what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Before we had even gotten married we discussed this. We wanted 2-3 kids. When DS was an infant, DH just loved it and wanted me to get pregnant again right away, but I was NOT ready for that so quickly. Then we both went through a phase where we thought we could be perfectly happy with just the one we have. Now that DS is going to be one and our lives are "normal" I KNOW that I want another baby. I would like to start TTC next fall, so the kids would be about 3 years apart. Dh really feels like he does not want any more children. I'm hoping he changes his mind by next year, but what if he doesn't? Have any of you been there? Did your Dh change his tune? How long did it take?

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Honestly, I would be very upset that at first you had agreed to have 2-3 kids and now he says he does not want any more. I hope it works out but you 2 should sit down and talk it out. Good luck

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Without an experience to back this up - I would suggest just trying to talk to him openly about it. He should explain his reasons and listen to your feelings on the matter. Hopefully he will come around - or better yet hopefully he just needs some time but really is open to the idea.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

He feels like our life is complete now. He says he has everything he ever wanted. He also tends to be kind of selfish and I know that's why he doesn't want another baby. he feels like he has limited free time as it is and feels like he will have absolutely none if we have another baby. I'm sure a big part of it is that none of his close friends have babies, so they can all go golfing or do whatever they want, when they want.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

I hear that from my husband also. He just wants one and then 1 day he went to he would like one more. I already have a son from a previous relationship and then my DD. So that would make 3 for me. I think they get skeptical like us. I'm sure if he once wanted more then 1 it will be easy to sway he back to that idea. Good luck. I noticed that when I said ah I think I am done he was like what what if I want another. Friggin mind games.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

I would just keep talking about it with him. It's not like you are saying you want to try again right now. Give him time to get used to the idea of another baby coming into the family.

I agree - it's not fair that he originally told you he wanted more than one - and now is saying he doesn't want anymore.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Well thsi is my situation exactly! Except he never wanted another after Ryan was born. He was barely able to handle his first year and doens't think he can do it again. Which makes me since you know who does all the work! On the one hand I want another one, on the other hand I don't want another one if DH is not on board. I am not ready to be pg again yet so we have another couple of years to figure it out, but I know that will go by fast.

I also am terrified to have another one in daycare going through all the illness my son has, how that would affect my job and how hard it would be to manage constant sickness w/2 kids while working. So you can tell I'm not 100% sure myself yet. If I didn't have to work it would be different, but then we couldn't afford another one, so who knows!

I think that since your DH wanted another one after your first, there's a chance he'll change his tune. BUT you have to be prepared for what if he doesn't. Are you OK w/just 1? Is he willing to compromise? I know it's a hard position to be in. I think about it alot even though I am not dead-set on having another one yet. I think the only answer is that someone has to either compromise or change their mind, but this is a HUGE compromise!!

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Posted by LInative

I think that since your DH wanted another one after your first, there's a chance he'll change his tune. BUT you have to be prepared for what if he doesn't. Are you OK w/just 1? Is he willing to compromise? I know it's a hard position to be in. I think about it alot even though I am not dead-set on having another one yet. I think the only answer is that someone has to either compromise or change their mind, but this is a HUGE compromise!!

Message edited 10/24/2007 8:59:27 AM.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Can both of you write a Pro/Con list for having another DC? Maybe if he writes down why he doesn't want another, both of you can see what he is really thinking. If you write a similar list, maybe you can both see why it is/isn't a good idea. Just a thought.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

My dh felt the same way too. We always agreed on the 2-3 kids and after Bryan he said no more. Bryan was a hard baby. He was not a good sleeper, he had colic, reflux etc. Dh was scared when he was little. As he got older, around 1.5-2 he started to talk and become daddys little boy.Then my
Dh started to come around a bit to the idea of having another. He stil is a little shaky about it as am I only beucase of finances. Dh is such an awesome Dad now and I think he gained more confidence over the past months esp since Bryan is such a Daddys boy which in turn helped him come around to doing this again.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

After DD #1 was born, my DH used to always say 'one and done' even thought he knew I always wanted 2-3. I knew I was the one who was going to have to push the issue, so when DD#1 was almost 2 years old, I told him I was ready to try again and gave him all the reasons I wanted a second baby, the main one being that I did not want her to be an only child and I pushed the 'pros' of 2 kids. Once he knew I was 100% serious he jumped on board and couldnt be happier with the 2 girls we have. But I will say I dont think I will be able to convince him to go for #3, he is pretty serious about being done now, so I guess I will settle for 2, but we'll see in a few years!

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

That's kind of what I'm hopeing. I'm hoping that next spring/summer DS will be able to play with his daddy more and DH will see how great that is and want another. I guess time will tell.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

I understand how you feel!!

My husband has two sons from a previous marriage. I went into my marriage with him knowing that he only wanted to have one more. I always wanted to have two. When we first started dating, I made it clear that I wanted children, two of them, and he made it clear that he thought he could only handle one more financially and mentally. We have his boys every other weekend and two nights during the week, but he has a lot of emotional heartache about not being with them full time and things of that nature. So anyway, before we got married we were both clear with what we wanted and we left it that after we had one child together (god-willing) we would discuss what was to come after that and we would both keep an open mind.

I was so blessed to get pregnant on second try, and now, after having my healthy, happy DS six months ago, I don't feel that I want any more children. I feel as though my life is complete. I also don't feel that I could handle another child mentally and emotionally. I worry about every single thing about DS and worry about his future. I am not a selfish person. I feel that if I "push my luck" and insist on having a second child (DH's fourth) that that child might not be healthy, or the stress (financially and otherwise) would be too much of a strain on our marriage and our family would suffer. My DH isn't a selfish person either though. As far from it as can be. He is a wonderful father to his three sons. He just has a sometimes overwhelming amount of responsibility and stress with his three kids, wife, job, house, etc.

Now, of course, I realize DS is still so young and I may change my mind and want another child, especially because I felt so strongly about it before. I really think if I insisted that I wanted another child, DH would agree to have another, but I would worry that our family might suffer for it.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

b/c my pregnancy was so rough ( i was a week overdue and still throwing up up to the day i gave birth), me and DH were undecided if we wanted a second. Even right after DS was born, I was 60/40 (the the higher number not to have a second) and DH was 70/30. The thought of a toddler/preschooler and having 9 months of m/s again is quite frightening for both of us. However, after having DS and seeing how amazing he is, i really would like one more down the road. DH is OK either way, he said its my call. I think that he would be fine if we just decided to keep it the 3 of us or if we decided to have another. I think he's more scared of a second just b/c of the difficulty of my last pregnancy. It was really hard on him b/c he had to take care of everything in our lives, including me, while working fulltime (my DH is a SAINT-never complained about it, etc). I just think it would be nice to have a little brother or sister for DS

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

If it was up to Leo, we would be done. Pre-Josh, Leo was very open to never having kids. He is very materialistic and very much a me person.

He says pregnancy was long and the first 3 months were hell. Imagine if he was more then just a spectator?

He says I am a glutton for punishment.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Honestly, for myself, Its a dealbreaker.
and I mean dealbreaker if it's a couple that's not married yet and discuss it then..

Of course that's easier said than done, and I can say that because my husband feels the same way.

But after marriage, and one wants to stop at X amount, I really dont know, I know it would crush me.
Sometimes men get overwhelmed about caring for such a big household.

Do you have friends that have a few?
Does he have siblings?
Maybe mention how amazing sibling relationships are, how nice big families are, everyone has eachother...

I hope he changes his thoughts on this... some men just need a little time to think it through and realize its not as bad as they think.
ask him what his reasons are, and tell him why they are NOT reasons to worry...

this is a touchy subject, good luck with it.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Posted by Diana1215

I would just keep talking about it with him. It's not like you are saying you want to try again right now. Give him time to get used to the idea of another baby coming into the family.

I agree - it's not fair that he originally told you he wanted more than one - and now is saying he doesn't want anymore.

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't

Re: what to do when you want more kids, Dh doesn't