XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

I posted this on Bereavement, but wanted to get your opinions...

What would you do?

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

You should do what makes you comfortable. But maybe it gives you a chance to turn a really negative day into something positive. My dad and I were estranged for 10 years and I used to go into a wicked depression every year around Father's Day. Even now that we are speaking it's still a tough day for me since it brings up a lot of memories and feelings that are hard to deal with.

But it's really been helpful to focus on DH and how he is as a father, gets me out of thinking about how crappy mine was for so long.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

It depends on exactl why you dont want to have mothers day. Is it bc you feel Bella is too young? Or is it resentment toward your mom? Or resentment toward your husband? If its B and C then I would say you should look at mothers day as a celebration for you. Everything in the past is past history. I think you should celebrate the bond between you and your dd. thats what mothers day is about. BUT if you feel its bc she is too young and will not understand then maybe its just a personal choice. I think anyway you go with your decision will be right because it is what fits your needs. BUT if its because of past history...I would feel you were hindering a mother daughter holiday for you and Bella. Hope some of this helps somewhat...

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

I agree with what 5ofclubs told you.

You have your own family and shouldn't let what happened with your mom get in the way of celebrating a special day.

Besides if you don't celebrate Mother's Day then little Bella will grow up not experiencing what a special day it is. Don't think of your mom, just think of Mother's Day as the day you get to celebrate being a mom. Think of all the special memories you will have with your beautiful little girl...

Message edited 2/26/2007 3:15:21 PM.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Hmmm that's tough. You know I have issues with my mother and even though we get along there is a lot of history and we still have fights. It's often hard for me to get cards for her that don't say things I don't mean.
As for the day we do celebrate it but a lot of that is for me because I want to feel special and honored for being a mom to Miranda and for all the hard work that goes into it.
That being said it's not painful for me and if it is really that hard for you and you would rather skip it for now I think DH should try to understand and just let it be another day.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Maybe you don't feel this way right now but I bet there will come a time when you will want to set up new traditions for you and your daughter. I think women who has strained or even non-existent relationships with their mothers will try to strive for a great relationship with their daughters.

I do have a relationship with my Mom, but it not the normal mother/daughter bond, and it never will be. Too many things have happened. I was so petrified to have a girl because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to be a good mother to a girl. I think this is one of the reasons I wanted only boys. I am so thrilled now to have a daughter and I will make sure I will be a great mother to her.

The great love you have for Bella comes through in all your posts about her. You will find a way to turn mother's day around for both of you and it will soon come to be a day you will cherish.

Message edited 2/26/2007 3:16:33 PM.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

I think you should celebrate it how you want (while still allowing DH to honor his mom in his own way if he chooses).

If that means you want to grab your sister, and change it to "Sister Day" go for it. I was going to say go to a spa but I would think the last thing you want is to be surrounded by mother-daughters getting facials.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

It's difficult for me to put myself in your position, but I think--like others have said--that you should celebrate your relationship with Bella on that day. Make new memories. You both deserve it and I'm sure you wouldn't want to regret missing a special day/s years later.

Why should your mom continue to "ruin" your life? It's not about her anymore!

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

I posted my long answer on the bereavement board.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Kelly it is totally up to you...spend the day how you want to, not how people feel you should

You never know...your idea of the holiday might change when Bella runs in with her first Mothers Day craft for you, smiling from ear to ear and shoting "Happy Mothers Day" and then you may see the day in a totally different way

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. Why not just make a designated family day like go to the zoo. Something that is a treat but not something that signifies that it's mother's day. This way when Bella is old enough to understand she will realize that you always have 'celebrated' mother's day by doing something 'special' as a family. This is what we did when there was an estrangement in my family and I have to say I have fond memories of those days.

But it's your day to decide either way.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Thanks for all of your responses, you ladies are so great. Dina yours was so thoughtful and amazing, I so appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I celebrate every single second I have with Bella because it's another second or moment I didn't have and the bond we have blows me away...I never thought it was possible.

My thing is the hallmark and flowers push for a huge celebratory day on Mother's Day.

I graduated high school and college, got engaged, planned a wedding, was pregnant, had a baby...all these amazing things that mothers should be there for. All these DAYS they are supposed to support a daughter...and thankfully I had my sister and my Dad...

I would like to quietly reflect with Bella in my arms on the day of mothers, I just don't want flowers and a big to-do...I just can't. It's not about new beginnings I feel...I just don't know what I feel.

Message edited 2/26/2007 8:44:18 PM.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

it's mother's day, your day...do whatever you want. If you don't want to celebrate, then don't. You have no obligation to anyone..its your own personal issue, no need to explain to anyone.

I have a mother who never celebrated mother's day till last year. After years and years of an awkard day where she would stay in bed...it finally became something positive when I got preggo, and she celebrated it by celebrating me. So, I think it will come full circle for you..its still raw, it hurts..but Bella will understand, and one day Bella will be a mom and the day may mean something entirely different.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

Just treat it as any other weekend day that you, DH and Bella have off together. Stay in, play with your daughter and order a pizza if that's what you want to do. There's no "right" way to celebrate.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

What is the issue about skipping it?

1. If its for your DH adn his mom- let him do his own thing with her.

2. If Bella is aware of it (like did they make mother's day stuff in daycare or something like that)- then do a 30 second thing where she gives you the gift, you say thank you- and move on with your day.

If Bella has no idea and DH has no interest, then just skip it.

My DH isn't into father's day- like he isn't into his birthday- no real reason- he just isn't into it. SO i gave him a small gift and a card and that was it. Then it was a regular Sunday. We took 30 seconds to acknowledge the day.

Last mother's day we just had brunch as a family at my sister's apartment. It was both of our first mother's day. My sister asked that for her gift, her DH just run all the errends with her that she needs and say yes to doing the things he didn't want to do. That's all.

You need to do what you feel the most comfortable with.

Re: XP: Bypassing Mother's Day...

When you have a child, every day you are with them is mother's day. You don't need a date on the calendar to tell you that. I am not big on days like this and really don't like them. I don't celebrate my birthday at all, in any way, shape or form. I don't think you should force yourself to participate in anything you are not comfortable with. This is how I feel: if any one wants to celebrate me being a wife, mother, daughter, sister or just the fact that I was plopped on this earth, they don't need to do it on a certain day. Don't give me cards and flowers just because the calendar says you should. Do it because you want to and don't make me celebrate anything I don't want to just because you think I should. Respecting me and my wishes is the best way to show me how much you care. The rest, IMO, is all nonsense.