Advice needed (long message)

I'm engaged and scheduled to be married next summer. I'm getting nervous about things and am beginning to second guess myself. Here is my dilemma:

I feel that my future husband should contribute more than I do in at least one area of our collective life. I don't care whether it's in the house or the bank account, just somewhere.

I tend to take responsibility for everything around the apt - cleaning, cooking, fixing, food shopping. He rarely if ever takes the initiative to do any of it. He's cooked for me once in the 3 yrs we've been together, has taken 6 months to call someone about fixing a light, and only picks up when I ask him to. I also work full time and contribute equally financially.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is a sign that our future marriage will fail? I've told him how I feel many times, and he doesn't do a thing to change his behavior. I just can't be responsible for every single thing while he surfs the net and watches TV because he's "tired." I would also love to just sit around after work and not have to do all the junk around the apt. When I tell him that, he says that I don't need to clean or cook. HELLO! That is not the point. I don't want to live in a grimy, non-functioning apt. and eat take out every night.

I think we need to see a couples counselor about this, but I also wonder if that is a sign that we are doomed? Am I just over-reacting? Is this how most husbands are? I just don't know anymore....Any advice or opinion or info on how it is for you after you're married would be so very greatly appreciated.

Re: Advice needed (long message)

The situation you described sounds much like my husband. I wish he'd recognize what needs to be done around the house without me nagging him but the fact is (for him) he just doesnt realize the bathtub needs to be scrubbed or sometimes he just doesnt care. My level of clean and his are totally different.

He has helped ANYTIME I have asked him to do something and that I believe is key. He has also suprised me a few time by bringing home flowers or some other thoughtful gesture to let me know he appreciates how much I do for our household.

I wish you the best and hope you can find an answer to this bump in the road. Remember- every relationship has stages and roadblocks to get past that make your life together stronger!

PS- Also posting this on the Relationship board might get you some more answers

Re: Advice needed (long message)

Hugs for you. You need to do what is best for you. Counseling may help. But things wont change after marriage. Either way I am sure that this is not easy. Then only thing that I can say for sure is that men suck!!

Re: Advice needed (long message)

Posted by Arieschick29

The situation you described sounds much like my husband. I wish he'd recognize what needs to be done around the house without me nagging him but the fact is (for him) he just doesnt realize the bathtub needs to be scrubbed or sometimes he just doesnt care. My level of clean and his are totally different.

He has helped ANYTIME I have asked him to do something and that I believe is key. He has also suprised me a few time by bringing home flowers or some other thoughtful gesture to let me know he appreciates how much I do for our household.

I wish you the best and hope you can find an answer to this bump in the road. Remember- every relationship has stages and roadblocks to get past that make your life together stronger!

PS- Also posting this on the Relationship board might get you some more answers

Re: Advice needed (long message)

Just a thought...

Someone once told me - look at your relationship the way it is now. Because it doesnt change. If you are happy wiith it now, great. but if you are expecting it to change, it might not, and you need to be happy with that.

but - you may want to think about other factors, like children. And if you dont get help when having a child, its a nightmare....

Good luck!

Re: Advice needed (long message)

I've been there - still there to some extent. I don't let it bother me and things have changed somewhat.

As I quietly went about my business cleaning, cooking, etc. DH slowly noticed how much goes into keeping the house in shape and he's a bit more helpful now.

He's also willing to help with things when I ask and I've come to learn how and when to ask for maximum help. I get a lot more help if I don't interupt his favorite show, or nag as soon as he walks in the door.

I also figure that I'd be cleaning my house, doing laundry, cooking, etc. for myself if I was on my own, and he doesn't add that much more work to the equation, so why let myself get all worked up about it.

Over the years a relationship will most likely have ups and downs over who does more work and after 6 years of marriage I can say that while he still doesn't cook (thankfully - if he did we'd both die of food poisoning!), or do a lot of cleaning on his own, we have settled into some chores and responsibilities that we each handle and the workload is evened out a bit.

Re: Advice needed (long message)

i think every relationship is like this to some extent. guys just don't seem to have the same standards of clean as women do, and they just don't seem to see what needs to be done as easily.
i have been married for 2 years. my DH is an only child whose mom never worked. he was VERY catered to growing up because his mom had time to take care of everything for him. after we got married, i started "training" him- LOL i would play the "help me' card. i would say things like " hey hun, can you help me clean the bathroom?" or " hey hun? can you help me fold the laundry?" this way we were doing things together, and he didn't feel like i was nagging him and "making" him do things. after doing that for awhile, i think he really started to see what had to be done around the house, and now he does a lot voluntarily. but, i'm glad you realize that it won't get better after you get married. too many people think things will magically change once that second ring is on their finger,but the truth is, it doesn't. so its good your trying to deal with it now. good luck!!

Re: Advice needed (long message)

It sounds like you are VERY RESENTFUL.
I recommend seeing a counselor. If you are getting married, the "contract needs to change."
It sounds hokey, but that it literally what needs to happen. Expectations need to be defined and adhered to.....and he needs to contribute in a manner that is not going to cause resentment on your behalf.
I think that seeing a counselor is a healthy, wonderful way to begin your new life.......and set the stage for the future.

Re: Advice needed (long message)

Honestly, a clean house and a home-cooked meal aren't priorities to some people. And I don't necessarily think that's a big deal. The problem is that you're expecting him to conform to the way YOU need to live your life. Now, I'm not saying that he shouldn't compromise, but I AM saying that YOU need to compromise, as well.
One of the best pieces of advice that I've ever gotten is that when trying to communicate with your SO, you need to consider their communication style, not yours. So, maybe your approach needs to change. Maybe he tunes out when you are constantly asking him to do XYZ. I would sit down and figure out what things you cannot compromise on and what things you CAN compromise on. Then, have a non-confrontational talk with him about it. If he's a laid-back kind of guy, then you need to approach him in a laid-back way for him to hear you.
I thought this was bullcrap until I tried it out on a bunch of people. It really does work. Once you are able to figure out how you need to communicate with someone, then it solves half the problem. He also needs to figure out what he's willing to bend on, as well.
I don't think it's necessarily as huge an issue as you think, you just need to find the common ground so you can begin to make compromises. Good luck!

Re: Advice needed (long message)

Couples counseling might help, however if your fiancee doesn't see the need to change, nothing will ever happen. Thnigs will notmagically change once you get married. The way he is now is the way he will be down the road unless he recognizes that there is a problem and is willing to change.
I hope most husbands are not like this. I feel very lucky that my dh takes responsibility for cleaning the bathrooms, and vacuuming the upstairs every week. And now that I am pg, he is always telling me to let him know what else he can do.
Good luck.

Re: Advice needed (long message)

Thank you for all of your responses and support! You all made some really great points. while he won't change, perhaps if I change my communication style he will make some minor adjustments. And you are correct also in your comment that I am asking him to change his way of living to accommodate mine. All great food for thought. Thank you!!