Those of you that have kids with DH...

How does the dynamic work with your step children v. your children with DH? I am so afraid that when we have kids they are going to get the shaft b/c of DH's guilt with SD. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so not ready to have kids. So I'm just wondering how you find it has worked out now that you have children and step kids?

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

I am due next month and I have worried about this as well, because his kids can be quite dramatic when they want to be I will let you know

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

Let me see how I can put this- A Good dad is a good dad

With that being said, in lieu of the craziness that my SD's mom has caused that hurt my SD relationship with my DH, as of the past 2 years, My SD was a very special part of our family...When DS arrived nothing changed as far as how my DH treated my DS- a good dad is a good dad- SD was around for the 1st year of my DS's life and never did I in any way feel that my son got slighted in the least, nor did his relationship with SD change...In reality, my DS spent more time with DH simply because he lives with us full time so they if anything, had an even closer bond, just by that....The one thing that I could see happening is in the way of discipline, because often times dads feel that with the time they spend with their non-residental children, they want the times to be all good ones and don't always do a good job in that department..I didnt end up encountering that because my DS was only a toddler when my SD's mom sabotaged her (sorry for the harsh word, but thats what happened)... You'll see, everythinbg will work out !!!

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

I can tell you from my own experience, but I have to say my DD is a little infant who isn't really seeking DH out yet... DH loves his baby girl with me, but to answer your question... YES, DH has so much guilt surrounding SS that when he is around - DH belongs to SS, at least for now. It's always been this way... I can't get a word in edgewise and DD is left for me to take care of when he's around at this point. DD is 3 months old so I don't think DH realizes it, but the moment she's pushed aside when she's old enough to vye for his attention, believe you and me... DH better get his act together and get over it. DD and I will have to have some talks I think eventually if that doesn't change - among other things. I don't think it's fair for her to sit on the side b/c DH is with her more and he has no guilt issues (I'll give him plenty to feel guilty about if I see he isn't sharing his time equally). She's a little baby and SS is almost a teen now. Either that or SS will become more independent hopefully and not seek DH's attention - he's very whiny and needy at this point still. DH's family has made SS feel quite awkward at times so I can't say I blame him for not wanting to hang around them and instead seeking DH's undivided attention. If it gets bad for DD then I'll intervene by not involving her in his visits. Sorry, my kid is my responsibility and she shouldn't have to suffer b/c DH got involved in a mess long ago that she nor I had anything to do with.

Even tonight DH was on the phone with SS while I was getting DD ready for bed. I have work to do so he said he'd give her a bottle... well after waiting 10 minutes past the time she was put in her PJ's I'm wondering where the heck DH is... on the phone with SS. So her meal got delayed for a phone conversation. Call him back... it's summer for crying out loud and I'm sure biomom has him up till all hours of the night. And people think that the kids in the new marriage are the spoiled ones At least tell me your going to be on the phone so I'm not making the poor baby wait... I could have started the feeding.

I think that if and when it happens - like everything else - you have to be able to discuss your feelings with factual info (examples of DH's behavior favoring one child over the other). I agree a great dad is a great dad, but little one's don't understand things and guilt is a very powerful emotion... in DH's case it outweighs love when it comes to decision making. He's a great dad, but I think he tries to prove it to SS more b/c biomom bad mouths DH and doesn't alert him to stuff going on. I can't even keep track of the things DH said he'd attend for SS just give him the date, time and place... well they give him the details an hour before the event is starting... makes DH look really, really bad and SS gets mad. Very foolish on biomom's part if you ask me... but this is part of her game to prove to SS that daddy would forget about HIM when the baby came. So she can say "told you so" when DH can't make something b/c he's given notice at the last minute. I guess he's supposed to sit home on his *ss waiting for SS to call at any possible moment... sorry to ramble.

Message edited 8/20/2008 9:43:26 PM.

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

I worried about this plenty while I was pregnant with our son. My SD was, (and still is a little bit) super clingy to my husband. She used to depend on him to entertain her every minute she was over our house (understandable to an extent because of the divorce situation). I used to worry that DH wouldn't show our child enough attention or that he'd have a stronger love for his daughter because of guilt and the situation. Boy was I ever wrong! My DH loves both of his children equally, and it shows! He truly is a "superdad"! He splits his time equally between both of them and is just as enthusiastic to spend time with our son as he is with his daughter. It has really worked out very well. SD is GREAT with our son. There is a 7 1/2 year age difference between them. She loves playing wih him! It has all worked out a lot better than I thought it would. I agree. A good dad is a good dad no matter what!

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

DH can't be bothered with DS (who is 4 months old) when SS is here. He doesn't change him or give him bottles. I keep him in the bathroom when I take a shower. He can't even do that. When I need to go out he suddenly has to make plans to take them out. I don't feel comfortable with that. This is going to be the cause of a divorce if this keeps up. He called SS (who is 7)three times from the delivery room. On the way home from the hospital he decided that he would just drop us off at the door so that he could get SS. I started crying and he ended up getting his parents to do it. It's really not working out. Good luck. FM if you have any questions.

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

DH and I actually discussed these possible issues before DS was born.

I have my own girls. They have a wonderful relationship with DH. They understand that when his DDs are here that they need to back off a bit and let them see their Dad.

I was concerned b/c he is his DS and shouldnt have to back off to give his sisters one on one time everytime they are here...Basically we figured that one on one time would be away from the house or when DS was either sleeping or out with me...

Fortunately for us it never became an issue b/c DSDs love their brother dearly...Any issues that we do have dont involve anything with DS at all.

My DH is a wonderful father. Yes he does have guilt for leaving etc...but he isnt going to allow his guilt to interfere with his relationship with DS.

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

The hardest part was time. Dh worked so much after Cailen was born and had to divvy up his time with everyone. Getting his daughters on certain nights, pick them up, drop them off, it was tough. He barely saw Cailen. But dh had to adjust to being a ft dad again to an infant. He ignored Cailen as an infant but as Cailen became more interactive no one could ignore him. His sisters adore him and he lights up when they come over so thank god there is no resentment between them. There is just less time for everyone, and of course, money.....

Re: Those of you that have kids with DH...

I don't agree with it being okay to ignore even an infant just b/c it's the child they live with. I was an older sib and had to sacrifice time with parent's from time to time and no one apologized to me. I'm glad my DH spends time with DD as much as he can now that I pointed this "fault" out. I actually prefer him to spend alone time with SS and keep SS busy when we are around b/c he's too rambunctious with DD and she could get hurt... but he takes DD for walks by himself and it taking Friday off this week to spend the day with DD. She's only 4 months old (not even). It's very important that even the babies get attention.

Message edited 8/24/2008 2:23:37 PM.