So who's raising their kids away from their family?

I'm lucky in that I'm not SO far from my family- I'm in NJ, they're on LI. We can get to each other in an hour & 20.

When I moved out here, my family warned me it would be tough - they weren't kidding. And I had told them we'd be fine cuz so many people do it.

I almost feel it's more emotionally hard on me than anything. They do get to come out at least once a week so I know I'm luckier than most...but without their support at a moment's notice, it's tough. They live where my life used to be, and I was always surrounded by people. Now I feel kind of isolated. I actually did kind of feel this way when I first moved out here...but now that I'm home, not working, and couped up in the house.... It was so much easier when I had everyone within arm's reach.

For those of you in this situation, how are you handling it?

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

We're in FL and everyone is in NY. It's tough at times (especially when DH and I were both sick at the same time and our DS was not sick).

But it's ok. We webcam with our family and their is always tons of pictures from us being sent out. It does get hard at times but when we see family it makes the trip so much more enjoyable

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

My husband is in the military. We live 8 hours away from our family. I do get sad when I think about how much our families have/are missing out on. We plan on moving back home in 3 years when DH is done with school so I make it by reminding myself that this isn't forever.

As far as being a parent with no help, I have never had help so I don't know what I am missing out on. I have found some friends that help make it easier, so I do have someone to babysit every once in a while, so I don't feel all alone. The first year I knew no one here so I lived on the phone with my mom

Definitely find some other mommy friends, it will help!

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

I am also in NJ, my family is on LI and DH's family is in PA. It is hard, but you get used to it. You are really lucky you see your family so often. I might as well live in California. We had very, very little help after #1 was born, I think my mother stayed over one night. #2 we didn't even want any help at this point we were used to going at it alone, and #3 same story. We grew stronger as a couple, family unit as a result of the distance. When it hit me the hardest was when I was pregnant with #3 and my girls were 1.5 and 3. Some days I thought I could die, I was really resentful that my mother didn't come help me during that time, but you just deal with it, I moved to NJ. I do miss my family, especially being close to my sister but at the end of the day, the move was in the best interest of my family. It does get easier.

Message edited 8/7/2009 12:11:36 PM.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

I am from Long Island, but as everyone knows, I have been living in England with my British husband for the last 10 years, and now we have a three and a half year old son. I personally don't find it hard not having any family around, because I have a fantastic network of friends, and I can always count on them. For me, this is the exact situation that I want to be in, I miss my family, but I don't feel far away from them because I speak to them everyday, at least once, somedays more. Do I feel sad about my parents & sister missing out, yes I guess so, but I feel that I made this choice and I have to live with the choices that I have made. I see them 4-5 times a year, I see my in laws, who live 3 hours away 4-5 times a year also....

I love living here, I love the culture, I love the people, I love the Healthcare situation, and that alone would probably keep me from moving back to the states at any point in the future.

Message edited 8/7/2009 12:18:25 PM.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

i had it rough tara! real rough!

i move to chicago where i have no nearby friends or family when i was in my 3rd trimerster. like your family, mine warned me it would be hard, but i didn't listen. not that i could've done anything to prevent my move anyways (DH's job) but once the baby came and reality hit - oh boy! throw in PP hormones into that and i was a WRECK! i made it one month here w the baby before i caved in and went back home for help. i couldn't do it. i mean, can anyone raise a newborn all by themselves? no friends, no family, no breaks, nothing? it was sooo hard. DH was here to help, but only for a couple hours out of the day. i was EBF'ing too so that was all me also. all in all, it was a nightmare, but thankfully once i realized i wasn't being a hero by doing this all myself, i obliged and went back home where i was well taken care of and happy mommy=happy baby!

i waited until allison was done being a newborn before i even considered coming back. it's been hard, babies are a handful, especially when you're "on" 24/7, but it's a hell of a lot easier than when she was a newborn!

if i had to give you advice, i'd suggest to you, if it gets BAD, there's no harm in going back home...you're on vacation for the rest of august, right? go back home and get all the help you can get! its not the end of the world, and if it helps you, then that's all that matters!

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

Lupe, you sound just like me! The EBF...PP hormones...my sister actually suggested I go stay with them a couple days but...I don't know why I can't bring myself to doing it, I'd hate to take Riley away from her Daddy. And honestly, I'm not sure how much of a break I'd REALLY get...I dunno...

I'm sorry you went through this too Lupe...it is sooo hard and I'd hate anyone else to feel like this.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

We're in CT, about 2.5 hours from my family on LI. I wished we lived closer to family especially since DS has been sick several times recently. It has been hard to take a lot of time off from work to care for him by myself. DH can't take as much time off. Luckily, it's pretty slow during the summer, but it would be nice to rely on family if we're ever in a jam. DH had to drop DS off at my office one night for several hours b/c I had a huge brief due, but he also had a work commitment.

We see my family at least twice per month b/c my parents hate to go a long time without seeing DS. It's a lot to go down there for the whole weekend though. Since DH and I both work pretty long hours, we use the weekend to run errands and get things done around the house. It's hard to do that when we're constantly going down to NY, entertaining visitors at our home or seeing DH's family who live an hour away. At the same time, I wish my family lived close enough to just stop by for dinner or to spend a few hours with DS.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

mine are in NY, I am in Charlotte.

I haven't known anything else, so thankfully I can't compare before and afters.

I know its definitely harder on my mother. She's in therapy. Hates going to family parties now since she is a grandmother without grandchildren. She is in a horrible funk. My youngest brother is leaving for college this month, so my parents are getting ready to sell and move down here.

My sister and her baby live in N. Wash State. So my parents figure if they live by us, all their vacation time can be spent with my niece.

The hardest part is dealing with emergencies solo. Having 2 kids down here is scary to me. #1 was hospitalized with his asthma. I have no idea what I would have done with #2.

Luckily I have met a great family down here. They are from NY. Her mother lives in FL. They opened their home to us for Christmas(my sister was having a baby so my family was in WA)...my DH will never be able to get Christmas week off of work. Without people like that, this would be very hard.

ETA: the thing I love is my parents watch Wipeout at home on speaker phone while josh watches it here and talks to them each week. Its their date hour.

Message edited 8/7/2009 12:36:25 PM.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

Posted by TaraGotHutched


Lupe, you sound just like me! The EBF...PP hormones...my sister actually suggested I go stay with them a couple days but...I don't know why I can't bring myself to doing it, I'd hate to take Riley away from her Daddy. And honestly, I'm not sure how much of a break I'd REALLY get...I dunno...

I'm sorry you went through this too Lupe...it is sooo hard and I'd hate anyone else to feel like this.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

We are in NY and my parents and family are in FL. DH's family is in NY but it's different(for me at least) raising a baby and being away from my mother. We are actually moving to FL within the next month or so, a big change but we want her to grow up around my parents.

It is rough though, my father is disabled and since he cannot fly and Mattea is so young he still hasn't met his granddaughter. We send pics,update emails on milestones but it's not the same..looking forward to the move!

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

Our closest relative (BIL) lives in N Jersey.

My mom lives overseas. I think I was "OK" with it for all those years until I had DS. I miss my mom A LOT!!!!!!

Aside the obvious non-help from IL's (they both passed away) or my family being overseas for babysitting, etc..., it is hard emotionally!

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

Both of our families are on LI and we live upstate (NY) about 3 1/2 hours away.

It would be nice to have the extra help, but we are both really happy to have our distance. Our families on the other hand are very upset that we do not live close. We are the only "birds who flew away from the nest". I find it most difficult dealing with the guilt even though we are really happy where we are.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

oh yeah - I had that guilt from family when I first moved away. I was always asked when I was gonna visit again...put lots of pressure on me when I was trying to build a life here.

The other issue of guilt is my mom - even though I was the one to move, SHE feels guilty that she doesn't live closer and can't help as often. She's actually beside herself about it and so worried (mostly about me). She's still not comfortable doing the drive by herself.....

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

We are similar to you - I'm in Putnam, they are in Nassau/Suffolk - inlaws are in CT. Both families are about an hour and 20 minutes as well. We don't see them as often as we'd like. We try to get to them or them to us at least once a month, but that doesn't always happen.

It's really hard not having them close, but we've been ok. When I had some serious health issues after delivering my DS both grandma's really stepped up. My mom came for a week and helped DH with my 18 month DD and my newborn DS and when she had to go back to work, my MIL came and helped for a few days until I was back home and on my feet.

I get sad sometimes and ache to move to LI, but it's really not where I want to be except for the fact that I have family there. I love where I live so we do the best we can on our own.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

Tara, funny you bring this up, because this was making me super depressed today. We are in S. Florida, my parents and ILs are on LI. So are all of my friends. The idea of not having my mom around to help is making me sad and she doesn't help by getting depressed and complaining to me. I agree with Lupe-even if you can take a week and go to LI, maybe that will help. I might go to NY with my baby if I find that I can't handle it here. But time will tell. Maybe once you are in a routine it will help. How are your neighbors? I am blessed with an awesome friend who lives next door and who plans on helping me when the baby arrives.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

My mom lives overseas. I think I was "OK" with it for all those years until I had DS. I miss my mom A LOT!!!!!!


My family (parents, brother sister, nephews) is overseas. My DD only met them in person once last year and we are not going to be able to go and visit this year. They can't really visit bc it's extremely hard to get a visa there and even if they could it's just very expensive, no way my family can afford it.
I miss them so much and I feel awful that DD doesn't really "know" her grandparents and her aunt and uncle and cousins. I get really depressed thinking about it sometimes. (we talk and web cam via Skype AND SHE KNOWS WHO THEY ARE AND ALL , but it's not the same) It breaks my heart every time my sister's kids ask when DD is going to visit them. Just like you I also was OK and had gotten to being away from family all this years , but after having DD it's been so hard and I just miss them so much ALL THE TIME


I do have DH's family around though and so thankful to them for doing their best to help out as much as they can. They truly are amazing.

Message edited 8/7/2009 4:58:03 PM.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

My parents live 7+ hour drive away and DHs family is on LI (we are in NJ)-----I miss my family a lot, especially right after we visit or they are here, but for the most part, I don't know any different with raising my DS so its okay. The hardest is when there is an emergency----we hadn't lived here too long before DS was born and really didn't know our neighbors & my BIL had to drive 3 hours to let our dog out when I went into labor early and had DS rather unexpectedly! Now we have met more people & I have found that others like us (with no family nearby) are really helpful when it comes to that kind of stuff bc they totally understand.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

We are also in Charlotte, and most of my family is in NY.

It's hard to be far away from them, but they understand why we came here, and we try to come up whenever we can.

It's definitely hard, but in the long run, I know that we are better off here.

Re: So who's raising their kids away from their family?

We are in CT and my parents are on LI and my in-laws are in PA (although they are not far enough away in my book )

It is very difficult to be away from my mom. I know this is best for us - we LOVE where we live - and we are building our family and a home together, but it is so hard to not have a support system. I have made some friends, but very few I feel like I can rely at all times because they have their own obligations and stuff. The beginning was the worst when DS was colicky, but it has gotten progressively better. We do our best to see my family at least once a month and we really enjoy our visits. The toughest part is during the week. Sometimes I could really use an extra hand, and I don't have that at all. DH is great at night, but there are many days I'm watching the clock waiting for him to get home to pass off DS because I'm about to lose my mind.

I know how hard it is, and wanted to offer some hugs