disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

my in laws are completely uninterested in this pregnancy and it breaks my heart. This is our first pregnancy and we are thrilled with no support from the family. my husband & I had a falling out with his brother, do not speak anymore, and he lives at home with his parents (my inlaws) and his year old baby, who my MIL at 67 is raising. My inlaws have not called once since Nov. 06 to see how we are doing with this pregnancy. How do I comfortably welcome them at the hospital in July when I deliver, and how do I sincerely welcome them into our new babys life? I am completely torn in two. any advice??????????? By the way, my mom is in Florida and our biggest support system via telephone, my Dad is our only nearby supportive relative thru this entire pregnancy!!! HELP!!!

Message edited 2/21/2007 9:01:17 AM.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

have you spoken to them about your feelings? maybe you could give them a call and tell them what you just told us? it might open up the lines of communication, and give them the opportunity to apologize and change things around before too much resentment builds up and it becomes too late for you to forgive...

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this at a time that is supposed to be filled with happiness. I have a similar situation, but it is with my own mother. It is hard to know what will happen once the baby comes, but I am giving what I get. So if I get no support & no effort from someone, that is what they will get from me. My focus is on MY family - me, DH & our new baby.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

yeah, my GH spoke to them in Nov. and MIL expressed that it is not the parents responsibility to get in touch with us. GH explained we dont want them to feel obligated to be involved, just take and interest, and nothing has changed, we are now 20 weeks along, and have no communication with them because they are raising their first grandchild for the "bad son" my GH's brother ....

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

Did you have a good relationship with them prior to fighting with the brother?
Have you or DH spoken to them since the fight to hear your side?
If so to both above then I would def the both of you invite them over for dinner so they are not in their element they will be in yours, even if they have to bring the 1 yr old and talk to them.
sounds like they are bitter about something and they probably have a constant buzz in their ear about you and DH too. good luck I hope opening the lines of communication is the key so that your DC can enjoy his/her grandparents.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

I would have DH reach out and feel them out and tell them how you guys feel.

If they are still uninterested, i wouldn't try to force the relationship.

Family issues are tough, i've had my own, it's awful, but you can't change people, it's up to them to want to have a relationship with their son and future grandchild. I would do what you feel you need to do, and if things don't turn positive you know in your heart you tried everything you could.

I hope things work out for you though

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

sorry to hear you get it too. I am so angry I actually told GH that if they do not come around before the big day in July I will not see them when I deliver. Of course, this upset GH, after all they are his parents, and I know this is really killing him, but not as much as me. Am I being selfish? My Mom says just let them show up at delivery if they do, it will be phony anyway. The thing is, I dont wanna deal with phony, if they are not a part of my pregnancy, I have no use for them, in my heart. Just dont know how firm I have the right to be about it.....

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

Honestly, I try not to worry about people who do not accept me in their life. Their loss!

I would suggest that you focus on your family (DH, you, baby, your mom..etc).

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

what does GH stand for? I want to make sure I am reading this right to respond correctly.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

Message edited 2/21/2007 9:16:43 AM.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

yes, we were very close with in laws before falling out with BIL, actually, ive been in this family for 20 years, always the family social coordinator, doing for everyone all the time. we have tried the inviting them over thing, and they say they should not have to come to us, and they are not allowed to bring the BIL's daughter (our niece) to our house. its a pathetically sad story. they know how we feel, its been talked out so many times, my GH justifiably feels there is nothing left to say about it. I guess I should just put them out of my mind, and see what happens, I just cant help constantly feeling angry about it. I am so angry that there is any anger attached to my first pregnancy because of my in laws babying my GHs brother. am I being an idiot? My mom says put it out of my mind, and let whatever happens, happen. I guess I have to let it go, its just so hard. I know they will be phony and make one appearance when baby arrives in July, then at best, maybe see the baby once for Santa in December five months later. Just absolutely heartbreaking

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

Good Husband

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

thanks, you are so right. actually all hubby ever tells me is "they are not gonna change, it is their loss and now all that matter is you, me and the baby." I just hate phony family. and i feel so hurt, but I just have to get over it for my family's sake. thanks so much.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

it's def a heartbreaking situation, and i really feel for you since i have been there.

Sometimes people's stubborness NEVEr leads to healing and it's awful.

I would concentrate and you, the baby and your SO.

If you are starting to feel overwhelmed and can't let the anger go, i totally recommend therapy. It helps so much to lay it all out to someone non biased and not related.

I was against therapy until i realized i was angry and hurt for a whole year. that's a whole year wasted, and focusing my energy on something and someone else that could have been put elsewhere and i could have been happy and focusing on my family.

therapy with DH gave me the tools to cope, let my anger out, and heal.

Now when i am around those family members, and I see them maybe twice a year or so, i can deal with them without walking away hurt, or angry.

I hope you do what's best for you

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

You are not selfish what so ever, and remember your hormones will make you more sensitive now too.
You know I really feel bad for your DH b/c indirectly they are taking his brothers side by shunning you guys out. It must make him feel terrible that he cant share this with his parents b/c of his brother!
ok so the elders want you guys to come to them, so go to them. At this point its all about the relationship you and DH want them to have with the baby.
they arent getting involved with the fight are they? did they voice that they think you guys are wrong? did they get offened by something?
seems strange that you guys were so close for 20 years too and you have done so much for the family that they are responding this way


ahhhhhhhhh GH= good husband duh, gotcha!!!

Message edited 2/21/2007 9:24:26 AM.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

basically, my DH refuses to go to the ILs house anymore since his brother lives there, his brother accused us of keying his $60,000 mustang saline at IL house. We all know it was the mother of his baby, because he left her with the new baby to go live at his parents house. We were very close with BIL before that, but obviously, BIL is 44 years old, with a one year old who he is having his 67 year old mother raise, while he works, goes out racing at night, does not care for his child, pays no rent, has his laundry done by Mother, has meals cooked by mother, and when we have gone to house to visit ILs it is very uncomfortable, so DH explained to his parents, (two years ago) that we wont be coming by while Brother is there, and now for past year he lives there with new baby. We actually have no realtionship with our own niece, who will be our baby's cousin. The family just dropped us, and last year on Mothers Day, my MIL said she doesnt know anymore if I vandalized Brothers car, so that put a big wedge between her and I after 20 years. Sounds so childish, but it is a very real bitter situation. And no matter what, their second grandchild is coming in July. after treating us like nobody for the entire pregnancy, how do I welcome them to our home when baby arrives. I am so completely torn in two.....

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

You don't welcome them-especially if they are accusing you of vadalism.

IMO, I would let it go. If they don't reach out to you, their loss. I wouldn't want the influence of that family in our live. I wouldn't have DH call them when you are in labor. He can let them know when you are back at home, and they can visit you there if they wish.

Re: disregard for pregnancy from inlaws

I just read your post- OMG she thinks YOU did it- c'mon.
Welp if your DH is ok with having no relations with them, then you be ok with it. BIL sounds like such a child! what would you have to gain by keying up his car , so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel, for most of my pg I had to shut out DH's sister b/c she was too controlling and always telling us what to do, we couldnt take it anymore. so not until my shower at 31 weeks did we start to talk again, we pretty much said what we had to say in our blow out and we just respect eachother now, after all we are family. I bet something similiar will happen with you guys too, either right before you give birth or after. best of luck