What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

That it starts to become destructive?

We all know that Alex is the "spirited" type. I know that it comes from the fact that she's super stubborn, independent, strong willed and intelligent.

But, lately, with the terrible two's it's getting out of hand. So much so that her teacher cornered me this morning to discuss how impossible Alex has become when it comes to routine tasks. If anyone DARES to even extend a hand of help she goes ballistic screaming "I DO IT", swatting at the person, and just falling into an extreme temper tantrum.

I fear my method of dealing with her is not working. I'm finding it difficult to mediate between allowing her to express and find her own independence by doing things for herself, and at the same time, teaching her that there are TIMES when she cannot do it for herself and has to obey the authority figure when they intervene to assist.

Any creative ideas here?

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

I don't have much advice but you have my sympathy. DS (just turned 2 this week) is VERY INDEPENDENT. This morning we had a typical meltdown because Mommy "helped" push the high chair from one room to another, when that is historically HIS domain. Arrrrgh.

You let this kid do something himself ONE TIME, that's it, you're never allowed to intervene again. On the one hand I really like how independent he is and how he WANTS to do things himself... it seems like a good healthy attitude. But come on, don't get so frustrated if someone helps!!

The one thing I found that works a LITTLE is to sort of give him an advance warning that you're going to help. I don't know why that works. Like in the high chair situation, I just mindlessly grabbed it out of his reach and started pushing. But if I had thought about it, let him push some, then said "Ok, it's Mommy's turn now, I'm going to help push it too!" before reaching to do it, I found that mitigates the tantrums a bit.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

Have you tried the approach where she gets to do something on her own and then you must finish. Like "OK Alex, you have 1 minute to start putting your shoes on and then Mommy will help you finish." Then when that minute it up distract her by telling her how great she did doing it by herself blah blah...keeping her engage and minimizing the obvious help you are giving her?

That works sometimes in our house. Give them the opportunity to try but clear notice that you're coming to help.

Good luck

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by ddunne2

Have you tried the approach where she gets to do something on her own and then you must finish. Like "OK Alex, you have 1 minute to start putting your shoes on and then Mommy will help you finish." Then when that minute it up distract her by telling her how great she did doing it by herself blah blah...keeping her engage and minimizing the obvious help you are giving her?

That works sometimes in our house. Give them the opportunity to try but clear notice that you're coming to help.

Good luck

I've tried this, and I've tried giving her notice. For example, last night, she had to brush her teeth. I told her she can brush her teeth first and then mommy will help finish. But,the second I reached over to even touch the toothbrush to HELP she want ape-shiat on me. I can't even begin to describe how ugly she gets.

My method of dealing with it retroactively is I put her in timeout everytime she does this and after she calms down I explain to her that sometimes she can't do things by herself and she has to let mommy to help.

And after I explain that to her, she starts crying "But I do it myself"

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

No advice but just wanted to say I am going through the exact same stuff with Alyssa (she will be 2 in JUne) Its making for some very LONG days

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

I have no advice, but I am bookmarking this thread as I found it very helpful. My DD is the SAME way. She is so impopssible at times, I often wonder when I'll reach my breaking point.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

Posted by chmlengr

I have no advice, but I am bookmarking this thread as I found it very helpful. My DD is the SAME way. She is so impopssible at times, I often wonder when I'll reach my breaking point.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

I am going through the same thing. It is hard because there have been times when I need to do the dishes or something and I let Hailey do something herself. Then there is a big mess and next time I try to help her and she flips. All I can say is I am working on being consistent. And if she flips out, I just let her and then I cry later because I am exhausted from a really long day. I also make sure I let her do things too, like emptying the dishwasher, I take all of the knives and glass out first, then she is allowed to help. Sorry not much advice.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

With my strong willed charming daughter, I avoid saying that she needs my help. She responds strongly to that word because its saying she can't do it. We talk about turns instead, which doesn't seem to ruffle her feathers as much.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

I have the same problem. Jordana is quick ot ask for help when she needs it, but doesn't want it offered. I had the same fight about brushing teeth with her yesterday.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

Honestly, my DD was the same way when she was entering into her 2's. Nothing I tried worked on her, and it got so frustrating and rather embarrasing at times. All I can say is that at around 2 and a half, it started to taper off, and now she still has her moments, but it looks like she is headed in the right direction.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

I am speaking solely from working with other kids, and not my own... since I definitely can see Cailen, at 11 mts old, heading down this same road (and probably before he is 2, I'm afraid) I will see how well I do with these strategies, but even though these are used mostly with special needs kids, I am definitely planning on using these for my own son, so maybe they will help some of you guys too...

For the kids you can talk to - somewhat, maybe you can establish what jobs are theirs and theirs alone, and what jobs they need to "share" with mommy and daddy. So, a job that is ONLY theirs would be (insert whatever you don't give a crap about) and the jobs you "share" are the ones like getting dressed, eating, pushing in your chair, etc....

AND - incorporate a sticker chart for following these rules - so, they get a sticker for their all alone jobs, and a sticker for sharing their job. 3 stickers and they get that pony they always wanted, or something equally as awesome....

INSTEAD of counting to 3, get a timer. Then the ownus is off of the bad-guy mommy, and on that M*F*er timer... BUT - when the timer beeps, and you are all done, you get a sticker, or something else awesome....

I am a firm believer in under reacting for the most part. Cailen already tantrums, and I just walk away from him. I refuse to even look at him, and since it takes 2 to tango, its no fun if mommy isn't playing my game, so at least for now, he stops and toddles over to me with his arms up and snot all over his face for a kiss and hug (which he doesn;t get until he chills out for another second - I'm tough!)

Hope some of these ideas help - like I said - these have worked with "someone else's kids" but I do practice what I preach.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

Posted by SuzyQ

Posted by chmlengr

I have no advice, but I am bookmarking this thread as I found it very helpful. My DD is the SAME way. She is so impopssible at times, I often wonder when I'll reach my breaking point.

same here. Lily's still young for it, but she's already showing signs of an indpendent, strong willed streak. I have a feeling I'm in trouble.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

We go through this with D a lot. She has complete meltdowns when she wants to do something and I have to help her. The other day she hit me and was pretty mean because I wet her washcloth and she didn't get to do it. Honestly I have tried to explain to her when she uses her words and explains what she wants without crying or a fit then she can probably have her way but when she does that it doesn't work at all. FINALLY now at almost 3 I can tell you we are STARTING to get that through her head. Now she starts to puff up and get angry I tell her D mommy will not listen to you until you use your words so if you cry or throw a fit we are definitely doing it my way.

Sadly I had to stop telling her to chill out because she now tells my husband that every time he talks.

Re: What do you do with a child who is so fiercly independent and strong willed?

I give DD 2 open ended choices - She gets to the count of 3 to decide which she wants. If I get to 3 I either take something away for the day (or 1/2 day - depends on what was going on). Or she gets a time out. For things like brushing teeth - I have 2 tooth brushes - She gets one and I get one. I finish the brushing - to distract her, I let her brush my teeth.
Like anything else - It works for the most part, but sometimes it doesn't.