I'm a long time lurker...but (edited 5/5)

I'm having a really hard time.

You all seem really kind and compassionate and so devoted to your pets that I am hoping you can understand, because I feel like I am losing my mind right now...


I adopted my cat, Sandrine, 12 years ago. Really, it was more like she chose me. I was in college in Vermont and I visited she shelter and when I picked her up, she fell asleep in my arms...I had to take her. She as three months old, and it was a kill shelter, and she was within days of being put down. She was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.


We've had a long and interesting life together. We've kind of inadvertently traveled a bit, and she's always been my first love -- we are a great team. I am one of those girls who made the mistake of marrying too young and moving almost across the country and when I left him all I demanded was that she come back to NY to me. (I had to leave her, briefly, because of flying restrictions, because I left very suddenly.)


Anyway, I am remarried and my husband who "doesn't like cats" adores her and buys her toys and treats all the time...


She was diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer in March of this year. We spent six weeks nursing her in her misery after two different surgeries and she rebounded. Well, now she's grown another tumor and there's nothing we can do except wait for her to be so uncomfortable that our only humane choice will be to put her down.


I am miserable. I can't stop crying. We're told we only have a few months, at best. We did everything we could. I can't help but feel like we could have done more, but everything we're hearing is that's not true. I can barely look at her. I only found out on Wednesday that we are going to lose her. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to be so upset still...I just wish we didn't know...it's so hard...


I don't even have question. To be honest, more than a few glasses of wine have been drunk which is why I am posting at all...and this is super long...I should stop.
Any good thoughts for a peaceful passage for my baby, Sandrine Paloma, would be greatly appreciated. My non-cat loving husband is so upset I can't even talk to him about this because he's so crushed. I feel so lonely and lost thinking about not having my best buddy around...

(Update at bottom)

Message edited 5/6/2007 12:23:42 AM.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

i was in your situation last year, not once but two times .

it isnt any easy situation, but you may not want to hear it, but you are doing the right thing.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I can only offer you my sympathies, I can't imagine how you must feel. Know that you gave your girl a good life and that she will be waiting for you.....

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am so sorry
We had actually gone through losing my 19 year old cat on November 4th. This Christmas is not going to be the same without her playing in the wrapping paper! Make her as comfortable as possible. You will know the right thing to do at that time. It is going to hurt so bad but you have to do what is best for your baby. I have attached a poem that I think is beautiful

I stood by your bed last night,
I came to have a peep
I could see that you were crying,
you found it hard to sleep

I whined to you softly as
you brushed away a tear,
"it's me, I haven't left,
I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here"

I was close to you at breakfast,
I watched you pour the tea
You were thinking of the many times,
your hands reached down to me

I was with you at the shops today,
your arms were getting sore
I longed to take your parcels,
I wish you could do more

I was with you at my grave today,
you tend it with such care
I want to reassure you,
that I'm not lying there

I walked with you towards the house,
as you fumbled for your key
I gently put my paw on you,
I smiled and said "it's me"

You look so very tired,
and sank into a chair
I tried so hard to let you know,
that I was standing there

It's possible for me,
to be so near you everyday
To say to you with certainty,
"I never went away"

You sat there very quietly,
then smiled, I think you knew
In the stillness of that evening,
I was very close to you

The day is over,
I smile and watch you yawning
And say "goodnight, God bless,
I'll see you in the morning"

And when the time is right for you
to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you
and we'll stand, side by side

I have so many things to show you,
there is so much for you to see
Be patient, live your journey out,
then come home to be with me.

- Author Unknown

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Enjoy the time you have left together and know that you have done everything you can... You also gave your furbaby the best life. Bless you for that.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am so sorry you are going though this. I was in this same position last year with my 11 year old dog. It was an unbearable holiday season for me. All the advice I can give, is to show her more love than ever, spoil her rotten!!!!! Best of luck to you, again I am so sorry!

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I just wanted to take a minute to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughts and the two beautiful poems. I appreciate every bit of support that I can find right now...

As far as spoiling her for the time we have left -- right now she's devouring a whole can of tuna which is going to be followed by a big sip of half and half!

Thanks again for all the kindness. I really needed to get it out last night and it was very nice to see all the replies this morning.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am on the verge of tears after reading your post. I feel so badly for you and am so sorry youwill have to face and deal with this.

only time will help you though ....its gonna be rough..wont sugar coat it....But the only thing you can do is stay busy, and try NOT to think of her at the end. It will just make it harder for you.

I know the love I have for my cats and I feel your pain.



Hey, post a pic of her maybe here? I would like to see her. ( if you want)

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

your post made me tear up.....many hugs and prayers for your cat and your family in dealing with this difficult situation...

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Thanks again, all of you.

I think what is making it so hard right now is that she's not symptomatic -- she's her usually happy self. The only reason we know any of this is because I found the new lump on her belly.

We are spoiling her rotten and are doing everything we can to keep her as happy as possible -- but we keep looking for signs that something is wrong...hopefully we have a little while before it comes to that...I just want us to get through the holidays as a happy family.

Anyway, for those who asked, here are some pictures. This is from right after her first surgery -- it makes me laugh, that look on her face. She wasn't in pain, just very annoyed at being locked behind the baby gate with a big cone on her head...

Image Attachment(s):

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am so so sorry!

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

She's adorable!

In the last few years we have had to put down 2 dogs & my cat we had for 19 years. It is so not an easy thing to do,but if you have to make the decision to put her down, you do it when & if it is best for her. Not letting them suffer is a loving thing to do. When I went with my parents to put our 8 year old boxer down, the peace on face after the shot was what me feel OK about doing it....she had been suffering & miserable.

Just take the best care you can of her & she'll love you for it!

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

my family was in the same situation last year. our cat of 10 + years was diagnoised with leukemia and went downhill incredibly fast. he was put down a week after being diagnoised, myself, my dad and my brother were in the room and it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
i feel your pain, enjoy the time you have together.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I'm so sorry!

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am so sorry

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Thanks again to all of you for the kind words.

So far, so good...she's enjoying all her treats like the queen she is and seems to be feeling good for the moment...I will keep you all posted.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I'm so sorry!

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

OMG, I'm in tears right now from your post. I can't tell you how much my heart goes out to you. I have 4 cats, each and every one of them I consider my "baby."

Don't let ANYONE minimize your grief. You should feel sad, you are losing a family member.

All I can do is give you and let you know that I'm praying for a miracle for your kitty.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

Hey, all...

My girl is not having a great day...we're trying to tempt her with treats and she's not really biting...

My husband and I are losing it...he thinks she's fine and I think we're at the end...we're probably in the middle but we can't get any perspective....please keep Sandy in your thoughts...I'm just not ready...


Trying to add a pic with my new Chrismukkah gift, but it doesn't seem to work...

Message edited 12/25/2006 11:55:49 PM.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

I am so sorry to hear about your kitty. You will never be ready -- but she will be.

I lost my dog recently and I have just been bawling reading this. The pain is awful, I won't lie.....but in the end, you will do what is best for Sandrine. I wish you strength and compassion...

Message edited 12/26/2006 2:53:18 PM.

Re: I'm a long time lurker...but

(updated)

Well...

It's over.
We knew on Tuesday it was going to be soon...we planned on Thursday -- she could no longer jump, and she was having difficulty walking...and then she went on a hunger strike...

Would you believe she had a pretty good night and a decent amount of food at 6am on Thursday and seemed a little better...my DH got up to go to the bathroom and she was screaming for food and she ate and even played with her catnip. He came back to bed and couldn't sleep because he was thinking maybe it wasn't time after all.

And then when we got up at 9, she was bleeding and had split her skin -- when we found out in December that her cancer was terminal, they had told us it was a possiblity. I had thanked God every day for the last several weeks that it hadn't happened.. I couldn't friggin believe it. Thankfully, it wasn't as horrible as I had been afraid it would be, but still...I started freaking out and told DH we had to go right away.

We got very lucky that her surgeon was in and saw us, and she took care of Sandy and us. We stayed with her the whole time, it was actually really fast and peaceful and her surgeon said we definitely did the right thing, especially since she had split her skin.

I'm actually really glad we stayed with her -- it was so fast and so peaceful -- if I hadn't been there to see it myself I probably would have been freaked out and haunted wondering if it was horrible for her -- I am glad that I was able to see it was okay for her. I am glad that I was able to pet her and hold her the whole time so she wasn't alone and scared.

We're doing okay. Better than expected. In some ways, that her skin split made it easier -- it made the decision for us, especially since she was rebounding a little bit (only temporary, I'm sure) and it was making us have doubts.

It was just very weird coming home to an empty house. I packed up her toys finally last night. It is really hard.

I know I don't post really except for things about her, but I have little outlet. My husband has been beyond phenomenal through this -- he made all the necessary calls, he took Friday off even though he shouldn't have...he has never known me without her -- I got her when I was 19 -- my husband and I have been together 6 years, she has always been a part of our life...

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to update you all because I received so much support on my initial post...its' been two days and I think it is finally setting in. This sucks.

So here's to raising one for my
Sandrine Paloma ...8/94-5/3/07