Working mom's who may have to occassionally travel and hate it. Long.

So I got a new job a few weeks ago. It's a sales position and a huge raise/promotion opportunity for me, six figures, etc. Unfortunately, I couldn't care less. Unfortunately too, DH was VERY stressed about paying the bills while I was not working even though it was only for a few months. By bills I'm not talking an upgraded cell phone or a fancy car... we're talking mortgage, our modest car payments, and food and formula kind of thing. Mind you we were not always in this pile of crap... when I met Dh he had quite the nest egg, well, slow economy and a number of job lay offs on both our parts over the last 5 years and that nest egg is gone. I have a fair amount of student loan debt too which doesn't help.

Well, the last week I've been going to meetings and there was one overnight last week and I have to go for 2 nights starting tomorrow and then after Thanksgiving I have to go for 3 days out of state. So I have 2 upcoming flights between tomorrow and the after Thanksgiving trip. Well, I'm feeling very sad about leaving my girls and albeit a little guilty too and even concerned about coming home with swine flu or anything that can get my tiny one sick (did want the vaccine but it's not available here and couldn't make it to NJ tonight b/c of a problem aside from all this). Today I spent the day with someone who just had nothing nice to say and had little to offer me in the way of training - very much a waste of my time. Personally, I feel most of this out of town stuff my industry does is basically a waste of time and can be done via teleconference.... but to keep my job I have to go. I basically took the job b/c it's what DH wanted (and needed) me to do.

I will also say in retrospect I may have not done a very good job of being a SAHM. We spent most days doing virtually nothing and I will admit, DH works in the basement from home and I probably bothered him to help with the kids way more than I should have. In my own defense I did have a c-section and DH was supposed to take 2 weeks to "help" me with our 2 under 15 months at the time... instead, he went to help his dad out at his own company (which I know DH was thinking of ways to get some extra $$$). Leaving me with the 2 girls and only 1 or 2 weeks post c-s. I also had the typical "weepies" and hormonal imbalances that made that time quite difficult and he yelled at me a few times.

Anyway, that's the background. Tonight I was not "in the mood" and just very sad about leaving the kids tomorrow. DH was a lot less than sympathetic and goes off on how I don't appreciate the "blessing" I've been given of such an amazing job in such a horrible economy and then kicks me in the chest with "plus, I don't understand, when you were home with the kids, you were never able to handle them by yourself anyway!" I RAN out of the room crying. I realized he thinks I'm a horrible mother and I really am a horrible mom. Daycare raised my DD#1, I can't take an ounce of credit and now Daycare will raise #2. All the things I did that I thought were positive for them I'm realizing now were nothing but selfish on my part and/or b/c I was worried about how the kids may anger or upset DH or even other people. I have ZERO confidence, and won't even take them out alone. I live in fear of things like car accidents or bizaare traffic confrontations and my kids bothering other people. I even did end up thinking... maybe my kids should have a new mommy - a real mommy who can be with them and raise them herself without help. I mean, my DH was like "so your going to leave them?" and that sounded so cruel but the way I was feeling was seriously like, but they could be so better off and they are so awesome that they deserve someone who is such a LOSER at motherhood like myself. Yes I know - CLWP get some therapy, but it's beyond that. I have a job and kids, no time for therapy or go to therapy and still... get my kids a better life. I mean, I know now hours later and being up way too late that this is irrational, but wow did I realize I am a horrible mother who's kids are being raised by young women at a daycare center. I just pay the bills and put them to bed. I mean, that's not a mom. I look at my SAHM friends and they do stuff with their kids. DH pointed out - I can't even put them to bed by myself. However, again in my defense, I have been asking him to hold #2 while I bathe and put my DD#1 in her pjs and get her ready for bed (which is what he's complaining about). Then I take #2 and bathe her and put her in pj's and give her the bottle, mind you he is not doing this stuff while I'm getting #1 down. Am I doing something wrong by asking him to hold #2? If I put her down at that particular hour of the day she cries hysterically. Everyone has all these comments and articles about not letting little babies cry... and I was never 100% sold, and I'd like to know how you run to a crying little baby when your 18m old has poop in her diaper? Or in this case the older one needs to be put to bed so as to make the place quiet to get #2 down to sleep. I mean - does he look at this like a burden? With two 14 months apart, I know we are LUCKY to get to spend any time alone with #2... #1 just takes the stage b/c she's older and everything she does is new... #2 is just "repeating history" if you know what I mean....but I know there were times when I was home and #1 would take her afternoon nap and I would play with #2 in peace alone and get to know my new baby and hold on in my mind to her face and smile and giggle and coos knowing from past experience - that toothless little cooer is not going to look like this in just a few months. Now that time is impossible... after work it's feed #1, baths, pjs and bed. No special time with #2 and hardly any with#1.

Anyway, not sure what I'm really looking for here other than just to vent. It stinks feeling this way, I even moreso hate that I'm leaving them for business trips over the next few weeks. I think DH was harsh on me although maybe some would feel he was within his rights to say these things and although I'm hurt, it's true. Granted, not sure either way what that means for my feelings toward him right now.

Re: Working mom's who may have to occassionally travel and hate it. Long.

You are not a bad mom. You sound like a mom that is overwhelmed having gone back to work. Totally normal! It stinks to have to leave them to travel, but you're doing what you need to do in order to make $ for your family. This doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you responsible. You'll learn to appreciate the time you have in the evenings with them and love your weekends. What happened in the past is in the past, leave it there. Look toward the future with hope and happiness.

As for your husband, I'm sorry if this seems out of line, but he doesn't sound like he's being very supportive of you during this tough time. Maybe you can tell him openly and honestly how you are feeling. You both need to be helping out at night, not just you! Good luck! Here's some more

Re: Working mom's who may have to occassionally travel and hate it. Long.

First of all you are NOT a bad Mom! Daycare does NOT raise your DC!!! What about the weekends? What about the middle of the nights? Putting your DC to bed is a critical part of their day! That is where they feel the most vulnerable and want their parents! You are doing the best you can with the time you have!

As for going out with your DC, I would start slow. Go for walks when the weather is somewhat warm. Go to the park on the weekend, go to a local small store.

Trust me your DC are not going to be bad in public. They will probably look around and take it all in. I would def. pack snacks, sippy cups, lovey, etc. so they have distractions...

I am a working Mom and we all have days/nights of guilt. I work many nights and Saturdays with my job and the only plus side I see is that DH gets to bond with my DD.

Try to get some rest...everything always looks bleaker in the middle of the night!!

FM if you want to talk