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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
I think this question is more for the experts out there who have experience with recovering addicts.
Back story: My sister is a recovering alcoholic/addict. When she first went into recovery two years ago, she was going to AA at least once a day and was really living it.
At the same time, she was sort of learning how to deal with real life - bills, people, jobs, etc. She was actually doing really well in general and completing her 12 steps.
Then she ran into a guy she had hung out with 10 years ago who is/was married and a full blown alcoholic. He has left his wife and they are moving into together, but he is still drinking and has told her flat out that he won't stop and she has to live with it.
She now only goes to meeting once a week and has completely given up on the 12 steps.
We, as her family, are really worried that she is going to end up back where she was. And yet, we can't really stop it...she's a grown woman and makes her own decisions.
I know there are many things wrong with this picture, but my main question is
What are her chances of staying sober in this relationship? People who deal with this must have some idea...we are trying to find some hope.
TIA!
Message edited 8/31/2008 10:56:04 AM.
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Posted 8/31/08 10:55 AM  |
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MeeshkaMich
LL=Yum
Member since 2/06 5616 total posts
Name:
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Posted by Gertyrae
I think this question is more for the experts out there who have experience with recovering addicts.
Back story: My sister is a recovering alcoholic/addict. When she first went into recovery two years ago, she was going to AA at least once a day and was really living it.
At the same time, she was sort of learning how to deal with real life - bills, people, jobs, etc. She was actually doing really well in general and completing her 12 steps.
Then she ran into a guy she had hung out with 10 years ago who is/was married and a full blown alcoholic. He has left his wife and they are moving into together, but he is still drinking and has told her flat out that he won't stop and she has to live with it.
She now only goes to meeting once a week and has completely given up on the 12 steps.
We, as her family, are really worried that she is going to end up back where she was. And yet, we can't really stop it...she's a grown woman and makes her own decisions.
I know there are many things wrong with this picture, but my main question is
What are her chances of staying sober in this relationship? People who deal with this must have some idea...we are trying to find some hope.
First a million of these
TIA!
and I'm praying your sister doesn't relapse.
Chances of staying sober while in this relationship, I'm not going to lie there's the risk of relapse. "people, places, things" If you're around people, places, things that will trigger a possible relapse chances are you might relapse. I'm not saying 100% that this would happen. Your sister might be strong enough not to let that happen.
I know any client I had always said the same thing, if they were around people, places or things that caused their addiction to first start its what made them have the "urge" to pcik up and use/have a drink. I've seen people who were sober for 15-20 years and relapsed.
Message edited 8/31/2008 11:33:42 AM.
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| Posted 8/31/08 11:32 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
to be completely honest, her chances of staying sober while living with an alcoholic are slim, especially if she is not working the steps
I hope things work out 
Message edited 8/31/2008 11:49:34 AM.
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| Posted 8/31/08 11:49 AM |
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
This is not good, and I will share my thoughts on this. Addiction runs In my family. She will be facing this person everyday. A person who will never support her recovery, and will most probably discourage it because he won't want to be alone in his addiction. He sounds like he has no respect for what she has been through, and will view her abstinence as an attack on his drinking. And If she wants to be with him badly enough she may begin drinking to make it work....I hope this is not the case, but her decision to be with this man seems to be a decision to start drinking again....
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| Posted 8/31/08 2:12 PM |
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Kelly9904
Mommy to 2 amazing little boys
Member since 5/05 9306 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Message edited 1/30/2009 9:42:17 AM.
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| Posted 8/31/08 2:14 PM |
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CAH127
LIF Adult
Member since 7/07 1694 total posts
Name:
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
They say you have to change your whole life and surroundings to stay sober and not to relapse. I have a family member struggling with this now and it is so hard to watch. Since she has been sober for two years, she may have the tools to be able to live with someone like this. But I would think it is not going to be easy.
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| Posted 8/31/08 3:02 PM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
I agree with the others. It doesn't fare well for her. I hope that she will wise up fast before it's too late.
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| Posted 8/31/08 3:19 PM |
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rose825
Best Friends
Member since 6/05 10228 total posts
Name:
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Oh Gerty!! This sucks!!! It is going to be very hard for her, I wont say impossible but very very hard. The fact that she is already going to less meetings is scary and a sign of things to come.
I would tell her your concerns, ask her if you could go to some meetings with her so you can understand how she plans to stay sober and support her.
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| Posted 8/31/08 5:50 PM |
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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Thank you everyone...It's kind of what we figured also.
We have tried the offer of going to meetings with her and have even talked to her sponsor about it. Her sponsor is also against the whole thing but has said that she's going to do what she wants to do. There is really nothing anyone can do about it.
It's just very frustrating cuz we know we are about to watch all her hard work go down the tubes. And she was doing so well, she was really starting to adjust. 
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| Posted 8/31/08 11:50 PM |
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nancy6485
So in love
Member since 10/05 3363 total posts
Name:
Nancy
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
I think if she is truly committed to HERSELF and improving her life than she would understand that this is a bad place for her to put herself.
!
I couldn't agree more. AA & the twelve steps are a way of life and a person really cannot afford to stray away from it without dealing with consequences for their decision. Just because she has "done" the twelve steps really does not mean anything. They are something that is never finished and they must be applied & lived everyday for the rest of a persons life. She may not drink again but old attitudes and behaviors may begin to come back which may in turn lead to a relapse. People, places and things are very important factors in recovery. Like it was said, if she is TRUELY committed to her new sober life & recovery she will realize this is not a good situation to put herself in. Hopefully she can reach out to other AA's and find the support she needs to get through this difficult time. for her & her recovery!
Message edited 9/1/2008 12:59:17 PM.
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| Posted 9/1/08 12:55 PM |
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Terry34
So Grateful for All We Have!
Member since 6/08 1104 total posts
Name:
Terry
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
I will pray for her. I really don't want to be harsh, but I will be honest. Unfortunately, if she makes this choice, I don't think there is very much of a chance of her staying sober. By living with an active alcoholic, she is basically going against every prinicpal the 12 steps teach. They say you need to cut ties with anyone/everything in your former life that was at all connected to the addiction - that includes people/places/things. Unfortunately, I think she is setting herself up for disaster, but I hope to be wrong. Maybe she will realize things on her own and leave this guy before he brings her down with him.
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| Posted 9/1/08 3:49 PM |
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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Posted by Terry34
Maybe she will realize things on her own and leave this guy before he brings her down with him.
I only wish....
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| Posted 9/1/08 10:54 PM |
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Elizabeth
Mom of Three
Member since 9/05 7900 total posts
Name:
"MOMMY!!!"
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
It's a bad situation all around. Someone in recovery cannot benefit from a relationship with someone who is still in full blown addiction mode and being with someone in those circumstances besides the drinking (getting involved with someone married, him leaving his wife) is just not sober behavior. Sorry...I mean, yes it's HIS wife, HIS relationship but to get on with your life and to do the step work means not being perfect but not creating more unmanageable or drama filled situations. Because in the end, it can lead back to the alcohol and/or drug abuse. I hope she does see on her own and get out. I know you do as well but I don't know that they is any way to make her see, she has to see for herself. I hope she is well and stays on course.
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| Posted 9/2/08 11:42 AM |
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Elizabeth
Mom of Three
Member since 9/05 7900 total posts
Name:
"MOMMY!!!"
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Posted by Gertyrae
It's just very frustrating cuz we know we are about to watch all her hard work go down the tubes. And she was doing so well, she was really starting to adjust.
I just want to also add that it doesn't mean her recovery so far is down the tubes. She still has more skills under her belt than she once did to deal with things and those might be the things that save her from other things.
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| Posted 9/2/08 11:45 AM |
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jcbrownie
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/05 879 total posts
Name:
jennifer
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
I'm sorry to say this, but your sister's chances of staying sober while in this relationship are slim to none. Relapse starts before actually taking a drink. By entering this relationship and not going to meetings, it sounds as if she's already relapsed. If she has a sponsor, I would encourage her to talk to him/her. If you and your family have not already gone to Al ANon, I would recommend you go.
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| Posted 9/3/08 8:52 AM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Posted by Gertyrae
Thank you everyone...It's kind of what we figured also.
We have tried the offer of going to meetings with her and have even talked to her sponsor about it. Her sponsor is also against the whole thing but has said that she's going to do what she wants to do. There is really nothing anyone can do about it.
It's just very frustrating cuz we know we are about to watch all her hard work go down the tubes. And she was doing so well, she was really starting to adjust.
I don't think going to meetings with her is a good idea at all. First, they'd have to be open meetings, anyway, and secondly, meetings are a place for recovering (and struggling) alcoholics and addicts go to get support from each other. It's a safe place for them and honestly, I don't think family belongs there except to celebrate an anniversary or sit in on the occasional open meeting. Other than that, it's their territory.
I would consider trying to get her to speak to a counselor and maybe do a family session with a counselor to talk about your concerns. Unfortunately, the bottom line is that your sister is going to do whatever your sister wants to do - whether or not you support it. Her sponsor is right, other than warning her about what will happen, there's not a whole lot you can do to force her to change her mind.
Are you and your other family members going to al-anon meetings? If you're not, I would go. I'm sure that others there will have been through similar experiences and will share their advice and experience with you.
Best of luck. Many hugs and prayers for your family. I know it isn't easy. I'd also be worried about her becoming codependent (if she isn't already)... as I'm sure you know, that's also incredibly damaging.
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| Posted 9/3/08 12:37 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Also, it's normal for recovering addicts to not go to meetings daily after the first few months of recovery -- however, MOST go to more than one meeting per week, though...
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| Posted 9/3/08 12:41 PM |
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MeeshkaMich
LL=Yum
Member since 2/06 5616 total posts
Name:
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Posted by Gertyrae
Thank you everyone...It's kind of what we figured also.
We have tried the offer of going to meetings with her and have even talked to her sponsor about it. Her sponsor is also against the whole thing but has said that she's going to do what she wants to do. There is really nothing anyone can do about it.
It's just very frustrating cuz we know we are about to watch all her hard work go down the tubes. And she was doing so well, she was really starting to adjust.
I wouldn't attend the meetings with her. Honestly unless its an OPEN one you wouldn't be able to attend anyway.
The meetings are meant to be a "safe" place for them. Where they can talk openly and not feel judged or looked upon. I'm not saying you would do that to her, but these meetings are meant for recovering addicts.
However if it will help you, you can attend an Al-anon meeting, these are for family/friends of an individual with an addiction.
I know this must be hard for you, and she's in my prayers and I hope she is strong and will know to walk away from him before its too late.
All you can do is be there for her and be supportive, show her you love her and don't judge her for her decisions.
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| Posted 9/3/08 1:03 PM |
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Chrisnamy
Summer is coming soon
Member since 1/07 3991 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Not drinking is hard enough..but to have it in the house, sounds very scary to me.
I hope your sister stays on the path!
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| Posted 9/10/08 1:54 PM |
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CaseyGirl
Mommy to 3 Boys :)
Member since 5/05 19978 total posts
Name:
Jen - counting my blessings...
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
The fact that she is going forward and making the commitment to live with this guy is in itself a bad sign and signifies to me that she isn't fully living the 12 steps.
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| Posted 9/14/08 5:15 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Spinoff - Re: Alcohol and Drug Recovery
Posted by lipglossjunky73
This is not good, and I will share my thoughts on this. Addiction runs In my family. She will be facing this person everyday. A person who will never support her recovery, and will most probably discourage it because he won't want to be alone in his addiction. He sounds like he has no respect for what she has been through, and will view her abstinence as an attack on his drinking. And If she wants to be with him badly enough she may begin drinking to make it work....I hope this is not the case, but her decision to be with this man seems to be a decision to start drinking again....
Sorry to say I agree with this completely.
Does she have a sponsor to lean on?
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| Posted 9/14/08 9:23 PM |
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