SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Not sure if any of you remember but my mother had a heart attack in the beginning of the year. She has a VERY high pressure job. The beginning of the month - and end of the month are torture for her. She works until midnight during these times.

My mother is also the type to stress over spilled milk so you can only imagine how she is with her job.

I know that this job pays her extremely extremely well - and she gets huge bonuses at the end of the year - that she plans on saving towards retirement - but - I'm just worried that she's heading for another heart attack.

The woman NEVER takes off. She runs around on the weekends like a crazy person. She doesn't know how to chill out ever. I've passed comments before - that she is not in her early 30s like the rest of her coworkers - and she needs to take care of herself. She just gets mad at me.

I just don't want to see her have another heart attack - and this time a worse one - What can I do aboout this if anything?

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

I don't really have any advice, but I have a ton of empathy. My dad is the same way. To the point where he had a heart attack in Atlanta on a business trip (his second) and he faked himself out of the hospital and on a plane HOME!!!!

He is 63, and finally starting to talk about MAYBE retiring in a few years. I think their generation is just VERY driven!!

I feel ya

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

What about your dad talking to her? Can they on vacation, just the two of them for a week or 10 days and maybe your dad can talk to her then?

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Kate - that is crazy about your dad! I hope he starts to slow down soon!!! It's so scary to watch our parents get older.

My dad on the other hand isn't retired but he spends his days at the country club playing golf He's living on easy street - and she's working like a dog lol

She is really like the best employee ever - and I think she's trying to keep up with all of these young bucks (who says "bucks" lol) and she doesn't have her best interest in mind.

I mean - I can't even tell you - god forbid I ask her to take a day off to help me with something (I never would - that's what dad is for) but she would just never do it - not in a million years.

I made a comment to her about wanting to be pregnant next summer so that James could be around to help. And, if it's later than the summer she would need to be here for two weeks. Her comment "I'll get you a baby nurse"--- I don't want a damn baby nurse - I want my mom. But, the thought of her taking off two weeks would be enough to send her off the deep end!

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Posted by Seles81

What about your dad talking to her? Can they on vacation, just the two of them for a week or 10 days and maybe your dad can talk to her then?

Message edited 10/8/2008 7:42:17 PM.

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

i think some people are just wired this way.

People probably wouldn't gues it about me but I have to be doing something at all points during the day unless I'm sleeping. I can't just relax and watch tv. Because the running to do list scrolls in my head...catch up on work e-mails, reconcile the bank account, fold the laundry, write the thank you cards, decorate for halloween, etc.

I thrive off of accomplishment and ticking things off the list. Problem is that the list NEVER ends so it is just a vicious cycle. Work is the worst though, I think I've learned to chill only a little bit but will tell you that from the second we got home from the hospital with matthew i was working again (from home...and NOT even getting paid!) I couldn't let it go. Because let it go only meant that it would fail. Because of course no one knows how to do anything except me (not true but that is how I rationalized it).

My point is, this is probably where she gets her fuel. She thrives on extreme productivity, has probably set unreasonable (by anyone elses standards except hers) standards for herself during her career and now is in a time where she might even want to back away and take time off to spend with you and her grandchildren and her husband but what does that mean to her?....maybe to her it is an age thing and that she fears that people will notice her "slacking off" and attribute it to the fact that she's just getting older. Or she's trying to even overcompensate for it by working even harder than she ever did to prove that she can not only keep up but still kick butt!!!

Has she set any plans for herself for retirement in terms of what age she'd like to retire or have your parents put a plan in place to retire together? Is it anytime soon? I probably would steer clear of the comparisons to younger people because that might be a sore spot for her. I can see why this upsets you so much. I too would be so worried about her health too and be so frustrated that she doens't see it. It's a tough one..but she has to want to stop. She is obviously very strong willed!!!

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Lisa - thank you so much for your response!!

I used to be the same way when I worked in the city - so I understand her work ethic. I would walk in the door after a 12 hour day - and the first thing I would do was check my emails.

I really laid into her tonight. I told her that her health is more important then this job - and I understand her working late when she has the deadlines - but there is no reason to stay when her bosses (who make triple her salary) take the day off to spend time with their kids. She said she understands and will make more of an effort to leave on time. Who knows.

I don't think she will ever be the type of person to just hang around. I just don't want it to take a toll on her again and god forbid something worse happens.

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Diana,

You must be so scared for your Mom. As much as you would love for her to slow down a bit and take it easy, sometimes certain people just can't do it. A dear friends FIL was just the same as your Mom and Kate's Dad. Had to always be on the go and just couldn't relax or slow down a bit. Doctors finally told him he had to slow down and maybe work 1/2 days for his health.

He really became a totally different man after that - and to be honest, his family at that point wished they never said anything. His spirit just deflated and became a person who started dwindling away physically. I met him in Texas one year and remember while not a big man physically - he was huge in personality, friendliness and presence. I will be seeing him the end of January and know to expect a shell of his former self.

As much as you are scared for your Mom and want her around, letting her know your fears time and time again are what you need to do. Especially when she's with Jack. Have you had a heart to heart one-on-one with her? This may be a repeated conversation to have for maybe a year or more before it starts to sink in to her


Good Luck

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Ugh, how stressful this must be for you

I really don't have any advice other than what some others have said, but I *hope* you can get her to slow down to a point where she still feels like she's accomplishing what she needs to but is taking time (albeit not enough I'm sure) to take care of herself and RELAX.

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

If you find the way to tell an Italian woman to sit and take a breath - even for a moment...you must share!

And you know that to some degree you are the same way...I am!

But I agree with pp's - a lot of it is a generational thing and not something easily changed. Add to the fact that she works with younger people - in her mind she feels that she needs to really step up her game and keep up...not realizing that she can knock all their socks off!

My mom was being wheeled into labor and delivery for my sister and barking orders to my dad in this priority:

Call work - let them know she'll be out
Call so-and-so (work) - tell them to do this and this
""
""
""
""
Call my mom to check on the kids

That's just how she was and we had to learn to deal with it. Lead to many fights about her time but it was what it was. Cancer scares never slowed her down - but were even more emotional for us - we had to watch from the outside and all of our attempts to slow her down failed. She was very determined.


When I worked on Wall Street I remember seeing a sign every day that said: Working hours are 9 to 5 - not 5 - 9. And that was when I stopped and looked around...made some changes. But we are children of that old mentality so we rebel...for them it's a part of who they are.

I know it's not comforting but as someone who has been there...there is no changing them.

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Is your mother my father's long lost sibling?

There is honestly nothing you can do - This is who she is and what she loves.
When my Dad finally did slow down a bit, he got very depressed and was not himself at ALL ..........he's back to his normal crazy, happy to be stressed out self - He feels that as long as he feels good and his body will allow him to do all of the things he wants to do, why should he give up his 'life' - He'll have an eternity to rest when he's dead (Nice sentiment right?) But, I guess, it's true -

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

I am sorry to hear about this and I give you lots of Hugs

Maybe you can use Jack--"hey mom, if you dont slow down you are going to miss the best years coming up with Jack".....a little mean, but maybe it will work

Also--maybe try to plan things with her on the weekend that are not stressful--mani pedis, spa appts

Re: SPR - A vent of some sorts - and long - sorry!

Thank you everyone for your advice!

I really appreciate it!