WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I have a family member who lives in my house, downstairs with her 2 kids. When she moved in, we made a deal that she would watch my DC on Fridays. She pays me rent, but it is reduced by the amount that I used to pay for DC to go to daycare on Fridays.

She is an alcoholic, but has been sober for a couple of months. I let her take my DD to a birthday party today in NJ. Well she came home plastered!!! That's right -- she drove home with my child (and her 2) in the car. I am so furious right now I can not even put it into words!!!!!!! I actually get nauseous and start shaking every time I think about it. I screamed at her and told her she will NEVER take my children in a car again.

Now my question is, what would you do with her watching DC on the Fridays? I need somebody to watch them b/c I work overnight Thursday, Friday and Saturday so I have to sleep during the day on Friday. I can't afford to put them back into daycare since she is giving me less rent, and I know she can't afford to give me more $ either. I'm so at a loss of what to do right now. I'm considering letting her still watch them but just not leaving her carseats so she can't take them out. And if she has to go run an errand she can wake me up while she goes out. But I'm also afraid of her getting drunk in the house while watching my DC. I don't really want a drunk person taking care of my infant. I know she drank once or twice during the day before I had Erin, when she was watching Marron because I woke up and found them sitting on the couch watching TV and she was drunk while Marron was up instead of napping. But that was before she started going to AA.

And, DH took on a second job on Saturdays to help us get ahead a bit and this person was going to watch my DC on Saturday as well so DH could work. So now if he has to give up that job we have no chance of having any extra money. I know that my DC are more important than $ but it just sucks that we have to give up the opportunity to get ahead a little because we can't count on this person, who I've helped too many times to count! He might be able to pick up work on Sundays instead but then that means that we have zero days together as a family.

Message edited 8/30/2009 4:33:11 AM.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

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I would tell the family member that as far as I was concerned, she's just given her notice. Tell her that she no longer gets the reduced amount in rent any longer & the only reason she is staying at this point is because she has a child too. Tell her if you find she's drinking & driving again, you will be calling the police.

What a horrible position to be put in! I'm putting it in a wwyd perpective & I wouldn't let her watch my children unless she was in a program & actively involed in it. She needs more sobreity under her belt before I'd ever trust her again (I mean at least a year). Erin has medical stuff going on, you need someone clearheaded.

I would speak to someone in my neighborhood about coming in for the same amount or find a friend. The I don't really want someone to watch them drunk shouldn't be even an option. If this was a daycare provider, they'd be fired on the spot. You need to take the family emotions out of this. Your babysitter drove drunk with your child. If this was a stranger, she'd be fired - at minimum.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

i have to say party's over....

she DROVE DRUNK...with your child. end of story. if she did that - drinking at home and hiding it is NOTHING...and she will likely do it again (this being said by a child of an alcoholic).

unless she commits to rehab of some sort (or meetings in the VERY least)...you need to make her aware of how NOT kosher this was.

i'd start with a serious conversation with her - once she has sobered up. mention to her how you can never, ever forgive her for what she did and how it's unacceptable...etc... from there - i'd give her the names of some places to call for 'support' and the name of a place to go for a meeting and let her know that you will accept nothing less. this is YOUR CHILD and she has one of her own...this is not a good example to set!

i'm so truly sorry!

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by pharmcat2000

Posted by davenjess

unless she commits to rehab of some sort (or meetings in the VERY least:

She goes to meetings 5-6 times a week already.

Then they're not working. Bottom line is her "slip ups" could have been deadly & you cannot trust her with your child.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I'm sorry, but at this point I would kick her out of your house for driving drunk with her children and your child in the car. Simply inexcusable. There are plenty of alcoholics in our world, but not all of them are as reckless as she to risk her life, the life of her children, the life of another's child, and all those on the road, by driving intoxicated.

As for watching your child - never, never, never, would I leave my child with someone whom I have any suspicion may be drinking while on their watch. There are a whole multitude of emergencies, or simple safety concerns that arise when watching children, that necessitate a sober, watchful and awake sitter. It only takes one neglectful moment, and your and your child's life will be altered forever more...

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

After what we see on the news, im sorry but this deserves the most harsh reaction possible (to her). I would consider telling authorities too. You now know that she drinks, and know that she has children in her care. That's pretty scary.

Just because she's not driving with them, doesnt mean something cant happen at home when she gets drunk again on a bright afternoon and is not supervising them properly!

she needs a harsh, loud wake up call IMMEDIATELY. DId you react when she came home ? did you say anything to her ?

Thank God nothing happened in that car, to those precious children and to anyone else on the road.

I would never EVER leave your child under her care again. and I would also kick her out of the house, and search the house for any alcohol. You can get into serious trouble yourself if you know about this and still leave children under her care.

Im sorry to be so harsh, with what's been on the news lately, this story has me shaking jsut as it did you, and you have to see it in a way, as a second chance, as a blessing, a TREMENDOUS blessing that nothing happened.

Please let other family members know that can help her out also, if you feel this is too much to take on (her issues).

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Car or no car, she would not be allowed to watch my kids PERIOD! Regret is a terrible thing.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

i am not in your shoes but i would have seriously considered calling then police when it happened. and at this point i think i might call CPS to report her, because getting them involved can force her to become more involved in a stricter program that will help her stay sober.

think about what the PP said. what if she decides to drink while she is watching your child, and falls asleep, or something horrible happens, and she is not paying attention to prevent or take care of it?

i know i would never be able to forgive myself.

please do not let her watch your kids anymore.

and the rent is not your problem. i would tell her that if she cannot pay the extra rent she will have to find someplace else to stay, and find another tenant.

i am sorry i don't have better advice on what you can do for Friday daycare. maybe another LIF mommy has a recommendation

i don't think i'd ever be able to look that person in the face again - family or not. she didn't just fall off the wagon - she DROVE DRUNK and could have killed someone, your child included. it's a miracle she didn't.

lots of for you. i can't imagine how that felt.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I am livid just reading this post.

I would tell her that rent is back up because you need to find someone responsible to watch your kid. I don't care if she doesn't have to drive them anywhere and you take away the carseats, she can still get wasted at home....leave the stove on, pass out...and the rest is history.

That is just unacceptable for me. I would also call her sponsor because obviously the meetings are not working.

Her poor child.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I absolutely would not let her watch my child at any time ever again---she has shown you more than once that she is not responsible and I am horrified at her driving drunk---I would have lost it on her. You are in a very tough situation and I really feel for you, I agree with some of the above posters, she no longer gets a reduced rent & you need to find a new sitter----I would never forgive myself if something happened to my child if I continued to let her watch them. I am really sorry you are dealing with this, alcoholism is a terrible disease, but your children have to come first.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Raise the rent and then if she pays you can pay someone to come to your house for a couple of hrs so you can get some sleep. Or like another poster said sleep when your child sleeps.

If you continued to use your relative would you really be able to sleep knowing she is watching your dc?? I know I wouldn't! I'm sorry your going through this however a few months of being sober isn't enough for someone to be watching kids, IMO they just aren't strong enough yet (this is coming from a family of addicts)

Just be thankful your dc is ok, but better to be safe then sorry DO NOT have this relative watch her anymore.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I am so sorry that this happened...I can't imagine how shaken up you are by this

My first thought was to cancel the arrangment and either have her rent increase (thereby covering daycare) or give her notice to leave and get someone else in to pay the rent.

I think it was beyond the call of responsibility to family when you took her in...rent or no rent....you believed in her and gave her a chance to better her situation. What a disappointment...even more so that she endangered your child. It's so hard when trust is broken. She clearly has a problem but this cannot intrude on the care of your children.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

If she drank knowing she had to drive home with children in the car whats going to stop her from drinking at home? I grew up with alcoholics and have no tolerance for their selfishness nor do I feel bad for them. She endangered so many lives by doing that and I would be terrified to leave my child with her. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I would in NO way EVER leave my child alone with her again. Not ever. Not for a second. Consider yourself lucky that nothing happened to your DD in her care up until now. Count your blessings and don't even take the chance for one second leaving her with that woman again. You might not be so lucky next time (god forbid) and you will NEVER forgive yourself. Raise her rent, don't pay a bill so you can pay daycare for another day, I don't know but do WHATEVER you have to for your DD to make sure whoever is watching her is going to take care of her and so you don't have to worry and she is safe.

As everyone else said......if she didn't think twice about getting plastered and driving your DD around then can you imagine what she must be doing at home when she has nowhere to be???? Don't take that chance with your DD's life. Kick the woman to the curb and find reliable and SAFE care for your DD.

Message edited 8/30/2009 9:05:21 AM.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Posted by 3monkeys

After what we see on the news, im sorry but this deserves the most harsh reaction possible (to her). I would consider telling authorities too. You now know that she drinks, and know that she has children in her care. That's pretty scary.

Just because she's not driving with them, doesnt mean something cant happen at home when she gets drunk again on a bright afternoon and is not supervising them properly!

she needs a harsh, loud wake up call IMMEDIATELY. DId you react when she came home ? did you say anything to her ?

Thank God nothing happened in that car, to those precious children and to anyone else on the road.

I would never EVER leave your child under her care again. and I would also kick her out of the house, and search the house for any alcohol. You can get into serious trouble yourself if you know about this and still leave children under her care.

Im sorry to be so harsh, with what's been on the news lately, this story has me shaking jsut as it did you, and you have to see it in a way, as a second chance, as a blessing, a TREMENDOUS blessing that nothing happened.

Please let other family members know that can help her out also, if you feel this is too much to take on (her issues).

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I would not let her watch DC nor would I continue to give her reduced rent to live with me. Your family shouldn't have to make sacrifices for her to live there.
Please call CPS for the sake of her children. God forbid something ever happened at least you would know you did something to look out for them.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

That's a horrible position to be in. But I don't think there's any question that this relative CANNOT watch your child any longer.
I agree that you should raise the rent so you can pay for daycare since she can no longer be trusted.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I am so sorry this happened and I'd be more than furious!
I'm sorry, but, I would scrape up every penny I had and definitley be finding someone else to babysit or put my kids back in daycare.
No way would I ever leave my children with her again.
Does she realize how lucky she is? OMGosh! Im furious for you!
And as far as her living with you, well, maybe that needs to be changed too.
I know it may sound harsh, but, maybe she needs to be admitted into like a 30 day overnight program somewhere!

Again. I am so sorry and I am so glad the kids are all OK.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I'm sorry, but I can't even imagine that you're still considering having this woman watch your children. She drove DRUNK with your daughter in the car. DRUNK. I'm not saying this to come down on you, but because I'm just so upset FOR you and this woman deserves nothing from you at this point.
My aunt's ex husband was an alcoholic and a cop. He had off during the days, so both my aunts would use him to watch their kids during the day. Well, one time he took them to the mall and passed out cold on the floor because he was so drunk. They all thought he was sober, but quickly came to find out that he had been drinking all day with the kids. Not only was he never allowed to watch their kids again, my aunt kicked his azz out of the house.
You have to find another way. If your DH has to give up his job or work on Sundays, guess what? That's the sacrifice until you can figure something out. I'm so incredibly angry for you, you have no idea