If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

I know there are some of us.

I think there are a lot of things that are uniquely painful to this situation. It's been 2 years since my dad left and it still hard to deal with all of the emotions. I don't know if I will EVER be able to watch a father/daughter dance at a wedding..and that's the least of it.

I spoke to a priest today and he told me it's ok to be angry and that you have to be angry, and you don't have to put pressure on yourself to forgive right away, which made me feel better.

I hate it when people say "oh people's parents get divorced all the time, it's no big deal" because it is a big deal in my particular situation. It is like a death. One painful difference is that God did not take my dad, my dad chose to leave us, and he still remains around to hurt us. I don't have a heart full of happy memories of my father.

My grandfathers had both passed away before I was born. It breaks my heart to think if my dad is still alive, what to tell my kids about him. Do I just tell them he died? How do you explain something like that to a child? How can I ever explain to them what my father did to me? How will it effect the way they look at their own dad?

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

I wish I had the answers for you. This is what I am going through right now. I was somewhat able to get past my parents divorce and who my Dad's girlfriend is. But the way that he is treating my daughter I can't get passed. So we have not spoken to him in going on 5 months now and he has not seen my daughter in almost 6 months. He has been a sucky grandfather to her. Almost a worst grandfather to her than a father he was too me. My DH warned him that if he treats our daughter like he treated me we were done. Needless to say the holiday brought it all out and now we are done. There are times that I would love to call him and brag about the things that my DD is doing but I just can't. I can't get passed all the mean and cruel things he has done. I know I will have to explain to her eventually there were a ton of pictures and videos of him with her taken in the 1 1/2 before he disappeared from her life.

It makes me so sad because that fool once told me a story about a friend of his that was estranged from his daughter and it wasn't until someone's funeral that his friend found out he was a grandfather twice over. He went on to tell me how he never wants that to happen to him and you know what it is.

It also makes me sad because I always knew that his parents never loved their grandchildren. I grew up knowing that. We didn't count. My grandfather always said get out of the way kid I am not here to see you I am here to see your dad. I had hopes that he would remember how that hurt and treat his granddaughter better but I was wrong.

I was fortunate that my I had my Mom's parents and they were amazing grandparents and my daughter has my Mom and stepfather who she LOVES. DH parents are both still alive but they are older, a littel sick and live out of state so they have not seen her since June and she has only seen them 2-3times in her life.

Oh well I guess I am babbling and letting out the hurt I have been feeling for the last 5 months. Jen I have no answers for you. I just know that one day I will have to cross that bridge too.

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

Thank you so much for posting.

I guess I should ahve been wanred. My paternal grandmother always treated us like 2nd class citizens as well.

One of my dad's latest is that he didn't even tell us when my grandmother passed away. She lived near us my entire life, but shortly before my dad left they moved her to a nursing home in PA. We visited her once, but after my dad lef,t no one in his family even contacted us. It was so weird to one day have MANY aunts, uncles, cousins, and the next day to have none, and to have wedding invitations come to our house for my dad and his gf . So anyway, my uncle controlled everything 3with my grandma so we always intended to visit again, but it was just too awkward and too hard. My dad ised that as an excuse to not tell us, and basically told everyone it ws because we didn't visit her.

We ONLY knew our grnadmother died because we know someone whoi works with my dad and that person got the company wide email about it...5 days later.

I tried talking to my dad..or maybe talking sense into ym dad when he left and a few times when he was doing cruel things, he used it as an opportunity to be more cruel. Now he stopped sending my mom's money, so she ahd no way to pay the mortgage (that he elft ehr with) on time and he is bad mouthing us to everyone over it . He just takes every opportinut to hurt us. It was the day before what was supposed to be my wedding, and he didn't even know I wasn;t getting married and when my mom todl him i wasn't he said "Everyone needs to get a life"...that just made me so angry. I could never forgive him, I could never have him in my life, not that he wants me anyway.

As adults we cna intellectualize it and process it in some way, but I really feel abd for the children, like you mentioned. I don't have children yet, but what kind of reality is that to bring to a child?

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

Are you sure that we are not related because it seems your father and my father are right there like two peas in a pod. My father feels he can say what ever he wants and if we go back at him well we are evil.

He trashed my Mom's name all over town. Called her a whore and many other things meanwhile my Dad's girlfriend was my mother's best friend. They are still together I might add. He would always tell people he had no money because of all the child support he was paying. $25 a week when he paid it which is rare!! I remember many days having no food, electric etc. But he will always tell people how he always gave everything for us

All I know is that you have to break the bitter cycle at some point and my cousins and I (my brother doesn't want kids for this reason) decided that we would. I am hopeful that I can do it.

As for him I go back and forth between anger and hurt.

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

Wow. They are def. two peas in a pod. I am so sorry for you and your mom. Her best friend? That is heinous.


ETA: My dad is definitely alike also with complaining about giving my mom money. It's only temporary, and it's really nothing compared with the bills he left. My parents didn't have a honeymoon and we never went on vacation as a family, but he's always going on trips with his gf (who is my sister's age)... yet he's SO poor cause of the money he stopped giving my mom. As if

I'm sure you can break the cycle. You want to, you're not him. I think it has shaken my sister a lot, and givne her a lot of doubts about having children (She's been married for several years and is in her mid 30's so for her it's a more immediate concern). I feel so sad about how much it turned everyone's life upside down and tarnished everyone's dreams. My mom cant believe he shows no remorse at all. It just proves how different we are from our fathers. We have a conscience.

Thanks for talking. It feels good to just talk about it sometimes. I don't really have anyone in my life who can really understand.


ETA #2: SPeaking of things that make you the fool, my dad would NEVER take off his wedding ring. When he had MRIs or surgery he would make them tape it to his finger and they told him that they'd ahve to cut off his finger, but he'd never take it off. He literally never took it off for 30 years. For their 30th, my parents got new bands... I guess it was ok to take that one off.

Message edited 3/18/2007 12:50:48 AM.

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

I have not been in that situation but I would think it is just as hard as dealing with a death.

Hugs to you!

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

I am estranged from my mother and sister. It is so hard - mostly its hard that I lost my sister forever.... she will never talk to me - she is too wrapped up in my mom's web...

Message edited 3/23/2007 5:35:58 PM.

Re: If your loss is not a death, but estrangement..

Strangest things happened tonight. My cousin whom I haven't seen in MONTHS, she's from my dad's side. She decides to come by tonight. Within 5 minutes of her sitting down on my couch my phone rings I look at my call waiting and it's my dad I haven't heard from him in all of these months and boom he picks minutes after she gets here to call. So I ask her if she told my grandmother or anyone that she was coming here even in passing and she said no.

I didn't pick up the phone. It wasn't the appropriate time and he didn't leave a message. Since he didn't leave a message and I am assuming it was him and not his girlfriend I have decided I am not calling him back. Had he left a message I might be more inclined to call him back and see what he wanted with very little hope of anything. OH well. Strange