the impact of losing your mother?

I know this is a very har for you to talk about and I just want to say first that I am so sorry for all of your losses. I have just lost my 36 year old sister to breast cancer. She has 3 yound children, a 7 year old daughter, and 2 boys ages 5 and 3.
My question is how did it impact you losing your mom at a young age? I am trying to really be there for the kids. The boys seem to be doing okay but my neice just seems different. When I ask her if she is ok she always say yes. I always let her know that I am there fore her if she ever need to talk about anything. I just feel so bad for her. I just can't imagine what it must be like to lose your mom at such a young age. I know how hard it is to lose a sister, and I know it doesn't come close to your mom. Thanks everyone. ANd again I am sorry for your loss.

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

First off I am soooo sorry for your loss and I want to let you know that you are doing a great job just by being there for your neice and nephews. I am not sure that I can really help to answer your question, because although I was young, I was not really an adolescent. There is a great book called "Motherless Daughters".... I'm not sure that a 7 year old would really want to read it, but maybe you could read it, just to get some sort of sense of what she/they are going through. The best advice I can give you is to think about what you need your own mom for and the moments that are going to be sooo important for her to have a close female to rely on. And talk about her your sister to her... I know its hard, but that will be the only way to help her heal and at the same time to keep her alive.

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

Thanks so muh for your advise. I will look into buying that book. THanks again

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

Anytime!

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

I just wanted to let you know that my aunt turned out to be such an integral part of my life after my mom died. She lives in Virginia but was always a phone call away. Now, as an aduly, I realize that she really did give my mom such a gift by becoming such an important person in my life. You sister's children are lucky to have you!

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

i was 8 when i lost my mother, and I too, had the same reaction as your niece. Always told people i was fine. And honestly, I really dont know if i was. I remember crying when my father told me "God had to take her." But then i was out playing an hour later. I dont think I had the capacity to mourn her right away. Maybe I didnt fully understand. I do remember one night crying for her (dont know how much time elapsed since her passing) and my brothers were telling me, "she is here, she is always with you." And i was hysterical screaming "WHY CANT I SEE HER THEN?" I didnt understand how she could be with me, but yet i couldnt see her. My Grandmother had to rock me in her arms that night for hours until I calmed down. My father was of no value either, and I had no older female to turn to. It was so hard. I def think that you are doing a great thing by being there for the kids. I wish someone was there for me and my brothers. I would also suggest counseling for the children to help them deal with their grief and help in the mourning process. I did not receive that, and till this day I feel guilty about this unhealed wound that i carry around. Each day I live is a reminder that she is not here to live it with me. I wish your family all the best..

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

I wasn't young when I lost my Mom. I was 24-25, but at the same time I always felt like a little girl around my Mom. When I get down thinking how I feel cheated not having my Mom at my wedding or with my when I have children I think of how incredibly lucky I was to have her as long as I did. I truly cannot imagine how different my life would have been like without my Mom all those years. My heart breaks for those that lost their Moms at such a young age.

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

I am sorry for your loss........You are doing a wonderful thing being there for your niece and nephew. I lost my mom when i was almost 10 and I have to say I agree with everything CHEE CHEE said I never really mourned the loss of my mother until later. I rememebr breaking down my freshmen year of HS ,for some reason that is when the full capacity of it all became clear. She had not been there for 8th grade graduation and then starting high school, the prom, it just all came to a head. Luckily I had older sisters who pretty much helped in raising me after that. Of course nothing could come close but they did their best. There is a book that my mom gave me when i was like 5 (she was sick my entire life) its called The fall of Freddy the leaf its a book about a tree whos leaves turn color and fall off in the fall ...it explains death to young children.That might be worth looking into.
for your niece and nephews, and you and your entire family

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

Dee, I'd like to first of all tell you how deeply I am sorry for the loss of your sister. I wanted to send along a message to you because my sisters and I were similar ages to your niece and nephews when we lost our mother. I was 15 months old, and my two sisters were 3 and 6. 27 years later, it's easy to look back and be angry at people for not doing the right thing, but who knows what to do in such a tragic situation? I give you much credit for looking out for the best emotional interest for the children.
My oldest sister, 6 went to therapy for only a little while, and tells me today that she knows she would have benefitted in being in it for awhile. She looked forward to it as a young child, because it was the only place, really that someone would listen and she could make some sense of something that really didn't make any sense to her in her new life without her mother. My Dad was emotionally involved in his own grief, of course. He is actually JUST NOW, 27 years later wanting to talk about my mother. It was just too painful for all of these years, and he did not get what we were going through. WE didn't even get what we were going through. I think counseling for us ALL at a young age would have been beneficial. Each year I would mature, and comprehend the loss at a different level, in a different way. It's been a life of figure out life.
My Mom not being there, practically my whole life, it was like the elephant in the room for me on each big day or special occasion or accomplishment I achieved. I always wondered what she would say, or think of me, or how SHE was at my age. It will be a life-long struggle, but I think the best thing that you could do for the children is to tell stories of their Mom when she was their age, or simply reassure them that she would have been proud of them. I'm sure it must be extremely difficult for you, too, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. You knew their Mother in a way they will always yearn to know her. Share ALL those stories with them. I wish someone had with me. Every bit more I learn about my Mom truly helps me heal. Share how much they remind you of her, etc. My sisters and I always fight over who looks the most like my Mother, because we so badly want a piece of her. We depend on photos and stories (even though we don't have much of either) to get an idea of who she was, and in turn to help us understand who WE are. I also have read the Motherless Daughters book, and it may give you some wonderful insight. I hope I helped you at all, please feel free to contact me with any other concerns. Sorry to ramble on... once I get going...so much to say
Also, I don't want to underestimate what you must be going through. My best friend lost her brother (he was 21) a few years ago. (We can actually relate on so many crazy levels). If you'd consider beginning a sibling loss chat, please let me know, I think she'd benefit from that, also. I wish you and your family all the best. And again, I am truly sorry for your loss.
Elena

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

Thank you all for your wonderful advise. I truly believe that the kids would benefit from therapy, but their dad does not believe in it He is a very private person and really talks to them a lot about what happened (He likes to deal with it himself). I think it would help at least their daughter to go talk to someone. I think it is easier to talk to a stranger sometimes over a family member. I really hope their dad changes his mind one day and takes them to see someone.
I have tons of pictures of them with their mom that I have to give them so they can always remember her. I guess its just really harder right now on everyone since this all happened 2 days before Easter, then it was mothers day, then their 9th year wedding anniversary, their dads b-day, the 3 year olds b-day (all within the past 2 months). Now on Sat, its my nieces dance recital. I guess there are just so many things that always remind you that she is not there to celebrate with us. I have a hard time talking about it with them right now, I cry every time I think of her, but I try to hold it in when I am with them. But I am defiantly going to get those books you all recommended and keep them at my house and we will look at them when they stay with me.
Thanks again

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My sister went to see someone- it really helped her alot- she was the youngest one and was told the least of what was going on- so she really had a tough time

she is much better now-

Re: the impact of losing your mother?

Sorry to crash your board, but I just wanted to give you all big

I think you are all courageous, strong and loving women and I'm proud of you.

My mom is here, but I think about her everyday and when the time comes how I will cope now as an adult. I can only theorize how it would be as a much younger person.

My hats are off to you..