Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

...it makes me wonder why many of us (myself included) are so surprised at how hard being a mom really is.


Do you think people downplay it when they describe it to you?

Or is it an "ego" thing where everyone thinks they will be different?

Or is it just that no one can REALLY explain it to you to really do it justice?


For me, I think it was a bit of ego ("my baby will be easy") and a bit of downplaying from friends and family with kids - all of their kids slept through the night, had no issues and were perfect angels from the get-go.

Liars.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I think like most things you really have to experience it to know how difficult or easy it can be. Like trying to explain to someone who doesnt have a kid how fullfilling it is and the amount of love you feel for this little being....the same way its hard for someone who has kids to explain to a mom to be how hard it is.

Also you dont want to scare the new moms to be off

Message edited 6/21/2007 10:54:31 AM.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Partially me assuming I could "do it better" then " them".... and the fact that those around me with kids are a bunch of freaking Liars!!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

For me I think it is a combination of things. For one, I am a very "Type A" kind of person, and thrive off of difficult challenges. Of course being a new mom is sooooo not like taking on a hard task at work or school, so I don't know why I thought I could approach it the same way.

Secondly, I never knew how much the lack of sleep would play into the emotional and physical part of being a new mom. I used to go for days (yes days) without sleep when I was bartending 6 nights a week while going to school full time. I'd nap for a few hours, but I never got a full nights sleep, sometimes for a week at a time. Well, again, why did I think this would be the same thing? It's not. And add into the mix healing from a delivery/surgery cow.....WAY harder than I thought.

Plus the added factor of being home all day & not being able to do exactly what you want when you want to. Not even things like shopping or going out...I mean like showering....

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I think that no one can really explain it to you. You can't really express all the emotions you feel after giving birth because it's different for each of us yet so much the same.

Molly was a great baby but she only just started sleeping through the night recently and it is only some nights. Every mom I have spoken to has a very similar experience...some babies do get it but most don't sleep through the night.

You also can't really express the overwhelming feeling and feelings of inadequecy that a lot of new moms feel.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Just a note on your friends who "lied": I think nature has a way of making us forget how hard it was in the beginning, so that we will have more kids. Kind of like how they say you forget the pain of childbirth. So they might not necessarily be lying, but they truly forgot.

Or they could be big fat liars.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I would agree that when you get to the toddler stage, you won't remember how hard it all is. But I think that people can tell you how freaking difficult having a new baby is, they can tell you over and over again...but until you experience it for yourself, you will never know...

It is bloody hard though!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I agree that it's tough, but compared to now it was a piece of cake! Now that he is learning what he wants to do and he wants to do it himself with no help, which is simply IMPOSSIBLE, it is getting much more difficult.

Not so scare anyone, of course

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I remember how hard it was. The first 3 months were definitely the hardest.

I think it's mainly physical. No one gets the sheer exhaustion, the hormone levels readjusting, emotions running high. You could describe it but only those that have been through it get the shock of it all.

The reason I think it's physical is that when my friend adopted her baby, she would mock new moms about how difficult it was, how taking a shower before noon was so difficulte, etc. Hers was the hardest "labor" I've ever heard of (birthmom decides to take the baby home for a few days to meet the family, birthdad suddenly starts taking about needing more money for the living expenses, etc), but she found the newborn stage to be a breeze.

The good news is that since I was so shocked by the first, having a second wasn't nearly as tough to adjust.

Re: Since so ptmany of us are struggling with newborns...

I think I was so surprised because I thought I was so "ready" to be a mom that I could easily handle a newborn and everything that came with it.

In reality, it doesn't matter how "ready" you are, nothing can prepare you for motherhood!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I think that a lot of Mom's do in fact "downplay" it.. but they also could have had realtively easy, laid back babies whereas my little guy was a colicy terror from about week 2 onward

Also, I do tend to agree that as time goes on, you tend to forget all the details of how rough it was. Everyday brings a new challenge of some sort so while you never completely forget the newborn stage, it does not seem nearly as bad months later than it did perhaps. I mean I will never forget how hard it was for me and how many days I was so upset and overwhelmed but now that I see how amazing my baby is and how much he's changed and grown, it's so rewarding. Those first 2-3 months I was convinced I would never and could never handle having any more children - I didn't want to go through it again. Now, I'm already thinking to #2

But in reality, I do feel that no matter HOW many people can 'prepare' you for it, it's one of these things in life that you have to experience to fully 'get.' I didn't understand everyone telling me to get my rest when I could while preggo, didn't understand how my life would completely change , and never quite fathomed just how tough taking care of one little being could actually be.

I also never EVER believed it when BTDT moms would say "just wait until about 3-4 months.. it gets soo much better" I would count the days until that time.. of course my kid took until about 5 months before he really outgrew the colic, but overall they weren't lying about that

(oh and I am so not a liar when pregnant ladies and new moms ask me about this stuff.. I don't go overboard and scare them but I DO tell them that it's HARD and I was nearly out of my mind in the beginning and hopefully they'll have easy babies unlike mine AND I do also love to throw in the 'it'll get better' stuff too )

Message edited 6/21/2007 11:53:45 AM.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I really do think you start to forget how hard it really was. DS is 7 months old and I look back at the first few months so fondly now, even though it was such a struggle.

I also try not to dwell on the challenges of newborns when I'm talking to my preggo friends -- I don't want to project my experiences onto them. I remember how annoying it was to be preggo and hear everyone say, "enjoy your sleep now" -- well, they were right, but it still annoyed me.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

DD is 8 weeks old and I remember thinking when she was maybe 2 weeks old - now I understand how sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture to get information - I would have signed a false confession for just about anything to get some serious sleep!

One of the BEST books I got was:

Operating Instructions: A journal of my son's first year. It's written by Anne Lamott and she was a single mom struggling with money and trying to raise her son. She has these journal entries that perfectly convey how exhasted, overwhelmed and in love with her son she was. She'll have one entry about how Sam (her son) is an angel from heaven - then the next entry she'll have something like "sam is crying again - I really dont think I like him."

It's a really great read!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I think a big issue for DH and I is that we are older.
I am 36, he is 43. Not that I think I would have had it "easier" if I was younger, but I remember how I used to go to school, work and go out until 4am, get 3 hours of sleep and do it all over again.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Part of it was ego- I thought "MY son will be laid back, calm, complacent"

Matty is NONE of those- he is delightful, smart, but VERY energetic.

I also just assumed that if I worked hard, remained organized I could do it no problem. I had no idea that a newborn was not like any other job I could work hard at.

Lastly, I think no one could aptly describe how hard it is- it is a physical endurance test with a newborn. I had no idea.

It does get easier though- now that he is 6.5 months old- we are considering a second in another year or two. 3 months ago I was dead set against having another!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

it is exhausting!!!!!!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I never thought it would be as hard as it is. Where I didn't "expect" my daughter to be and absolute angel, I just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Between my own recovery, both physically and emotionally and trying to take care of a newborn, I knew it was going to be demanding, I just didn't know to what extent. I didn't realize or prepare for how hard my physical recovery would be and I wasn't expecting to experience the emotional roller coaster I'm on right now.

Absolutely NOTHING or NO ONE can prepare you for this. No matter how many stories you listen to, it's gonna be hard.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I have been very lucky that my DD is a VERY easy baby...she has been sleeping through the night since 2 months

only cries when she is hungry and you take too long to mix up her bottle

I can count on my hands the number of times she has just been fussy with no real cause (I have learned that she acts this way when she is tired - so I put her down for a nap)

I am VERY lucky

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Posted by stephanief

I have been very lucky that my DD is a VERY easy baby...she has been sleeping through the night since 2 months

only cries when she is hungry and you take too long to mix up her bottle

I can count on my hands the number of times she has just been fussy with no real cause (I have learned that she acts this way when she is tired - so I put her down for a nap)

I am VERY lucky

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Posted by Laura1

Posted by stephanief

I have been very lucky that my DD is a VERY easy baby...she has been sleeping through the night since 2 months

only cries when she is hungry and you take too long to mix up her bottle

I can count on my hands the number of times she has just been fussy with no real cause (I have learned that she acts this way when she is tired - so I put her down for a nap)

I am VERY lucky

No Fair...Wanna Trade?

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

I honestly don't think anyone I knew downplayed it. My friends told me how much work a newborn is. It is very hard and can be very frustrating. I honestly thought my kid will only cry when she is hungry, and my kid will sleep through the night, etc. I think we might tend to set expectations to high and maybe unrealistic. But when Emma smiles it is all worth it.

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

It depends on the baby....

Cailen is just a very easygoing baby - I'm lucky. I'm very calm because of it - but when he went thru that pattern a while back where he wasnt sleeping, it definitely affected me, so if he was crying and not sleeping all the friggin time, I'd defintiely be a very different kind of parent!

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Posted by stephanief

I have been very lucky that my DD is a VERY easy baby...she has been sleeping through the night since 2 months

only cries when she is hungry and you take too long to mix up her bottle

I can count on my hands the number of times she has just been fussy with no real cause (I have learned that she acts this way when she is tired - so I put her down for a nap)

I am VERY lucky

Re: Since so many of us are struggling with newborns...

Some people are just blessed with easier babies, and some people just think they are. I personally believe that people tell you how great it is because they're worried that if they tell you how tough it can be that it will sound like they're a bad mom or they don't love their child enough. Since having DS I try to be as honest with people as possible. I tell them what a PITA DS can be at times, but also what a joy he is and how I love watching him discover new things. The only thing I can tell you is this, it's not always easy but it's always worth it. And do your best to be honest with friends who are pregnant or thinking of having babies.