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The Ladies Room

Posted By Message

FireIslandLove

Member since 5/05

12119 total posts

Name:

The Ladies Room

Long, but worth the read...

My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain. When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't. So you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow ***** everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely at them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you needed it?) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

*************

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (Rest? You've got to be kidding!). And it finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It's so the other person can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door. Chat Icon

Amen, sister.

Posted 7/13/06 2:10 PM
 
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource

IluvBo
NICKY & EVIE

Member since 6/05

3321 total posts

Name:
Rose

Re: The Ladies Room

OMG I almost fell off my chair laughing. How true.......amen sister!Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 2:14 PM
 

MABLE03
I <3 SATC

Member since 6/06

4563 total posts

Name:
Fabulous

Re: The Ladies Room

Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 2:15 PM
 

dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!

Member since 10/05

11561 total posts

Name:
Dina

Re: The Ladies Room

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Posted 7/13/06 2:16 PM
 

Snozberry
I might steal your diamonds

Member since 2/06

4680 total posts

Name:
Melissa

Re: The Ladies Room

So true Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon I've definitely done the purse around the neck!

Posted 7/13/06 2:16 PM
 

munchkinbugs
My little loves!

Member since 1/06

8093 total posts

Name:
Lisa

Re: The Ladies Room

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon So true!!!

Posted 7/13/06 2:21 PM
 

Kate07
Feel better my little guy!

Member since 5/05

4476 total posts

Name:
Kate

Re: The Ladies Room

Tell it like it is Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 2:33 PM
 

lilly
LIF Infant

Member since 1/06

313 total posts

Name:
Lilly

Re: The Ladies Room

OMG, that was awesome!! (And yet, so frighteningly true in so many ways!) Thanks for posting it! Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 2:35 PM
 

lilacwine
only love...

Member since 5/05

2034 total posts

Name:
<3

Re: The Ladies Room

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It still kills me that the woman who invented the clip to keep the bathroom stall shut didn't win American Inventor.

Posted 7/13/06 2:37 PM
 

lilacwine
only love...

Member since 5/05

2034 total posts

Name:
<3

Re: The Ladies Room

...because I'm still laughing...

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Posted 7/13/06 2:38 PM
 

AimeeE2006
Time flies!

Member since 1/06

5698 total posts

Name:
Aimee

Re: The Ladies Room

Oh god - I had my fair share of disgustingly gross toilets in college bars where there was no toilet paper and the seats were nasty...and we always went into the stalls in pairs...ah, the good ole days!

Posted 7/13/06 2:51 PM
 

CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(

Member since 5/05

13848 total posts

Name:
Christine

Re: The Ladies Room

I thought of an email I got warning me never to put my purse on the bathroom floor and that women's purses are filled with bacteriaChat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 3:03 PM
 

Shroggie
Don't Worry...Be Happy

Member since 5/06

6261 total posts

Name:

Re: The Ladies Room

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

So true

Posted 7/13/06 3:04 PM
 

nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.

Member since 7/05

57538 total posts

Name:

Re: The Ladies Room

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
Now if you could just throw in a moving rush hour train...Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 3:06 PM
 

joenick
Us

Member since 6/06

9370 total posts

Name:
Valerie...aka...Do Me A Favor?

Re: The Ladies Room

Posted by lilacwine

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It still kills me that the woman who invented the clip to keep the bathroom stall shut didn't win American Inventor.



That was the absolute BEST invention. I was so mad she didn't win! I would've bought 4!!

Posted 7/13/06 3:09 PM
 

jilmadison
Another on the way!

Member since 3/06

1267 total posts

Name:

Re: The Ladies Room

cute Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 3:12 PM
 

puppylove
LIF Adolescent

Member since 10/05

561 total posts

Name:
Summer

Re: The Ladies Room

Cute post! It had me laughing so hard, it is SO true! Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 3:23 PM
 

calendargrl
LIF Adult

Member since 5/05

1686 total posts

Name:
jan

Re: The Ladies Room

lolChat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 4:14 PM
 

june262004
But I love the Snow!

Member since 5/05

15379 total posts

Name:
Kristin

Re: The Ladies Room

omg Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 7/13/06 4:18 PM
 
 

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