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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
DH just received a phone call (voicemail) from one of his sisters (he has three-all of them are older than him by 10, 12 and 14 years) mentioning that she and the other sisters, his mother and his neice (who is 14 months younger than myself) are going to the city on Wednesday for a "girls day" they are staying over night etc-he wasn't really sure what else they are doing. My feelings were really hurt by this because I was never invited and I feel like I should be considered one of the girls since we are married (we are married 6 months)
{A little background-we live in an apartment off of his mothers house (she spends half the year in florida) however, her and I do not have the best relationship because of some hurtful things she has said to me in the past. I am respectful and courteous when I see her-I say hello and how are you etc. but nothing more than that. She is not a "loving" mother-Dh used to live down the street from her in an apartment and she never once went to the apartment in the 6 years. I have always thought that his sisters were ok with me-the one sister who most likely organized the event has invited us over to dinner several times in recent months and we have even spent the night a few times. His neice and I are very friendly-she was in my bridal party and she is now getting married and I am in hers and will be going dress shopping with her since her mother told her she "doesn't have the time"}
To be honest I probably would not have gone because I wouldn't be able to take two days off of work, but its more that I am hurt that I wasn't even invited. DH made a comment when I said something "Yah like you would've gone anyway" and I got upset and told him that he should be on my side. I tried to explain myself to him and he says he understands I gave him the example of if my brothers and my father and nephews did something like that to him wouldn't he be hurt? I also mentioned that if that would happen I would've said to my father/brother whomever that they should have invited him and question why they did not etc. He said he is going to call his sister now, but I dont want to make a scene because I am already the outsider, my MIL already always has negative things to say about me and I feel this really wont help my cause at all, but at the same time am very upset. I just needed to vent. Ok vent over.. Thanks for listening!
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Posted 5/7/06 5:22 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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NewYawkah
2012--A year of new beginnings
Member since 5/05 4402 total posts
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I'm sorry. Families can really stink sometimes!!!
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| Posted 5/7/06 5:26 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
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| Posted 5/7/06 5:28 PM |
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Diane
Hope is Contagious....catch it
Member since 5/05 30683 total posts
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D
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Yes, I would have been hurt as well, even though you would have had no intention of going, it is the principle that YOU should have been invited and your DH should have sided with you.
Myabe you were better off not going even if you couald have gone. Do you think you would have had a good time with the MIL there?
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| Posted 5/7/06 5:30 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
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Me
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I don't know...I understand you being hurt, but I also realize that SILs and DILs will never be as close as the real deal in most cases. The history is not there. My mom is my best friend, and I know that I wouldn't want to feel like I had to invite my brother's GF or wife when we have a girl's weekend.  Same thing with my brother and father--they go to games, etc. all the time without inviting DH. I've been with DH over 5 years now but I don't think I will ever feel as close to his siblings as I do to my brother. It's just I've spent my whole life with my brother...I know him as well as I know anyone...
Try to brush it off; I'm sure it doesn't mean that they dislike you.
Message edited 5/7/2006 5:45:58 PM.
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| Posted 5/7/06 5:43 PM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
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The cure IS worse!
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Yes I can see being hurt...try to look at the upside, you said you wouldn't want to go anyway so now you don't have to make up an excuse! 
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| Posted 5/7/06 6:25 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
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Diana
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I can understand you being hurt because you weren't asked but I do think that the situation is different between mothers and daughers and when you are dealing with In Laws. I would be happy not to be invited honestly.
Every few years my mother, my aunt, and my cousin go on a girls weekend. My aunt's two DILs don't come -- and we all LOVEEEE one of them. It's looked at more as a mother/daughter weekend. I would try not to take it personally.
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| Posted 5/7/06 6:33 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by Diane
Yes, I would have been hurt as well, even though you would have had no intention of going, it is the principle that YOU should have been invited and your DH should have sided with you.
Myabe you were better off not going even if you couald have gone. Do you think you would have had a good time with the MIL there?
No I highly doubt I would've enjoyed myself or that I would've went but it would be nice to be considered "family" and not an outsider. 
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:46 PM |
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ssbride05
:-)
Member since 5/05 2654 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I understand, like the other posters mentioned, you just wanted to be invited.. try not to worry about it too much!!
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:47 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by Diana1215
I can understand you being hurt because you weren't asked but I do think that the situation is different between mothers and daughers and when you are dealing with In Laws. I would be happy not to be invited honestly.
Every few years my mother, my aunt, and my cousin go on a girls weekend. My aunt's two DILs don't come -- and we all LOVEEEE one of them. It's looked at more as a mother/daughter weekend. I would try not to take it personally.
I'm trying not to take it personally but I guess it's just how I was raised-my family is completely different. The day we got married my DH's stepfather asked my father how many sons he had and my father replied 3 his stepfather said oh I guess you have 4 now and my father said "No, I was already counting Jon in the 3" My family is just so much more inviting and welcoming. I've never felt welcomed by his family and his mother went so far as to say to me on our wedding day, "do you think this (the marriage) is going to work?" Also, my mother and I are extremely tight, we are best friends, but we always include my sister in law and have special "girl" weekends when she is in town. My other brother is getting married in July and we treat his fiance the same way. I guess every family is just different and I should brush it off but I'm having a hard time.
Edited for spelling
Message edited 5/7/2006 7:50:17 PM.
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:48 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I think after reading the situation, i would be less hurt and more relieved...
but that is me...
If you were asked....you said you probably wouldn't have gone....why?
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:50 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by Redhead
I think after reading the situation, i would be less hurt and more relieved...
but that is me...
If you were asked....you said you probably wouldn't have gone....why?
Well I wouldn't have been able to take off two days from work. They are going to the city Wed and staying overnight. So that would require me to take off two days, Dh's sisters are quite well off and do not work at all. I guess what I'm saying is I would've liked to felt like I was included even if I wouldn't have been able to attend.
ETA: My DH and I had another discussion about it because he could tell I was upset and he admitted that they often treat me as though they do not like me but he doesn't think that is the case. So I guess its easy to be confused by them
Message edited 5/7/2006 7:52:34 PM.
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:51 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
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Jennifer
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by traceyd
ETA: My DH and I had another discussion about it because he could tell I was upset and he admitted that they often treat me as though they do not like me but he doesn't think that is the case. So I guess its easy to be confused by them
and this would hurt me more than anything...
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:56 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by Redhead
Posted by traceyd
ETA: My DH and I had another discussion about it because he could tell I was upset and he admitted that they often treat me as though they do not like me but he doesn't think that is the case. So I guess its easy to be confused by them
and this would hurt me more than anything...
Yes I guess that is probably why I am so upset about this particular situation. I appreciate the hug-I needed it!
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| Posted 5/7/06 7:59 PM |
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Miro127
LIF Infant
Member since 5/05 204 total posts
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I understand how you feel. If I was in your situation, I would have liked to be invited as well. Perhaps your DH can casually mention to his sister, the next time they speak, that maybe next time they can include you in such a "fun" girls outing since you're now part of the family. It's possible they just didn't think of it! (some people need to be told things that others (like you and I) take for granted!)
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| Posted 5/7/06 8:17 PM |
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nrthshgrl
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Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
It sounds less about the night in the city & more about the outsider status. I understand being hurt at what you perceive is a slight. It sounds like you're seeing it as a confirmation that you're an outsider. It may not be. You would have to take 2 days off of work - did they know that? I wouldn't think about inviting my SIL to just a girl's night in the city if she had to use her vacation days to do it - and I adore my SIL.
Also you said that you don't have the best relationship with your MIL. In my opinion, if you want to be included, you need to step up your MIL contact and start acting more as a "daughter" than a DIL. You may not want that relationship with your MIL. Only you can answer that question.
etd to add..
And  to you. It s*cks nonethless.
Message edited 5/7/2006 8:46:08 PM.
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| Posted 5/7/06 8:45 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by nrthshgrl
It sounds less about the night in the city & more about the outsider status. I understand being hurt at what you perceive is a slight. It sounds like you're seeing it as a confirmation that you're an outsider. It may not be. You would have to take 2 days off of work - did they know that? I wouldn't think about inviting my SIL to just a girl's night in the city if she had to use her vacation days to do it - and I adore my SIL.
Also you said that you don't have the best relationship with your MIL. In my opinion, if you want to be included, you need to step up your MIL contact and start acting more as a "daughter" than a DIL. You may not want that relationship with your MIL. Only you can answer that question.
etd to add..
And to you. It s*cks nonethless.
First off thanks for the I don't think his sisters would know that I would have to take off time or if I would even be able to take off time only because they've never really asked about my job or anything else like that-they are a bit self absorbed at times, but I do see your point. I've tried to have a good relationship in the past with my MIL (before she was my MIL) and she actually used to adore me! When we first starting dating, she told my DH not to mess this one up. The minute we got engaged, it was like a whole different ball of wax. She began insulting me and nitpicking at all of my actions. At one point she called me up to come over for a "heart to heart" well in that she basically told me that I don't behave the way she thinks I should-I'm too quiet and that I apparently neglected to come to her and say hello at some family function. After that things just got worse....I have a fabulous relationship with my mother so I guess I'm not really looking for a "mother-daughter" relationship with MIL just more of a DIL that is included in the "family things"
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| Posted 5/7/06 8:56 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by Miro127
I understand how you feel. If I was in your situation, I would have liked to be invited as well. Perhaps your DH can casually mention to his sister, the next time they speak, that maybe next time they can include you in such a "fun" girls outing since you're now part of the family. It's possible they just didn't think of it! (some people need to be told things that others (like you and I) take for granted!)
DH said he is going to speak to his sister and just mention it but not that I said anything about it. I never actually though about the fact that it could've been an oversight...
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| Posted 5/7/06 8:57 PM |
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lvdolphins
My Loves!
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
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| Posted 5/7/06 9:03 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
You know, it just occurred to me that maybe this was the mother's day present from the girls--that seems likely...
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| Posted 5/7/06 9:04 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Message edited 1/29/2008 6:04:37 PM.
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| Posted 5/7/06 9:31 PM |
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jaysee00
LIF Adult
Member since 3/06 1647 total posts
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
Posted by nov04libride
I don't know...I understand you being hurt, but I also realize that SILs and DILs will never be as close as the real deal in most cases. The history is not there. My mom is my best friend, and I know that I wouldn't want to feel like I had to invite my brother's GF or wife when we have a girl's weekend. Same thing with my brother and father--they go to games, etc. all the time without inviting DH. I've been with DH over 5 years now but I don't think I will ever feel as close to his siblings as I do to my brother. It's just I've spent my whole life with my brother...I know him as well as I know anyone...
Try to brush it off; I'm sure it doesn't mean that they dislike you.
I agree with this completely.
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| Posted 5/7/06 9:40 PM |
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Christine
2nd verse same as the 1st
Member since 5/05 15287 total posts
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Re: In-Law Situation-Advice/Opinions Needed-LONG
I have been in your situation -- my MIL was taking "all the girls in the family are spending a day in the city", but me and one of my other SIL She wasn't even consistent with blood relatives -- it was 3 out of 4 granddaughters, a SD and one out of 3 DIL.
I was so relieved that it didn't even occur to me to be hurt or upset about not being invited someplace I didn't want to go with some people I don't necessarily want to spend the day with.
I now it's hard, but I would try to let it go and maybe plan something nice with the ladies you do like!
Message edited 5/7/2006 11:50:01 PM.
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| Posted 5/7/06 11:40 PM |
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