the situation or tsk tsking over it.

When we were getting married, I didn't plan on inviting my brother to the wedding. It's a long story. My aunt started emailing me a few months beforehand, pumping me for information. My mother mentioned to someone else in passing that another uncle was asking questions about it too. In the end I invited him, with a lot of restrictions, for my Mother and for no other reason. So she could save face and not have to answer those questions.

I'm not saying it's a solution for you, but maybe if it does come up this weekend, you can tell her what you told us, how you really feel about it. And ask that although she may have her own disappointment to deal with, to also consider how much harder that makes it for you. That maybe she could put on a brave face and be more supportive, or at least not put you in a position of answering to her when she says these things around other people.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, and I hope you're able to enjoy your weekend.

Re: really, mom?

I dont have any advice but