Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Not to start an argument but I did see on the last post that some people said they did not want to use daycare because they didn't want someone else "raising" their child.
In what way do you think that the sitter or daycare is raising your child? Grandparents, other relatives, friends are also "raising" your child while they are watching them or interacting with them. By the age of 2, children are at preschool so others are teaching your children. Unless you never leave your home or see other people, you are not the only one "raising" your child. They are learning from alot of other people.
I just get very defensive with this as people who have never used daycare really have NO clue how it is. My dh and I "raise" our children. We give them our morals, ethics and beliefs. The daycare adds to their lives. They are interactive with other children from all ethnics and backgrounds. They have always known whom their parents are and the daycare has NEVER done something against our beliefs and they have actually asked me if they can do this or that.
While I would love to be home, I can't financially and understand that and have picked the best care for them and NEVER felt I was not the main person "raising" them. I always point out on other boards that working moms are not gone out of their children's lives 365 days out of the year. We all have sick days, vacation days, personal days, holidays, half days, weekends. Last year alone I took 5 weeks vacation time. I am with my kids almost 3 hours in the morning and 4 hours at night.
Sorry so long but this is a sore spot with me!!

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Im not even touching this one! lol!

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

This is going to be a heated subject-Sahm vs working moms always are.

I think you just need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR family and NOT defend your decision to ANYONE. No one is entitled to an explanation.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by sweetness

This is going to be a heated subject-Sahm vs working moms always are.

I think you just need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR family and NOT defend your decision to ANYONE. No one is entitled to an explanation.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Sad it would have to be heated. I understand how you feel someone just said to me that daycare raises my child. Like you I don't agree. My answer to this person was do you think that when they went to school did their teachers take over raising your kids? Of course they said no. So my next question was then they were raised before they started kindergarten. Answer again was no.

Feel secure in your decision. Staying home or going to work is a persoanl choice and there are pros and cons to both.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by sweetness

This is going to be a heated subject-Sahm vs working moms always are.

I think you just need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR family and NOT defend your decision to ANYONE. No one is entitled to an explanation.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

I understand you're sensitive to the issue, as most moms are sensitive to any discussion of SAHM v. Working moms, meaning, no matter what side of the fence you're on, a mom always feels pressure and gets defensive, but, try not to be defensive. Everyone has a different family dynamic, experience growing up, and perspective - there are a slew of reasons to keep your child at home, and a slew of cons, just as there are a slew of reasons to send your child to daycare, and a slew of cons.

It's a very, very personal decision, and I don't think either decision is right or wrong, as long as the decision is informed, and fits into the family dynamics. I don't think anyone on the other thread said anything insinuating any less...

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by Bxgell2

I understand you're sensitive to the issue, as most moms are sensitive to any discussion of SAHM v. Working moms, meaning, no matter what side of the fence you're on, a mom always feels pressure and gets defensive, but, try not to be defensive. Everyone has a different family dynamic, experience growing up, and perspective - there are a slew of reasons to keep your child at home, and a slew of cons, just as there are a slew of reasons to send your child to daycare, and a slew of cons.

It's a very, very personal decision, and I don't think either decision is right or wrong, as long as the decision is informed, and fits into the family dynamics. I don't think anyone on the other thread said anything insinuating any less...

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by sweetness

This is going to be a heated subject-Sahm vs working moms always are.

I think you just need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR family and NOT defend your decision to ANYONE. No one is entitled to an explanation.

I totally agree you need to do what is best for your family but I have posted this SAME thing on other website message boards and I NEVER get a response. I think because it is such a heated debate between women, the sahm (not defining all-just the ones I have come in contact with on the other boards) can not rationalize that not all working moms are out there 24 hours a day working. We DO spend alot of time with our kids. Just because we work ft does not mean our jobs are #1 in our lives. My family comes first and my job second (job not career, I might add-there IS a difference).

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

I think everyone choses what is right for their child and family. I think there is nothing wrong with day care centers and I am a SAHM. I wish I could have used that option when I was looking for child care - just hours and our jobs don't work together.

I am sure when you are doing a great job raising your child. Who ever anyone choses as childcare - no matter what type can't replacing a parent!

I can see how those statements can make you feel upset but try not to let it - people have strong opinions and to each their own.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Bxgell2

I understand you're sensitive to the issue, as most moms are sensitive to any discussion of SAHM v. Working moms, meaning, no matter what side of the fence you're on, a mom always feels pressure and gets defensive, but, try not to be defensive. Everyone has a different family dynamic, experience growing up, and perspective - there are a slew of reasons to keep your child at home, and a slew of cons, just as there are a slew of reasons to send your child to daycare, and a slew of cons.

It's a very, very personal decision, and I don't think either decision is right or wrong, as long as the decision is informed, and fits into the family dynamics. I don't think anyone on the other thread said anything insinuating any less...

No, it is just the someone else "raising" my child thing that gets me. YOU and you DH raise your child. Sitters, daycares, relatives, friends help you out but the majority of how your children turn out is the way YOU teach them, no one else.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

I can't speak to what other SAHMs have said to you, nor is everyone's rationale for becoming a SAHM the same. Since I had the option to stay at home or go back to work, I personally don't feel comfortable making blanket statements like "staying home is best" or "daycare means you aren't raising your child". Besides the fact there is no one answer to any question, I know there are mommies on this board who really wanted to stay home but just couldn't swing it financially. I'd hate to think something I said made someone else feel crappy about what they had to do for their family.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Message edited 4/10/2007 11:22:28 AM.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Bxgell2

I understand you're sensitive to the issue, as most moms are sensitive to any discussion of SAHM v. Working moms, meaning, no matter what side of the fence you're on, a mom always feels pressure and gets defensive, but, try not to be defensive. Everyone has a different family dynamic, experience growing up, and perspective - there are a slew of reasons to keep your child at home, and a slew of cons, just as there are a slew of reasons to send your child to daycare, and a slew of cons.

It's a very, very personal decision, and I don't think either decision is right or wrong, as long as the decision is informed, and fits into the family dynamics. I don't think anyone on the other thread said anything insinuating any less...

No, it is just the someone else "raising" my child thing that gets me. YOU and you DH raise your child. Sitters, daycares, relatives, friends help you out but the majority of how your children turn out is the way YOU teach them, no one else.

Ok, I see what you're saying, but let me play devil's advocate here for a second (and mind you, keep in mind, my daughter is in daycare full-time). The fact is, with my daughter, at least, she's in daycare from 8-5pm everyday. I get her from 5-8pm, and on the weekends, so I cannot, I simply cannot deny that she spends a significant part of her day at daycare. When she was a little baby, I agree, they weren't "raising" her, they were just taking care of her basic needs. But, as she got older, and they started teaching sign language, some of the jewish holidays, and started implementing some degree of discipline (per my instructions, most of the time), well, I really can't deny that in some form, or to some degree, they are "assisting" in raising my daughter.

That doesn't mean that I don't have the primary influence - as mommy I always do, and in *choosing* the right daycare for my daughter, and in maintaining constant communication and involvement with her teacher, I do, but that doesn't detract from the fact that to some degree, they are shaping who she will become, just as my third grade and eigth grade teachers had a tremendous impact on who I am today.

It's nothing I'm ashamed of, and something I will admit quite proudly. I love the intermix of all the different influences, and the socialization with other children. It was how I was raised, and I like how I turned out ANd, I think, in a way, it most mimics how children were raised hundreds of years ago - by a very large family unit watching over a group of children.

So, that's my take on it

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

gonna be an agrument soon as always...

For me....I have a hard time leaving my dog alone when I go food shopping, I cant imagine leaving my baby....But once they are older and understand more, I will feel more comfortable.

Thats my choice and my feelings, I want to see all the firsts and be there for my baby versus hearing about it from someone else.

We will suffer some b/c of it sure, but its what is important to me.

And I also atribe to the belief it takes a village to raise a child, so at the same time, I welcome chances to have others help "raise" my baby.

I think the decision is unique to each person, based on their feelings and beliefes....people think and feel and believe different things, doesnt make one wrong or one right.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Just two cents from a daughter of a mom who took care of several kids in our home after we had left to go to college. Even now when I go back to Visit my mom and run into any of these parents or these kids who are grown now they will always make remarks about what a good job my mother did in "raising" their kids!

My mom never asked for this role,she had raised 8 of her own so didnt need to raise anyone elses child but the parents themselves gave her this title.

I can see how this topic gets heated as no matter what we do as moms we have huge guilt over it. Look at me I work from home and take care of my DD and I feel guilty when I have to take calls during the day when my DD wants me to play with her.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

I am raising my child, his father and I are the people who are and will be giving him moral guidance HOWEVER we can't do that alone. Children need lots of different experiences and lots of different influences every single day! My son is in daycare and he freaking loves it and I love the care he is getting there

The African saying about it taking a village to raise a child is absolutely right for me! We were all raised that way! Everyone we met in our lives when we were children had some kind of influence on us!!!

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Bxgell2

I understand you're sensitive to the issue, as most moms are sensitive to any discussion of SAHM v. Working moms, meaning, no matter what side of the fence you're on, a mom always feels pressure and gets defensive, but, try not to be defensive. Everyone has a different family dynamic, experience growing up, and perspective - there are a slew of reasons to keep your child at home, and a slew of cons, just as there are a slew of reasons to send your child to daycare, and a slew of cons.

It's a very, very personal decision, and I don't think either decision is right or wrong, as long as the decision is informed, and fits into the family dynamics. I don't think anyone on the other thread said anything insinuating any less...

No, it is just the someone else "raising" my child thing that gets me. YOU and you DH raise your child. Sitters, daycares, relatives, friends help you out but the majority of how your children turn out is the way YOU teach them, no one else.

Ok, I see what you're saying, but let me play devil's advocate here for a second (and mind you, keep in mind, my daughter is in daycare full-time). The fact is, with my daughter, at least, she's in daycare from 8-5pm everyday. I get her from 5-8pm, and on the weekends, so I cannot, I simply cannot deny that she spends a significant part of her day at daycare. When she was a little baby, I agree, they weren't "raising" her, they were just taking care of her basic needs. But, as she got older, and they started teaching sign language, some of the jewish holidays, and started implementing some degree of discipline (per my instructions, most of the time), well, I really can't deny that in some form, or to some degree, they are "assisting" in raising my daughter.

That doesn't mean that I don't have the primary influence - as mommy I always do, and in *choosing* the right daycare for my daughter, and in maintaining constant communication and involvement with her teacher, I do, but that doesn't detract from the fact that to some degree, they are shaping who she will become, just as my third grade and eigth grade teachers had a tremendous impact on who I am today.

It's nothing I'm ashamed of, and something I will admit quite proudly. I love the intermix of all the different influences, and the socialization with other children. It was how I was raised, and I like how I turned out ANd, I think, in a way, it most mimics how children were raised hundreds of years ago - by a very large family unit watching over a group of children.

So, that's my take on it

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Ive posted several times I have worked in day care for 10 years. I saw myself as helping out..not exactly raising the children.
I am now a SAHM. I left the day care field because it was my decision to stay home and raise him. I am looking for PT night work.
Another reason why I left is because what I would be paying for daycare was basically my salary. Did not make much sense for me to go back and basically hand them my paycheck.
I agree with other posters. It's a personal decison.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

I also felt upset when I read a lot of mom's stating they did not want anyone else "raising" their child... not being able to stay home with my son is a SORE subject for me and it will continue to be until I can stay home. It's not that I want to stay home because I want to RAISE him because I AM ALREADY raising him... he doesn't do things for anyone unless Mommy "approves", no joke! He won't even kiss or hug anyone hello unless I tell him it's okay, lol.

Anyway, my son is with his grandparents (my parents and inlaws take turns) when DH and I are working and in these 2 years, I have NEVER felt like they were "raising" him... so it really upsets me when people make it like if you don't stay home with your kid, you're not raising them.

This is a hard topic to discuss, because working mom's and sahm's will always think differently in terms of this. Believe me, if were able to, I'd stay home in a heartbeat, just to be with my son, I don't want to miss out on anything... but DH and I are the ones raising him 100%!

Don't feel bad about your choices, someone will have something to say to make you feel guilty no matter what the topic is...

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Yes, for sure this is a heated topic...and as a working mom, I would agree that daycare isn't necessarily "raising" your child but they are helping to shape important parts of their life like discipline, sharing, communication etc. I think the reason this topic can get out of hand is that for most people who have posted, it sounds like if they could afford to stay home, they would. Thus, the guilt takes over. But surely we are all doing the best we can, we do not put our children in harm's way and we love them unconditionally. All of that has a HUGE impact on how they turn out and how we "raise" them!

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

Posted by MichaelsMommy

I also felt upset when I read a lot of mom's stating they did not want anyone else "raising" their child... not being able to stay home with my son is a SORE subject for me and it will continue to be until I can stay home. It's not that I want to stay home because I want to RAISE him because I AM ALREADY raising him... he doesn't do things for anyone unless Mommy "approves", no joke! He won't even kiss or hug anyone hello unless I tell him it's okay, lol.

Anyway, my son is with his grandparents (my parents and inlaws take turns) when DH and I are working and in these 2 years, I have NEVER felt like they were "raising" him... so it really upsets me when people make it like if you don't stay home with your kid, you're not raising them.

This is a hard topic to discuss, because working mom's and sahm's will always think differently in terms of this. Believe me, if were able to, I'd stay home in a heartbeat, just to be with my son, I don't want to miss out on anything... but DH and I are the ones raising him 100%!

Don't feel bad about your choices, someone will have something to say to make you feel guilty no matter what the topic is...

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long

I do not know of any 2 year olds who are in nursery school. Nursery school programs do not start until age 3, before that, its pretty much a daycare setting.

Personally, for OUR FAMILY, its extremely important to me and to my husband that I am the one spending the most time with my children. I could not stomach the thought of someone else feeding, rocking, consoling, interacting with, and BONDING with my children while I was at work 8-10 hours a day.

Where would that leave me? I would get to wake my children up in the morning, drop them at daycare, go to work, pick them up, feed them dinner, put them to bed, and do it all again the next day?

No thank you.

I did not want someone else enjoying my childs moments while I was at work. The most heartbreaking thing in the world, was when my best friend called me in tears because her son had learned to walk while at daycare, and she was not there to see his first steps.

Re: Spinoff to SAHM-Sorry-Long