Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

So, from my previous posts-- you all know that I am having a hard time connecting with my baby. I don't know what it is-- I still have not absorbed that I am really pregnant. During my Level II, there was still a sense of detachment there-- it's surreal and totally feels out of body and I can't believe that there is a baby inside me.

Now, I think that some of this has to do with my lack of belly, and not really feeling movement. But, I have felt things which I now do consider to be the baby. So, I *know* that something is there-- but, I still don't feel that connection.

I also am really hoping for a girl. Since my Level II, I have been having anxiety dreams that I am having a boy. I know that when the baby comes-- I will be happy no matter what, but I cannot help these feelings. I also had a mini panic attack during the sonogram thinking I might have seen boy parts (it was the umbilical cord), I just kept it to myself.

Part of this has to do with the fact that I am not sure we are going to have another child. I just am not sure I can handle it-- and at 33 now, who knows when I will be ready for another one, and how old I will be by then. I have just always looked forward to having a special relationship with a daughter-- I do not have the best relationship with my dad and I really treasure my relationship with my mom.

Anyway... my question. I really need help in trying to deal with this. I know some people mentioned doing the 3D sono. Others said it was harder to connect when you don't know the sex. Part of me also thinks that this anxiety over the sex is my mind tricking me to finding out the sex-- even though we always said we didn't want to. Any other things we should consider?

I am just so confused and I just want to feel happy and excited-- and I am just not there yet. I mean-- I am happy and excited, but I just don't *FEEL* it... ya know??

Message edited 9/28/2008 10:17:25 AM.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

If it makes you feel better, I am 27 weeks and this still doesn't feel "real" to me.

I also was convinced I was having a girl in the beginning, but found out we are having a boy.

I think either way I will be fine when he's here. I know so many guys who have such great relationships with their mothers...........

I'm also going to be 33 so the thought of having more kids----well----I just can't wrap my head around getting through the FIRST

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

listen, I'll be blunt... it's hormones... some of us get the gushy feeling and others don't. I am due.... TODAY. My belly has it's own gravitational pull at this point and I STILL have a little bit of detachment. I fully expect that it will take a few days for it to really sink in that I am a mom....

I also initially wanted a girl.... for similar reasons to you. my dad passed away when I was a pre-teen. It was always me and mom. to boot, my mother's parents divorced and my Opa died when I was an infant, so I never met him... so her entire side of the family was my Oma, my mom, and my aunt... and my mom grew up with them and HER Oma... a super long line of only girls.

so it threw me for a loop that Scone is a boy. It still doesn't completely compute! How can our family have a Y chromosome in it Is that even ALLOWED at this point After all, it's been only chicks for almost 70 years!

But you know what? there's that endorphin 'immediate-love' rush and then there's the REAL love. the real love takes a few days, but I assure you, you will LOVE your child beyond your wildest dreams... as will I .... boy or girl. I don't think your feelings have to do with a lack of belly or anything else... it's a quiet experience that MANY moms-to-be have. It's actually quite normal. I am right there with you...

I am looking forward to seeing my little guy squirm around in his crib and have as much attitude as all the power-women in my family. Not having to deal with sexism, I wonder how much farther he'll be able to go!

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

Posted by wannabemom



listen, I'll be blunt... it's hormones... some of us get the gushy feeling and others don't. I am due.... TODAY. My belly has it's own gravitational pull at this point and I STILL have a little bit of detachment. I fully expect that it will take a few days for it to really sink in that I am a mom....

I also initially wanted a girl.... for similar reasons to you. my dad passed away when I was a pre-teen. It was always me and mom. to boot, my mother's parents divorced and my Opa died when I was an infant, so I never met him... so her entire side of the family was my Oma, my mom, and my aunt... and my mom grew up with them and HER Oma... a super long line of only girls.

so it threw me for a loop that Scone is a boy. It still doesn't completely compute! How can our family have a Y chromosome in it Is that even ALLOWED at this point After all, it's been only chicks for almost 70 years!

But you know what? there's that endorphin 'immediate-love' rush and then there's the REAL love. the real love takes a few days, but I assure you, you will LOVE your child beyond your wildest dreams... as will I .... boy or girl. I don't think your feelings have to do with a lack of belly or anything else... it's a quiet experience that MANY moms-to-be have. It's actually quite normal. I am right there with you...

I am looking forward to seeing my little guy squirm around in his crib and have as much attitude as all the power-women in my family. Not having to deal with sexism, I wonder how much farther he'll be able to go!

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

My journey to pregnancy is different from most. It took me over 4 years to get PG. Which is why I guess I felt an immediate connection. But, as the OP mentioned, I think a lot of it has to do with hormones.

As for actually feeling PG, although I feel the tiny kicks, twinges, etc. I still do not feel pg. And, I didn't have any morning sickness. I do look forward to feeling the definitive kicks and belly popping.

You'll be fine! No matter what the sex, you will love your child like no other. As for having another child, your feelings may change after having your first child.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I thnink Scone's mom has a few good points. It could def be hormonal.

The whole experience for me is still very surreal. My belly is growng, and although I feel something, I don't have definite moments of knowing its him. Instead, I have insanely swollen feet and ankles, carpel tunnel in both hands which leads to painful sleep and perpetually numb fingertips and round ligament pain that just won't give way...these "symptoms", although alll part of pregnancy, are getting in the way of me enjoying things, and just wishing him out. 22 weeks in, we both have a long way to go. I have guilt that I'm not enjoying this as I should.

I will say what has helped me connect is to know the sex. I associate the baby now as my son. I too *wanted* girl and thought girl, but was surprised to hear boy. I have a great relationship with Dad, but my mom is my best friend. We have an unbelievable bond, that I pray I get to share with a daughter someday.

On the other side, I love my husband more today than ever, and to think a little spin off of him is on the way, just makes my heart soar...gay, but true.

I think once you're further along, you will bond more - feelings of him/her will become more evident, and you will eventually see a hand or foot move across your belly. A 3d sono might also help, because as we know, the level IIs are just still xray-like images of a baby, making it harder to connect, where a 3d image is more like a photo.

No matter what, when you lay eyes on this child for the 1st time, any anxiety over the sex will fade, and you will be instantly in love.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

This is my second baby and it took a while for me to connect with this one as well. When I went for my level II, I was disappointed to find out I was having another boy. It really took a minute to accept the fact that it was another boy. Yes, I know I should be glad that he is healthy-and I am.

I'm so preoccupied with my son, that I really don't have any time to connect with this baby.

I'm sure that when I'm in the hospital and I'm holding him for the first time, I will connect with him and feel the same love as I felt with the first.

I agree with the other posters, those hormones can be a biitch...

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I know how you feel and the anxiety over the gender and unknown was one of the major reasons I needed to find out. My whole life I have relied on my intuition and "gut" and my whole life I just knew I would have a little girl first. Its all I've dreamed of, as the relationship I have with my mom is priceless and one I would love to continue on with a daughter. Then when I got pregnant, I started having boy dreams. I would close my eyes and see boy birth announcements in my head. I started getting major anxiety about having a boy because frankly, I'm not a boy and worry I won't know how to take care of one. At 18 weeks I had my level II and we are having a boy. I cried - both because he was healthy and because he was a boy. For the first time in my life my intuition had failed me and I was sad and in a weird way embarrassed. Embarrassed that my own self let me down and embarrassed that I cared so much. And sad that my vision of having that close bond with a daughter was not going to be a reality (for now - we do plan to have more children).

I have to say that it took awhile to get used to the idea of having a boy and now at 33 weeks I'm still worried that I won't know how to bond with him. I know nothing about cars and trucks. I'm not a sports fan. Will he rather be close to DH because my DH IS into those things? I'm a girly girl to a tee. But on the flip side, as the weeks go on I grow more in love with my little man, excited that I might even get to meet him early. I love the nautical room we are creating for him and hope he'll love the beach and water as much as I do. I'm thrilled to be giving DH a son, because he is over the moon. I still hope to have a little girl someday and I still gravitate first to pink and ruffles, but now I can't imagine this pregnancy being any differently.

One thing is for sure though...I am really happy that I found out at 18 weeks and have been able to sort through my emotions before his arrival. Knowing about the hormones and sleeplessness that comes with delivery I don't know that I would be able to handle it, being so sure it was a girl and then it not being one. I too started showing very late or feeling anything and I def think knowing the gender helped me get over those hurdles and bond with my little guy. I'm still in denial about how soon he will be here though and its def not "real"!

I just wanted to let you know I know how you are feeling. IMO fibding out the sex was one of the best things I did.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I appreciate everyone's insight...

I guess what I really want to know-- should I go back on our initial feelings and find out the sex?? This way, we can start calling the baby by its name-- if I see something cute, I can buy it and have more fun with everything. I just wonder if it's worth it to take away the special moment I was hoping to have when the baby was born.

I think if we did find out the sex-- we'd just keep it to ourselves-- and not even tell people we knew. Because the reason we would have changed our minds is a very personal one. I just don't want to do it-- if it's not going to help.

Also, on the 3D sono-- I feel like it might just be more of the same in regards to seeing something on screen, ya know?

Any other suggestions-- besides just time to help with these feelings?

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

Honestly for me I really had to know the sex to connect and even then it wasn't that miracle connection that everyone talks about. I just have too much anxiety that blocks me being able to connect.
This time around I wanted a boy so badly and that's what we're having but my ultrasound was so awful it took away that reassurance I was looking for and I am having a really, really hard time connecting to this baby. My mind is full of so many what if's and anxiety that once again are blocking my ability to really connect with this baby.
I completely understand wanting a girl. I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with DD because my relationship with my mom stinks and I guess I wanted the chance to do it right. But honestly, while I would have been shocked had DD come out a boy I still would have been overjoyed. Once you have that baby, hear it cry and hear that everything is healthy the emotions just flood in, at least they did for me. I didn't care what they gave me, just that it was my baby that I had waited 9 long months for.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I would find out the sex. This way, you know the name and can start picking up cute little outfits or items for your baby. You'll probably have more of a connection then.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

Honestly, I don't know if the 3D sono will work... but I WILL say that when you're 30+ weeks, you'll begin to experience your baby's personality.... and that's my main bonding experience

Scone is fiesty if I dare to carry a full bladdar, he'll punch it. he wants his space! if he doesn't like the side I'm sleeping on, he'll keep knocking on that side until I flip... then he's happy and quiet. he also LOVES chocolate milk... and swims around happily after I drink a box. it's amusing... and it really lets me get to know him.

From my perspective, I agree with the OP, I think it DOES help knowing if it's a boy or girl... becuase you'll be able to envision your future a bit better... To me, it's not really buying the little outfits as much as envisioning them in school and later on...

but like I said, my head is STILL in a bit of a fog and I'm due today. But definitely think about it and talk to your DH about the idea...

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I would find out, it really helped me to focus only on one or the other. Now I see cute little boy outfits in the stores and I melt, we've only been arguing over boy names instead of both, etc.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I would find out, as you probably know they told me the wrong gender at 12 weeks, and something inside of me kept saying they were wrong, they told me a boy...and I felt AWFUL at first thinking that I didn't want them to be right bc I soooo wanted a girl....I didn't embrace it, I couldn't, and I felt like an awful human being...at the 20 week sono I think I was prepared for them to tell me it's a boy, I think once finding out what it was, whether it was a girl or boy, it made me feel a sense of relief ok, now I know what gender it is and I'm a big day dreamer and for me to day dream about me and my child being gender specific made me connect easily to the baby....
I hope this makes sense...

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I had a hard time connecting as well..and I had a huge belly! But I also didn't find out the sex...and I really really wanted a girl. I, too, had those panic attacks that it might be a boy...although I never admitted that ever. I knew I would love the baby no matter what, but a little girl was my dream.
And honestly, even though my daughter is 16 months old now, I still cant' believe I was ever pregnant. I look at pictures, and it's so strange that that is me in them with the big belly. I dont' know why, but it's like those 9 months were a dream.

So I dont' think there is anything wrong with how you're feeling. It s difficult to make a connection with someone you've never met - even when they're living inside you.
If you think it would put your mind at ease - find out the sex!

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

Maybe it will be better once DC is actually here!! Stop stressing and I am positive boy/girl you will fall in love

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I truly don't think that many people connect with the babies before they are born.

Truthfully, many moms don't connect right away even after the baby is born.

But - once the baby is born - you will love it no matter what - and the sex won't matter one bit.

After all these years of being on LIF - and reading all of the heartbreaking stories of so many girls who have lost little ones - I would really try to realize that this baby you are carrying - no matter what the sex is - is a true miracle!

If you feel as if you need to find out the sex then you should do it (Lord knows I could never go 40 weeks without knowing) Either way - whenever you find out it will be wonderful. I also do suggest that you find out the sex beforehand if you *feel* as if you may be disappointed if/when the baby is a boy. This may give you time to adjust to the thoughts of life with a little boy. If you wait to have the baby you might be thrown for a loop and have to deal with that - on top of being a new mom!

I always thought I wanted a girl - I have a boy now - and wouldn't care if I had five more boys - as long as they were all healthy and happy - it's really all I care about now!

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

thanks-- I think time will tell...

I am not willing to give in yet-- re: finding out the sex, and I think the next few weeks will be a turning point re: movement and belly growth, so maybe I will feel differently.

DH doesn't want to know-- but if it will help me, he is all for it. We did decide that if we do find out, we'll be the only ones who will know, and we won't tell anyone we know.

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I know how you feel. I just had my 2nd and final baby 2 weeks ago. I felt that I had a hard time connecting, and being excited.

It made me feel really sad and guilty, because when I was pg with DD 4 years ago, and was sooo connected and excited.

I had a boy, and was totally freaked when I found out at 16 weeks that he was a boy. I was like- What will I do with a boy???? I don't know how to be a Mommy to a boy!!!!

Well, you know what, he is here, and I am in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is an absolute angel...

Your feelings will change, believe me. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, it's just that... you are entitled to any feelings that you have.

Hang in there, your baby will be here before you know it, and you will be in love, just like I am...

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I know I told you this before but I didn't feel connected to my DD until she was a few weeks old. Seriously, I did not have that fall in love moment over the sono or the OMG moment when she was born. I don't know why but that's the way it was.
I seriously love my DD now and grow to love her more each day that I know her if that makes sense. And I totally get your feelings on having a DD. That was all I ever wanted and was so happy I had a girl. ALL OF THESE FEELINGS are perfectly normal. You will feel connected with your baby when you actually get to know your baby. You are just one of those people who until the baby arrives, its all a little surreal.
Please stop worrying. You are fine

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

If I were you I would just find out. That way if you're having a girl you can start feeling connected to her and if you're having a boy, well you can better prepare yourself for that. I wanted a girl too, and I am not sure If I will be blessed to be pregnant again since my pregnancy was achieved through IVF. But I was blessed and ahppy none the less. SPecially because this will be my husband's first son which he wanted so badly. So that's my advice girlie. good luck!
XOXOXO
BOTB

Re: Serious question... has been on my mind all week. (long)

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I have a few thoughts.. I am 22 weeks and I wouldn't say that I have a "connection" with the baby.. I am very excited and I am enjoying being pregnant. Its still surreal because I don't have too many symptoms and my belly is on the small side. Each day does feel a little more real though.

I also think that some people are more in touch with their feelings and analyze how they are feeling more than others. You might be surprised how many people feel the same exact way, but just haven't really given it that much thought.

DH and I decided not to find out the sex either. Although I am really excited about "the moment" I definitely feel like its a different experience for those of us that don't find out. we can't talk about the baby buy name or buy a lot of stuff. DH likes it that way.. he doesn;t want to create a whole personality for a baby before they are here. I can see where he is coming from, but I don't feel as strongly.

Try to enjoy your new body and the beauty of being pregnant