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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Staying together for the kids
When BOTH people are unhappy and fighting, saying hurtful things to each other
thoughts?
I , personally think it is more damaging to the child to be in that environment. How do you know when it is time to walk away?
I am trying to give good advice and just want some feedback from my girls
TIA 
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Posted 7/11/08 8:55 PM  |
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saraH
happy birthday sweet kate!
Member since 5/05 16555 total posts
Name:
I know that God exsists, I held her in my arms...
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Re: Staying together for the kids
I agree, I don't think it's healthy for anyone to stay together if you are both miserable.
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| Posted 7/11/08 8:56 PM |
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dooodles
When you wish upon a star
Member since 5/05 11997 total posts
Name:
Because 2 people fell in love
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Re: Staying together for the kids
That is a very hard and personal decision for any couple to make.
I too feel that if the marriage is beyond repair, staying together for the sake of the children is not always the best option. Growing up in an unhappy and unhealthy enviornment is confusing and upsetting to children. There were times I wished my parents had gotten divorced when things got bad because of all the yelling and arguing going on.
Again, that is just my opinion and I do know of situations where therapy did wonders for the couple and things improved - but sadly that is not always the case
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| Posted 7/11/08 8:59 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Posted by dooodles
I do know of situations where therapy did wonders for the couple and things improved - but sadly that is not always the case
especially if one person refuses to go to therapy....would rather be abusive (verbally, emotionally) and angry all the time 
Message edited 7/11/2008 9:04:52 PM.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:01 PM |
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jules
Changing everyday
Member since 1/08 2281 total posts
Name:
julia
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Re: Staying together for the kids
i never understood the concept to be honest.
Staying together for the kids, while you are obviously unhappy. A child picks up and LEARNS from everything. Even things we don't even realize.
Being miserable is not the message i want to send to my child. Not unless i was in marraige counseling and truly wanted to save my marraige.
Message edited 7/11/2008 9:13:23 PM.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:06 PM |
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DancinBarefoot
06ers Rock!!
Member since 1/07 9534 total posts
Name:
The One My Mother Gave Me ;-)
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Re: Staying together for the kids
It's not healthy. If a couple wants to stay together then they should get themselves into counseling and find a way to make it work, or find a way to get divorced with as little animosity as possible.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:09 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Coming from such family I can remember the toxic environment like it was yesterday.
My parents argued ALL THE TIME. I cannot remember my dad ever talking about my mom in a loving way. The arguments, my dad packing his stuff (but never actually left!!!) at each argument, the yelling, etc... I will spare alll the nasty action and words that were said. All that when all of us (the kids) were witness of this.
My parents ended up divorcing after 32 years of marriage.
What is strange is that this is the environment I knew. I knew my dad did not like my mom anymore. Yet, I could not imagine my parents divorcing. The thought of it terrified me and my sister. We held a "family meeting" with my sister and I was the spokeperson. I was about 9 or 10 and I told my parents that my sister and I would be terrors to my dad's girlfriend if he had one. That we would be horrible to her, not do our bed (we thought it was a huge deal at the time not to do our bed  ). That we knew she would be innocent but regardless we would be horrible to her. My parents looked at each other and they calmed down for 2 days. Then were back at it again.
We had 2 more siblings that came years later. All while my parents kept arguing.
To this day, I am glad they finally divorced but I still cannot imagine I wanted them to divorce when I was living in my house. I was more terrified to be in a split house.
BUT I can tell you how much it has affected my view on marriage, relationship, what I am willing to put up with or not.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:11 PM |
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dooodles
When you wish upon a star
Member since 5/05 11997 total posts
Name:
Because 2 people fell in love
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Posted by stephanief
Posted by dooodles
I do know of situations where therapy did wonders for the couple and things improved - but sadly that is not always the case
especially if one person refuses to go to therapy....would rather be abusive (verbally, emotionally) and angry all the time
if one person refuses and is abusive - time to go
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:11 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Posted by dooodles
Posted by stephanief
Posted by dooodles
I do know of situations where therapy did wonders for the couple and things improved - but sadly that is not always the case
especially if one person refuses to go to therapy....would rather be abusive (verbally, emotionally) and angry all the time
if one person refuses and is abusive - time to go
I agree and when I say abusive, I mean calling her a c*nt, a f*cking b*tch, etc.....nasty stuff
Message edited 7/11/2008 9:17:25 PM.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:17 PM |
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pmpkn087
Life is good...
Member since 9/05 18504 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Staying together for the kids
I agree, and think that you are only doing more damage.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:41 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Posted by smdl
Coming from such family I can remember the toxic environment like it was yesterday.
Same here.
I don't know if my parents stayed together for the kids or just because neither one of them could afford to leave, but either way, they didn't do us any favors by staying together.
Just last month- my youngest brother turned 18 on June 29th, and my parents signed divorce papers on June 30th. It was so many years overdue.
I consider myself lucky in the sense that i had other people & influences in my life that offered more stability. My brother and sister didn't though, and the effects of that are so evident on so many levels.
It's such a significant time for development and, imo, it's impossible for a child to develop healthy behavioral patterns if s/he's surround by toxic examples.
I would fight to the end for my marriage, but I've also told DH, in no uncertain terms (and he agrees), that if we ever turn into *that* couple- it's over. We both deserve more out of life than that, and so do our (non-existant  ) kids.
Message edited 7/11/2008 9:46:37 PM.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:46 PM |
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Re: Staying together for the kids
What an awful situation....I feel that, especially in this particular situation, the worst thing they could do would be to stay together. They are only doing the children harm.
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| Posted 7/11/08 9:46 PM |
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patti08
Happy
Member since 5/05 3893 total posts
Name:
Patti
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Re: Staying together for the kids
My parents split when my brother and I were in our 20's. It should have happened when we were much much younger. We all would have been much happier.
We witnessed so many fights and so much hostility and coldness between our parents we both wanted them to get divorced about 15 years before they did.
I can't speak for every family but staying together for the sake of the kids was a mistake my parents made.
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| Posted 7/11/08 10:07 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: Staying together for the kids
I don't have anything new to contribute- but also feel that there is NO reason to stay together for the sake of children.
Why continue the pattern of misery?
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| Posted 7/11/08 10:08 PM |
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nickipa
love my boys!
Member since 4/06 5648 total posts
Name:
Nicki
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Re: Staying together for the kids
My parents divorced when my sister and I were very young.....I don't even remember them together, I might have been 2. Looking at them now, I can't imagine them ever together and they still have a pretty strong dislike for each other all these years later(they really don't even like to be in the same room, but tolerated it for my wedding & DS). I honestly feel I was better off with them apart--they are much happier now, both remarried. If they had stayed together for us I'm sure they would have been miserable and it would have in turn affected us. I haven't always felt this way, when I was younger I felt it was unfair, I had to travel a lot (they lived 3.5 hour drive apart) to see my dad, but I think they did what was best for us in the long run
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| Posted 7/11/08 10:27 PM |
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Palebride
I am an amazing bakist
Member since 5/05 13673 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Clearly that isn't a good environment for a child to be in! How will that child ever grow up to respect either parent? Someone needs to leave. Quick.
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| Posted 7/11/08 11:47 PM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Honestly, my parents stayed together for a while because of us kids and it was the worst decision they could have made. They definitely did more damage and if they had asked us what we wanted... we would have told them to separate sooner. I was about 10 years old when they finally separated, but even at 10... i knew they were horrible together and they just made the home life for us even worse.
Trust me... i was 10 and sitting by the air vents listening to them fight.
I'm sure the kids can hear them argue and it's not healthy to hear that! Parents always think that the kids are in the dark, but they're not. They pick up on things and are smarter than we give them credit for.
Message edited 7/12/2008 9:27:24 AM.
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| Posted 7/12/08 9:25 AM |
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debsey75
My two best friends!
Member since 11/06 5879 total posts
Name:
Debbie
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Re: Staying together for the kids
I would think they are doing more damage to the children by staying together if neither one wants to be in the relationship. 
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| Posted 7/12/08 9:29 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Staying together for the kids
I don't think staying together for the kids sake is ever a good idea. I grew up in a house like that and it was very hard and scarring.
It was said somewhere that the best thing you can do for your children is to love each other.
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| Posted 7/12/08 9:43 AM |
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cjik
Welcome 2010!
Member since 2/06 8879 total posts
Name:
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Re: Staying together for the kids
Not a good idea IMO. My parents were like this when I was young, and I remember wishing they would split up--I thought they would both be happier. I think this is part of the reason I had relationship issues when I was young also.
I think it's good for couples to give things some time and try to resolve problems, but never good to stay together for the children.
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| Posted 7/12/08 9:20 PM |
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MeeshkaMich
LL=Yum
Member since 2/06 5616 total posts
Name:
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Re: Staying together for the kids
ugh I have an ex who was like this, he had grown up in an abusive home and I stayed with him because he would apologize and the abuse had just been verbal at that point, but then one day the physical threats , the pushing around and him throwing things and the apologizes stopped and alll he would do is blame me or anyone else for HIS problems. no children involved so it was easy to physically move, but emotionally it took its toll on me for awhile. I still have days whereI'll remember things he did (things i had blocked out while with him) There is no excuse for any type of abuse physical, verbal, emotional, mental its all abuse and its awful. No one should have to live that way.  I will pray for the person who has to go through this and I hope they will be alright. EVen if her spouse doesnt want to go to counseling I suggest she go to counseling for herself
ETA: the ex I mentioned, lived in a house where there waas abuse and it took its toll on the kids , and sadly it affected all the children in different ways
Message edited 7/12/2008 9:46:08 PM.
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| Posted 7/12/08 9:41 PM |
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nbc188
Best friends!
Member since 12/06 23090 total posts
Name:
C
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Re: Staying together for the kids
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| Posted 7/12/08 9:43 PM |
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ckone
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 3014 total posts
Name:
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Re: Staying together for the kids
It's a hard one because there are a lot of factors to leaving of course. Will the kids have to leave their home? Is there some way to separate for a little while and go to therapy in the interum? Exhaust all options first.
Kids pick up more than we think. Are the kids starting to act out? Some become angry with one parent, others fight horribly with each other, others become depressed. You have to do what you feel would be best for the kids are this time.
I think that a small separation while trying to work through things is a good option.
It's such a hard thing.
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| Posted 7/12/08 10:02 PM |
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