X-post: Sorry to crash but I need some help explaining adoption to DD

DD has been asking me why her friends (who happen to be adopted) look different from their parents. Any suggestions on how to explain adoption to a 5 year old?

Re: X-post: Sorry to crash but I need some help explaining adoption to DD

I know this is an old post but I figured I'd respond anyway in case someone else wanted to know.

First of all, I think it's great you're looking for outside help about this topic. I totally disagree with anyone who says to ignore this topic. I am 29 and adopted from birth and I've met grown adults who still refer to my adoptive mom as my step mom and I can't tell you how mad it makes me that some people are so misinformed.

Basically, just answer any questions your child may ask you with an honest answer. Kids seem to know when adults aren't telling the whole truth. Easy answers to some common questions:

1. Why aren't they with their "real" mom/dad?

First, explain what a 'real' parent is - someone who loves, cares for, feeds, clothes, plays with, etc. for their child IS the REAL parent. Teaching kids to use appropriate language from the beginning will help them understand it more.
If you don't know the answer, say so. If you do know the answer, and are in the positiion to talk about it (being the adoptive parent) an age appropriate answer is all you need, "They had adult problems and were unable to care for you the way they wanted to. That doesn't mean they didn't love you. If anything they loved you SO much that they wanted you to have SO many good things in life." Obv. a answer to a 5 yr old vs. a 10 yr old vs. a 15 year old should be different.

2. What if people make fun of me for being adopted?

Explain that families are made up of all different types of people, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins' etc. and sometimes the bio parent isn't the one who raises them. The more you normalize it for the child, the more comfortable they are going to be with it and will be able to respond better to others. The easiest way to handle this is the same way you would want them to respond to someone who was making fun of them for having red hair, or for wearing glasses.

(I've NEVER been made fun of being adopted but I was asked about it when I was younger. It was such a normal thing for me I don't even think of it anymore, it just is. Just as i'm a female I'm also an adopted child.)

3. How do I tell my child their adopted?

Honestly, and others may disagree, the earlier the better. There are SO many books, movies, etc. that make it so easy to talk about adoption at ANY age. A parent who tells their child at 5 vs. a 2 year old are going to get VERY different reactions. I think the best time to start really talking about it is when a child begins to understand where babies come from. The more you try to skirt around the issue, the more a child is going to think you're hiding something because it's bad. To a child, secrets typically mean something is bad. There are adoption experts out there who would be more then willing to assist in this process.

As an adoptive parent you also need to be comfortable with the idea yourself. Sometimes family members or friends aren't thrilled or supportive with this idea but if you stand your ground with them, you're showing yourself AND the child that this isn't something to be ashamed up. I'm not saying people need to be all "yeah adoption" all the time, it should just become part of a persons identity. It's not who the are, it just makes up their history.

Re: X-post: Sorry to crash but I need some help explaining adoption to DD

Crashing, as I have no experience with this.. BUT.. I am going through surrogacy and plan on telling my son/daughter one day that I had a booboo in my belly so another lady helped me.. That's my plan for now anyway without yet having a baby on the way I think the same can apply to adoption.