Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

So sorry you're going through this.

Since you are asking WWYD, I would probably never let her watch my DC ever again, or at least for a very very long time.

I know you mentioned possibly leaving your DC with her but without a carseat so that she coudln't run errands.... if she is drinking, she probably won't be thinking clearly, and could just put DC in a car even without a car seat. If she thought it was ok to drive from NJ to NY with your child in teh car while drunk, I wounld'lt be trusting her to make good decisions.

I would be looking for a new babysitter.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

i totally get how hard it will make things for you, but for me.....this is a no brainer. Absolutely never again. Anyone who has that little regard for your DCs life (nevermind their own DCs) would NEVER EVER EVER be allowed to watch my DS again. No dollar amount is worth risking his safety. Oh and Id kick her butt out too.

So sorry youre going through this,.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Posted by Hofstra26



I would in NO way EVER leave my child alone with her again. Not ever. Not for a second. Consider yourself lucky that nothing happened to your DD in her care up until now. Count your blessings and don't even take the chance for one second leaving her with that woman again. You might not be so lucky next time (god forbid) and you will NEVER forgive yourself. Raise her rent, don't pay a bill so you can pay daycare for another day, I don't know but do WHATEVER you have to for your DD to make sure whoever is watching her is going to take care of her and so you don't have to worry and she is safe.

As everyone else said......if she didn't think twice about getting plastered and driving your DD around then can you imagine what she must be doing at home when she has nowhere to be???? Don't take that chance with your DD's life. Kick the woman to the curb and find reliable and SAFE care for your DD.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Your one and only choice is to find someone else to watch your child. It is obvious she cannot be trusted.

On another note . . . I only read page 1 of this thread, so I don't know if it was mentioned on page 2 or 3, but after this incident, if you allow this person to watch your child again you could be charged with neglect, for knowingly placing your child in danger.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Posted by headoverheels

i am not in your shoes but i would have seriously considered calling then police when it happened. and at this point i think i might call CPS to report her, because getting them involved can force her to become more involved in a stricter program that will help her stay sober.

think about what the PP said. what if she decides to drink while she is watching your child, and falls asleep, or something horrible happens, and she is not paying attention to prevent or take care of it?

i know i would never be able to forgive myself.

please do not let her watch your kids anymore.

and the rent is not your problem. i would tell her that if she cannot pay the extra rent she will have to find someplace else to stay, and find another tenant.

i am sorry i don't have better advice on what you can do for Friday daycare. maybe another LIF mommy has a recommendation

i don't think i'd ever be able to look that person in the face again - family or not. she didn't just fall off the wagon - she DROVE DRUNK and could have killed someone, your child included. it's a miracle she didn't.

lots of for you. i can't imagine how that felt.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Thank goodness she made it home safely. It's awful that you have to deal with this. If it was me, she would never watch my child again.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Posted by peabody

Posted by Hofstra26



I would in NO way EVER leave my child alone with her again. Not ever. Not for a second. Consider yourself lucky that nothing happened to your DD in her care up until now. Count your blessings and don't even take the chance for one second leaving her with that woman again. You might not be so lucky next time (god forbid) and you will NEVER forgive yourself. Raise her rent, don't pay a bill so you can pay daycare for another day, I don't know but do WHATEVER you have to for your DD to make sure whoever is watching her is going to take care of her and so you don't have to worry and she is safe.

As everyone else said......if she didn't think twice about getting plastered and driving your DD around then can you imagine what she must be doing at home when she has nowhere to be???? Don't take that chance with your DD's life. Kick the woman to the curb and find reliable and SAFE care for your DD.

I agree. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't even believe you are thinking about leaving your infant with her for a second.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Posted by monkeybride

Posted by peabody

Posted by Hofstra26



I would in NO way EVER leave my child alone with her again. Not ever. Not for a second. Consider yourself lucky that nothing happened to your DD in her care up until now. Count your blessings and don't even take the chance for one second leaving her with that woman again. You might not be so lucky next time (god forbid) and you will NEVER forgive yourself. Raise her rent, don't pay a bill so you can pay daycare for another day, I don't know but do WHATEVER you have to for your DD to make sure whoever is watching her is going to take care of her and so you don't have to worry and she is safe.

As everyone else said......if she didn't think twice about getting plastered and driving your DD around then can you imagine what she must be doing at home when she has nowhere to be???? Don't take that chance with your DD's life. Kick the woman to the curb and find reliable and SAFE care for your DD.

I agree. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't even believe you are thinking about leaving your infant with her for a second.

Sorry but I agree. If things had turned out differently your DD might not be home with you tonight. How scary.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Well, you asked for opinions. Here's mine: As a mom of 1 DD, 1 DD on the way, 3 SKs, as well as a former police officer and now presently a police sergeant, I have to say from a WWYD perspective... a family member such as you described would have been in my OWN set of cuffs as soon as she stepped foot on my property and I smelled her breath. There is absolutely NO REASON for ANYONE to be driving drunk with children in the car. Whether it be the drunk's own children or God help her, MY children! It is sad and a shame that her children are victims of their own lives. I pray that there are grandparents, aunts or uncles who can pitch in and help with their upbringing. But to be perfectly honest, from the small glimpse that you have given us, I suspect that these children would even be better off (together) in foster care. Unfortunately, I have the luxury of first hand knowlege what is like to be around a drunk who is part of the family. My mother has been an alcoholic my whole life and thankfully, I was raised by my father.

As far as the babysitting situation is concerned, there is no question as to who is NOT going to care for my child. No drunk is going to spend any time unsupervised with any baby of mine. I suggest you subscribe to the same idea, regardless of how much of a wrench it puts into your family's life. I would forego sleep on Fridays before letting an alcoholic care for my child. And for right now, this appears to be your only option. It sucks but it will have to do until you and DH can figure out a different schedule that works for your family.

As far as the renting issue is concerned, from a WWYD perspective... family member or not, this person would have 30 days to get out. No more. She endangered my child's life, not to mention her poor children's lives and has made many irresponsible choices in the past regarding her choosen lifestyle. No one can make me rent part of my own house to someone who has no respect for me or my family and our safety. I refuse to be a crutch for someone who takes advantage of my kindness and places my infant in peril. And I refuse to make anyone's life easier who has done something so egregious that it has shaken me to my core. No excuses, no apologies, no friggin way would this family member be residing in my house anymore. Best of luck.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I think the answer is quite obvious as to what you need to do. She drove DRUNK with your dc in the car!!! I'd make it clear that she will NOT be watching dc at all and that she should look for somewhere else to live as well. Do you really want to risk harming your dc by allowing this neglectful woman to babysit again? Don't wait for a disaster to happen and get rid of her.

Ugh!!!

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I know everyone made their point, but one other thing... A friend of mine lived with her alcoholic mother until she got married. The same month she moved out her mother fell asleep with a cigarette in her hand, burnt the house down and died. Even having this person sleeping in your house is danger!

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

This is one of those areas that you have to remove yourself from the real situation.

think if she wasn't family
if she wasn't your tennent.

would you allow a hired nanny to drive drunk with your child and continue to use her the following week?

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

This is hard because she is family, but imagine she is not for a moment--if this was a babysitter you hired and you had no connections with her, would you tolerate this behavior? I am guessing you would not.

I also understand not having her watch your child will be a hardship for DH and you, but it is not worth the risk. Even if you keep your carseat, what is to prevent her from getting drunk and plopping DC in the car anyway? I mean someone who would drive drunk isn't so concerned about a child's safety anyway. And there are so many other things that could happne that could result in your child's death--giving him a bath and passing out while he's in the tub, letting him get into stuff he shouldn't play with, falling down the stairs with him, etc.

I would charge her full rent ASAP. If she can't pay it, give her time to find a new place and leave. I say this mainly because she has a child, otherwise I would say kick her out ASAP.

You cannot trust an alcoholic who does not have some serious sobriety behind them, you just cannot. I say this as someone with some familarity with the disease. No matter how many apologies and "It will never happen again" things she spouts, do NOT trust her. She can drink again, and very likely will from what you are telling me.

And look for a new sitter ASAP. Does your library or high school offer a program for students? Maybe they can even recommend a teen temporarily until you find a permanent solution. I would rather have a level headed kid with experience watch my child than this woman.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I'd kick her out in a heartbeat for risking my child's life. I could probably never look at her again.

My children would never be under her care again. End of story.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Suffice to say I agree with ALL the posts above, no way no how does she watch MY kid, no matter what.But there's more to it now, since she's family, a tenant, and a mom of 2... So beyond finding alternate childcare for my own DC, I'd be having the MOST serious conversation with her ASAP, including but not limited to:

1) Rent increase since her 'services' are no longer needed. (PS IF she can afford to get drunk she can afford to PAY you the correct rent). Also you may want to review your own budget and look for any "sinkholes" -- I know things are very tight but if you keep a money diary for a month you may be able to cut something to make up the difference. When I became a SAHM we ditched cable. That's $100/month --minimum-- and you know I don't even FEEL it, we watch SO little TV, anyway.

2) Insisting on a MANDATORY ignition lock for her car (you know, she blows in the tube and it wont start if she's been drinking) -- that's to protect HER kids, not mine, since mine would NEVER be in a car with her ever again.

3) While you can't do to much regarding her "program," this could be her "bottom" as long as you don't ennable her. Head to an Al-Anon meeting and you may find there are specific non-ennabling things you can do, both for your protection and your sanity. Your child will be safe now, but HER children are not; you don't have to be in a motor vehicle for tragedy to strike.

Good luck to you, your position is uncomfortable to say the least, but if you leave your child in her care ever again, I fear that that "discomfort" will turn into a tragedy that threatens everything you are working so hard to protect.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Please never leave your children with this woman again. I know how hard it can be when you struggle to pay daycare, but money issues can be figured out.

First I would have a sit down discussion with this woman. Babysitting gig is off. Adjust her rent and make her pay more. If she can't do it, evict her. I know its easier said than done becuase it is family, but she should be in handuffs right now, standing in front of a judge for what she did. So your punishment of raised rent is a gift to her.

Do not let her watch your children for one minute...even to take a shower. As we all know, it only takes a second for tragedy to strike and you'd never forgive yourself if something happened. Dont even allow that situation to be a possibility.

And next time she drives drunk, I'd turn her in. Its always the drunk driver that walks away unharmed from an accident and innocent lives lost. She clearly has a pattern of this and since you said she goes to meetings practically 7 days a week, sounds to me she needs an inpatient treatment and is in no condition to safely take care of her own children, not to mention yours.

Good luck!

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

For everybody who offered suggestions, empathy and hugs, thank you. I have tentative plans for somebody else to watch my DC and I hope to have something else firmed up in the very near future. My DH will no longer work on Saturdays, so he can watch my DC and either he or I will have to work on Sundays instead. Family Day will be put off for now.

Message edited 8/31/2009 2:42:18 PM.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

to the OP, where are you? Maybe some of us can help out?



I was actually going to ask this also (I didn't want to overstep any boundaries though) b/c I work p/t and am actually off on Fridays.

Re: WWYD - alcohol related (long, sorry)

I would not allow my child to be watched by her if I had to go 72 hours without sleep at a time or flap my wings and fly. You are lucky to still have your dd, get her out of that dangerous situation ASAP. Unbelievable after what just happenedo onthe taconic!