Should I be upset about this?

Ok... Family friends of my DH side of the family. (At least 27 years) their son is getting married in September. The family friends are my son's Godparents. The wedding is in NY and we live in NC. Well we just got the invitation 1.5 weeks ago. We've known about the wedding since April. We just found out yesterday that there are no kids allowed at the wedding??? So my son is not invited. I'm upset because this was not printed on the invite we only heard of this by word of mouth. My MIL told my son's Godmother that we probably won't be coming now because if my son can't go we can't go. He's only 18.5 months old. I refuse to leave him with strangers. He doesn't know anyone up in NY and everyone we know will be at the wedding. I know it's not our wedding, etc., but everyone was looking forward to seeing us and the baby since it's been a year since we've seen anyone. (No one ever comes and visits us!) We were also looking forward to seeing everyone. It's rare that everyone is at the same place at the same time. So now I don't know what to think. The groom to be said that none of their friends' kids are coming. Well, we're not "friends". We're family, and my son is his parents Godson? Maybe I shouldn't be upset, but we are. We feel like we're not wanted there either. If they don't want my son, than they don't want us there. Everyone knows our situation. It's different than if we were living in NY. Like I said, I know it's not our wedding, but at the same time it's insulting. Sorry just needed to vent! What do you think? Thanks!

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I don't think you should feel that if your son isn't wanted, then you aren't either. I understand you are hurt, but this is their wedding and they have opted for no children in attendance. Was the invite addressed to just you and DH? Someone def. should have mentioned long ago that children were not being invited so you could voice your concerns then about having no one to leave your son with

Re: Should I be upset about this?

On such short notice and being away from someone you can trust your baby with, I would definitely not go.

I opted out of my cousin's wedding for the very same reason. They are having a destination wedding (in Riviera Maya which is now destroyed/damaged by Emily) and I wasn't allowed to bring the baby. Well, if I'm going to spend that much money, it's going to be on a vacation where we can go as a family. If it was something local, that's one thing but if you have to travel and trust your baby with someone, no way. Besides, I feel like I'm being cheated out of time with her when asked to do something without her. I can understand their feelings about no kids (well, not really since I had them at my own wedding) but considering how far you are traveling, they should have made some concessions. No way am I leaving my baby for days on end!

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I wouldn't take it personally.

We also had no children at our wedding. I'm sure some people didn't come to the wedding because they couldn't bring their childen, and that was their choice to make. I didn't hold it against them for skipping my wedding.

Our invites listed only the names of the people who were invited. (Mr. and Mrs. John Smith meant that only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited)

eta: I'm sure in the future when we have kids, we will also have to skip events. I don't expect anyone to arrange for anything special for me or my kids. If I wanted to go somewhere that my kids couldn't go, I would know that it would be my responsibility to make sure there are provisions for my children to be watched and cared for.

Message edited 7/26/2005 4:04:37 PM.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

It isn't that they don't care about you or your son. They decided that they didn't want kids at the wedding and I think they have the right to do that. It sounds like they made that decision across the board, which really is the only fair way to do it. You said they are friends of the family, so you are friends, not family and perhaps they just said the only children invited were family. Sometimes, people make those distinctions to make it easier to decide where to draw the line, or else it snowballs. I think I might be a little insulted to get an invitation 1.5 weeks before the wedding, though......

The only children at our wedding were nieces and nephews, for a total of 4. I invited all of my first cousins, and those from out of town I knew might not come if they couldn't bring their children. They chose not to come. I missed having them there, but for my day, I just did not want a lot of children running around. I know you feel hurt, but it is their wedding and that is what they are choosing to do.

Do your inlaws have anyone they know and trust that you could leave the baby with?

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I wouldn't take it personally...it's sooo common to not have children invited to weddings.

Where is the wedding?? If you really want to go, I would watch your son for you while you go. I have 2 kids of my own and I'm not a psycho!

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I don't have kids but I would understand if we couldn't find someone to watch our children and couldn't attend the wedding.

I will throw something out there - that you will probably nix - but - We had a lot of out of town family come to our wedding and we didn't have children there. Many people came from Virginia, Seattle, Ct, MD etc. they all had children. What they did was arrange for babysitting with the hotel we blocked rooms at for the wedding - this gave them the chance to go and see family with their children (they did other activities with family outside of the wedding) then they had babysitting for the actual wedding time. If any family members have babysitters you could see if you could use them so it wouldn't be a total stranger

Message edited 7/26/2005 6:45:31 PM.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Honestly, I think you're really taking this too personally. I would absolutely not have wanted an 18 month old at my wedding, regardless of what relationship I have with him. This is nothing against you at all, I would bet on it.

By 'strangers' do you mean someone you don't know or someone your son doesn't know? If you come up a day early and spend time with someone that you trust to watch him, he'll get used to them enough to spend 4 hours with them - he's still a baby.

I hope this didn't come across as harsh but I 100% understand the couple and think it's silly to say if they don't want him, they don't want you.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

We go through this all the time where my kids arent invited to weddings and I dont take it personally.
I always understand that kids are usually not wanted, and with good reason.
I wont ever leave my kids with anyone I dont know though so usually one of us goes to the wedding and one stays home.
Its an out of town wedding though so I know that might be harder to do.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Well if they make an exception for you then they have to make an exception for everyone. I understand your point about not wanting to leave your child with just anyone but.. I dont think its fair for you to say they don't want you either. Everyone can still see him while you are in NY. Bring him to the ceremony (if its at a church) Set up a meeting with everyone to see him.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

You could still go and just miss the reception no one is stopping you from bringing him to the church if there is one. If everything is at the reception site that just stinks then.

I'm missing my cousin's wedding due to my son and my husband being deployed. No exceptions were made for me and I didn't expect them too. I wouldn't want my baby around a loud band and out for that long of a night anyways.

Was your son's name on the invite because if it wasen't I wouldn't expect for him to be invited. I didn't have adult reception on my invite but the word was put out early so people knew. I had been to too many weddings on my husbands side of the family were screaming babies were not taking from the audience of the ceremony be it a church or elsewhere and also were little kids took over the dance floor, or through fits because they were tired or even worse peed there pants on the dance floor and well in the long run most of their parents never ended up enjoying themselves anyway because of it. Also probably didn't help that my inlaws offered monetary assistance and then money was never given so they somewhat screwed us so the last thing I was going to do was allow exceptions to our adult reception rule.
And well if that bites me in the butt in the long run so be it, its not like its the first time I didn't go out or do something due to being a Mom.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be that upset.

Have you spoken with them about other options like for example, if maybe you could get a sitter at your hotel or somewhere at the site so that maybe you could pop in and out?

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Posted by NoochieP

Posted by suvenR

I wouldn't take it personally.

We also had no children at our wedding. I'm sure some people didn't come to the wedding because they couldn't bring their childen, and that was their choice to make. I didn't hold it against them for skipping my wedding.

Our invites listed only the names of the people who were invited. (Mr. and Mrs. John Smith meant that only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited)

eta: I'm sure in the future when we have kids, we will also have to skip events. I don't expect anyone to arrange for anything special for me or my kids. If I wanted to go somewhere that my kids couldn't go, I would know that it would be my responsibility to make sure there are provisions for my children to be watched and cared for.

We did the same thing at our wedding, and I agree totally with the part about things changing when we do have kids. So, I agree with this whole post. I wouldn't take it personally, either.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I understand and agree with everyone. It is their wedding. I just think they should of given us more notice. I'm mainly upset because we were going to go to NY for July 4th since that was a year since we've seen our family. We really wanted to go then, but figured that because we were going to a wedding up there in September that we couldn't afford to take off for both times. So I'm very upset because why weren't we told this months ago??? We rearranged our plans so we could go there in Sept. now that's all messed up!!! I think it's rude not to tell us knowing that we were coming from out of town with a child. We knew about the wedding in April. That gave them plenty of time to get the word out to us. We didn't think to ask because no one mentioned it to us. That's why I'm really upset!

They even waited to send out an invite until 6 weeks before the wedding! Maybe it was just our's since they figured we probably wouldn't be able to come because we'll have our son with us.

We already had things in the works. Now, I don't know what we're going to do. I don't want to go up to NY now because most of everyone we want to see will be busy with the wedding. So for us to go up there now would be a waste of time.

I wish they would of been more considerate!

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Its your Husbands family right? Theres no one in your family that can watch him. Believe it or not some people like the break away from the kids sometimes. The invitation said only your names so it was assumed you'd be invited and not your son. Kids might be bothered by the loud noise also. Don't get to upset about it.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I really do not think they were inconsiderate at all.

There is nothing wrong with sending a wedding invite 6 weeks before the wedding. And, they have no obligation to tell people "by the way, it's adults only"

I'm sorry, but you really should not have assumed that your child would be invited. Maybe when you found out about the wedding in April, you should have asked them what the setup would be for children...

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I think my invites went out like 4 or 5 weeks before


ETA No maybe it was like 6 or 7 weeks. Because my RSVP was a month before but I didn't leave them much time to mail them back.

Message edited 7/27/2005 9:52:08 AM.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Sorry you are upset but like all the other posters have said you shouldn't take it personally.... although that is easier said then done.

Was there a reason you assumed your son was invited? Did they original say he was and now he isn't? In any case, the wedding is only a few hours, does your MIL have a close friend that can watch the baby?

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I'd be upset.... I'd feel the same way as you do. I had children at my wedding, the youngest being 11 months old, and the oldest being 12 yrs old.... and none of them bothered me.... my nephew is 2yrs old and was my ringboy,and partied with me like a trooper...didnt get sleepy till 11ish...and thats a long day he had already....

but i really dont blame u for feeling that way i'd be the same.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

You guys are right.

I'm not sure what the envelope said. My DH was the one who opened it.

I don't know if we'd be able to find anyone who can watch him. I'll let my DH decide if he really wants to go now. He said he didn't want to go because his son can't go. But I know that he does want to be there to see everyone. I'll leave it up to him I guess.

Thanks again everyone!

I figured I was overeacting. For me it's hard to see the side of not wanting kids at a wedding. I had them at my own wedding and it was a lot of fun with them.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

Can you go up for the weekend? All three of you attend the ceremony and DH go to the reception for a little while alone and catch up with you later? I say DH since it's his family friend. This way you will still get to see everyone and celebrate a little. Surely not everyone you would like to see is going to be crazy busy with the wedding.

Re: Should I be upset about this?

my family alway invites kids - and my mom and dad always thought as you do - so when my sister and i were not invited, they didn't go - sorry you feel alienated, i am sure they will miss you greatly but they just might not understand fully until they have children one day!

Re: Should I be upset about this?

I would still take the trip, but not for the wedding, but to see family. All of you can attend the ceremony and then let DH go to the reception and you go back to the hotel with your son. Then in the morning you can see your family and can visit with the baby.