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srosbr
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/07 3 total posts
Name:
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Second Marriage for him...first for me
I'm struggling with a decision I'm making regarding my current relationship. The man I'm in a relationship with is divorced with 2 kids and he doesn't want any more. I've always wanted children, but am afraid that passing on this relationship may mean never finding someone else that I love as much, and never having kids anyway as a result. And for people to say, "oh sure you will" it just frustrates me. Anyone who's single at 39 knows that it's not that easy and it's no longer a wise assumption. You don't become pessimistic, just realistic...your odds are diminishing. I'm 39 and afraid that I'll have regrets either way..so confused and afraid!!!
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Posted 3/29/07 11:32 AM  |
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preciouslove
I love my DS!!!
Member since 5/05 9340 total posts
Name:
Blank
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
Sorry I have no advice. Just wanted to give you some of these 
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| Posted 3/29/07 11:37 AM |
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WhatNow
Say Cheese!
Member since 1/06 8033 total posts
Name:
A (formerly WhatNow?)
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
This is tought situation, I am sure!
I think you need to ask yourself 2 questions:
1. Would you be able to live without this man?
2. Would you be able to live the rest of your live without ever getting an opportunity of at least trying to become a mom?
Message edited 3/29/2007 11:41:59 AM.
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| Posted 3/29/07 11:41 AM |
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srosbr
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/07 3 total posts
Name:
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
i think it's the fear that both of those things will become my reality that makes this such a difficult decision.
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| Posted 3/29/07 11:43 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
So sorry you are going through this
This is a tough situation. A few things I would consider if I were you:
1- How much you want this relationship?
2- How important is it to you to have children of your own (this includes adoption- I meant as opposed to his children?)
3- Would you consider having children on your own if you are X age and still single?
4- How old are you?
I don't know if this helps- but I had a friend who was so in love with her boyfriend of 6 years. She moved halfway across the world for him. But her parents never approved and it was a very difficult situation. He didn't want to move to the US if her family wouldn't accept him, and they ended up breaking up. She told me she knew she would never find another love like him again.
Well 3 years later she was married to someone else. She says the love she felt for the first guy was puppy love compared to how she felt now. She can't imagine that she thought it would never get better than the first guy. But it did.
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| Posted 3/29/07 11:50 AM |
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Pumpkin1
LIF Adult
Member since 12/05 3715 total posts
Name:
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
One more questions: Will becoming a step mother to his 2 children fulfil some of your desire to become a mom?
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| Posted 3/29/07 11:51 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
If you want kids & this is a deal breaker for you than you already have your answer. Only you can decide that.
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| Posted 3/29/07 11:58 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
Posted by Pumpkin1
One more questions: Will becoming a step mother to his 2 children fulfil some of your desire to become a mom?
I hate to say this but for me, it wouldn't.
They have a mom. That's not to say they won't love you & you won't love them. It's different than raising them from the beginning & having your own.
eta. My friend is married to a woman & has 2 stepchildren. Not having his own children was a very difficult thing for him to get over. It's hard enough to hear, "You're not my dad." but to hear it & realize you will never be anyone's dad is particularly rough.
Message edited 3/29/2007 12:03:24 PM.
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| Posted 3/29/07 12:01 PM |
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beachgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 7967 total posts
Name:
sara
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
Tough decision for you
If you know you would love to have kids of your own one day then you will never be happy not having them and may end up resenting your future husband for that.
Is he adamant that he does not want any more kids even though he knows you do? That in itself would be hard for me to take. Is there any chance he would change his mind?
Being a step mom I am sure will be great but if you want to experience pregnancy and giving birth to your own child then its not going to be enough for you.
Good luck with whatever decision you make
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| Posted 3/29/07 12:02 PM |
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Tracey
***********
Member since 5/05 6297 total posts
Name:
Tracey - brideinapril
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
That is a really difficult decision. But really, if you want children, can you imagine your life never having them??
You might grow to resent him for not wanting anymore and it will only tear you apart at the end.
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| Posted 3/29/07 12:17 PM |
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MrsBlueSash
Love my sailor
Member since 6/05 5793 total posts
Name:
Christian
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
Its tough and I feel for you. Would being a stepmom be enough? How about fostering children, helping them along...?
ETA: Nevermind...you already answered this...
Many hugs, this is a tough situation. Let your heart and prayer guide you.
Message edited 3/29/2007 12:34:58 PM.
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| Posted 3/29/07 12:33 PM |
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srosbr
LIF Zygote
Member since 3/07 3 total posts
Name:
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
i guess my point is that leaving him is no assurance that then I will have kids. I may not find anyone to have them with in time. And as much as I've always thought adoption was an alternative, it's not something I could manage or afford on my own.
I'm saying that the decision would be more straight forward if I was 25. Do I want kids? yes. Does he? no. End it because the chances of finding a relationship as great as this one with someone who does...are very good.
At 39, there's more to it...do I want kids? yes. Would I be able to conceive a child? maybe Do the health risks to a newborn at my age scare me? yes Will I find someone else in enough time to still conceive? maybe. Does he want more children? no. ...much heavier decision
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| Posted 3/29/07 1:36 PM |
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iffer042373
5 weeks till I'm a big sister
Member since 5/05 2642 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
Well if you really do love him and he loves you I would sit down with him which I am sure you have already and discussthis matter with him. Let him know how much you would want at l east one child and maybe if you explain everything and all your feelings about this to him then he m ight change his mind.
I thikn its a hard choice either way cuz you might resent him later on becuz you don't have kids of your own. Then if oyu end things you my resent that choice cuz it will take time to build another relationship to this point.
Ifyou do end things with him there is always artificial insemination and you can be a single mom if thats an option for you
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| Posted 3/29/07 3:35 PM |
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4monkeys
boys will be boys =)
Member since 9/05 7205 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Second Marriage for him...first for me
Posted by Tracey
That is a really difficult decision. But really, if you want children, can you imagine your life never having them??
You might grow to resent him for not wanting anymore and it will only tear you apart at the end.
I totally agree. and I think its a bit harsh that he just decided NO CHILDREN and thats that. that's not right.
Wanting children would have been a dealbreaker for me. But thats just how I felt about having children.
Of course God forbid we had problems conceiving, thats another issue.
but if from the start, you kNOW That he doesnt want children (and doesnt seem to be flexible about it), I think there will be tension down the road, because he has his biological children and you wont.
OF COURSE you can love stepchildren and adopted children just as much, but just the fact that he's taking that away from you, and that his decision is THE decision... that would bother me very much.
My hubby and I both said we would NEVER have stayed with someone who didnt want kids.
It really depends on how passionate you are about each issue affecting your decision.
sit down, maybe write down what youre thinknig, talk to someone close to you, and of course talk to him again about how much this is on your mind..
good luck 
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| Posted 3/29/07 3:40 PM |
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